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PATH to DARKNESS by Tyde
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Chapter Twenty Six – Swallow It
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It was when he was throwing out all the empty liquor bottles that it really hit him. He'd been a complete and utter fool. He'd let his emotions control his life. He'd been sobbing over someone who didn't even know that he cared, not really. This whole incident had turned him into a fluttering little girl and he hated it. He hated it even more than he hated Sirius Black if that was possible. He sat down on his couch and a cold expression over took his face. No emotions anymore Severus. See what they do to you? Make you weak, pathetic, a blubbering fool. Do not hand your life over to romantic tragedy. I think you know what you have to do.
Snape shuffled into his kitchen and quickly lit the fire under his potions cauldron. He grabbed bottles and containers out of the cupboard and set the ingredients up on the wooden bench in front of him. It would take a lot of different things to create just what it was that he needed. The potion grew steadily as he reached for the last few ingredients. Just a pinch of Mullein and a few spoonfuls of Hyssop solution ought to do it. He mixed it all with a large staff that he kept for just a purpose. It was bubbling away and he knew it had nothing to do with the fire beneath it. The mixture turned a sickly blackish-purple colour, the colour you might see if you cut open someone's stomach and pulled out their liver. It smelled as rotten as a tip full of garbage but he didn't care. Ladling a serving into his favourite goblet he pinched his nose closed and forced the potion down his throat. A warmth spread through his entire circulatory system and within minutes had been replaced by a feeling of coolness, like ice running through his veins. He found his heart no longer ached, his mind cleared of stupid thoughts of love and happiness. He sighed, not with happiness but a contentment that can only be achieved by bringing all your hatred to the surface. He'd made it very strong and wasn't sure if he'd need more. No one had ever made such a potion before, he had nothing to base it on. He poured the rest of the cauldron's contents into a large vat and stored it in the pantry.
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The big book of names was in an alcove off McGonagall's office and at the beginning of every school year the teachers and Headmaster would have a quick meeting discussing the numbers and class schedules. Minerva read the list of new students out, pointing out that the number of Muggleborns had increased from last year (Albus nodded his head with approval) and that several old wizarding families had sons and daughters joining Hogwarts that September. At the mention of Harry Potter's name Dumbledore looked out of the corner of his sparkling eyes at Severus and noticed the man's expression seemed as stony as it had the last few weeks. He took him aside after the meeting and spoke just a few words.
'Severus I know how you felt about James but if you could perhaps curb your blind hatred of Harry I would appreciate it' Albus was only half serious with the blind hatred comment but Snape just blinked as if he'd said something totally normal.
'Don't know what you're talking about Headmaster. This Potter is just another student isn't he?'
Dumbledore's face wrinkled with perplexity. 'Yes, he is. Are you alright Severus?' He couldn't find an answer for the bewildering behaviour his Potions master was exhibiting.
'Fit as a fiddle. Are you alright Albus? You look tired'
'I'm fine. Not as young as I once was, but fine all the...' he trailed off as Snape spun on his heel and stalked down the hall. The Headmaster's magically enhanced voice chased Snape down the hall and seemed to nudge him in the back of the neck. 'I hadn't finished Severus. Kindly turn around and make those legs of yours move in the direction of my study. I want to talk to you about something'.
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He couldn't believe Dumbledore had given the Defence Against the Dark Arts position to Quirrell. Quirrell, the stuttering fool he'd had the misfortune to be friends with in their first years at school. Just cause he'd gone on some sabbatical to further study the art didn't mean he was anymore qualified to teach it in Snape's opinion. 'I lived and breathed the bloody Dark Arts for years!' he'd ranted at the Headmaster but to no avail.
'Which is exactly why you're staying as Potions master Severus. Temptation can be a lethal thing. I trust you but I don't trust the thrall of the darkness. It might just grab you and not let go. What would bring you back from the brink this time?'
The words had stung. Snape always assumed that Albus didn't really think his reasons for coming back to the fold were at all noble. Sure save some bird he'd fallen for at school, but damn all others. Try as he might he couldn't seem to remember why it was that he'd been so infatuated with her in the first place. He smiled as he remembered the potion. 'Very effective Severus' he congratulated himself. 'You ought to bottle it, sell it off and make thousands of galleons from it. What broken-hearted wizard wouldn't want a quick fix? Something to instantly mend a heart that had seemed beyond repair.' His shadow crept along the walls towards his study with himself not far behind it. Perhaps I'll look into buying an apothecary, have a stock of some under the counter type concoctions. It'll get me out of this hell hole that's for sure. And away from all these exasperating little children that wouldn't know a bezoar if it struck them in the face.
