Chapter 3: Budwieser and Books
The next day the sun shone brightly through the window. Normally this would cheer anybody up and make them happy about facing a new day. Everybody except those who had over indulged in the fire water the night before and now had a four alarm hangover. Shinji Ikari was one of these people. The sun pierced his eyelids like an arrow, traveled up his optic nerve and started pounding on his brain, like a punk rocker at a heavy metal thrash concert. He moaned and rolled over. Right onto a sleeping Pen Pen who had found the sleeping kid to be an excellent source of heat. The penguin warked and flapped it's wings and kicked with it's feet. Shinji got off and rose to all fours. He carefully shook his head, he smelled something, it was him. He smelled like a penguins litterbox. / Morning how do you feel? / ^ How am I supposed to feel jerk. You get drunk then I get the pain. I feel like Happosai just used me for a punching bag. ^ (note remember Shinji and Ranma are of one brain so their memories and thoughts are shared just their conciousnesses are separate.) / Really sorry about that but you know I never back down from a challenge. So did I win? / ^ No, you kissed her then passed out. ^ Alarm bells started going off in Ranma's mind he couldn't remember kissing her or anything past beer 12. / Really? / ^ Yeah really. ^ / Shinji / ^ Yeah ^ / I think you'd better go take a shower, it'll help with your hangover plus I think the penguin pissed on you last night. / Shinji mentally nodded his approval then slowly crawled to the shower room. He was crawling so he didn't notice the 'Do not enter occupied' sign on the door. A wet naked Misato watched as the door opened and Shinji crawled in on all fours then stripped on the floor and continued to crawl into the shower. She watched as he tried to reach the knobs to turn the water on. She reached in and cranked the cold water tap all of the way. "Yahhhhhhhhhhhhh" Screamed Ranma as the curse took effect and she bolted upright. "That was for last night you pervert." Misato said as she finished drying herself off and walked out of the room. Shinji finished his shower but found that Misato had taken the only towel. ^ Damn. Ranma you owe me one from last night. You're walking out there. ^ He stepped back into the shower and turned the cold water tap just slightly. A wet naked Ranma walked out of the shower room right passed a staring Misato and into his and Shinji's room. + I had no idea she was so well built. + She looked down at herself then at the mental picture of Ranma walking. + Damn. + Ranma walked out of the room dressed in Shinji's biggest clothes, which were still quite tight up top and she had foregone doing up most of the buttons on the shirt rather than popping them off. After changing back, Shinji finished dressing and sat down at the table, his stomach still turned slightly at the thought of eating but he forced himself to anyway. "So Shinji are you ready for your first day of school?" "School? I don't understand." "Well as a Nerv officer you have to finish school, those are your orders." "When did I become a Nerv officer? I don't remember signing on." "The moment you stepped into unit 1 you became a Nerv officer." "If I'm an officer where's my pass card or some other type of identification?" Misato reached under the table and produced a small package. She opened it and produced a card with Shinji's picture on it and handed it to him. "This is your identification card it will allow you to get into Central Dogma so you can get to you Eva if we need you." She rummaged around some more and produced a cellular phone and handed it to him. "This will allow us to get ahold of you if we need to." She produced a small thin red plastic package. "Here are you orders incase you can't reach headquarters and don't know what to do." She pulled out a nifty hat with the Nerv symbol on it. "And here's your nifty hat." ^ This is lame I save all humanity and all I get is this stupid hat. ^ / Well Shinji it is a job in the military so I would suspect that they would have to pay you or something. Ask her. / "So Misato," he narrowed his eyes at her "are there any other fringe benefits like say me getting paid?" "Eheheh I guess so, how does 25 000 yen per mission sound plus 500 an hour when your working on the base." "Sounds good, but I'm going to need some more stuff from you." It was now Misato's turn to narrow her eyes. "Like what?" "Well I was thinking that if I'm halfway across the city and you need me I'm not going to just hop on a bus or call a taxi you know. I need a sweet ride." "Huh?" "A vehicle of some sorts, I was thinking motorcycle, say 2013 Harley Davidson, lowrider, shovelhead, handle bars up to here." Indicating level of handlebars. Misato's eye twitched "I I'll have to take that up with commander Ikari." "Thanks Misato." Shinji said as he got up and left the table. "I guess I'll be going to school now." He grabbed his book bag and ran out the door. Misato looked at her watch and screamed as she ran out the door. She was going to be late for work. Shinji was running along the ground when all of a sudden.
