Summary: Have you ever wanted to take your own life? Not
just think about it, but seriously really consider it, turn it
over in your mind. Ron does so every day. But can he
actually do it? He's the middle pillar holding up a tall
building and if he were to cease existince, so would everyone
else. But does Ron know that?
Rating: R. It'll get extremely dark in upcoming chapters. Lots of angst. Suicide, death, and much more. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations in this story belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Warner Bros. The writer is making no money off of it and does not claim ownership over it. And other citations will be made where necassary.
Dedication: I'm dedicating this to JK Rowling, who's imagination and amazing mind has put together an incredible story that has inspired me to write this fanfic. Please don't sue me Joanne, I do not claim to own this, for my mind could never compare to yours. Thanks for helping me decide where I want to go in life.
Author's Note: The people who reviewed this are so awesome! I love you people so much! You deserve to enjoy this next chapter. This one has loads of angst in it, though. It took me a loooooong time to write!! Now to the chapter! R&R!
Chapter 3
*** In places no one would find, All your feelings so deep inside. It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes, The moment I saw you cry.
Mandy Moore, Cry. ***
With only a week left until the holidays, I found myself with, not surprisingly, very little to feel jolly and happy about. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to feel warm and friendly, it just didn't seem to be in me. The rest of the Gryffindor Common Room was cheery and delightful... but I just couldn't get in the mood. There was a big party in the common room and while everyone partied, I sat in an armchair and read my book. Even Harry, who hardly ever participates in the fun activities anymore, was drinking a mug of butterbeer with Seamus, Dean and Neville while Hermione lectured them about partying on a school night. We did indeed have classes the following day, but no one took any notice of this issue.
There was a lot of noise around me but I barely even realized it. I'd finished Hogwarts: A History last week and was busy reading The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts. The book was absolutely fascinating. Not long ago I would have dropped the book on the ground in a fright and run away screaming in the opposite direction, had it somehow fallen into my hands. Now, the fact that it was sitting among Hermione's school things allowed me reason to read it. And while people stared at me like I'd gone mad, I could really enjoy myself without feeling guilty.
But even as I sat there, engrossed in this newly discovered book, I felt empty.
"Ron!" shouted Fred. I sighed deeply and shut the book with a snap. He sat down beside me. I looked around for George. He wasn't there.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Well, why aren't you joining the festivities?" he demanded.
"We have classes tomorrow and I have this huge essay for Snape that has to be handed in to him and-"
"Ron," Fred began, and he looked sincerely worried, "are you all right? What's with all this work? You've never thredded this much about schoolwork. Is there something wrong? Are you okay?" I stared at Fred.
"What's with your blubbering?" I demanded. Fred shrugged.
"You're my only younger brother. I don't want to screw up."
"Screw up what?" I asked.
"Being a good big brother."
"What are you talking about Fred?"
"Well.... I just don't want you to end up like......" he was interrupted by a cry of noise from the center of the room. Neville had just launched himself off a table, onto the floor. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. And then I remembered that Fred had been just saying something.
"You don't want me to end up like who?" I wondered. Fred's mouth remained open a couple of seconds before he swallowed and answered:
"Me." And before I could even register what he'd said, he was beside George and they'd both began to swing dance around the room. Why didn't Fred want me to end up like him? I sat there for the rest of the night, after everyone had gone up to bed and when the fire in the Common Room finally went out, I still had no answer to the question.
****
The Great Hall was filled with the sound of laughter and conversation. It was the school's last meal together before the Christmas holidays. Once again practically everyone was happy except myself. And I so wanted to be joyfull! But.... there was this feeling in the pit of stomach that told me if I hoped for nothing I couldn't be disappointed. So I remained depressed. I was starting to show, on the outside. That was definitely a bad thing. There was always a fine line between the real me and the fake me. That difference was slowly fading.
I gathered some spinach onto my fork and put it in my mouth distractedly. Without realizing it, I ate all my spinach, chicken and potatoes and was left with the peas. I braced myself, for peas always made me gag. I shoved a fork-full in my mouth and chewed fast. It was not a good idea. I coughed roughly and began to choke on the large mouthful. I grabbed my water, drank some and took lovely breaths of air.
