Yes, I'm back! Finally! I've been gone for a while because of family problems and my only friend's suicide attempt. (For those of you who don't know me or haven't realized this from notes on previous fics, I have a very messed up life. I myself have mental disorders, including depression and thus suicidal thoughts. And yes, I have tried to kill myself. Many, many times.) I've found, however, that writing helps me get my mind off of my problems, and therefore I'm back.
This is a songfic from Anakin Skywalker's point of view. My first songfic O.o It dwells on his thoughts around when he falls to the Dark Side. Short, unfortunately, but also very good. Dark and angsty - if you don't like that, then don't read it. This is COMPLETE but if you like it then let me know in your review and I'll write another songfic...
The song used in this is "At the End of the Melting Dream," the opening song from the anime called Iria. It was origionally in Japanese. I deleted the middle section of the lyrics because it was chanting and it didn't really make any sense in this story.
Anyways, on to the fic!
Star betray sky
In the distance, crying voices die
As the small transport ground to a halt with many screeching, grinding sounds, a droid began to open the hatch. It was a standard work droid, programmed as an attendant. I stalked past it, my cloak swirling around my body with a low hiss as I ignored the automatic thank you message the droid played when its motion sensors detected me leaving. Everything around me was predictable like that. Always the same old routine day after day. When Master Kenobi had taken me as his Padawan learner, I had been... excited. Hopeful. Yes, those are the right words for it, or at least - I think so. I have not used them, or felt them, for so long that it is hard for me to grasp the concepts any longer.
But when I had first been taken as a Padawan, I had been so. I had still had hope to hold onto. Yes, I had hoped that I one day might become a Jedi and return to Tatooine to set my people free. I hoped to see my mother no longer a slave. I had wished that I might be able to end the screams of pain that came as the poor slaves there were tortured by their masters for the slightest slip-up, the tiniest mistake. But now my mother is dead. And as I look at the fiery sunset, I can still see her blood running across the sand.
Sun dissappeared
Only revelation sinks its nails into my heart
I know now what I did not know then. There is no such thing as hope. Hope has been gone since the beginning of time. Even if I were to return to Tatooine, I could never free all of the slaves. They are like ripples on the surface of the ocean; each one alone is tiny, and insignifigant. And there are so many that it is impossible to find them all. Beyond impossible to free them all. And even if I could, what good would it do? There are hundreds of other planets with millions of other suffering and dying slaves. I cannot even try to start on a task that huge, for I will die of old age before I've liberated even just one out of every thousand.
Impossible. I taste the word on my tongue. It's no longer unfamiliar to me, for I've realized in the past few years that it applies to much of what I wanted from my life, and much of what I would wish even now if I still believed that wishing for anything would do any good.
Someone's dream appears
A wandering soul
Tempted
I finger my Padawan braid as I stride down the busy street. I give the people around me no notice as I allow my thoughts to dwell on the shadows that I've felt steadily growing in my mind during my apprenticeship. Up until now, I've pushed them to the back of my mind. Shielded them to prevent my Master from noticing them. Fed them slowly but surely, though I was not aware of what I was doing at the time. And I know that I should have let them go a long time ago; released them through the Force and been rid of them forever. But there's something that makes me stop - the shadows themselves.
The Jedi may preach all they like about hate being the path to the Dark Side. They may be right for all that I care. But they try to tell you to let go of the darkness and embrace the light. And then there's something that they don't understand: even if you wish to fight the shadows away, even if you know that they're evil, no matter what you do they will never stop calling to you. And they don't understand how addicting the darkness can be. Once you let it in, it becomes your friend and protector. And it's your refuge whenever anything goes wong - because if you stay in the darkness, the shadows hide you from all of the hurtful words and mean thoughts directed towards you. Once you allow the darkness in, you don't have to worry about anything anymore. It's calling to me now, telling me this. Pulling me towards the center of the shadows in my mind.
