"Several minutes later, Thaddeus's limousine pulled up to his small cozy house."
*************
"Max, you know very well that I live in a flat, and I don't have a limousine!"
"You don't?" asked Smart in genuine surprise, an adorable, innocent, puppylike expression on his
face. He reached for a pen and scratched it out of his story.
And I thought he was going to repeat that there was no truth to this story, thought Chief in
annoyance.
"Now where was I?" Max inquired, gazing at the manuscript in his hands. "Ah, yes, the
limousine:
"Thaddeus alighted and walked up the steps with a dignified air, thanking the fates that he was
independent this holiday season, free from her . . .
"Just then, the lion face on his knocker transmogrified horribly to reveal the countenance of the
former cybernaut. 'Thaddeus!' the apparition of Hymie whispered hoarsely before vanishing.
**************
"Max, may I offer some constructive criticism?" asked the Chief.
"Sure."
"In order to make this story realistic," he started, "you would have Hymie call me 'Chief,' not
'Thaddeus.' No one calls me that anyway."
"Oh, very well," conceded Smart, scratching the new word in, "but saying 'Chief' loses some of
the dramatic effect!"
Thaddeus, rubbed his forehead wearily as Agent 86 continued:
"'Chief!' the apparition of Hymie whispered hoarsely before vanishing.
"To say that the Chief was not startled would be untrue. In fact, he was petrified. But he showed
no outward sign of it and entered the house as always, being careful to shut the door behind him
and bolt it tightly. He ascended the stairs cautiously without even bothering to turn on a light.
Darkness is cheap, and Thaddeus liked it. He padded down the short hallway to his room and
retired therein, fighting desperately to shake the memory of the apparition but to know avail. Even
murmuring, 'Bah! Humbug!' didn't seem to ease his troubled nerves.
"He was just about to settle down before the heater in his room when suddenly his door flew open
and a voice said, 'Anyone call for a disassembled robot?'
****************
"Max!" protested Chief. "Hymie would never be that cheeky to me. He is a polite and
respectable cybernaut."
"Well that's what *I* would've said if I were him," retorted Agent Smart.
"But you're not him," the Chief pointed out.
"'He,'" corrected 99 as she reentered the room with the sleeping babies in tow.
"He who?" asked Maxwell in confusion.
"'That's what I would've said if I were he.' The proper pronoun is 'he.'"
Max rolled his eyes. "99, you're ruining the story!"
"But you weren't reading the story," his wife protested smugly.
"Well, I am now!" he whispered tersely, so as not to wake the twins:
"The Chief nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned to behold Hymie in the flesh, well
not really. In the bolts, I guess. He looked just as the day he was destroyed, wearing a white
hospital gown.
**************
"A what?!" exclaimed Chief disbelievingly. Max was about to open his mouth and say
something stupid when his boss stopped him. "No, I know, I know, you're doing it for dramatic
effect," he parroted sulkily.
Max nodded his head superiorly and read:
"'What do you want?' Thaddeus asked nervously.
"Well, your flat is filthy for one thing,' Hymie complained. A feather-duster appeared out of thin
air and he proceeded to use it on the dirty furniture in the room.
"Not satisfied by that answer, Chief challenged rather lamely, 'Who are you?'
"'In operation, I was CONTROL's cybernaut, Hymie, but you don't believe that, do you?'
"'Of course I don't!' retorted Thaddeus matter-of-factly. 'You've been incinerated! Any fool
knows that!'
"'Well, would you believe . . ?'" Max read from the paper. Then, after getting several
reprimanding glances from Chief, he shook his head and scratched it out."'What has that got to
do with it?' demanded Hymie, causing the duster to vanish. 'What if I am dead? I'm still here,
that doesn't change that.'
"'I don't believe in ghosts,' said Chief weakly, nearly choking on the words.
"'I am not a ghost,' said Hymie indignantly as he turned to leave. 'I was never alive to begin with,
so why should it surprise you that I was put back together?'
"'I melted you down into ore, that's why!'
*****************
"Max, you can't melt something, *into* ore! Ore is dug up out of the ground! It is an
impure form of a given metal!"
"Well, excuse me!" retorted Max as he put his pencil into action once more to correct his
misdeed.
"'I melted you down into molten metal, that's why!'