ATTACK OF THE EVIL OLD SIDEWALK WASHER WOMAN
/ Well I guess we need to find some hot water, there should be some at the school. / ^ Great just great my first day at school and I'm going to be late. ^ / Hey you've got it easy, if I move too much this shirt's going to explode and won't that just suck. I may not have any female modesty but being thrown into jail for indecent exposure would just make my day, last time some sexually depraved woman wanted me to be her bitch. I had to convince her otherwise./ Shinji stifled a laugh, as they reached the gates of New Furinken High School. Instead of leaping over the fence and risking an indecent exposure lawsuit he decided to go in through the front gate. He looked around, it was an almost perfect replica of the original Furinken except the damage was slightly greater. He was looking around when he spotted a bokken wielding boy approximately his (biological) age approaching. "Halt fair pigtailed mistress, I Kaechi Kuno, do hereby challenge you. If I defeat thee, thou shalt date with me," / Who let Kuno breed? Better yet who would sleep with Kuno? / " For 1000 yen I shall spare thee my wrath and you shall date with me." / Nabiki? / Kuno charged. / I've got no time for this. / Ranma not wanting to start popping buttons on Shinji's shirt put her hands together. A glowing sphere of chi started to form. "Mouko Takabisha" One charred Kuno to go. Ranma continued walking to the school not noticing a pigtailed girl fuming on the sidelines. She got up and followed. Ranma had found a back room with a sink and hot running water. Ranko opened the door a crack so she could see what was happening. She saw the girl change into a wimpy looking boy. She closed the door and ran around the corner so she wouldn't be caught. Shinji walked out and off to class. + The Mouko Takabisha is my move how dare he. Well he is cursed, so life can't be easy on him. Hmm now that I think about it put on a bit of muscle and he'd be pretty good looking. + She put this thought out of her head as she too rushed off to class. "Good morning class we have a new student here at NFH his name is Shinji Ikari, lets all give him a good welcome, but this still does not excuse the fact that he was late. Now go stand in the hall." ^ How could you do this day after day? ^ / Oh come on Shinji it's only one bucket. It's not that bad. / ^ But it's heavy! ^ / But it's only half full! Shinji are you really that weak? / ^ And what if I am! ^ / Woah didn't mean to hit a sore spot. If you want I could train you. Get you all buff for the ladies. I think that one in the corner was looking at you. / ^ You really mean it? You'll help me. ^ / Sure it's not like I've got anything better to do, like hit on Misato. / Shinji laughed out loud, which earned him another five minutes in the hall. When he got back he found two messages on his computer the first was a question from a guy named Kensuke asking him if he was the new Eva pilot. Shinji decided to respond to this one as 'No comment' since he knew that the truth would get him into trouble. He looked back and noticed the perplexed look on Kensuke's face. Looking at the second e-mail ' Meet me behind the gym after school, be prepared to fight, this is a challenge. Ranko' ^ She wants to fight me? Why? ^ / I have no idea but you can't refuse. See if you can trace the seat number so we can see what she looks like. / ^ No luck it was triple encrypted and a binary trace path scrambler was enabled, it's untraceable. ^ / Can you at least hack into the system to find out anything about her? Let's face it you're going to need all the advantages you can get. / ^ I am NOT going to hack into anything. ^ / Alright but if she mops the floor with you don't come crying to me. / ^ If she 'mops the floor with me' you'll be crying too, the great Ranma Saotome beaten by a 14 year old girl. ^ / But it won't be me. It'll be you. / ^ I am you remember we are of one body, so if I'm going down you are too. ^ / That's not fair. / ^ All we can hope for is that I'm able to get control of your abilities in time to prevent our collective selves from getting killed. ^ / And that she doesn't find out about the curse. / ^ Damn I hope she doesn't know about that AND that she never finds out, I'm not good at water dodging, ^ looking down at his shirt ^ besides I don't think my shirt'd be able to take another transformation. ^ / Yeah that's just what we'd need I don't think that these Jr. Highers would be able to withstand the full force of me tearing this shirt to shreds. / An image of the entire male population keeling over with bleeding noses ran through Shinji's brain. The thought of this led Shinji to laugh. Problem was he laughed out loud. After a few minutes of trying to BS his way out of a detention he managed to convince the teacher that it was just a funny joke that he just got. It seemed to work. The rest of the school day went pretty much as usual, some old guy droning on about the Second Impact and how it changed society. Shinji fell asleep leaving Ranma to face the horrors of the endless boring class. By the time school was over Ranma was pretty tired if not more enlightened. (He died 4 years before second impact, so he's got a lot of history to catch up on.) / Man things've changed a lot since I was alive. I had no idea the Spice Girls teamed up with Barney to take control of the Eastern United States after impact. /
