Summary: Have you ever wanted to take your own life? Not just think about
it, but seriously really consider it, turn it over in your mind. Ron does
so every day. But can he actually do it? He's the middle pillar holding
up a tall building and if he were to cease existince, so would everyone
else. But does Ron know that?
Rating: R. It'll get extremely dark in upcoming chapters. Lots of angst. Suicide, death, and much more. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations in this story belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Warner Bros. The writer is making no money off of it and does not claim ownership over it. And other citations will be made where necassary.
Dedication: I'm dedicating this to JK Rowling, who's imagination and amazing mind has put together an incredible story that has inspired me to write this fanfic. Please don't sue me Joanne, I do not claim to own this, for my mind could never compare to yours. Thanks for helping me decide where I want to go in life.
Author's Note: Wow! I'm getting reviews! You don't know how happy that makes me! Just for those reviews, here's the next chapter. I have loads of editing to do before th next update, don't be surprised if it comes out later than a week! Don't forget to review!!!
There's someone I've been neglecting to thank. So here goes. Thanks to my muse, Todd. He makes me write just about everything!
Thanks to my beta-reader, Scott. You've been such a big help!
XOXOXOX
Chapter 2
*** They say that home is where the heart is, But home is only where the hurt is. Pull the wool over their eyes, Forget the worries that you started.
Soft Cell, Where the Heart Is. ***
When I said I wouldn't walk out of Snape's class again, I meant it. However, for awhile after that first time I found myself getting so fed up with Potions that I'd think of any excuse I could to get out of that lesson. Strangely enough, that was where I was when I found out the horrible news.
Harry, Hermione and I were working on the Forgetfulness Potion, when we found out what had happened. And not from the greatest source. Hermione decided it would be best if she went and got the ingredients for the potion and she told Harry and I to work on the written report.
"What should we write?" I said at an attempt to be funny, "Very sorry, but I can't remember what this potion does. But the title sort of rings a bell. I think I forcefed some to Malfoy the other day. Maybe that's why he forgot about dropping the spiders on the floor." I saw the corners of Harry's mouth threaten to turn into a smile, but he fought to remain poker faced. Hermione came over.
"I'll add this stuff and you keep working on the report," Hermione said.
"No," Harry said and Hermione and I looked over to him, "you always tell us what to do. Well guess what. My turn. You write this and Ron and I will do the potion!" Hermione glared at Harry.
"Well I think you'll probably just screw up the potion so I do it because you never seem to want to!" Hermione said, sitting down and crossing her arms over her chest, "maybe we should let Ron decide what we do!" Then they both looked at me. I could feel my blood boiling with anger. I counted to ten, that didn't work. I crossed my fingers, that didn't work. I breathed in and out, that didn't work. I shouted at them, it worked.
"What are your problems?" I asked angrily, but quietly so we didn't attract too much attention, "I'm sick of you fighting every second of the damn day. Why don't you just cool it down. Take a deep breath before launching into an argument because of whether or not the mashed potatos were over-cooked at dinner. Who cares, dammit?" I saw Malfoy look up from where he was sitting. I lost it with him too. "And why don't you mind your own business?" Malfoy grinned and came over to the table.
"Well I heard you say 'Who cares?' and it reminded me of something I read in the paper today. Here," he said and held out the Daily Prophet. I reached out and grabbed it. The headline made my stomach plummet downward fast.
Muggle Orphanage Attacked! Joanne Smith
Yesterday aftrenoon at 1:04 PM, a young wizard who chooses to remain anonymous, was walking by the orphanage, Home for The Orphaned, and was met with a horrible sight. He looked up and saw the Dark Mark floating above the building. It is a well known fact that this mark was shot into the sky whenever You-Know-Who had killed and the sight of it made many people wonder if the dreaded has come. The days when You-Know-Who terrorized were dark times and we are all hoping that we will not be faced with such horror again. For as we well know, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named met his downfall with young Harry Potter, who is now schooling at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We wonder if perhaps The-Boy-Who-Lived really did dispose of the dark lord. We asked the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, what he thought. "It is a proposterous thought. This is nothing to go balistic over. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is dead." While some of us rest assured that Fudge is correct, there are some who must wonder if Fudge is really just keeping things secret from the Wizarding World. We will definitely keep updates on this. More on page 3.