"'Well, there is that,' admitted the robot, 'but if you don't believe me, I'll just leave.'
Hymie hung his head and trudged toward the door.
"He looked so hurt that Thaddeus had pity on him. 'Wait!' he called, 'I do believe you!'
"Hymie turned back toward his former boss. "Really? Oh, thank you!" He gave the Chief the
closest thing to a hug that a piece of machinery could and-"
*************
"I really don't think that Hymie would hug me," Chief interrupted once again, slightly
more than dubiously. "After all, as yet, robots are incapable of human emotions.
"Well, strange things happen to those who return from the Great Beyond," Max interjected
smugly.
"Oh, Max, I didn't know you believed in the After Life," said 99 in surprise.
"Well, now you do," he returned jovially.
"But even if there is an after life," protested their boss, leaning forward at his desk, "I highly
doubt that any cybernauts will be there."
"There you go, bringing Hymie's religion into it again!" said Max angrily. "Maybe robots will go
to the *Robot* Great Beyond."
Chief and 99 rolled their eyes for what seemed the umpteenth time that evening.
"Hymie gave the Chief the closest thing to a hug that a piece of machinery could and then
continued. 'Now hear me: my time is nearly gone. I came to tell you that you will be visited by
Three Annoying Visions of Agents-" *Oh, goodie,* Chief thought in annoyance. "-to knock some
sense into your thick skull and show you the true meaning of the Season!'
"'I think I'd rather not,' said Thaddeus meekly, rubbing his temples to hold back the headache
that was forming. He had enough trouble with the real Max without having a nightmare about
him.
"'Sorry about this, Chief!' shouted Hymie as he vanished.
***********
"MAX!"
"Sorry about that, Chief," Max apologized as he erased his own catchphrase from the narrative.
"Gee, if you're going to be so mean and critical about my story, maybe you don't want to hear
the rest of it." He stuffed the manuscript into his jacket and motioned to his family. "Come on,
99," he said coldly, "let's go."
As the Smarts exited the building and stepped out onto the light dusting of snow, 99 said quietly,
"I think you were a bit hard on Chief." She bundled her babies tighter in their blankets, trying to
shield their tender, pink faces from the bitter winter wind. "I think something besides his bonus is
really bothering him, and although you're trying to be helpful, you're only making it worse."
"*I* was a bit hard on *Chief!*" scoffed her husband in disbelief. "What about him, ripping my
story apart, the story that I worked very hard on!"
"Max, you wrote it in one night," 99 gently reminded him as they reached his gold convertible.
"Well, I was up ALL night, 99," he said in his own defense, "and I was only reading it to him out
of the kindness of my heart, trying to make him feel more Christmas-y." He entered his car, the air
of a martyr about him.
"Max, you don't seem to know what the whole point of giving is at all," his wife scolded him as
she secured the twins in her lap. "When you give a gift to someone, it is theirs. The giver should
no longer be able to dictate what the recipient does with it. If that is the case, then it is not really a
gift at all is it? A true present should have no strings attached."
"I suppose," grumbled Agent Smart in assent, though he always hated to admit when he was
wrong. But 99 wasn't the type to rub your mistakes in your face after you apologized for them.
She just wasn't that kind of person. She was beautiful and lovely and kind, everything he'd always
dreamed of without realizing it. He leaned over and kissed her, an inexplicable sense of happiness
surrounding him. "Listen," he said softly, "What say I drop you and the children off at home so
you can eat and then I'll come back and finish the story with Chief if he's still here?"
"That's the man I love," 99 whispered as she kissed him back, being careful not to crush the
twins.
The ride home was very silent. 99 and Max were too busy taking in the wonder of the season.
True, the occasional snowflake that drifted by the window was not the trite flurry of snow that
always seemed to blanket the world on Christmas in movies, but it isn't snow that makes the
season, anyway, is it? It is the feeling of peace on earth and goodwill towards men that causes
holly to sprout in the hearts of both young and old at this time of year. Maxwell Smart dropped
his wife and children off at his flat after giving them each a Christmas Eve kiss goodnight.
"The mistletoe and I will be waiting," 99 murmured seductively as she closed the door to their
apartment.
Max held the door open long enough to reply, "Good, because there's plenty more where that
came from." They made goo-goo eyes at each other for a long moment before Max headed back
to CONTROL.