^ Yeah most of the eastern US was under water so there wasn't much resistance. Well here we are the back of the gym. ^ / And there she is. Strange she looks kinda like me except much less developed and her hair's blue. I wonder what her family name is. Shinji see if you can get her name. / ^ What are you going to hit on her too? ^ Shinji flashed the scene of Ranma kissing Misato. Ranma cringed. / No I'd just like to know who we're fighting. So I really did kiss Misato then. / ^ Yup, wait she's saying something. ^ "Shinji you jerk you stole my move, and for that you must pay. Dieeeee" She rushed at him and aimed a devastating jump kick to his jaw. Shinji spun around and landed a quick reverse kick to the back of her head as she passed him. She was phased but not daunted. She launched a barrage of other attacks, various kicks and spinning punches none of which connected. She was getting frustrated. "Alright that's it, Mouko Takabisha!" The energy burst washed over his body but had no effect. Ranma had told him in time the secret, 'let go of all of your emotions and the Takabisha can't hurt you.' It had worked. Ranko stood there confused. Nothing should be standing after that. She'd put all of her confidence into that one blast, and Shinji just stood there, not a scratch on him. "Wha, Wh, How'd you do that?" "That's it I've had enough, now will you tell me your name and WHY you are trying to kick the shit out of me please." Dazed but still mostly in control of her thoughts, she decided to take a break from the mayhem to think of a new plan. "Alright. My name is Ranko, Ranko Saotome of the Saotome school of martial arts, and the Mouko Takabisha is my move and you stole it." Suddenly a wave of depression and confusion overtook Shinji. The source of which was Ranma. / There's no way she could be a Saotome, I was the last male heir and I died. / Seeing that Shinji seemed stunned, Ranko saw her opportunity and took it. She charged with the plan on leveling him with one finishing blow. She slowed down suddenly around ten feet from target when she noticed that he was glowing green and blue. She suddenly remembered the move, it was her fathers but he hadn't been depressed enough to do it in years. Her eyes widened and she tried to avoid being hit by the blast but she couldn't move fast enough. "Shi Shi Hokoudan!" Shinji yelled as a blue green chi blast shot forth from his outstreched hands. Ranko lay on the ground slightly singed and unconscious. / She can't be a Saotome, she just can't be. / ^ Why not? Maybe your dad got back together with your mom and had another kid, in which case she would be your sister. ^ / Not likely mom would have rather killed pop rather than sleep with him, but if her name is Saotome that just has to be it. Great we just beat up my sister. / Suddenly the air raid sirens went off signaling an Angel attack. Shinji hung his head. ^ I really don't want to do that again. ^ / Don't worry you know how to walk now, and besides / indicating Ranko / you seem to be able to fight pretty good as it is if you can beat up so thoroughly on my poor defenseless little sister. / ^ Ranma if you are any example NO Saotome is poor or defenseless. ^ Shinji started roof hopping since it was the fastest way to get to Nerv. From the shadows Kaechi was watching plotting revenge on the evil Shinji Ikari for hurting his precious Ranko, and also how to win the favor of that dashing older girl that beat him this morning. + Ah fair beauty how sweet is thine name. Ha ha they shall both be mine. For I am the Great Thunder of New Furinken High. + And the thunder rolls