My hands shook as I read the article. It made me so mad. They talked like they knew what they were talking about. And they didn't.
"It's just too bad. No wait.... it's not. No one cares about a whole lot of stupid muggles. If you ask me, whoever did this, did the world a favor!" Malfoy said.
I looked up, feeling my hands shake from anger. "I didn't ask you," I answered simply, my voice surprisingly steady, "pass me the sloth brain, Hermione." Hermione looked about ready to object but simply handed it to me without a word. Malfoy looked at me a moment and swiftly grabbed the paper out of my hands and walked back to his desk. Hey... I'd scored one over on Malfoy. But for some reason, I didn't feel good about it. And then it occured to me what was wrong. I was.... upset. I wanted to.... well, not cry exactly, I felt like eating a tub of chocolate ice-cream. So this was what it felt like to be seriously depressed. And suddenly I understood what Malfoy had said before he'd showed me the paper.
"And lots of people care," I called to him, before setting to work on the task at hand.
****
It was a Hogsmeade weekend. There were only three more weeks until Christmas vacation, and this was my last chance to get my Christmas shopping done. I decided to do my shopping with Harry and Hermione. Whatever I got for them would be bought another time. I didn't have all that much money with me obviously, but I'd asked Fred and George to help me out and so they had lent me money for it. I told them I'd pay them back when I got the chance and they'd said that I needn't do so. It was kind of surprising but I didn't complain. I had the money after all.
"Maybe I could get Ginny this," I said picking up a glass figurine. The title card next to it said that it was a glass angel. I peered at it but I couldn't see how it was an angel. I put it back down, "never mind." Hermione chuckled lightly and picked something up off the shelf.
"Get her this," she said holding it out for me to examine. I took it from her and looked at it. It was kind of nice. It was a girl holding a snowball in her hand, poised as though she was going to throw it, and there was a dog next to her, poised as though it was going to chase after it. It didn't move, so it wasn't magical, but it was adorable. And the girl kind of looked like Ginny.
"Cool," I said and held it in my left hand as I checked out some other things on the shelf.
Half an hour later I'd found something for every member of my family and now all I needed was something for Harry and Hermione. I'd think about that later.
In the Three Broomsticks, the three of us got a booth and ordered some butterbeer. I took a sip and wished it had just a bit of alcohol in it. When I looked up I saw that Hermione was drinking deeply from her mug. Harry had a faraway look in his eyes as he raised the tankard to his mouth but held it there, seemingly thinking.
I looked up and noticed Malfoy and his two cronies walk into the shop and sit down in a booth rather close to ours. I rolled my eyes.
"So..." I said, looking to Hermione, but she was busy looking at Harry. Worried she was about to start a row I thought quickly of something to say, "how're your parents?" Hermione looked at me, sort of surprised.
"They're fine... why do you ask?" Hermione inquired. I shrugged one arm.
"Just curious," I replied and knew I'd have to come up with something better to say, "so did you hear about Seamus?"
"No, what?" she said, looking only mildly interested.
"He and Millicent Bulstrode might go out," I informed her and Hermione's mouth fell open in shock.
"Really?" she said.
"Yes. And the other day, I was walking by the Charms classroom and the door was open. So I just ducked in for a moment... and they looked a bit busy," I said, cocking my head to the right as if to say 'you know what I mean'. Of course she did.
"No way!" She shouted and a few people went quiet with interest. Harry looked up, now wildly curious.
"Ron... I've been dieing here, trying not to say anything. Millicent and Seamus?" he demanded looking totally shocked.
"No, but the looks on your faces!" I said and began laughing. They both glared.
"Well that may have been a joke," Hermione said and looked around the room to see if anyone was listening, before continuing, "but this really is true. Parvarti told me that she and Malfoy were..." she stopped.
"Yes?" I said, leaning forward in anticipation.
"Dating," Harry put in. I looked to him.