TBC . . .
*************
"Max, you know very well that I live in a flat, and I don't have a limousine!"
"You don't?" asked Smart in genuine surprise, an adorable, innocent, puppylike expression on his
face. He reached for a pen and scratched it out of his story.
And I thought he was going to repeat that there was no truth to this story, thought Chief in
annoyance.
"Now where was I?" Max inquired, gazing at the manuscript in his hands. "Ah, yes, the
limousine:
"Thaddeus alighted and walked up the steps with a dignified air, thanking the fates that he was
independent this holiday season, free from her . . .
"Just then, the lion face on his knocker transmogrified horribly to reveal the countenance of the
former cybernaut. 'Thaddeus!' the apparition of Hymie whispered hoarsely before vanishing.
**************
"Max, may I offer some constructive criticism?" asked the Chief.
"Sure."
"In order to make this story realistic," he started, "you would have Hymie call me 'Chief,' not
'Thaddeus.' No one calls me that anyway."
"Oh, very well," conceded Smart, scratching the new word in, "but saying 'Chief' loses some of
the dramatic effect!"
Thaddeus, rubbed his forehead wearily as Agent 86 continued:
"'Chief!' the apparition of Hymie whispered hoarsely before vanishing.
"To say that the Chief was not startled would be untrue. In fact, he was petrified. But he showed
no outward sign of it and entered the house as always, being careful to shut the door behind him
and bolt it tightly. He ascended the stairs cautiously without even bothering to turn on a light.
Darkness is cheap, and Thaddeus liked it. He padded down the short hallway to his room and
retired therein, fighting desperately to shake the memory of the apparition but to know avail. Even
murmuring, 'Bah! Humbug!' didn't seem to ease his troubled nerves.
"He was just about to settle down before the heater in his room when suddenly his door flew open
and a voice said, 'Anyone call for a disassembled robot?'
****************
"Max!" protested Chief. "Hymie would never be that cheeky to me. He is a polite and
respectable cybernaut."
"Well that's what *I* would've said if I were him," retorted Agent Smart.
"But you're not him," the Chief pointed out.
"'He,'" corrected 99 as she reentered the room with the sleeping babies in tow.
"He who?" asked Maxwell in confusion.
"'That's what I would've said if I were he.' The proper pronoun is 'he.'"
Max rolled his eyes. "99, you're ruining the story!"
"But you weren't reading the story," his wife protested smugly.
"Well, I am now!" he whispered tersely, so as not to wake the twins:
"The Chief nearly jumped out of his skin as he turned to behold Hymie in the flesh, well
not really. In the bolts, I guess. He looked just as the day he was destroyed, wearing a white
hospital gown.
**************
"A what?!" exclaimed Chief disbelievingly. Max was about to open his mouth and say
something stupid when his boss stopped him. "No, I know, I know, you're doing it for dramatic
effect," he parroted sulkily.
Max nodded his head superiorly and read:
"'What do you want?' Thaddeus asked nervously.
"Well, your flat is filthy for one thing,' Hymie complained. A feather-duster appeared out of thin
air and he proceeded to use it on the dirty furniture in the room.
"Not satisfied by that answer, Chief challenged rather lamely, 'Who are you?'
"'In operation, I was CONTROL's cybernaut, Hymie, but you don't believe that, do you?'
"'Of course I don't!' retorted Thaddeus matter-of-factly. 'You've been incinerated! Any fool
knows that!'
"'Well, would you believe . . ?'" Max read from the paper. Then, after getting several
reprimanding glances from Chief, he shook his head and scratched it out."'What has that got to
do with it?' demanded Hymie, causing the duster to vanish. 'What if I am dead? I'm still here,
that doesn't change that.'
"'I don't believe in ghosts,' said Chief weakly, nearly choking on the words.
"'I am not a ghost,' said Hymie indignantly as he turned to leave. 'I was never alive to begin with,
so why should it surprise you that I was put back together?'
"'I melted you down into ore, that's why!'
*****************
"Max, you can't melt something, *into* ore! Ore is dug up out of the ground! It is an
impure form of a given metal!"
"Well, excuse me!" retorted Max as he put his pencil into action once more to correct his
misdeed.
"'I melted you down into molten metal, that's why!'
"'Well, there is that,' admitted the robot, 'but if you don't believe me, I'll just leave.'
