OWWWWWWWWWW. F***ing hell! I was just walking down the stairs to get to my computer and I tripped and fell down the last four stairs. Now my shin is f***ing THROBBING and it hurts like a bitch.
Can anyone tell that when I get hurt I swear? But (haha) this story is still PG-13. Hah.
OMG. I think I'm seriously losing it. like I'm not even joking. I called one of my better friends KEL yesterday morning. Christ. If this doesn't stop, I don't know what I'll do.
Okay, so you weren't supposed to realize that those were backwards words. And the reason that you couldn't read them was because they were french words. That's why meteors wasn't sreoetem. And I made up some of them. So there. don't try to decode any more — it's not relevant at all.
Well, anyway. This chapter cracks me up, so that makes me happy. I hope you'll like it. you sort of have to have a rather . . . skewed sense of humor, so it is my dearest wish that if you don't, you'll pretend to, and have fun with the story.
Chapter Two
In Which We Follow The Sparrows
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The flock was resting in the Palace gardens, searching out sunflowers and pecking at the seeds.
Pecks-out-eyes, the leader of the sparrow clan, cocked his head and looked at the sunflower seed in front of his small feathery form. How he loved sunflower seeds! He must try to get She-who-feeds to locate some, so he could have them more often. Just like the cherries. How he loved cherries! Pecks-out-eyes thought in his diabolical sparrow brain.
Suddenly, Tears-with-claws-and-beak darted in front of him and snatched his sunflower seed away! Pecks-out-eyes screeched and took off. Behind him, Bloody Talons and Feather Slaughter, his personal guards, took to the air after the rogue bird.
The escapade lasted only a few seconds. Tears-with-claws-and-beak, looking behind him to check on his pursuers progress, flew into a branch. Stunned, he dropped the seed. Bloody Talons swerved to catch it. Pecks-out-eyes joined his guards on the ground and proceeded to devour his snack.
After the sparrows had eaten their fill, Pecks-out-eyes led them off, looking for One-who-feeds. It took them a while, but they found her.
She was in He-who-makes-funny-noises' study. Through the glass window, they could see her and the man having a heated discussion. Unfortunately, the humans were so wrapped up in the argument that neither noticed the birds.
Insubordinates! thought Pecks-out-eyes. He gave the signal, and all around him, sparrows rushed to the windows, frantically tapping it with talons and beaks. Off to his right, a young male hit the window too hard with his beak and knocked himself out. Pecks-out-eyes watched the male fall without pity — stupidity was not welcome in his clan!
Finally, She-who-feeds noticed the birds' presence and opened the window violently. They flew into the room and settled, and the point of view switched out of their brains.
"You have to go," Neal said.
"I do not!" Kel cried vehemently.
"It's the King's birthday! Everyone will be expecting you! You're one of two lady knights in the country!"
"And I'll go to the celebration – just not the ball!"
"Come on," Neal prodded.
"Do I even like anyone that's going to the ball?" Kel challenged, her hands on her hips.
"Well, sort of–" Neal faltered.
"Hah! No one is going! And therefore, I refuse to go!"
"No wait!" Neal cried hurriedly. "You'll know people. There are a few people going."
"Like who?"
"Sir Raoul–"
"With Buri, so he'll be in the clouds."
"–and so will Owen–"
"He'll just eat."
"–And I know there's someone else–"
"Maybe Cleon, because then, well, of course I'll go!"
"Oh, right – Dom said Sir Raoul talked him into going."
There was just the slightest pause before Kel said, "Oh goody! I can be made fun of all–"
The following conversation ensued:
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"You paused!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Just then – you paused!"
"No I didn't."
"Not then – before!"
"No, I didn't!"
"You did too! I heard you!"
"Okay, so maybe I did. What about it?"
"You like him!"
"What? I do not! You're bonkers!"
"Hah! You do!"
"You're acting like my sisters!"
"So?"
"You're acting like my sisters."
"You're avoiding the subject."
"There is no subject!"
"I can't believe you like him! Dom! Ha!"
"I don't!"
"Don't deny it."
"I don't! I'm not!"
"Yes, you do, and yes, you are."
"You're impossible!" Kel threw up her hands and ran into her sleeping chamber, slamming the door. The lock didn't catch and it swung open again. Neal snickered. Kel glared daggers at him and slammed it again, and once more it popped open, revealing her furious face. Neal broke out into loud laughter. She slowly closed the door, and the lock finally held.
"I'll come and get you at eight," Neal called through the wood. "Make sure you look pretty, love."
"Shut up!" she shouted from the bedroom.
"You are going, aren't you?"
Pause.
"Yes," she muttered sullenly.
Neal laughed again and strolled out the door. As soon as she heard the outer door close, Kel opened the bedroom door and went out into the living chambers again. She turned against it and slid down the wall to the floor, where she buried her head in her arms.
A small pressure on her shoulder alerted her to the fact that a sparrow had landed on her shoulder. She lifted her head and smiled at the bird.
Pecks-out-eyes took his chance and pecked her on the neck.
"Ow!" she cried, slapping a hand to the peck-mark. She used her other hand to find her stash of cherries.
Pecks-out-eyes snatched one cherry and signaled the flock to grab the rest. They swarmed around her head in a feather mob, then fluttered out her window, leaving the woman alone in her room.
The sparrows relocated to an empty courtyard, to calm down and eat their feast. Pint-sized stomachs full, they had just settled down for a mid-morning nap when they felt a bolt of emotions that jolted their souls. That meant only one thing – Daine had sent it. The birds took to the air to search her out.