"Are you OK, Ron?" Hermione asked. I nodded, drinking more water. Hermione patted my hand with her hers. I looked up and smiled faintly. The food on my plate was soon gone and I began to scoop ice-cream into a bowl. Just as I picked up my spoon to eat some I felt a sharp pain in my temples. I dropped the spoon onto the plate with a loud clank and leaned forward, clutching my head. Everyone sitting around me began to ask if I was all right. Hermione and Harry were both shouting that something was wrong with me when the "headache" passed and I sat up abruptly.
I groaned and swallowed a lump in my throat. I couldn't even figure out what was wrong. It felt like my brain was trying to tell me something. My hands were clammy with cold sweat. I breathed deeply and was vaguely aware of Hermione shaking me slightly. I snapped back to reality and looked around the hall.
"Ron!" shouted a practically hysterical Hermione, "what's wrong Ron!?" I shook my head to chase the lingering thoughts away. Dumbledore was standing up at the staff table.
"I'm all right," I muttered and the Gryffindor table seemingly sighed with relief. Or perhaps they were groaning... simply because I was all right.
"Oh Ron," Hermione said flinging her arms around me, "thank goodness you're all right!"
"Stop that Hermione... I'm completely fine," I replied but the looks on my two friend's faces seemed to be thinking otherwise.
Suddenly the doors of the Great Hall burst open and in ran a frantic person, sobbing hysetrically, soaking wet, attempting to speak. Only a few words were coherent.
"I - in trouble - dead." It was only then that I realized it was Fred. I leapt to my feet, despite the attempts to stop me by Harry and Hermione and ran forward. I fell to my knees at Fred's side and was aware that Ginny was right beside me.
"Fred... Fred what's wrong!?" I demanded, trying not to lose my head. I could feel dread in the pit of my stomach. I could see my fellow classmates and students staring dumbfoundedly at Fred, Ginny and myself. The teachers were making their way over to us.
"Fred!" Ginny cried, tears running down her face, for she too could feel, just as I could, the feeling of unease and horrible dawning.
George wasn't there.
Suddenly Fred grabbed Ginny and I by the collars of our shirts and gasped out a feeble;
"George... You-Know-Who... tried to stop it - couldn't do anything - George... dead." There was an eerie silence all around as sudden comprehension dawned on the people in the room. I gaped at my now unconsious brother and felt the world slipping away from me.
I felt - rather than heard - Ginny burst into uncontrollable sobs and bury her head in my shoulder. As much as I wanted to comfort my sister... I couldn't. For I too could hardly compose myself. I jumped to my feet and fled the hall, despair flooding through me. Right now..... I understood exactly what it felt like to not understand something. And it made me so angry.... I had to run away from it.
I ran down the corridor, I hurried up the stairs. Hurtling through the hall, I burst into the Gryffindor Common Room (the Fat Lady didn't even ask for the password) and went straight up into the fifth year dormitories. There was of course no one there. I sat down next to the window and stared out of it.
I don't cry. I can't cry. Crying shows weakness and - God.... why? Why must everything always end so... horribly. I hugged my knees tightly to my chest and clenched my fists angrily. No.... I won't cry! I won't. I knew the tear was soming before I'd even felt it. It streamed down my cheek so fast it felt like I was standing under a dripping shower spiggot.
It is remarkable - and yet, sad - that you can be silently mourning one moment, and sobbing uncontrollably, your chest heaving with racked sobs the next. Well remarkable as it is, it can happen often. I sobbed and sobbed into my knees. Tears coursed down my cheeks, splattering lightly on my shoulders. I stuck out my tongue to taste my salty tears. It made me cry harder. I was so totally out of it, it took me awhile to register that someone had put a comforting arm around me and was ruffling my hair lightly. When I finally did notice someone was comforting me, I let out a short audible gasp and looked up, my face sopping with tears. I realized with a jolt that it was Hermione hugging me tightly, whispering the soothing words in my ear, running her hands through my very tousled hair, crying right along with me.
I couldn't understand why she was crying. I didn't want Hermione to cry..... but then again, I didn't really want to cry either, but here I was, blubbering like an idiot.
