Dear Journal,
Father as always told me about the point in your life where there will be a fork in the middle of the road and you have to choose between two sides. I think that somewhere along the way my life skipped over that stage and became one of those Muggle contraptions called a "conveyor belt" that i saw at London once when Mum was off on a mad shopping expedition. I remember her buying me my first tight pair of leather pants. Father just about threw a fit. He told me i looked like a blooming poofter. I thought i looked damned Sexy.
Anyway, here i am on my conveyor belt life that's slowly moving in the only direction that i don't want it to go. A bleak, miserable, Potter-less life where death would be the only escape, but yet it is blocked up with a bunch of bricks that i can't move out of the way.
My visit to Dumbledore only furthur convinced me of this horrible fate.
I had walked up to the entrance and muttered some childish password about candy. I was led up to a sweeping spiral staircase that i might have admired and begged Father for one exactly like it, but i was too nervous and confused at the time to really notice.
Upon entering Dumbledore motioned me to take a seat and i did. Uncle and McGonnagall were there perched on a love seat. I had almost snickered suggestively until i noticed Potter was sitting on a chair next to me. He was staring at me with those Eyes wearing a strange and unreadable expression.
They think i'm insane and once again they think that Potter is God.
My Uncle had carefully explained to me what had happened. He was still speaking to me as though i were going to break apart in any given moment or go insane and throw myself out of the office window.
He told me that i had climbed out the Tower window during a roaring storm not a few days past. Potter had been sitting on a nearby ledge by my chosen window on one of the blatant Potter favoritism privileges to stay out past his bedtime. He had apparently saw whip off my cloak with grandeur and step out into the pouring rain. He saw me take a step closer and closer to the edge and he himself and climbed out to stare at me in perverse fascination as i finally took the final step off spinning towards my final destination.
He had shouted my name as i fell.
I remember that being the last thing i heard as the blood pounding in my ears from the quick rush made everything fade to gray and black.
Uncle told me that he had shouted a quick slowing spell seconds before i touched the ground.
He had run immediately to Dumbledore and they had come out and saw me sprawled unelegantly in a twisted, unconcious heap, lying in the mud. I was barely bruised or bloodied but nonetheless out cold.
They had first taken me to the Hospital Wing, cleaned me up, and slipped me sedatives.
They went to my dorm and found this journal. And they fucking read it.
Making up their minds that i was truly crazy i was taken to Saint Mungo's and put on suicide watch for 24 hours before returning back to the hospital where i lay before escorted to my dorm.
I'm not allowed into place of high elevation without supervision. Wand use would be supervised and usage of any self tortuous objects removed from my grasp. They didn't remove Potter as under the list of self tortuous objects.
They know all my secrets, my heart, and my soul. They have taken away the one thing that they think they tried to save. My life. And they have deemed my life almost unworthy. Crazy. Delusional. Unstable. They probably would have revoked me Head Boy position if- - - -
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh. My. Fucking. Gods.
My heart is bleeding. Again. Stabbed and slashed into pieces by the only person that can make it all go away. Why must he constantly torture me and hate me when all i ever did was love him. Hand him my life where he had given it back and then take it away again. He had read my journal and in the back of my heart i had sincerely believed that he had felt the same way too and that we were meant to be together. I had hoped and prayed that he would suddenly press his body up against mine and whisper huskily that he loved me back and wanted me the way i wanted him.
When he appeared behind me to kidnap me from my dorm and pulled me into the empty Prefects corridor i thought that my prayers had been answered. He had looked at me with that same unreadable expression, his eyelashes fluttering. He hands were wringing in a sweet, nervous way. And i knew that he was going to say the words i had been longing for him to say. He didn't say them. Instead he practically slapped me with a cold wave of ice water.
"Malfoy, I know how you feel about me." My heart had stopped. He was going to tell me that he loved me too.
"But..." My heart dropped to my feet. But what?
"I just wanted to. . . needed to, let you know that I don't um, feel the same way. Hell. I'm not even gay. And maybe one day we can be friends but for now, i just needed to tell you that i could never reciprocate your feelings. I don't even like you, and could much less even love you. I'm sorry." With those biting words, he turned away.
He left me again, heartbroken and in despair. Sobbing against the stone walls, and beating the ground.
Why the hell had he saved me if he were going to kill me again? And then again.
And all i ever did was love him.
I just wish. I just hope. And i just pray that even for just one moment in time he could love me back. And hold me the way i wish to hold him. Caress me. Kiss me as if nothing else mattered. Whisper those three small words into my ear.
All i have now are dreams.
~Draco Malfoy
~TBC~
Please review ^_^ Thanks to all those who reviewed (chappies 1-3):
CrystalHorse72 (Ron?! Cute?! I think not ^_~ but that's okay. More Ronniekins for you, ne? heehee), Megharts, lunaledafe, BlancheMalfoy, Pepsi, Moonchild, Madame Berserker, squeebat, Ravishingly Discreet (well we all hate the concept of Draco loving someone, as we all know that he should love me. But if he has to love anyone other tham myself it might as well be Harry *^^*), zara, harrypotterfreak
Thankies!!! ::huggles::
Father as always told me about the point in your life where there will be a fork in the middle of the road and you have to choose between two sides. I think that somewhere along the way my life skipped over that stage and became one of those Muggle contraptions called a "conveyor belt" that i saw at London once when Mum was off on a mad shopping expedition. I remember her buying me my first tight pair of leather pants. Father just about threw a fit. He told me i looked like a blooming poofter. I thought i looked damned Sexy.