Following the surge of wild magic that emanated from her, the sparrows found her in next to no time. She was in a part of the Palace they were unfamiliar with, but they recognized the man she was talking to.
The flock swirled in through the window and alighted on a shelf. Daine ignored them, as she ignored the dogs, cats, mice, a pet monkey, and one knight's annoying talking parrot that had rushed to her comfort. Her attention was focused on the man in front of her.
Jon was sitting behind his desk, looking serious. Daine stood in front of the desk, absolutely shell-shocked.
"Bodyguards?" she squeaked.
The King of Tortall nodded gravely. "This is obviously a death threat, Daine." He held up the note from that morning. "See, right there? That's 'GONE,' in case you've forgotten how to read. Someone wants you 'GONE' – that is, dead!"
"But . . . bodyguards?"
"They'll help you."
"You don't even know if it's a threat! And what language could that note possibly be written in?"
"Daine, there are other countries beyond Scanra to the north and Tyra to the east, you know. Of course, no one knows anything about them – which is why we have to be very careful." Jon glanced around furtively. "Which is why I'm calling in the specialists."
"And who are they?"
"The Individualized Defenders In Odd Times Squad." He waved a hand, and a bolt of blue magic spread to the door and opened it.
Wait a minute, Daine thought. IDIOTS? But by then, four men had entered the room, and her attention was diverted.
They were huge, hulking men – none under six feet tall, and very sturdy-looking as well. Their arms bulged with muscles. They were wearing black flowing cloacks that were sleeveless but had a hood anyway, so their faces were hidden.
"Meet the IDIOTS." Jon waved his hand and inclined his head. "Please, introduce yourselves."
"I'm Agent Dean."
"Agent Don, nice to meet you."
"Agent Dan – it's a pleasure."
"And I'm Agent Vincent Montgomery."
Daine blinked.
Jon took the opportunity to keep talking. "Now, Daine, I'm assigning these men to guard you day and night. During the day, at least one will be within five feet of you at all times. At night, two will be outside your door, and one will be outside your window."
Daine's jaw dropped.
Jon continued talking. "When you go somewhere, they need to know, so they can secure the area. Now, are you going to the ball tonight?" Daine nodded her head wordlessly. "Good! It's going to be so much fun! I have a band all set up, and I have this absolutely gorgeous new tunic, and –"
Agent Dan cleared his throat.
"– ahem. As I was saying, I'll need to secure that area. And remember: five feet at all times." He patted her shoulder and escorted her out the door.
Agent Dean followed her. He snapped his fingers, and a small ball of white fire appeared. He muttered into it. "This is Agent Dean. I have Duckmole under my guard and we're –"
Daine whirled around. "What was that?"
"What?"
"Duckmole."
"Er . . . you."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"What?"
"Duckmole?"
"Yes."
"What about it?"
"Why is Duckmole me?"
"Well, everyone needs a nickname so if the perpetrator–"
"The who?"
"The . . . er, bad guy–"
"Oh."
"So if he overhears he doesn't know who it is."
"Why am I Duckmole?"
"I don't make the nicknames, ma'am, I just talk them."
Daine growled and spun on her heel, walking out the door. The sparrows followed her.
When she reached her room, there was another note. She grabbed it off the bed and read it, before Agent Dean had a chance to tell her not to.
It read:
Adinxiq vuaqixhq GRSqlxi aindlx qhohikk OnxHHqoH HHHOKNNN Qpuqnc. Qoucn; puluzuujv oqicnkddd bYe aoxkkk AoKLLqonxn!! Ghooooooooooooooo. Monoai, oqkcnkxp pqkxnzonv?
Kitten, hidden under the bed, chuckled to herself.
"Here's another one," Daine sighed, tossing the note to Agent Dean. He read it and gasped, rather girlishly, in fact.
"Oh, no!" he cried. "Look, right here on paper — bYe! That's 'bye!' As in 'GONE!' As in dead! Oh, no!"
"I'm sure I'll be fine, really," Daine remarked dryly. "Now if you'll excuse me? I have to get ready for the ball — There's only four hours until the ball, and I am already behind schedule. I must start my bath immediately."
"I'm glad for it, miss. But I have to be within five feet, remember? So I'll just be in the room — I won't look, of course," Agent Dean replied.
"What? That's ridiculous! I'm not taking a bath if you're in the room!" Daine screeched.
"You have to, miss," Agent Dean replied stoically.
Daine sighed heavily. "Okay, here's the deal, IDIOT." Agent Dean opened his mouth to defend himself, but stopped, looking confused. Daine continued. "I'll push the basin so it'll be within five feet of the door, okay? That way, you can stand outside the door and still be within five feet of me. Got it?"
Before he could reply, she stalked into the washroom and slammed the door. Agent Dean shrugged and took his post outside the door.
The sparrows swirled out the open window of Daine's room, into yet another courtyard. Too bad we can't go to the ball, Pecks-out-eyes thought. It's sure going to be funnnn-naaaaaaayy.
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Oh happy day! I have finished another chapter! I hope you liked it. now press the button and tell me if you thought it was funny!
Oh, and Kel, Neal, and Daine are NOT the only ones that this will be about . . . I have plans for the others . . . *cackles to herself* oh yes . . . big plans . . .
Right then. More coming soon! Feel free to IM or email me: it's punkpenguin16@aol.com, so it's punkpenguin16 for an AIM name. Toodles; we'll do lunch!