"No FUCKING way!" I shouted and this time even Madam Rosmerta looked over.
"Hey!" the woman said, "language!" I blushed scarlett. I nodded in apology and quickly looked back at Harry and Hermione.
"Are you serious?" I demanded. Harry and Hermione both nodded. "So how come I've heard nothing about it?"
"Well it was only announced yesterday... apparently Malfoy's a great kisser!" Hermione said, looking over at the table where Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were conversing quietly.
"And they've said they're so much in love they're thinking of getting engaged!" Harry said, draining his tankard of butterbeer. He raised his hand for Madam Rosmerta to come refill it. She nodded and began to come over. But Malfoy stopped her before she could get to us and asked if she could refill his glass.
"You're pulling my leg! Parvarti and Malfoy!?" I said and this time it was much too loud. Malfoy's eyes snapped to us and he got to his feet. Coming over to our table, he narrowed his eyes and looked from Hermione to Harry to me.
"What are you saying about me?" he asked.
"We were just saying how you -" I began but was stopped my Hermione's foot colliding with my leg, "ow! What the fuck, Hermione!?"
"Mr Weasley!" Madam Rosmerta snapped, refilling Harry's mug, "if you use that language again I will have to ask you to leave."
"Very sorry, Madam." She sniffed and went back over to the counter.
"Now I will repeat one more time. WHAT were you saying about me?" Malfoy demanded.
"Just that there's a rumor going around that you're dating Parvarti Patil," Hermione said kindly enough, but Malfoy slammed his fist onto the table.
"You were gossiping about me?"
"Why not... you do the same to us," I answered and turned my attention back to Harry and Hermione. Malfoy scowled and went back to his two friends.
"So anyway.... you're pulling my leg right?"
"Of course," Harry said and it didn't have the effect it should have.
****
I stared through the window. It was a dull boring day in Transfiguration, we were just taking notes and working on theory. The snow outside reflected my mood. White, with some grey. I was hating this. This torture.
"Weasley!" McGonagall said and I snapped out of my reverie.
"Yes Professor?" I answered, focusing my attention on the elderly woman's aged face.
"You were not paying attention."
"No I wasn't," I admitted and heard the sharp intakes of breath that the class displayed. At this moment, I honestly couldn't care less if I was punished. "Sorry Professor."
"I'd like to see you after class Weasley," she said. I nodded my head and continued staring out the window, fully aware she knew that I still wasn't paying attention. She said nothing, however.
Suddenly, the bell was ringing and the class was exiting the room at top speed. I couldn't help but want to leave with them. Unfortunately I had decided to act like a smart ass to McGonagall and would be getting my punishment momentarily. I gathered up my books as Neville exited the room his ink bottle smashed all over shirt. I actually smiled. How could anyone be that clumsy?
I put my books in my bag and swung it over my shoulder. I walked over to McGonagall's desk and waited for her to look up. She was marking a test or essay of some sort. I waited patiently.
"Take a seat Mr Weasley," she said. I pulled a chair over to her desk and sat down. She looked up. She had a look I'd never before seen on her face. True, genuine concern.
"I'm sorry for not paying attention, Professor," I muttered, "I.... it was really hot and I just wish I could go out in the sun."
"It's winter. Besides Welasey, that's not why I asked you to stay behind." I hoped she wasn't about to pull her hair out of its bun and jump me. I'd heard some teachers did that if they were attracted to you.
The thought was immediately abandoned when I realized that this was McGonagall. Why would she be attracted to me?
"Well then, why'd you want to see me?" I asked, growing rather impatient.
"Is there anything you'd like to tell me.... anything on your mind? I realize how hard this has been on, well... everyone." I was surprised to hear a fair amount of curious concern in her voice. I shook my head.
"No. There's nothing Professor. I'm fine." Her brow furrowed, McGonagall sighed and told me I could leave.
Closing the door behind me I paused, my hand wrapped around on the doorknob. Had I just thrown my only chance of getting help out the window? Another few moments of thought and it occured to me I did that every day of my life.
I love you guys so much! You keep my writing fire burning. Here are the replies to your reviews!