Anyway, here i am on my conveyor belt life that's slowly moving in the only direction that i don't want it to go. A bleak, miserable, Potter-less life where death would be the only escape, but yet it is blocked up with a bunch of bricks that i can't move out of the way.
My visit to Dumbledore only furthur convinced me of this horrible fate.
I had walked up to the entrance and muttered some childish password about candy. I was led up to a sweeping spiral staircase that i might have admired and begged Father for one exactly like it, but i was too nervous and confused at the time to really notice.
Upon entering Dumbledore motioned me to take a seat and i did. Uncle and McGonnagall were there perched on a love seat. I had almost snickered suggestively until i noticed Potter was sitting on a chair next to me. He was staring at me with those Eyes wearing a strange and unreadable expression.
They think i'm insane and once again they think that Potter is God.
My Uncle had carefully explained to me what had happened. He was still speaking to me as though i were going to break apart in any given moment or go insane and throw myself out of the office window.
He told me that i had climbed out the Tower window during a roaring storm not a few days past. Potter had been sitting on a nearby ledge by my chosen window on one of the blatant Potter favoritism privileges to stay out past his bedtime. He had apparently saw whip off my cloak with grandeur and step out into the pouring rain. He saw me take a step closer and closer to the edge and he himself and climbed out to stare at me in perverse fascination as i finally took the final step off spinning towards my final destination.
He had shouted my name as i fell.
I remember that being the last thing i heard as the blood pounding in my ears from the quick rush made everything fade to gray and black.
Uncle told me that he had shouted a quick slowing spell seconds before i touched the ground.
He had run immediately to Dumbledore and they had come out and saw me sprawled unelegantly in a twisted, unconcious heap, lying in the mud. I was barely bruised or bloodied but nonetheless out cold.
They had first taken me to the Hospital Wing, cleaned me up, and slipped me sedatives.
They went to my dorm and found this journal. And they fucking read it.
Making up their minds that i was truly crazy i was taken to Saint Mungo's and put on suicide watch for 24 hours before returning back to the hospital where i lay before escorted to my dorm.
I'm not allowed into place of high elevation without supervision. Wand use would be supervised and usage of any self tortuous objects removed from my grasp. They didn't remove Potter as under the list of self tortuous objects.
They know all my secrets, my heart, and my soul. They have taken away the one thing that they think they tried to save. My life. And they have deemed my life almost unworthy. Crazy. Delusional. Unstable. They probably would have revoked me Head Boy position if- - - -
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Oh. My. Fucking. Gods.
My heart is bleeding. Again. Stabbed and slashed into pieces by the only person that can make it all go away. Why must he constantly torture me and hate me when all i ever did was love him. Hand him my life where he had given it back and then take it away again. He had read my journal and in the back of my heart i had sincerely believed that he had felt the same way too and that we were meant to be together. I had hoped and prayed that he would suddenly press his body up against mine and whisper huskily that he loved me back and wanted me the way i wanted him.
When he appeared behind me to kidnap me from my dorm and pulled me into the empty Prefects corridor i thought that my prayers had been answered. He had looked at me with that same unreadable expression, his eyelashes fluttering. He hands were wringing in a sweet, nervous way. And i knew that he was going to say the words i had been longing for him to say. He didn't say them. Instead he practically slapped me with a cold wave of ice water.
"Malfoy, I know how you feel about me." My heart had stopped. He was going to tell me that he loved me too.
"But..." My heart dropped to my feet. But what?
"I just wanted to. . . needed to, let you know that I don't um, feel the same way. Hell. I'm not even gay. And maybe one day we can be friends but for now, i just needed to tell you that i could never reciprocate your feelings. I don't even like you, and could much less even love you. I'm sorry." With those biting words, he turned away.
He left me again, heartbroken and in despair. Sobbing against the stone walls, and beating the ground.
Why the hell had he saved me if he were going to kill me again? And then again.
And all i ever did was love him.
I just wish. I just hope. And i just pray that even for just one moment in time he could love me back. And hold me the way i wish to hold him. Caress me. Kiss me as if nothing else mattered. Whisper those three small words into my ear.
All i have now are dreams.
~Draco Malfoy
~TBC~
Please review ^_^ Thanks to all those who reviewed (chappies 1-3):
CrystalHorse72 (Ron?! Cute?! I think not ^_~ but that's okay. More Ronniekins for you, ne? heehee), Megharts, lunaledafe, BlancheMalfoy, Pepsi, Moonchild, Madame Berserker, squeebat, Ravishingly Discreet (well we all hate the concept of Draco loving someone, as we all know that he should love me. But if he has to love anyone other tham myself it might as well be Harry *^^*), zara, harrypotterfreak
Thankies!!! ::huggles::