The next day the sun shone brightly through the window. Normally this would cheer anybody up and make them happy about facing a new day. Everybody except those who had over indulged in the fire water the night before and now had a four alarm hangover. Shinji Ikari was one of these people. The sun pierced his eyelids like an arrow, traveled up his optic nerve and started pounding on his brain, like a punk rocker at a heavy metal thrash concert. He moaned and rolled over. Right onto a sleeping Pen Pen who had found the sleeping kid to be an excellent source of heat. The penguin warked and flapped it's wings and kicked with it's feet. Shinji got off and rose to all fours. He carefully shook his head, he smelled something, it was him. He smelled like a penguins litterbox. / Morning how do you feel? / ^ How am I supposed to feel jerk. You get drunk then I get the pain. I feel like Happosai just used me for a punching bag. ^ (note remember Shinji and Ranma are of one brain so their memories and thoughts are shared just their conciousnesses are separate.) / Really sorry about that but you know I never back down from a challenge. So did I win? / ^ No, you kissed her then passed out. ^ Alarm bells started going off in Ranma's mind he couldn't remember kissing her or anything past beer 12. / Really? / ^ Yeah really. ^ / Shinji / ^ Yeah ^ / I think you'd better go take a shower, it'll help with your hangover plus I think the penguin pissed on you last night. / Shinji mentally nodded his approval then slowly crawled to the shower room. He was crawling so he didn't notice the 'Do not enter occupied' sign on the door. A wet naked Misato watched as the door opened and Shinji crawled in on all fours then stripped on the floor and continued to crawl into the shower. She watched as he tried to reach the knobs to turn the water on. She reached in and cranked the cold water tap all of the way. "Yahhhhhhhhhhhhh" Screamed Ranma as the curse took effect and she bolted upright. "That was for last night you pervert." Misato said as she finished drying herself off and walked out of the room. Shinji finished his shower but found that Misato had taken the only towel. ^ Damn. Ranma you owe me one from last night. You're walking out there. ^ He stepped back into the shower and turned the cold water tap just slightly. A wet naked Ranma walked out of the shower room right passed a staring Misato and into his and Shinji's room. + I had no idea she was so well built. + She looked down at herself then at the mental picture of Ranma walking. + Damn. + Ranma walked out of the room dressed in Shinji's biggest clothes, which were still quite tight up top and she had foregone doing up most of the buttons on the shirt rather than popping them off. After changing back, Shinji finished dressing and sat down at the table, his stomach still turned slightly at the thought of eating but he forced himself to anyway. "So Shinji are you ready for your first day of school?" "School? I don't understand." "Well as a Nerv officer you have to finish school, those are your orders." "When did I become a Nerv officer? I don't remember signing on." "The moment you stepped into unit 1 you became a Nerv officer." "If I'm an officer where's my pass card or some other type of identification?" Misato reached under the table and produced a small package. She opened it and produced a card with Shinji's picture on it and handed it to him. "This is your identification card it will allow you to get into Central Dogma so you can get to you Eva if we need you." She rummaged around some more and produced a cellular phone and handed it to him. "This will allow us to get ahold of you if we need to." She produced a small thin red plastic package. "Here are you orders incase you can't reach headquarters and don't know what to do." She pulled out a nifty hat with the Nerv symbol on it. "And here's your nifty hat." ^ This is lame I save all humanity and all I get is this stupid hat. ^ / Well Shinji it is a job in the military so I would suspect that they would have to pay you or something. Ask her. / "So Misato," he narrowed his eyes at her "are there any other fringe benefits like say me getting paid?" "Eheheh I guess so, how does 25 000 yen per mission sound plus 500 an hour when your working on the base." "Sounds good, but I'm going to need some more stuff from you." It was now Misato's turn to narrow her eyes. "Like what?" "Well I was thinking that if I'm halfway across the city and you need me I'm not going to just hop on a bus or call a taxi you know. I need a sweet ride." "Huh?" "A vehicle of some sorts, I was thinking motorcycle, say 2013 Harley Davidson, lowrider, shovelhead, handle bars up to here." Indicating level of handlebars. Misato's eye twitched "I I'll have to take that up with commander Ikari." "Thanks Misato." Shinji said as he got up and left the table. "I guess I'll be going to school now." He grabbed his book bag and ran out the door. Misato looked at her watch and screamed as she ran out the door. She was going to be late for work. Shinji was running along the ground when all of a sudden.