"Why?" I demanded through huge intakes of breath. Hermione rubbed my back gently.
"That's the question that every soul searches for in its existence. Ron, no one really knows why these things happen," Hermione whispered, hugging me so tightly it was oddly painful, "but wherever George is.... it's probably loads better than here!"
"That's the point!" I whispered through my tears, "why couldn't I go with him?"
There is no answer, for Hermione hasn't really heard me in the first place.
****
In the morning Fred, Ginny and myself were sent home to be with Mom, Dad and Bill and Charile and Percy during these times of sadness. So I'm stuck going home on the train, where people will be coming over to me to share their condolances or tell me "they know how I feel". No, they don't. Because what I'm feeling right now is resentment. Resentment to the fact that, after thinking about it all night and during some of the most horrible nightmares I've ever endured, George is indeed dead. They found his body in the Forbidden Forest. Fred is still too torn up to talk much about it so we're not sure why Fred and George were in there in the first place or why Voldemort was there.
But that's not really why I resent all of this. Basically.... Yes, George got out of this suffering world and I didn't, but the fact is, people are going to be patting me on the back in sympathy for the rest of my life. It's not just going to end today or tomorrow or even in a few month or years. It's always going to be there. Because there has come this horrible dawning of realisation to me. I have figured it out. I'm probably going to live as long a Nicholas Flamel, perhaps longer, just so I'll see all my friends and family ripped away from me while I have yet to perish.
It's one of the scariest thoughts of all time so I tried not to think about it. I walked onto the train and sat down in a compartment. In a moment, Fred and Ginny entered after me. They sat down too. Awkward silence. We're all so bloody emotional right now, we can't carry a fucking conversation! I'd better start.
"So.... did either of you hear about Draco Malfoy and.... Cho Chang?" I asked. I was pleased to see Fred and Ginny look up just a teensy bit. I'd have to get better at this! "Well apparently they're getting married."
Oh the look on Fred's face. "They are not!" he shouted. I hid a smile. Even in times of terrible sadness, Fred's thumbs up for a little gossip.
"Actually, they're engaged and they've scheduled the wedding for next summer." I was watching Fred so I only just caught the look of amusement on Ginny's face.
"They're getting married?" she repeated.
"Yes and Cho's pregnant too! So Malfoy felt he just had to propose!" Fred looked completely shocked. I glanced at Ginny and saw she looked smug. She opened her mouth to say something and I immediatly listened hard.
"See normally that would work with me but considering Malfoy's only fifteen and Cho's only sixteen, I have a feeling she's not pregnant, however slutty she is, because I know Malfoy would never propose to - or have sex with - Cho Chang.... because she's a Ravenclaw." I shook my head lightly.
"You look into it far too much, Ginny," I said and all three of us laughed. Not because it was funny, but because we felt we had to.
When the three of us got off the train we hardly expected someone to be waiting for us. However, when we came out of Platform 9 and 3/4 we found Dad stumbling in our general direction. When he saw us, he came over and gathered us up into a bone-crunching hug. In that second I realized that what people said wasn't true to all extents. Sometimes, when something bad happens, a hug can fix it all. But this time, a hug was absolutely useless and ridiculous at the same time. A hug didn't make us feel better, for the only thing that would make us feel better was our own wonderful brother back. I guess Dad felt obligated.
I hugged him awkwardly back because, it seemed to me Dad needed it and he was only hugging us for the hug back. So I hugged him. When we pulled apart I saw that Ginny had started crying, Fred was closing his eyes in frustration. I? I honestly had no clue what I was doing. I think I was walking blindly toward Dad's Ministry Car. Had he gotten it out of sympathy? Of course. I automatically stopped. I wasn't about to ride in that stupid car. And that was when Ginny fell into step beside me.
"Ron...." she said and turned so that she was facing me. I felt this inexcplicable pull and my eyes were ripped to Ginny's. I stared into her eyes. "Ron..." she threw her arms around me and whispered into my ear instead. She was crying so hard I had to strain to hear.
