A/N: I was quite distraught at ff.n's failure. Luckily, it's back. All is well and good again.

Disclaimer: All characters and Harry Potter related items belong to the esteemed J.K. Rowling. Anything you don't recognise belongs to the esteemed me.

        "Ron! Oy, Ron!" Harry could clearly see the red hair towering above the crowd. Hermione was already fighting tooth and nail to get to him. Ron turned around, and grinned. It was an odd sort of grin, rather wobbly, as if he knew that something rather unpleasant was going to happen. No. Harry shook the feeling off. It was the same old grin. Harry was just feeling antsy about the test; that was all. After all, who wouldn't be slightly shaky when they would have to fight a demon the next day?

            Hermione ran up, throwing herself at Ron. Harry inwardly sighed and looked away. If this was how it was going to be, with snogging sessions every time he turned around, he was transferring to Beauxbatons. You would think that Hermione hadn't seen Ron for ten years, much less six weeks. He sat down at the table.

            "Oh Ron!" Hermione gushed. "You have no idea how much I've missed you!"

            Harry gagged.

            "I was so lonely."

            It sounds like something out of a romance novel, he thought.

            "I don't know what I would have done if you had been away a day more."

            You have got to be kidding me.

            Harry couldn't take it anymore. He put down his fork.

            "I've got to go," He said vaguely.

            "Harry," said Hermione, now sounding suddenly like her old self, not some helpless heroine in a romance novel. "Harry, you haven't eaten anything."

            "I'm not hungry, you know, I've got things to catch up on, demons to fight, that sort of thing," Harry said testily. "If you'll excuse me…" He stood up. If he was going to be completely ignored now that Hermione and Ron were going out, he'd rather be completely ignored alone in his room.

            "Oh…" Hermione said, "Very well, I'll come up and help you study later."

            "No need," said Harry shortly. "I'm sure you have a lot of catching up to do."

~**~

            "Hermione, did you have to go all Lavender Brown on me?"

            "Well, it got rid of him, didn't it? Lily and James didn't want him to know, and I couldn't have told you properly without him noticing and I would be acting all weird, wondering if he heard."

            "You were acting weird anyway."

            "Shut up, Ron."

            "I think you liked playing the helpless damsel in distress."

            "I think you liked me playing it. I thought it was sickening."

            "You liar."

            "It's perfectly true, and you know it. Besides, when am I ever a helpless damsel in distress?"

            "Never, which is why you liked it."

            "I think not. It was disgusting, like something out of those romance novels Ginny used to read."

            "She did?"

            "Never mind."

            "Still, Harry must have noticed something. Give the boy some credit, Hermione."

            "I don't think so. Harry can be incredibly dense sometimes."

~**~

            "Harry? Harry, are you in there?" Hermione knocked on Harry's dormitory door. No answer. She walked in. Harry sat alone at a desk, with a pile of books stacked to the side, all on demons. He had one in front of him. You could also almost see the steam coming out of his ears. Hermione walked over and picked up the book in front of Harry. It was upside down.

            "Need help studying?" she asked.

            "No, I'm doing perfectly well on my own, thank you."

            Hermione waved the copy of Scorched Chairs and Soulless Teddy Bears: A Guide to Demons in front of his face.

            "Harry, unless you can read upside down, I doubt very much you were studying."

            "I was," Harry said stubbornly, his chin set.

            "Fine. Why do demons suck the soul out of teddy bears when humans aren't available?" Hermione read.

            "They like small, furry, inanimate objects?"

            "Wrong. What's the name of the seventh predicent of Hell?"

            "The seventh predicent of Hell?"          
           

            "No." Hermione shut the book. "Harry, you weren't studying. Demons suck the soul out of teddy bears when humans aren't available because teddy bears are all charmed to have tiny, tiny, tiny bits of emotion. Rather like goldfish."

            "So every time Dudley ripped the head off a teddy bear, it felt something?"

            "Something small, yes."

            "So there really is a goldfish heaven?"

            "I wouldn't know."

            "Is it down the loo?"