Replies:
Song Identification: Where The Heart Is by Soft Cell. It just fits this story so well. I really like it.
-Tine
Rating: R. It'll get extremely dark in upcoming chapters. Lots of angst. Suicide, death, and much more. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations in this story belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Warner Bros. The writer is making no money off of it and does not claim ownership over it. And other citations will be made where necassary.
Dedication: I'm dedicating this to JK Rowling, who's imagination and amazing mind has put together an incredible story that has inspired me to write this fanfic. Please don't sue me Joanne, I do not claim to own this, for my mind could never compare to yours. Thanks for helping me decide where I want to go in life.
Author's Note: Wow! I'm getting reviews! You don't know how happy that makes me! Just for those reviews, here's the next chapter. I have loads of editing to do before th next update, don't be surprised if it comes out later than a week! Don't forget to review!!!
There's someone I've been neglecting to thank. So here goes. Thanks to my muse, Todd. He makes me write just about everything!
Thanks to my beta-reader, Scott. You've been such a big help!
XOXOXOX
Chapter 2
*** They say that home is where the heart is, But home is only where the hurt is. Pull the wool over their eyes, Forget the worries that you started.
Soft Cell, Where the Heart Is. ***
When I said I wouldn't walk out of Snape's class again, I meant it. However, for awhile after that first time I found myself getting so fed up with Potions that I'd think of any excuse I could to get out of that lesson. Strangely enough, that was where I was when I found out the horrible news.
Harry, Hermione and I were working on the Forgetfulness Potion, when we found out what had happened. And not from the greatest source. Hermione decided it would be best if she went and got the ingredients for the potion and she told Harry and I to work on the written report.
"What should we write?" I said at an attempt to be funny, "Very sorry, but I can't remember what this potion does. But the title sort of rings a bell. I think I forcefed some to Malfoy the other day. Maybe that's why he forgot about dropping the spiders on the floor." I saw the corners of Harry's mouth threaten to turn into a smile, but he fought to remain poker faced. Hermione came over.
"I'll add this stuff and you keep working on the report," Hermione said.
"No," Harry said and Hermione and I looked over to him, "you always tell us what to do. Well guess what. My turn. You write this and Ron and I will do the potion!" Hermione glared at Harry.
"Well I think you'll probably just screw up the potion so I do it because you never seem to want to!" Hermione said, sitting down and crossing her arms over her chest, "maybe we should let Ron decide what we do!" Then they both looked at me. I could feel my blood boiling with anger. I counted to ten, that didn't work. I crossed my fingers, that didn't work. I breathed in and out, that didn't work. I shouted at them, it worked.
"What are your problems?" I asked angrily, but quietly so we didn't attract too much attention, "I'm sick of you fighting every second of the damn day. Why don't you just cool it down. Take a deep breath before launching into an argument because of whether or not the mashed potatos were over-cooked at dinner. Who cares, dammit?" I saw Malfoy look up from where he was sitting. I lost it with him too. "And why don't you mind your own business?" Malfoy grinned and came over to the table.
"Well I heard you say 'Who cares?' and it reminded me of something I read in the paper today. Here," he said and held out the Daily Prophet. I reached out and grabbed it. The headline made my stomach plummet downward fast.
Muggle Orphanage Attacked! Joanne Smith
Yesterday aftrenoon at 1:04 PM, a young wizard who chooses to remain anonymous, was walking by the orphanage, Home for The Orphaned, and was met with a horrible sight. He looked up and saw the Dark Mark floating above the building. It is a well known fact that this mark was shot into the sky whenever You-Know-Who had killed and the sight of it made many people wonder if the dreaded has come. The days when You-Know-Who terrorized were dark times and we are all hoping that we will not be faced with such horror again. For as we well know, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named met his downfall with young Harry Potter, who is now schooling at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. We wonder if perhaps The-Boy-Who-Lived really did dispose of the dark lord. We asked the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, what he thought. "It is a proposterous thought. This is nothing to go balistic over. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is dead." While some of us rest assured that Fudge is correct, there are some who must wonder if Fudge is really just keeping things secret from the Wizarding World. We will definitely keep updates on this. More on page 3.