"I think..... I think it's my fault!" she cried. It was like a jolt of realization. I snapped to attention. There was no longer that feeling of unease or unattentiveness or blindness. I stared into Ginny's choclate brown eyes and decided that she was my favourite sibling. Not that I wanted to pick a favourite. But I could tell we'd always be very close. It suddenly occured to me that I'd get over George's death. But if Ginny ever left me.... then, well I'd probably turn into a dementor. With no happy memories left in me. I cuddled so close to Ginny that I could hardly breathe. I decided that I needed to set her straight.
"Ginny," I began and absentmidedly put some auburn hair behind her ear, "if anything, it's my fault. I wanted Fred and George to leave me alone. And now they have -" I stopped. I realized that were a few people staring at us. But besides that, I was completely speechless with shock. I thought is was my fault?!? The thought had never even occured to me but, well, obviously it had. I was not about to cry in front of a bunch of people I didn't know. I ran to the car and jumped in, burying my head in my hands. I cried the whole way home. Not loud tears, quite the contrary. They streamed down my cheeks but they were so silent I wondered if they were really there.
When the car stopped in the driveway I felt a horrible dread. What about Mum?
Everyone got out of the car and when I stayed in my seat Ginny reached in and gently pulled me out. She hooked her arm with mine and steered me toward the door. I begged her not to, whispering an urgent "no, please!" every three seconds. It became a routine. Three seconds.
"No, please!" I whispered. Ginny kept going. One, two, three. "No.... please!" I said a little more urgently. She went on.
"No! Please!" I screamed and it echoed around our property. Ginny stopped.
"What are you scared of?" she asked.
"Everything," I answered before sinking to my knees at Ginny's side. And it was true. I wasn't just afraid of spiders. I was afraid of losing Harry and Hermione as friends, losing Ginny as my sister, I was scared of Voldemort, I was scared of dying..... but most of all..... I was scared of not dying. Because right now... it's just what I wanted to do. And I knew I wouldn't. And that was the scariest thought of all.
I think I must have fainted or fallen asleep of something. Because when I opened my eyes after what seemed like a blink, I found myself sitting in the den. Charlie had just apparated into the room and Bill came right after. I reared back in my seat and the occupants of the room turned to look at me. I stared right back at all of them.... which didn't make sense as there were seven of them. But I didn't question how I looked at them all, simply sat there. They turned their attention back to Charlie and Bill, as did I. I almost keeled over from shock. They had no clue about George. I wished I was them.
"What was the hurry?" Bill demanded, gently after seeing the haunted expressions on his family members' faces.
"Yeah.... I was in the middle of training the new Chinese Fireball we got in yesterday. Coban came running to tell me you needed me to come here. When I consulted Bill, he told me he'd gotten pretty much the same message as I had so we came and - what's wrong?" He'd seen the look on Ginny's face. We all have a bit of a soft spot where Ginny comes in. He ran to Ginny who was sitting next to me. "Why are you crying?"
"And Ron...... you look like you've just died," Bill added from behind Charlie.
"Not me," I answered, dully. The whole room went completely silent.
"What?" Charlie said and Bill quickly scanned the room.
"Omega," Bill whispered and sat down on the couch behind him.
"What's going on?" Charlie said, who hadn't understood what I'd meant.
"I -" Dad tried to say. I watched as no one found the words to say it.
"George is dead," I said, flatly. I really didn't want to cry! I felt Ginny grab at my hand and hold it firmly. Charlie's eyes almost glazed over and suddenly he pulled Ginny and I into another bone-crunching hug. Another one that didn't do a bloody thing. I didn't even hug him back this time. When he pulled away he was crying. When I looked over at where Bill was previously sitting I found no one there. Bill was on the other side of the room hugging Fred furiously. I could hear Fred sobbing uncontrollably and I wanted to be able to cry with him. I looked around for Percy and I could see that even he was crying. He was hugging his knees. As I looked around the room, I saw that I was the only one not crying. And I knew I'd have to be strong... if not for myself, for my family.
I really don't have any respect for these characters. I just mentally and physically destroy them. I am so sorry for killing George. I ripped out a piece of my heart when I did that. He is one of my favourite characters. But it had to be done. Trust me, I'll make up for it. (No I won't). Now leave a review telling me what you think!
Song Identification: The song for this chapter was Cry by Mandy Moore. I sang this song with my friends in a Variety Show and we were one of the best acts there. It fits into the story a bit, so it's going here.