ATTACK OF THE EVIL OLD SIDEWALK WASHER WOMAN
/ Well I guess we need to find some hot water, there should be some at the school. / ^ Great just great my first day at school and I'm going to be late. ^ / Hey you've got it easy, if I move too much this shirt's going to explode and won't that just suck. I may not have any female modesty but being thrown into jail for indecent exposure would just make my day, last time some sexually depraved woman wanted me to be her bitch. I had to convince her otherwise./ Shinji stifled a laugh, as they reached the gates of New Furinken High School. Instead of leaping over the fence and risking an indecent exposure lawsuit he decided to go in through the front gate. He looked around, it was an almost perfect replica of the original Furinken except the damage was slightly greater. He was looking around when he spotted a bokken wielding boy approximately his (biological) age approaching. "Halt fair pigtailed mistress, I Kaechi Kuno, do hereby challenge you. If I defeat thee, thou shalt date with me," / Who let Kuno breed? Better yet who would sleep with Kuno? / " For 1000 yen I shall spare thee my wrath and you shall date with me." / Nabiki? / Kuno charged. / I've got no time for this. / Ranma not wanting to start popping buttons on Shinji's shirt put her hands together. A glowing sphere of chi started to form. "Mouko Takabisha" One charred Kuno to go. Ranma continued walking to the school not noticing a pigtailed girl fuming on the sidelines. She got up and followed. Ranma had found a back room with a sink and hot running water. Ranko opened the door a crack so she could see what was happening. She saw the girl change into a wimpy looking boy. She closed the door and ran around the corner so she wouldn't be caught. Shinji walked out and off to class. + The Mouko Takabisha is my move how dare he. Well he is cursed, so life can't be easy on him. Hmm now that I think about it put on a bit of muscle and he'd be pretty good looking. + She put this thought out of her head as she too rushed off to class. "Good morning class we have a new student here at NFH his name is Shinji Ikari, lets all give him a good welcome, but this still does not excuse the fact that he was late. Now go stand in the hall." ^ How could you do this day after day? ^ / Oh come on Shinji it's only one bucket. It's not that bad. / ^ But it's heavy! ^ / But it's only half full! Shinji are you really that weak? / ^ And what if I am! ^ / Woah didn't mean to hit a sore spot. If you want I could train you. Get you all buff for the ladies. I think that one in the corner was looking at you. / ^ You really mean it? You'll help me. ^ / Sure it's not like I've got anything better to do, like hit on Misato. / Shinji laughed out loud, which earned him another five minutes in the hall. When he got back he found two messages on his computer the first was a question from a guy named Kensuke asking him if he was the new Eva pilot. Shinji decided to respond to this one as 'No comment' since he knew that the truth would get him into trouble. He looked back and noticed the perplexed look on Kensuke's face. Looking at the second e-mail ' Meet me behind the gym after school, be prepared to fight, this is a challenge. Ranko' ^ She wants to fight me? Why? ^ / I have no idea but you can't refuse. See if you can trace the seat number so we can see what she looks like. / ^ No luck it was triple encrypted and a binary trace path scrambler was enabled, it's untraceable. ^ / Can you at least hack into the system to find out anything about her? Let's face it you're going to need all the advantages you can get. / ^ I am NOT going to hack into anything. ^ / Alright but if she mops the floor with you don't come crying to me. / ^ If she 'mops the floor with me' you'll be crying too, the great Ranma Saotome beaten by a 14 year old girl. ^ / But it won't be me. It'll be you. / ^ I am you remember we are of one body, so if I'm going down you are too. ^ / That's not fair. / ^ All we can hope for is that I'm able to get control of your abilities in time to prevent our collective selves from getting killed. ^ / And that she doesn't find out about the curse. / ^ Damn I hope she doesn't know about that AND that she never finds out, I'm not good at water dodging, ^ looking down at his shirt ^ besides I don't think my shirt'd be able to take another transformation. ^ / Yeah that's just what we'd need I don't think that these Jr. Highers would be able to withstand the full force of me