At journey's end
Sand of eart, twilight
And somehow, I don't think that I want to go away from it and walk into the light like I've always done before. My doubts, my fears, my worries; they all come flooding back to me. I quicken my pace, practically running now. My shadows are trying to take over. All of my worries about how I'll dissappoint my Master if I'm not perfect. All of my fears that he'll just kick me out to die. I know he wants to do it. He's never wanted me around. Wait; was that spoken by the shadows or by me? I don't know any more. Is there really any difference? Do I care?
And now I'm standing in front of a metal door, deep below the city. I can sense the presence of someone on the other side as the shadows drag me in.
Shooting arrows, even fire
Melts the endless horizon
With one hand on the doorknob, I turn around and gaze back at the sky one last time. The sun has completely disappeared now, though there are streaks of red across the horizen. The night is coming, and the sky is darkening to prepare for its coming. I can't help but think of how much that sky reflects my own soul. The darkness is the shadows, of course. The shadows of worries, fears, apprehensions, past memories, thoughts, and doubts. They're clouding over my soul as the darkness spreads across the blue sky. And the red... the red is the blood of those who have died, and those who are dying, and those who will die as a result of me. As I think of that, a smirk creeps its way across my face.
I have my lightsaber in my hand. I press the button and activate it, sneering at the calm, peaceful colors of the blade. One short stroke, and then it's done. My Padawan braid floats slowly down to the ground. My outer Jedi robes soon follow it, leaving me standing before the door in a gray tunic and black pants. I hurl my lightsaber away, watching with only mild interest as it smashed against the concrete and shatters. That part of me is gone forever. And with that, I forever let in the darkness and pull open the door.
Someone's dream appears
A passing scene burns my eyes
I'm standing in a small room, not alone. There is a dark, cloaked figure across from me, half bent over a small table that stands between us. Suspended a few inches above the table is a lightsaber, blade glowing a dark red. I only look once more to the man that will be my next Master. I have already heard his questions in my mind. Grasping the 'saber handle firmly in both hands, I speak the words that will answer all of his queries and seal my fate forever: "I embrace the darkness and accept my destiny."
A wandering soul
Blows away
This is a songfic from Anakin Skywalker's point of view. My first songfic O.o It dwells on his thoughts around when he falls to the Dark Side. Short, unfortunately, but also very good. Dark and angsty - if you don't like that, then don't read it. This is COMPLETE but if you like it then let me know in your review and I'll write another songfic...
The song used in this is "At the End of the Melting Dream," the opening song from the anime called Iria. It was origionally in Japanese. I deleted the middle section of the lyrics because it was chanting and it didn't really make any sense in this story.
Anyways, on to the fic!
Star betray sky
In the distance, crying voices die
As the small transport ground to a halt with many screeching, grinding sounds, a droid began to open the hatch. It was a standard work droid, programmed as an attendant. I stalked past it, my cloak swirling around my body with a low hiss as I ignored the automatic thank you message the droid played when its motion sensors detected me leaving. Everything around me was predictable like that. Always the same old routine day after day. When Master Kenobi had taken me as his Padawan learner, I had been... excited. Hopeful. Yes, those are the right words for it, or at least - I think so. I have not used them, or felt them, for so long that it is hard for me to grasp the concepts any longer.
But when I had first been taken as a Padawan, I had been so. I had still had hope to hold onto. Yes, I had hoped that I one day might become a Jedi and return to Tatooine to set my people free. I hoped to see my mother no longer a slave. I had wished that I might be able to end the screams of pain that came as the poor slaves there were tortured by their masters for the slightest slip-up, the tiniest mistake. But now my mother is dead. And as I look at the fiery sunset, I can still see her blood running across the sand.