-Tine
Rating: R. It'll get extremely dark in upcoming chapters. Lots of angst. Suicide, death, and much more. You have been warned.
Disclaimer: The characters and situations in this story belong to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Warner Bros. The writer is making no money off of it and does not claim ownership over it. And other citations will be made where necassary.
Dedication: I'm dedicating this to JK Rowling, who's imagination and amazing mind has put together an incredible story that has inspired me to write this fanfic. Please don't sue me Joanne, I do not claim to own this, for my mind could never compare to yours. Thanks for helping me decide where I want to go in life.
Author's Note: The people who reviewed this are so awesome! I love you people so much! You deserve to enjoy this next chapter. This one has loads of angst in it, though. It took me a loooooong time to write!! Now to the chapter! R&R!
Chapter 3
*** In places no one would find, All your feelings so deep inside. It was then that I realized that forever was in your eyes, The moment I saw you cry.
Mandy Moore, Cry. ***
With only a week left until the holidays, I found myself with, not surprisingly, very little to feel jolly and happy about. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to feel warm and friendly, it just didn't seem to be in me. The rest of the Gryffindor Common Room was cheery and delightful... but I just couldn't get in the mood. There was a big party in the common room and while everyone partied, I sat in an armchair and read my book. Even Harry, who hardly ever participates in the fun activities anymore, was drinking a mug of butterbeer with Seamus, Dean and Neville while Hermione lectured them about partying on a school night. We did indeed have classes the following day, but no one took any notice of this issue.
There was a lot of noise around me but I barely even realized it. I'd finished Hogwarts: A History last week and was busy reading The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts. The book was absolutely fascinating. Not long ago I would have dropped the book on the ground in a fright and run away screaming in the opposite direction, had it somehow fallen into my hands. Now, the fact that it was sitting among Hermione's school things allowed me reason to read it. And while people stared at me like I'd gone mad, I could really enjoy myself without feeling guilty.
But even as I sat there, engrossed in this newly discovered book, I felt empty.
"Ron!" shouted Fred. I sighed deeply and shut the book with a snap. He sat down beside me. I looked around for George. He wasn't there.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Well, why aren't you joining the festivities?" he demanded.
"We have classes tomorrow and I have this huge essay for Snape that has to be handed in to him and-"
"Ron," Fred began, and he looked sincerely worried, "are you all right? What's with all this work? You've never thredded this much about schoolwork. Is there something wrong? Are you okay?" I stared at Fred.
"What's with your blubbering?" I demanded. Fred shrugged.
"You're my only younger brother. I don't want to screw up."
"Screw up what?" I asked.
"Being a good big brother."
"What are you talking about Fred?"
"Well.... I just don't want you to end up like......" he was interrupted by a cry of noise from the center of the room. Neville had just launched himself off a table, onto the floor. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. And then I remembered that Fred had been just saying something.
"You don't want me to end up like who?" I wondered. Fred's mouth remained open a couple of seconds before he swallowed and answered:
"Me." And before I could even register what he'd said, he was beside George and they'd both began to swing dance around the room. Why didn't Fred want me to end up like him? I sat there for the rest of the night, after everyone had gone up to bed and when the fire in the Common Room finally went out, I still had no answer to the question.
****
The Great Hall was filled with the sound of laughter and conversation. It was the school's last meal together before the Christmas holidays. Once again practically everyone was happy except myself. And I so wanted to be joyfull! But.... there was this feeling in the pit of stomach that told me if I hoped for nothing I couldn't be disappointed. So I remained depressed. I was starting to show, on the outside. That was definitely a bad thing. There was always a fine line between the real me and the fake me. That difference was slowly fading.
I gathered some spinach onto my fork and put it in my mouth distractedly. Without realizing it, I ate all my spinach, chicken and potatoes and was left with the peas. I braced myself, for peas always made me gag. I shoved a fork-full in my mouth and chewed fast. It was not a good idea. I coughed roughly and began to choke on the large mouthful. I grabbed my water, drank some and took lovely breaths of air.
