AN: This better be a good chapter. I must have gone through five drafts before I got to this one.

Chapter eight: "A question to ponder"

                As much as Kel loved traveling on the quiet roads between Mindelan and Corus, she was relieved to be back in the bustling capital city. The noise provided a welcomed distraction from the mental turmoil she was going through. Ever since they left Mindelan Kel had become anxious, wondering if the next sentence out of Joren's mouth would be that fateful question.

                Kel looked around her room. She had already finished unpacking, and now she had time to herself. Time to… think. Oh, that process was so complicated now! Kel let out a sigh of frustration as she slumped into a chair. She had about an hour or so before she needed to clean up for dinner. Fortunately she'd have her friends there, so she didn't have to worry about Joren's questions then. Unless he proposed in front of them? Kel rolled her eyes and tried to clear her mind.

                Meanwhile Joren had a bit more unpacking to do. He'd been relocated to a different room in the palace. He wasn't expected to live in the squires' wing anymore. Joren had finished unpacking his personal items, and turned to the bags he took to Mindelan. As he pulled out a crumbled up shirt, something fell to the wooden floor. Joren looked down at the black ring box, the box that so many times on the trip had plagued him. Every time he tried to ask Kel, something happened. First was the interruption by Tobias, cute as he was that incident was not adorable. Then on the road Kel had countered with another question before he could begin his. In fact, now that he thought about it, Kel was avoiding any intimate conversations with him the entire ride back. Did she know?

                Joren opened the ring box and took the ring out. If Kel somehow found out, and was avoiding the subject, he needed to be extremely careful with the way he handled the proposal. Hopefully she was just nervous, and not trying to postpone her refusal. Joren shook his head, attempting to rid his mind of the thought of rejection, and tucked the ring into his pocket. Today. Today he would ask her. Joren strode out of his room, on his way to dinner. Head held high with confidence he walked over to Kel's room, hoping to walk with her.

                Kel had just finished changing when there was a knock at the door. "Kel? It's me." She heard Joren call.

                "Hallo." Kel said cheerfully as she shut the door behind them. "All settled in your room?"

                Joren nodded. "It's nice. Maybe you should come by for a visit." Joren said. Set the right atmosphere and every thing should be perfect.

                "I can't tonight. I - um - have to do something for my Lord. Maybe tomorrow?" She suggested. That extra time would give her a chance to speak with Portia. That girl could always talk some sense into her.

                Joren faked a smile. "Sure." Maybe he ought to set a more reasonable deadline. Say by the end of the week?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                Dinner, to Kel's dismay, ended up being with only a handful of her friends. Merric, Seaver, Faleron, Prosper, and of course Neal, were sent to the border.

                "All four of them in a week?" Kel questioned.

                Roald nodded. "The Eastern border in getting tougher to protect. They're taking all the men they can get." Kel chuckled; he was echoing her father's words. "There's nothing funny about it Kel." Roald said seriously.

                "Sorry. You just sound like my father." she apologized.

                "Yeah, well, Neal's due back in two weeks." Cleon said. "Question is, who's going to replace him and Alanna?"

                The small group sat in silence, some eating, others contemplating - wondering who'd be next to go east. It wouldn't be so bad going east, Kel thought. It would get me away from the palace. Truth was Kel hadn't really gone anywhere with the King's Own lately, and she was itching for something new. Just as that thought crossed her mind, Joren spoke up.

                "I sure hope Raoul doesn't get sent in." He said. All eyes, especially Kel's focused on Joren.

                Kel cleared her throat. "And what, pray tell, do you mean by that?" She asked. The others at the table recognized the fatal mistake Joren had made, and watched as the scene played out.

                Joren's eyes widened at Kel's reaction. "I just… don't want to see you get hurt. If what everyone's saying is right, it's mighty dangerous out there."

                "Are you saying I can't handle it?"

                "No! No, not at all, Kel. I would never think that, okay? Never. You can handle it, sure, but me? I'd kill myself with worry." Joren finished, and sighed inwardly. That was close.