tearing this shirt to shreds. / An image of the entire male population keeling over with bleeding noses ran through Shinji's brain. The thought of this led Shinji to laugh. Problem was he laughed out loud. After a few minutes of trying to BS his way out of a detention he managed to convince the teacher that it was just a funny joke that he just got. It seemed to work. The rest of the school day went pretty much as usual, some old guy droning on about the Second Impact and how it changed society. Shinji fell asleep leaving Ranma to face the horrors of the endless boring class. By the time school was over Ranma was pretty tired if not more enlightened. (He died 4 years before second impact, so he's got a lot of history to catch up on.) / Man things've changed a lot since I was alive. I had no idea the Spice Girls teamed up with Barney to take control of the Eastern United States after impact. /
^ Yeah most of the eastern US was under water so there wasn't much resistance. Well here we are the back of the gym. ^ / And there she is. Strange she looks kinda like me except much less developed and her hair's blue. I wonder what her family name is. Shinji see if you can get her name. / ^ What are you going to hit on her too? ^ Shinji flashed the scene of Ranma kissing Misato. Ranma cringed. / No I'd just like to know who we're fighting. So I really did kiss Misato then. / ^ Yup, wait she's saying something. ^ "Shinji you jerk you stole my move, and for that you must pay. Dieeeee" She rushed at him and aimed a devastating jump kick to his jaw. Shinji spun around and landed a quick reverse kick to the back of her head as she passed him. She was phased but not daunted. She launched a barrage of other attacks, various kicks and spinning punches none of which connected. She was getting frustrated. "Alright that's it, Mouko Takabisha!" The energy burst washed over his body but had no effect. Ranma had told him in time the secret, 'let go of all of your emotions and the Takabisha can't hurt you.' It had worked. Ranko stood there confused. Nothing should be standing after that. She'd put all of her confidence into that one blast, and Shinji just stood there, not a scratch on him. "Wha, Wh, How'd you do that?" "That's it I've had enough, now will you tell me your name and WHY you are trying to kick the shit out of me please." Dazed but still mostly in control of her thoughts, she decided to take a break from the mayhem to think of a new plan. "Alright. My name is Ranko, Ranko Saotome of the Saotome school of martial arts, and the Mouko Takabisha is my move and you stole it." Suddenly a wave of depression and confusion overtook Shinji. The source of which was Ranma. / There's no way she could be a Saotome, I was the last male heir and I died. / Seeing that Shinji seemed stunned, Ranko saw her opportunity and took it. She charged with the plan on leveling him with one finishing blow. She slowed down suddenly around ten feet from target when she noticed that he was glowing green and blue. She suddenly remembered the move, it was her fathers but he hadn't been depressed enough to do it in years. Her eyes widened and she tried to avoid being hit by the blast but she couldn't move fast enough. "Shi Shi Hokoudan!" Shinji yelled as a blue green chi blast shot forth from his outstreched hands. Ranko lay on the ground slightly singed and unconscious. / She can't be a Saotome, she just can't be. / ^ Why not? Maybe your dad got back together with your mom and had another kid, in which case she would be your sister. ^ / Not likely mom would have rather killed pop rather than sleep with him, but if her name is Saotome that just has to be it. Great we just beat up my sister. / Suddenly the air raid sirens went off signaling an Angel attack. Shinji hung his head. ^ I really don't want to do that again. ^ / Don't worry you know how to walk now, and besides / indicating Ranko / you seem to be able to fight pretty good as it is if you can beat up so thoroughly on my poor defenseless little sister. / ^ Ranma if you are any example NO Saotome is poor or defenseless. ^ Shinji started roof hopping since it was the fastest way to get to Nerv. From the shadows Kaechi was watching plotting revenge on the evil Shinji Ikari for hurting his precious Ranko, and also how to win the favor of that dashing older girl that beat him this morning. + Ah fair beauty how sweet is thine name. Ha ha they shall both be mine. For I am the Great Thunder of New Furinken High. + And the thunder rolls