"Are you OK, Ron?" Hermione asked. I nodded, drinking more water. Hermione patted my hand with her hers. I looked up and smiled faintly. The food on my plate was soon gone and I began to scoop ice-cream into a bowl. Just as I picked up my spoon to eat some I felt a sharp pain in my temples. I dropped the spoon onto the plate with a loud clank and leaned forward, clutching my head. Everyone sitting around me began to ask if I was all right. Hermione and Harry were both shouting that something was wrong with me when the "headache" passed and I sat up abruptly.
I groaned and swallowed a lump in my throat. I couldn't even figure out what was wrong. It felt like my brain was trying to tell me something. My hands were clammy with cold sweat. I breathed deeply and was vaguely aware of Hermione shaking me slightly. I snapped back to reality and looked around the hall.
"Ron!" shouted a practically hysterical Hermione, "what's wrong Ron!?" I shook my head to chase the lingering thoughts away. Dumbledore was standing up at the staff table.
"I'm all right," I muttered and the Gryffindor table seemingly sighed with relief. Or perhaps they were groaning... simply because I was all right.
"Oh Ron," Hermione said flinging her arms around me, "thank goodness you're all right!"
"Stop that Hermione... I'm completely fine," I replied but the looks on my two friend's faces seemed to be thinking otherwise.
Suddenly the doors of the Great Hall burst open and in ran a frantic person, sobbing hysetrically, soaking wet, attempting to speak. Only a few words were coherent.
"I - in trouble - dead." It was only then that I realized it was Fred. I leapt to my feet, despite the attempts to stop me by Harry and Hermione and ran forward. I fell to my knees at Fred's side and was aware that Ginny was right beside me.
"Fred... Fred what's wrong!?" I demanded, trying not to lose my head. I could feel dread in the pit of my stomach. I could see my fellow classmates and students staring dumbfoundedly at Fred, Ginny and myself. The teachers were making their way over to us.
"Fred!" Ginny cried, tears running down her face, for she too could feel, just as I could, the feeling of unease and horrible dawning.
George wasn't there.
Suddenly Fred grabbed Ginny and I by the collars of our shirts and gasped out a feeble;
"George... You-Know-Who... tried to stop it - couldn't do anything - George... dead." There was an eerie silence all around as sudden comprehension dawned on the people in the room. I gaped at my now unconsious brother and felt the world slipping away from me.
I felt - rather than heard - Ginny burst into uncontrollable sobs and bury her head in my shoulder. As much as I wanted to comfort my sister... I couldn't. For I too could hardly compose myself. I jumped to my feet and fled the hall, despair flooding through me. Right now..... I understood exactly what it felt like to not understand something. And it made me so angry.... I had to run away from it.
I ran down the corridor, I hurried up the stairs. Hurtling through the hall, I burst into the Gryffindor Common Room (the Fat Lady didn't even ask for the password) and went straight up into the fifth year dormitories. There was of course no one there. I sat down next to the window and stared out of it.
I don't cry. I can't cry. Crying shows weakness and - God.... why? Why must everything always end so... horribly. I hugged my knees tightly to my chest and clenched my fists angrily. No.... I won't cry! I won't. I knew the tear was soming before I'd even felt it. It streamed down my cheek so fast it felt like I was standing under a dripping shower spiggot.
It is remarkable - and yet, sad - that you can be silently mourning one moment, and sobbing uncontrollably, your chest heaving with racked sobs the next. Well remarkable as it is, it can happen often. I sobbed and sobbed into my knees. Tears coursed down my cheeks, splattering lightly on my shoulders. I stuck out my tongue to taste my salty tears. It made me cry harder. I was so totally out of it, it took me awhile to register that someone had put a comforting arm around me and was ruffling my hair lightly. When I finally did notice someone was comforting me, I let out a short audible gasp and looked up, my face sopping with tears. I realized with a jolt that it was Hermione hugging me tightly, whispering the soothing words in my ear, running her hands through my very tousled hair, crying right along with me.
I couldn't understand why she was crying. I didn't want Hermione to cry..... but then again, I didn't really want to cry either, but here I was, blubbering like an idiot.
"Why?" I demanded through huge intakes of breath. Hermione rubbed my back gently.