                Kel glanced at Joren and nodded her head slightly. Turning to her friends she asked, "What are you looking at?" They all snapped out of their trance and went back to normal.

                That night Kel kissed Joren goodnight and went straight to bed. The faster she slept the sooner her thoughts would leave. Kel laid in bed that night thinking about the dinner conservation. What had Joren really meant? Was he that genuinely concerned or did he not think she could cut it out there? This new question circled in her mind, along with the other, obvious one.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                The sun was out, the day was cool, and Kel sat outside talking to her ever-present voice of reason. Portia, always perfect and wise, had listened to Kel talk on and on for over half a hour now. She opened and shut her eyes, exaggerating the fact that Kel was boring her.

                "Well, then Miss know it all, talk some sense to me." Kel said, faking annoyance.

                Portia beamed. "Talk sense or say what you want to hear?" she asked. "And for your information, that's Mrs. know it all."

                Kel glared. "What do you mean by that?"

                Her friend answered, "I told you. Alton and I married while you were gone. Private, simple, elegant."

                "I didn't mean that." Kel said. "What do you mean 'What I want to hear'?"

                "Oh that. Of course." Portia circled her friend, eyeing her closely. "Knowing you," she began with a smirk, "You're afraid he'll hold you back. That with a husband you will never gain your shield, never go out and protect the downtrodden, and stay at home with the kids while Joren goes off to war. All your dreams will be shattered." She paused, dramatically. "Am I right?"

                "I hate you."

                "I am right!" she exclaimed. "Oh, don't hate me, I just know you too well." She took Kel's shoulders and forced her to look into her own eyes. "Listen to me. Love, marriage, the whole thing will never, ever ruin your dreams."

                Kel looked away. "That's what mother tells me. How do you know?"

                Portia scoffed. "When Alton and I first met, it was in a small book shop. He was impressed, that a young woman such as I could read, and wanted to. I told him my dreams to open a shop of my own. Alton, he embraced my dream, like no one else had. And now he's helping me make that dream a reality. Without him, I'd never get that shop started."

                "But, that's different." Kel began.

                "No," Portia said. "It's the same. Men still frown upon educated women, especially ones that do things equal to what men do. And if you need another example, one closer to home maybe, look at the Lioness. She's married, with three children to boot! Think that slows her down?"

                Kel shook her head. "You're right, Portia. I'm so glad I talked with you, or else I might have made the biggest mistake of my life."

                "Love won't anchor your dreams, only offer someone to support and believe in you." Portia said. "And isn't that what love is? Believing in each other?"

                "Did you get that from a book?" Kel asked.

                "No." She replied. "I got that from you."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                That night Kel took up Joren's offer and went to his room. He had left her a note that afternoon that they would eat dinner and spend the evening together. Kel knew exactly what was coming; the planning that went into this night could be for only one reason. He was going to ask her to marry him tonight. And she was going to say yes.

                Kel could hardly believe she was about to agree to marry Joren. But after talking to Portia, and once she recognized her true feelings, she realized that the answer had always been yes, she was just afraid to accept it. Once she got to the door, Kel paused. All of a sudden she had flutters in her stomach. Kel inhaled and exhaled slowly, calming herself enough to knock on the door.

                "Come on in, Kel. I left it open for you." Joren called from inside.

                Kel opened the door and looked around the room. It was not at all want she expected, which was a relief actually because she was expecting some romantic set-up that would make her gag. But this? It looked like – like he was packing.

                "Joren? What's going on?" she asked.

                Joren turned, a total look of seriousness on his handsome face. "Neal and Alanna are coming back in a few days."

                Kel tried to smile. "That's good. But…"

                "Well, someone has to replace them up East." Joren said solemnly.

                Kel didn't even have to ask. She knew why it looked as if he were packing. Because he was packing; packing to head east, to the Tortall-Scanra border. "They're sending you East. For how long, Joren?"

                Joren ran a hand through his hair. "Uh – they say at least three months. Probably five or six, though."