Hymie hung his head and trudged toward the door.
"He looked so hurt that Thaddeus had pity on him. 'Wait!' he called, 'I do believe you!'
"Hymie turned back toward his former boss. "Really? Oh, thank you!" He gave the Chief the
closest thing to a hug that a piece of machinery could and-"
*************
"I really don't think that Hymie would hug me," Chief interrupted once again, slightly
more than dubiously. "After all, as yet, robots are incapable of human emotions.
"Well, strange things happen to those who return from the Great Beyond," Max interjected
smugly.
"Oh, Max, I didn't know you believed in the After Life," said 99 in surprise.
"Well, now you do," he returned jovially.
"But even if there is an after life," protested their boss, leaning forward at his desk, "I highly
doubt that any cybernauts will be there."
"There you go, bringing Hymie's religion into it again!" said Max angrily. "Maybe robots will go
to the *Robot* Great Beyond."
Chief and 99 rolled their eyes for what seemed the umpteenth time that evening.
"Hymie gave the Chief the closest thing to a hug that a piece of machinery could and then
continued. 'Now hear me: my time is nearly gone. I came to tell you that you will be visited by
Three Annoying Visions of Agents-" *Oh, goodie,* Chief thought in annoyance. "-to knock some
sense into your thick skull and show you the true meaning of the Season!'
"'I think I'd rather not,' said Thaddeus meekly, rubbing his temples to hold back the headache
that was forming. He had enough trouble with the real Max without having a nightmare about
him.
"'Sorry about this, Chief!' shouted Hymie as he vanished.
***********
"MAX!"
"Sorry about that, Chief," Max apologized as he erased his own catchphrase from the narrative.
"Gee, if you're going to be so mean and critical about my story, maybe you don't want to hear
the rest of it." He stuffed the manuscript into his jacket and motioned to his family. "Come on,
99," he said coldly, "let's go."
As the Smarts exited the building and stepped out onto the light dusting of snow, 99 said quietly,
"I think you were a bit hard on Chief." She bundled her babies tighter in their blankets, trying to
shield their tender, pink faces from the bitter winter wind. "I think something besides his bonus is
really bothering him, and although you're trying to be helpful, you're only making it worse."
"*I* was a bit hard on *Chief!*" scoffed her husband in disbelief. "What about him, ripping my
story apart, the story that I worked very hard on!"
"Max, you wrote it in one night," 99 gently reminded him as they reached his gold convertible.
"Well, I was up ALL night, 99," he said in his own defense, "and I was only reading it to him out
of the kindness of my heart, trying to make him feel more Christmas-y." He entered his car, the air
of a martyr about him.
"Max, you don't seem to know what the whole point of giving is at all," his wife scolded him as
she secured the twins in her lap. "When you give a gift to someone, it is theirs. The giver should
no longer be able to dictate what the recipient does with it. If that is the case, then it is not really a
gift at all is it? A true present should have no strings attached."
"I suppose," grumbled Agent Smart in assent, though he always hated to admit when he was
wrong. But 99 wasn't the type to rub your mistakes in your face after you apologized for them.
She just wasn't that kind of person. She was beautiful and lovely and kind, everything he'd always
dreamed of without realizing it. He leaned over and kissed her, an inexplicable sense of happiness
surrounding him. "Listen," he said softly, "What say I drop you and the children off at home so
you can eat and then I'll come back and finish the story with Chief if he's still here?"
"That's the man I love," 99 whispered as she kissed him back, being careful not to crush the
twins.
The ride home was very silent. 99 and Max were too busy taking in the wonder of the season.
True, the occasional snowflake that drifted by the window was not the trite flurry of snow that
always seemed to blanket the world on Christmas in movies, but it isn't snow that makes the
season, anyway, is it? It is the feeling of peace on earth and goodwill towards men that causes
holly to sprout in the hearts of both young and old at this time of year. Maxwell Smart dropped
his wife and children off at his flat after giving them each a Christmas Eve kiss goodnight.
"The mistletoe and I will be waiting," 99 murmured seductively as she closed the door to their
apartment.
Max held the door open long enough to reply, "Good, because there's plenty more where that
came from." They made goo-goo eyes at each other for a long moment before Max headed back
to CONTROL.
TBC . . .