Sun dissappeared
Only revelation sinks its nails into my heart
I know now what I did not know then. There is no such thing as hope. Hope has been gone since the beginning of time. Even if I were to return to Tatooine, I could never free all of the slaves. They are like ripples on the surface of the ocean; each one alone is tiny, and insignifigant. And there are so many that it is impossible to find them all. Beyond impossible to free them all. And even if I could, what good would it do? There are hundreds of other planets with millions of other suffering and dying slaves. I cannot even try to start on a task that huge, for I will die of old age before I've liberated even just one out of every thousand.
Impossible. I taste the word on my tongue. It's no longer unfamiliar to me, for I've realized in the past few years that it applies to much of what I wanted from my life, and much of what I would wish even now if I still believed that wishing for anything would do any good.
Someone's dream appears
A wandering soul
Tempted
I finger my Padawan braid as I stride down the busy street. I give the people around me no notice as I allow my thoughts to dwell on the shadows that I've felt steadily growing in my mind during my apprenticeship. Up until now, I've pushed them to the back of my mind. Shielded them to prevent my Master from noticing them. Fed them slowly but surely, though I was not aware of what I was doing at the time. And I know that I should have let them go a long time ago; released them through the Force and been rid of them forever. But there's something that makes me stop - the shadows themselves.
The Jedi may preach all they like about hate being the path to the Dark Side. They may be right for all that I care. But they try to tell you to let go of the darkness and embrace the light. And then there's something that they don't understand: even if you wish to fight the shadows away, even if you know that they're evil, no matter what you do they will never stop calling to you. And they don't understand how addicting the darkness can be. Once you let it in, it becomes your friend and protector. And it's your refuge whenever anything goes wong - because if you stay in the darkness, the shadows hide you from all of the hurtful words and mean thoughts directed towards you. Once you allow the darkness in, you don't have to worry about anything anymore. It's calling to me now, telling me this. Pulling me towards the center of the shadows in my mind.
At journey's end
Sand of eart, twilight
And somehow, I don't think that I want to go away from it and walk into the light like I've always done before. My doubts, my fears, my worries; they all come flooding back to me. I quicken my pace, practically running now. My shadows are trying to take over. All of my worries about how I'll dissappoint my Master if I'm not perfect. All of my fears that he'll just kick me out to die. I know he wants to do it. He's never wanted me around. Wait; was that spoken by the shadows or by me? I don't know any more. Is there really any difference? Do I care?
And now I'm standing in front of a metal door, deep below the city. I can sense the presence of someone on the other side as the shadows drag me in.
Shooting arrows, even fire
Melts the endless horizon
With one hand on the doorknob, I turn around and gaze back at the sky one last time. The sun has completely disappeared now, though there are streaks of red across the horizen. The night is coming, and the sky is darkening to prepare for its coming. I can't help but think of how much that sky reflects my own soul. The darkness is the shadows, of course. The shadows of worries, fears, apprehensions, past memories, thoughts, and doubts. They're clouding over my soul as the darkness spreads across the blue sky. And the red... the red is the blood of those who have died, and those who are dying, and those who will die as a result of me. As I think of that, a smirk creeps its way across my face.
I have my lightsaber in my hand. I press the button and activate it, sneering at the calm, peaceful colors of the blade. One short stroke, and then it's done. My Padawan braid floats slowly down to the ground. My outer Jedi robes soon follow it, leaving me standing before the door in a gray tunic and black pants. I hurl my lightsaber away, watching with only mild interest as it smashed against the concrete and shatters. That part of me is gone forever. And with that, I forever let in the darkness and pull open the door.
Someone's dream appears
A passing scene burns my eyes
I'm standing in a small room, not alone. There is a dark, cloaked figure across from me, half bent over a small table that stands between us. Suspended a few inches above the table is a lightsaber, blade glowing a dark red. I only look once more to the man that will be my next Master. I have already heard his questions in my mind. Grasping the 'saber handle firmly in both hands, I speak the words that will answer all of his queries and seal my fate forever: "I embrace the darkness and accept my destiny."
A wandering soul
Blows away