            "Why would you think that?"

            "That's where Aunt Petunia put Dudley's dead goldfish, he always forgot to feed them. He was too busy feeding himself, you see."

            "That's rather ironic."

            "I suppose so." Harry flopped down on his bed.

            "Harry, why aren't you studying?"

            "I dunno."

            "You do have an exam tomorrow, you know."

            "So?"

            "HARRY POTTER!" Hermione finally shouted in exasperation. "What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like a petulant two year old?"

            "I'm an angst-ridden teenager, and I believe I'm am playing the part quite well.  What would you do if your two best friends went out with each other and started ignoring you?" Harry turned slightly red. "I didn't mean to say that out loud."

            Ah, thought Hermione. So that was the problem. She should have figured. Well, it was inevitable. She decided to play dumb.

            "I thought you were happy for Ron and I," she said, cocking her head slightly to the side.

            "I was happy. I mean, I am happy.  I was just absolutely spiffing until both of you began obsessing."
           

            "Harry." Hermione said sternly, tapping her foot. "I haven't seen him for six weeks."

            "Well Hermione, neither have I. Yet you don't see me throwing myself at him."

            "I should hope not. I can just see the headlines. Harry Potter: The Boy Who's Gay."

            Harry grinned. "No, I suppose not. I would hate to see what you would do to Rita Skeeter after those headlines. Probably spray her with a can of 'Off.'"

            "Or maybe follow her around with a fly-swatter." Hermione smiled too. "Good. Now, what is the name of the Seventh Predicent of Hell?"

~**~   

            The next morning, the entire group sat in a dull stupor at the Gryffindor table. Sirius kept attempting to eat porridge, but missed when it got to his mouth. Hermione finally roused herself enough to make a comment.

            "Harry, you've got to eat something."

            "Hermione, will you stop nagging?"

            "She's right Harry, you're going to fight a demon today. You've got to keep your strength up."

            "Mum! You're as bad as Hermione."

            "Well, I see Hermione eating just fine," said James, smirking in a way that was deliberately meant to provoke. He tried to put marmalade on his toast, but ended up with it all over his arms.

            "Hermione doesn't have to fight a demon." Harry pushed the bacon around with his fork.

            "Well, she will be in the room with you." James was still smirking, as he attempted to wipe the marmalade off.

            "What?!?"

            "It will be safer that way," said Lily firmly.

            "What do you mean, safer? I can do this on my own, it's much too dangerous for her. What if the demon sends her to Hell before I send it there?"

            "Harry, that's your petty little masculine ego talking," said Hermione. "I have no intention of playing the damsel in distress, waiting for her hero to finish off the big ugly monster. What if you get hurt? Who is going to haul you out of the room before the demon gets you? I'm in this to keep you alive until seventh year. I'm only doing my job."

            Harry grinned sheepishly. "That was rather thick of me to say, that was. Especially to Hermione."

            "Now that you've regained your senses," said Lily briskly, "You need to eat."

            "I'm not hungry."

            "Honestly," said Hermione finally, "He does this before every single Quiddtich game, the Triwizard tournament, You have to cram it down his throat."

            "Well, if that's what we have to do…" Sirius spoke up from out of the dull stupor he was in. He waved his porridge spoon in what he supposed was a threatening way. The gesture fell flat, somewhere between vaguely annoying and comical.

            "Fine." Harry shoved the bacon hastily into his mouth, and stood up. "Got to run, studying and all before the test," he said, and, with that, left the room at what could only be considered a run.

            "Well, that was easy," Sirius remarked. "I knew we could get him to eat if we went about it the right way."

~**~

            Harry stood outside the door of the room where the demon was contained, glowering. He had wracked his brains to find someway to prevent Hermione from going in, but, as usual, she got her way, by forcing logic into every argument he tried to use. Needless to say, all the arguments fell flat.

            "Harry, why are you so set against me not going in there with you?" She asked, walking up to stand next to him. "You never had any problems before."