                Kel tired to smile. She crossed the room and was pulled into Joren's arms. There they stood, embracing each other, for a long time. Joren held her tight, his hands running through her short, sandy brown hair. "It'll be all right. We can write to each other all the time, keep in touch." Kel said.

                "I know that." Joren laughed.

                "I was saying that to reassume myself."

                "Oh." Joren sighed. He let her go, but not before kissing her. "I love you, Keladry of Mindelan."

                Kel took a step back so she could see him; so she could look into his eyes when she said, "And I you. Joren." Kel smiled warmly and turned to the door. "Maybe I ought to leave you. So you can pack."

                Joren ran in front of her and stopped Kel dead in her tracks. "No, don't leave. Not just yet."  Joren took her hands and led Kel to a chair, sitting her in it. "Before you go, I have to ask you something." Kel's eyes must have given her away; she knew what was coming and wanted to smile, but tried to hide it. "I can see my suspicions were correct. Which of you cousins told you my plans? Lachran I'll bet." Joren said.

                Kel shook her head. "Mother."

                "Your mother! Now there's one I didn't expect. Well, I may as well get it over with." Joren smiled and looked into Kel's hazel eyes, which were smiling back at him. "Kel, you – you have changed my life in so many ways I can't even name them all. You broke through the disguise I wore and saw the real me. Against all odds you loved me and stood by me. When my father –" Joren paused. "For a long time I felt like I had no family, until I realized that you are my family. Without you I don't know where I'd be. And… I'm afraid of what will become of me if you aren't here, by my side, for the rest of my life." Joren took out the ring and placed it in Kel's hand, which was shaking. He took her hand in his and continued. "Kel, I'm asking you to be my wife. But you needn't answer me right now."

                Kel grabbed Joren face between her palms and kissed him sweetly. "Joren I-"

                But he cut her off. "No, not now. I want you to be absolutely sure about this. I recognized you anxiety on the trip back, and I can only assume it was about this." He undid a silver chain around his neck and proceeded to place the ring on it. Then, he placed the chain around Kel's neck and latched it on. "Don't put this ring on until you're willing to wear it forever." He said. "I know you want your shield, and trust me I am willing to wait until you win it to be married. We can have the rest of our lives… what's a few years to wait?"

                Kel looked down at the silver ring. It was a beautiful setting, with a wonderfully cut moonstone in the center. "It's beautiful. I just don't understand why I can't give you my answer now."

                Joren shook his head. "I want you to really think about it. I'd hate to think you were pressured into answering because I was leaving. It won't be long, you can give me an answer as soon as I get back."

                "Okay." Kel said. "When are you leaving?" she asked, changing the subject to something more immediate.

                "In the morning. Pretty early." Joren said, groaning. "But, Kel, I don't want you seeing me off."

                Kel's face wrinkled in confusion. "Why not?"

                "Because, it would be too hard. Saying good-bye."

                Kel placed her hands on her hips. "Are you saying I can't handle it?"

                "No, I'm saying I can't." Joren chuckled. "If I have to say good-bye to you tomorrow, well, I may not have the strength to leave. Then what kind of knight would I be?" He kissed her forehead.

                "Well then. Goodb-"

                Joren touched his fingers to her lips. "Good-byes are so final, as if the speaker is never coming back. And I assure you… I am returning."

                Kel smiled. "Good night then?"

                Joren nodded. "Yes. Good night, my love."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                The next morning Joren left. Kel woke up long before sunrise to wait by the window. As the sun rose above the horizon Kel saw Joren leaving the palace with three other men. She pressed her head against the glass and watched him until he was merely a speck in the distance.

                "I'll see you soon, Joren." She whispered into the morning air. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

                Summary of Chapter nine – "Broken correspondence"

Joren and Kel plan to exchange letters back and forth over the five months Joren is away. The letters begin peacefully, but over time Joren writes of more action on the border. After three months the letters Kel sends are out numbering the ones she receives. A month later, the letters stop coming.