"That's the question that every soul searches for in its existence. Ron, no one really knows why these things happen," Hermione whispered, hugging me so tightly it was oddly painful, "but wherever George is.... it's probably loads better than here!"
"That's the point!" I whispered through my tears, "why couldn't I go with him?"
There is no answer, for Hermione hasn't really heard me in the first place.
****
In the morning Fred, Ginny and myself were sent home to be with Mom, Dad and Bill and Charile and Percy during these times of sadness. So I'm stuck going home on the train, where people will be coming over to me to share their condolances or tell me "they know how I feel". No, they don't. Because what I'm feeling right now is resentment. Resentment to the fact that, after thinking about it all night and during some of the most horrible nightmares I've ever endured, George is indeed dead. They found his body in the Forbidden Forest. Fred is still too torn up to talk much about it so we're not sure why Fred and George were in there in the first place or why Voldemort was there.
But that's not really why I resent all of this. Basically.... Yes, George got out of this suffering world and I didn't, but the fact is, people are going to be patting me on the back in sympathy for the rest of my life. It's not just going to end today or tomorrow or even in a few month or years. It's always going to be there. Because there has come this horrible dawning of realisation to me. I have figured it out. I'm probably going to live as long a Nicholas Flamel, perhaps longer, just so I'll see all my friends and family ripped away from me while I have yet to perish.
It's one of the scariest thoughts of all time so I tried not to think about it. I walked onto the train and sat down in a compartment. In a moment, Fred and Ginny entered after me. They sat down too. Awkward silence. We're all so bloody emotional right now, we can't carry a fucking conversation! I'd better start.
"So.... did either of you hear about Draco Malfoy and.... Cho Chang?" I asked. I was pleased to see Fred and Ginny look up just a teensy bit. I'd have to get better at this! "Well apparently they're getting married."
Oh the look on Fred's face. "They are not!" he shouted. I hid a smile. Even in times of terrible sadness, Fred's thumbs up for a little gossip.
"Actually, they're engaged and they've scheduled the wedding for next summer." I was watching Fred so I only just caught the look of amusement on Ginny's face.
"They're getting married?" she repeated.
"Yes and Cho's pregnant too! So Malfoy felt he just had to propose!" Fred looked completely shocked. I glanced at Ginny and saw she looked smug. She opened her mouth to say something and I immediatly listened hard.
"See normally that would work with me but considering Malfoy's only fifteen and Cho's only sixteen, I have a feeling she's not pregnant, however slutty she is, because I know Malfoy would never propose to - or have sex with - Cho Chang.... because she's a Ravenclaw." I shook my head lightly.
"You look into it far too much, Ginny," I said and all three of us laughed. Not because it was funny, but because we felt we had to.
When the three of us got off the train we hardly expected someone to be waiting for us. However, when we came out of Platform 9 and 3/4 we found Dad stumbling in our general direction. When he saw us, he came over and gathered us up into a bone-crunching hug. In that second I realized that what people said wasn't true to all extents. Sometimes, when something bad happens, a hug can fix it all. But this time, a hug was absolutely useless and ridiculous at the same time. A hug didn't make us feel better, for the only thing that would make us feel better was our own wonderful brother back. I guess Dad felt obligated.
I hugged him awkwardly back because, it seemed to me Dad needed it and he was only hugging us for the hug back. So I hugged him. When we pulled apart I saw that Ginny had started crying, Fred was closing his eyes in frustration. I? I honestly had no clue what I was doing. I think I was walking blindly toward Dad's Ministry Car. Had he gotten it out of sympathy? Of course. I automatically stopped. I wasn't about to ride in that stupid car. And that was when Ginny fell into step beside me.
"Ron...." she said and turned so that she was facing me. I felt this inexcplicable pull and my eyes were ripped to Ginny's. I stared into her eyes. "Ron..." she threw her arms around me and whispered into my ear instead. She was crying so hard I had to strain to hear.
"I think..... I think it's my fault!" she cried. It was like a jolt of realization. I snapped to attention. There was no longer that feeling of unease or unattentiveness or blindness. I stared into Ginny's choclate brown eyes and decided that she was my favourite sibling. Not that I wanted to pick a favourite. But I could tell we'd always be very close. It suddenly occured to me that I'd get over George's death. But if Ginny ever left me.... then, well I'd probably turn into a dementor. With no happy memories left in me. I cuddled so close to Ginny that I could hardly breathe. I decided that I needed to set her straight.