'Chapparal' he growled at the giant serpent's head that blocked the entrance to his office. It jumped aside quickly and allowed him access. His blood was boiling and he wasn't sure if it was the potion wearing off or if the thought of Dumbledore not trusting him brought the ire to the surface. But he did say he trusted you. 'That's not the bloody point! I don't feel it!' he grumbled at the stone covered walls of his bathroom. With a flick of his wand the tub was filled with icy water and he stripped down - which took considerable time taking into account all his layers. He ripped his tunic-like shirt off with one hand, the ragged edges tickling his bare skin. The aggravation was growing within him, screaming to be let out. You could see it in the tense set of his shoulders, in the sharp curve of his neck. Snape revelled in the frosty temperature of the bath water and sank down into it gratefully.
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Out of all the years he had lived Severus Snape knew this year was going to be the hardest on him. For that was the year that Harry Potter started at Hogwarts. It was something that was liable to drive him to distraction. He was the son of his greatest enemy and yet he was also born of Lily, the love of his life who was now dead. He owed it to her memory to look out for the boy. Running his hands through his hair he sighed and looked out the window, all his thoughts swirling together and coming up with just one defining revelation.
The boy who lived would constantly remind him of the woman he had loved. And that was something that would slowly tear him apart. The feeling of white hot tears started to prickle at the corner of his eyes and he slammed his chair across the room angrily. 'I will not be made to suffer!' he screamed. 'Damn this'.
With a scowl decorating his face and frustration bubbling up inside of him Severus Snape stormed into his pantry and grabbed a cupful of the potion he'd made weeks ago. In just ten seconds his veins were filled with ice-coolness and he'd forgotten all about Lily Potter and any feelings he may have had. But it wasn't good enough. The power of seeing Lily's son every day at school would break down the potion and he'd never be able to make enough of it to make it all go away again. The screams of his victims echoed in his head on those dark and stormy nights. You know the ones, that always seemed to bring past sins to the surface in technicolour and surround sound. It was painful for him, so very painful, but he knew that he deserved it. Dumbledore could see it too, that the black sheep of his faculty was just barely scraping by but there was nothing he could do to help. Some memories and feelings just can't be erased and Severus Snape was going to keep discovering that...along with a mountain of pain.
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THE END - EXITUS
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Author's note: Wow. It's really ended. Hmmm. And Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is released in my neck of the woods today. Seems appropriate timely to post this then. Huge thanks need to go out to a bunch of websites and people, without whom I would not have been able to do this (geez I sound like I'm accepting an Oscar or something hehe).
The Harry Potter Lexicon – http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/index-2.html for providing that much needed info from the books so I didn't need to lug all four books around with me all the time and so my story could correlate with actual events in the books.
Latin Dictionary - http://www.nd.edu/~archives/latin.htm for all the incantations for the spells that I made up in the various chapters. And a lot of the people's names and stuff. For instance Narcissa's last name (before she was Malfoy of course) means bitch. Hehe.
Reference Guide for HERBS - http://www.realtime.net/anr/herbs.html for all the information it provided on herbs so the potions could sound vaguely plausible.
K-da-great (Kelly) – For being my very first reviewer. I'd posted a few chapters and I honestly thought that there was no one out there reading until you came along! I understand that a lot of people will read things and not review, but I'm a compulsive reviewer (unless it's really bad and then I don't review cause I don't like to flame) so I wanted everyone else to be like that too. And you kept reviewing too! Hey if you'd never reviewed I may never have come across your story, The Road Not Taken, and that would have been a great loss. It's faboo darling!
Arien (Carasiel) – You compulsive reviewer! Thank you, thank you, thank you! The mentions of publishing and goddess stuff will make me happy for at least a year! :o) My brother-in-law has the Lord of the Rings books, I'll have to borrow them from him and get down to some reading!
And to the other fabulous reviewers – CrinkleCutRuffles, bluemeanies, Emily, Dymphna, Sila-chan, Charmed Vampyre, Big Blank Space of No Name person, Colleen and Fish (the fish) – I love you all!
So that's it. The cat has left the basket. All over red rover. But I will return (actually I already have, I couldn't wait to post so I put it up on Wednesday). It's going to be a shortish story (five or so chapters). It's about Hermione and Ron. A little romance (although I suck at writing that). Good bye and thanks.