My hands shook as I read the article. It made me so mad. They talked like they knew what they were talking about. And they didn't.
"It's just too bad. No wait.... it's not. No one cares about a whole lot of stupid muggles. If you ask me, whoever did this, did the world a favor!" Malfoy said.
I looked up, feeling my hands shake from anger. "I didn't ask you," I answered simply, my voice surprisingly steady, "pass me the sloth brain, Hermione." Hermione looked about ready to object but simply handed it to me without a word. Malfoy looked at me a moment and swiftly grabbed the paper out of my hands and walked back to his desk. Hey... I'd scored one over on Malfoy. But for some reason, I didn't feel good about it. And then it occured to me what was wrong. I was.... upset. I wanted to.... well, not cry exactly, I felt like eating a tub of chocolate ice-cream. So this was what it felt like to be seriously depressed. And suddenly I understood what Malfoy had said before he'd showed me the paper.
"And lots of people care," I called to him, before setting to work on the task at hand.
****
It was a Hogsmeade weekend. There were only three more weeks until Christmas vacation, and this was my last chance to get my Christmas shopping done. I decided to do my shopping with Harry and Hermione. Whatever I got for them would be bought another time. I didn't have all that much money with me obviously, but I'd asked Fred and George to help me out and so they had lent me money for it. I told them I'd pay them back when I got the chance and they'd said that I needn't do so. It was kind of surprising but I didn't complain. I had the money after all.
"Maybe I could get Ginny this," I said picking up a glass figurine. The title card next to it said that it was a glass angel. I peered at it but I couldn't see how it was an angel. I put it back down, "never mind." Hermione chuckled lightly and picked something up off the shelf.
"Get her this," she said holding it out for me to examine. I took it from her and looked at it. It was kind of nice. It was a girl holding a snowball in her hand, poised as though she was going to throw it, and there was a dog next to her, poised as though it was going to chase after it. It didn't move, so it wasn't magical, but it was adorable. And the girl kind of looked like Ginny.
"Cool," I said and held it in my left hand as I checked out some other things on the shelf.
Half an hour later I'd found something for every member of my family and now all I needed was something for Harry and Hermione. I'd think about that later.
In the Three Broomsticks, the three of us got a booth and ordered some butterbeer. I took a sip and wished it had just a bit of alcohol in it. When I looked up I saw that Hermione was drinking deeply from her mug. Harry had a faraway look in his eyes as he raised the tankard to his mouth but held it there, seemingly thinking.
I looked up and noticed Malfoy and his two cronies walk into the shop and sit down in a booth rather close to ours. I rolled my eyes.
"So..." I said, looking to Hermione, but she was busy looking at Harry. Worried she was about to start a row I thought quickly of something to say, "how're your parents?" Hermione looked at me, sort of surprised.
"They're fine... why do you ask?" Hermione inquired. I shrugged one arm.
"Just curious," I replied and knew I'd have to come up with something better to say, "so did you hear about Seamus?"
"No, what?" she said, looking only mildly interested.
"He and Millicent Bulstrode might go out," I informed her and Hermione's mouth fell open in shock.
"Really?" she said.
"Yes. And the other day, I was walking by the Charms classroom and the door was open. So I just ducked in for a moment... and they looked a bit busy," I said, cocking my head to the right as if to say 'you know what I mean'. Of course she did.
"No way!" She shouted and a few people went quiet with interest. Harry looked up, now wildly curious.
"Ron... I've been dieing here, trying not to say anything. Millicent and Seamus?" he demanded looking totally shocked.
"No, but the looks on your faces!" I said and began laughing. They both glared.
"Well that may have been a joke," Hermione said and looked around the room to see if anyone was listening, before continuing, "but this really is true. Parvarti told me that she and Malfoy were..." she stopped.
"Yes?" I said, leaning forward in anticipation.
"Dating," Harry put in. I looked to him.
"No FUCKING way!" I shouted and this time even Madam Rosmerta looked over.
