Dear Journal,
Today i really died. The tiny part of me that was alive before, the smallest flicker of hope, the little snatch of my soul, is gone. Oh yes, i'm still living and breathing, moving about, but my actions are futile. Meaningless. I don't even feel the burning anger and jealousy anymore. I can't even feel the fiery love for Potter anymore. I don't even have enough drive in my to throw myself off the edge of a cliff even if i wanted to.
And how i want to. How i want to just end it all now. To dive into darkness and never have to feel pain again. The pain my heart is continously in, always bleeding. The pain my mind is in, almost insane. The pain my body feels to not ever be touched. And when touched, my body feels cold and like ice. Always disgusted with myself afterwards.
Harry Potter has a girlfriend. I don't know how i could have missed it before. The loving actions, the gestures, and the meaningful looks.
I saw him fucking kissing that little Weasel slut in the hallways today on one of my depressed wanderings.
Watching that kiss felt like a Dementor had latched it's freezing lips onto mine and sucked my soul out of me. I finally realized that Harry would never love me. He loves some other and his heart is being pulled towards another. Not towards me. Never towards me.
He had his hands around her waist and was rubbing her back gently, his eyes dancing with such happiness i had never felt. Her face was leaned up into his, waiting, and anticipating. Her arms around his neck bringing him even closer as he leaned in and kissed her.
And i watched that kiss, like some fucking voyeur. It seemed like lifetimes had passed and gone before they stopped. Oh, how i wished i was her. To have Potter looking at me with those emerald jewels, his very expression telling me that he Loved me. To have his hands caressing my hair lovingly, his kisses sweet and gentle, innocent. To be touched lovingly, not just out of lust. A kiss for pleasure, not just a prelude to a fast fucking afterwards.
I wonder if they've made love. Not fucked, had sex, but made love. If they have, i hope it wasn't anything like my first time. Painful, bloody, and the very opposite of sweet.
I've died today, my soul gone. Now i'm just a hollow and empty shell. I've already given my heart to Potter and now i'm giving him my soul. My future happiness is his. I don't need to be happy, i don't need to feel alive. I'll just sit here on the sidelines, a skeleton made of flesh and watch Harry laughing and being happy. Feeding his girlfriend cherries, watching the sunrise and set with her, sharing a bed with her. Not with me, never with me.
I love Potter so much. As long as he's happy, i'll be happy. I don't think i could stand it if he were upset. I used to pray that he'll love me back, but now i think i'll pray that the Weasel girl doesn't break his heart. Harry's heart wasn't meant for breaking, it was meant for loving. If she hurts him i swear to Merlin i'll kill her with my bare hands.
I hope they're happy together. No wait, i know they're happy together. In the hallway today, i saw what Love was before my very eyes. And pity. I saw what pity was.
Pity is me. The lonely boy in the stands watching the one person he loves, has ever loved, love another.
Harry looked at me today. When he was holding that girl, he looked up and into my eyes. I don't know if they were filled with tears or if they were just empty, devoid of any emotion. He looked up at me and his expression of love changed into one of pity. Of sadness. For me.
That's all he'll ever give me. Pity.
It's the most he can ever give me. I've given him my heart, my soul, my love, and my happiness.
He's given me pity.
That's the most i can ever ask for from him.
~Draco. Just Draco.
~TBC~
Please review ^_^ Thanks to all those who reviewed!
Today i really died. The tiny part of me that was alive before, the smallest flicker of hope, the little snatch of my soul, is gone. Oh yes, i'm still living and breathing, moving about, but my actions are futile. Meaningless. I don't even feel the burning anger and jealousy anymore. I can't even feel the fiery love for Potter anymore. I don't even have enough drive in my to throw myself off the edge of a cliff even if i wanted to.
And how i want to. How i want to just end it all now. To dive into darkness and never have to feel pain again. The pain my heart is continously in, always bleeding. The pain my mind is in, almost insane. The pain my body feels to not ever be touched. And when touched, my body feels cold and like ice. Always disgusted with myself afterwards.
Harry Potter has a girlfriend. I don't know how i could have missed it before. The loving actions, the gestures, and the meaningful looks.
I saw him fucking kissing that little Weasel slut in the hallways today on one of my depressed wanderings.
Watching that kiss felt like a Dementor had latched it's freezing lips onto mine and sucked my soul out of me. I finally realized that Harry would never love me. He loves some other and his heart is being pulled towards another. Not towards me. Never towards me.
He had his hands around her waist and was rubbing her back gently, his eyes dancing with such happiness i had never felt. Her face was leaned up into his, waiting, and anticipating. Her arms around his neck bringing him even closer as he leaned in and kissed her.
And i watched that kiss, like some fucking voyeur. It seemed like lifetimes had passed and gone before they stopped. Oh, how i wished i was her. To have Potter looking at me with those emerald jewels, his very expression telling me that he Loved me. To have his hands caressing my hair lovingly, his kisses sweet and gentle, innocent. To be touched lovingly, not just out of lust. A kiss for pleasure, not just a prelude to a fast fucking afterwards.
I wonder if they've made love. Not fucked, had sex, but made love. If they have, i hope it wasn't anything like my first time. Painful, bloody, and the very opposite of sweet.
I've died today, my soul gone. Now i'm just a hollow and empty shell. I've already given my heart to Potter and now i'm giving him my soul. My future happiness is his. I don't need to be happy, i don't need to feel alive. I'll just sit here on the sidelines, a skeleton made of flesh and watch Harry laughing and being happy. Feeding his girlfriend cherries, watching the sunrise and set with her, sharing a bed with her. Not with me, never with me.
I love Potter so much. As long as he's happy, i'll be happy. I don't think i could stand it if he were upset. I used to pray that he'll love me back, but now i think i'll pray that the Weasel girl doesn't break his heart. Harry's heart wasn't meant for breaking, it was meant for loving. If she hurts him i swear to Merlin i'll kill her with my bare hands.
I hope they're happy together. No wait, i know they're happy together. In the hallway today, i saw what Love was before my very eyes. And pity. I saw what pity was.
Pity is me. The lonely boy in the stands watching the one person he loves, has ever loved, love another.
Harry looked at me today. When he was holding that girl, he looked up and into my eyes. I don't know if they were filled with tears or if they were just empty, devoid of any emotion. He looked up at me and his expression of love changed into one of pity. Of sadness. For me.
That's all he'll ever give me. Pity.
It's the most he can ever give me. I've given him my heart, my soul, my love, and my happiness.
He's given me pity.
That's the most i can ever ask for from him.
~Draco. Just Draco.
~TBC~
Please review ^_^ Thanks to all those who reviewed!