            Harry considered this question. It had never occurred to him that it would be abnormal to prevent her from doing something dangerous. He finally arrived at the only answer that wouldn't sound too ludicrous.

            "Ron would kill me."

            "You two nearly killed each other last year," She pointed out sensibly. Annoyingly sensibly. "I don't understand why it would be such a large problem this year."

            Harry considered the question again, and decided to do the only sensible thing there was to do at the moment. Completely ignore it.

            James walked up, looking positively jovial.

            "Alright you two, here's what we're going to do. Harry will enter first, Hermione directly after him. We will shut the door. If, within twenty minutes, you both do not walk out of here unscathed, or Hermione is not hauling Harry's unconscious body out, we will assume the worst, and Lily and I will handle it from there. Is that understood?"

            Harry and Hermione nodded, all arguments forgotten, both equally pale. Harry had an abnormally tight grip on his wand. He turned to face the door again.

            "Alright, ready?" asked James. "One, two, three…"

            And he opened the door.

~**~

            And slammed it shut again, right after Harry and Hermione had run in. The room was very small, yet neither of them could spot the demon for a little while. Hermione finally saw it, and pointed it out to Harry.

            It was sitting sulkily in a corner, avoiding their eyes and any chairs that were placed at strategic points about the room. It was mostly black, with odd red patches that would flicker here and there about its body, giving it the appearance of something like a strobe light. It had the characteristic horns and tail, but all were made out of curious little jumping flames, that were scorching up the walls where it sat. It had a snout like a pig, but the eyes, which were still avoiding them, were a deep, soulless…lavender. It wasn't exactly the friendliest thing around, but it wasn't the thing that made nightmares, either. Harry couldn't help it. He had to laugh.

            "What're you laughing at?" The demon, though it still would not meet their eyes, finally spoke. It had an unmistakable Brooklyn accent, which just made the situation even more comical. Harry laughed harder. Hermione frowned, and elbowed him, with a sharp whisper, "It is a test you know."

            Harry calmed down, and awkwardly answered it. "Em…nothing."

            "So, what are you doing here?" The accent was even more pronounced.

            "We…er…actually…em…" Harry coughed. "I think I'm supposed to send you back to Hell."

            "You think?" The demon asked sarcastically. "I would be a tad more considerate if I were you. How do you think I feel about being sent back?"

            "Em…" Harry didn't know quite how to take this. "Well, how do you feel?"

            "Not well, not at all well," The demon said with a sniff. "You wouldn't believe what Hell does to the sinuses. And my back, I get a constant ache right here, plus, I'm constantly scorching my ears with my tail…" It went on to list various illnesses that it had. Harry thought it would be sensible not to point out that both his ears and tail were made of fire, and therefore, could not be scorched by the other.

            "So…em…should I just send you back and put you out of your misery?" He asked tentatively. Hermione gave him an encouraging nod.

            "ARE YOU JOKING? Have you been listening to a word that I've said?" The demon screamed. "The best thing you could do for me is to send someone back in my stead. Em…well, I can't send you back, you're a mage. What about her?" It asked hopefully, pointing at Hermione.

            "No," said Harry sternly. "She's my friend. You mustn't send her back." The demon suddenly took a flying leap and landed right onto Harry's chest, knocking him down. He grabbed Harry's neck and began shaking him.

            "But the pain! The agony! The suffering! AND DID I MENTION THE PAINNNNN!" It wailed. Harry apparently, had had enough.

            "I damn thee to the second predicent of Hell," he said firmly. The demon froze. "Well," Harry added, "it would have been the first if you hadn't tried to strangle me." He grinned.

            "Dante."

            With a wail and a puff of smoke, the demon disappeared.

            "Harry, are you alright?" Hermione sat next to him on the floor, looking very worried. "I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to get the demon away without hurting it or you and…are you alright?"

            "Never been better," said Harry, rubbing the spot on his neck where the demon had been. There were already blisters beginning to form. "Well," He said brightly, "That was easy, wasn't it?"

            "My hero," said Hermione sarcastically.


 ~**~

A/N: Such fun. The next chapter should be out soon. :)