"Hey!" the woman said, "language!" I blushed scarlett. I nodded in apology and quickly looked back at Harry and Hermione.
"Are you serious?" I demanded. Harry and Hermione both nodded. "So how come I've heard nothing about it?"
"Well it was only announced yesterday... apparently Malfoy's a great kisser!" Hermione said, looking over at the table where Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were conversing quietly.
"And they've said they're so much in love they're thinking of getting engaged!" Harry said, draining his tankard of butterbeer. He raised his hand for Madam Rosmerta to come refill it. She nodded and began to come over. But Malfoy stopped her before she could get to us and asked if she could refill his glass.
"You're pulling my leg! Parvarti and Malfoy!?" I said and this time it was much too loud. Malfoy's eyes snapped to us and he got to his feet. Coming over to our table, he narrowed his eyes and looked from Hermione to Harry to me.
"What are you saying about me?" he asked.
"We were just saying how you -" I began but was stopped my Hermione's foot colliding with my leg, "ow! What the fuck, Hermione!?"
"Mr Weasley!" Madam Rosmerta snapped, refilling Harry's mug, "if you use that language again I will have to ask you to leave."
"Very sorry, Madam." She sniffed and went back over to the counter.
"Now I will repeat one more time. WHAT were you saying about me?" Malfoy demanded.
"Just that there's a rumor going around that you're dating Parvarti Patil," Hermione said kindly enough, but Malfoy slammed his fist onto the table.
"You were gossiping about me?"
"Why not... you do the same to us," I answered and turned my attention back to Harry and Hermione. Malfoy scowled and went back to his two friends.
"So anyway.... you're pulling my leg right?"
"Of course," Harry said and it didn't have the effect it should have.
****
I stared through the window. It was a dull boring day in Transfiguration, we were just taking notes and working on theory. The snow outside reflected my mood. White, with some grey. I was hating this. This torture.
"Weasley!" McGonagall said and I snapped out of my reverie.
"Yes Professor?" I answered, focusing my attention on the elderly woman's aged face.
"You were not paying attention."
"No I wasn't," I admitted and heard the sharp intakes of breath that the class displayed. At this moment, I honestly couldn't care less if I was punished. "Sorry Professor."
"I'd like to see you after class Weasley," she said. I nodded my head and continued staring out the window, fully aware she knew that I still wasn't paying attention. She said nothing, however.
Suddenly, the bell was ringing and the class was exiting the room at top speed. I couldn't help but want to leave with them. Unfortunately I had decided to act like a smart ass to McGonagall and would be getting my punishment momentarily. I gathered up my books as Neville exited the room his ink bottle smashed all over shirt. I actually smiled. How could anyone be that clumsy?
I put my books in my bag and swung it over my shoulder. I walked over to McGonagall's desk and waited for her to look up. She was marking a test or essay of some sort. I waited patiently.
"Take a seat Mr Weasley," she said. I pulled a chair over to her desk and sat down. She looked up. She had a look I'd never before seen on her face. True, genuine concern.
"I'm sorry for not paying attention, Professor," I muttered, "I.... it was really hot and I just wish I could go out in the sun."
"It's winter. Besides Welasey, that's not why I asked you to stay behind." I hoped she wasn't about to pull her hair out of its bun and jump me. I'd heard some teachers did that if they were attracted to you.
The thought was immediately abandoned when I realized that this was McGonagall. Why would she be attracted to me?
"Well then, why'd you want to see me?" I asked, growing rather impatient.
"Is there anything you'd like to tell me.... anything on your mind? I realize how hard this has been on, well... everyone." I was surprised to hear a fair amount of curious concern in her voice. I shook my head.
"No. There's nothing Professor. I'm fine." Her brow furrowed, McGonagall sighed and told me I could leave.
Closing the door behind me I paused, my hand wrapped around on the doorknob. Had I just thrown my only chance of getting help out the window? Another few moments of thought and it occured to me I did that every day of my life.
I love you guys so much! You keep my writing fire burning. Here are the replies to your reviews!
Replies:
Song Identification: Where The Heart Is by Soft Cell. It just fits this story so well. I really like it.
-Tine