"Ginny," I began and absentmidedly put some auburn hair behind her ear, "if anything, it's my fault. I wanted Fred and George to leave me alone. And now they have -" I stopped. I realized that were a few people staring at us. But besides that, I was completely speechless with shock. I thought is was my fault?!? The thought had never even occured to me but, well, obviously it had. I was not about to cry in front of a bunch of people I didn't know. I ran to the car and jumped in, burying my head in my hands. I cried the whole way home. Not loud tears, quite the contrary. They streamed down my cheeks but they were so silent I wondered if they were really there.
When the car stopped in the driveway I felt a horrible dread. What about Mum?
Everyone got out of the car and when I stayed in my seat Ginny reached in and gently pulled me out. She hooked her arm with mine and steered me toward the door. I begged her not to, whispering an urgent "no, please!" every three seconds. It became a routine. Three seconds.
"No, please!" I whispered. Ginny kept going. One, two, three. "No.... please!" I said a little more urgently. She went on.
"No! Please!" I screamed and it echoed around our property. Ginny stopped.
"What are you scared of?" she asked.
"Everything," I answered before sinking to my knees at Ginny's side. And it was true. I wasn't just afraid of spiders. I was afraid of losing Harry and Hermione as friends, losing Ginny as my sister, I was scared of Voldemort, I was scared of dying..... but most of all..... I was scared of not dying. Because right now... it's just what I wanted to do. And I knew I wouldn't. And that was the scariest thought of all.
I think I must have fainted or fallen asleep of something. Because when I opened my eyes after what seemed like a blink, I found myself sitting in the den. Charlie had just apparated into the room and Bill came right after. I reared back in my seat and the occupants of the room turned to look at me. I stared right back at all of them.... which didn't make sense as there were seven of them. But I didn't question how I looked at them all, simply sat there. They turned their attention back to Charlie and Bill, as did I. I almost keeled over from shock. They had no clue about George. I wished I was them.
"What was the hurry?" Bill demanded, gently after seeing the haunted expressions on his family members' faces.
"Yeah.... I was in the middle of training the new Chinese Fireball we got in yesterday. Coban came running to tell me you needed me to come here. When I consulted Bill, he told me he'd gotten pretty much the same message as I had so we came and - what's wrong?" He'd seen the look on Ginny's face. We all have a bit of a soft spot where Ginny comes in. He ran to Ginny who was sitting next to me. "Why are you crying?"
"And Ron...... you look like you've just died," Bill added from behind Charlie.
"Not me," I answered, dully. The whole room went completely silent.
"What?" Charlie said and Bill quickly scanned the room.
"Omega," Bill whispered and sat down on the couch behind him.
"What's going on?" Charlie said, who hadn't understood what I'd meant.
"I -" Dad tried to say. I watched as no one found the words to say it.
"George is dead," I said, flatly. I really didn't want to cry! I felt Ginny grab at my hand and hold it firmly. Charlie's eyes almost glazed over and suddenly he pulled Ginny and I into another bone-crunching hug. Another one that didn't do a bloody thing. I didn't even hug him back this time. When he pulled away he was crying. When I looked over at where Bill was previously sitting I found no one there. Bill was on the other side of the room hugging Fred furiously. I could hear Fred sobbing uncontrollably and I wanted to be able to cry with him. I looked around for Percy and I could see that even he was crying. He was hugging his knees. As I looked around the room, I saw that I was the only one not crying. And I knew I'd have to be strong... if not for myself, for my family.
I really don't have any respect for these characters. I just mentally and physically destroy them. I am so sorry for killing George. I ripped out a piece of my heart when I did that. He is one of my favourite characters. But it had to be done. Trust me, I'll make up for it. (No I won't). Now leave a review telling me what you think!
Song Identification: The song for this chapter was Cry by Mandy Moore. I sang this song with my friends in a Variety Show and we were one of the best acts there. It fits into the story a bit, so it's going here.
-Tine