Dear Journal,
It was the strangest thing. The strangest feeling. A kind of tug on my heart that pulled me back into reality. A cold splash of water over my face, waking me up and making me realize. Making me realize what i truly want. What i really need.
It had been in the middle of the night, when everything was asleep. The stars up in the blackened night sky, glittering tiredly. I had slipped through the halls like a ghost, not bothering to put on my invisibility cloak. I exited out the main door and sat down on my favorite rock with the perfect view of the lake. I gazed out stonily at it, silently reflecting.
Earlier today, i had heard the Weasel and the Mudblood alone in the library together whispering. I had peered over my dusty old text at them, eavesdropping. Granger was saying something about soul mates and love, staring up affectionately at Weasel as she spoke. I had almost laughed then. Such silly premonitions about fancy laced valentines and moonlit kisses. Absolute fantasy. Absolute fiction.
Love had nothing to do with hearts and rings; it was a brutal pain without the blood or bruises but still forever leaving a scar.
But her words caught at me, pulled me in. It made me feel little again, hanging on words those fairy tales that father told me. Granger was speaking of love as if it was a poem, a bestowed gift, like a precious stone. Priceless. Beautiful. And i wanted it.
And while sitting on my rock in the middle of the night watching the giant squid paddle lazily, Potter had somehow ended up sitting next to me. His breath coming out in soft, wispy puffs, his cheeks pink from the cold. He had sat down with a russly, and i saw him out of the corner of my eye, and i felt my heart stop again as always.
I felt incredibly warm even in the cold, my skin burning.
But his words chilled me.
His speech was hollow, forced. I found myself barely gripping his meaningless sentences.
He mumbled something about Ginny. Something nasty. The word bitch was in there somewhere. A backstabbing bitch.
And then he told me how he wanted us to start over. That we should make it work. that i would never hurt him, that i loved him too much.
I was the rebound boy. Something for him to have while he was heartbroken. Just a means of support for him.
And he was indulging me like i hoped he would. He was taking me away.
But he wasn't loving me. Because he never would.
His heart had been shatte red by another and would only be mended by that one person. He has been touched, his edges worn. He was now second hand, willing to settle for anything.
Grangers words had come back to me. Her talk of Love and soulmates. Perfection.
A Malfoy never settles for anything other than the best and neither will i.
And i told him so before getting up and turning away. Too scared to look back and rethink my actions. Too scared i would become too weak and succumb to his needs and become his whipping boy.
If i'm going to have Potter, i want to have all of him. His love, his devotion. When he kisses me he would think of me and only me.
And if i can never have Potter in this way, then i will just be perfectly happy looking at him. Just looking. Until that one day he will look at me the same way. His edges renewed.
I wanted fancy laced valentines and moonlit kisses, hearts and rings, poetry. I wanted that fantasy.
I needed that fantasy.
And even if he's willing to give me just a few stolen kisses and hugs just enough to sate his own needs, he still won't be giving me any of that.
I want Harry Potter, I need Harry Potter, I love Harry Potter.
I want him. Not his kisses or attention but him. All of him.
And i won't settle for anything less.
~Draco Malfoy
TBC
Please review and muchos thanks and love to reviewers!!!
It was the strangest thing. The strangest feeling. A kind of tug on my heart that pulled me back into reality. A cold splash of water over my face, waking me up and making me realize. Making me realize what i truly want. What i really need.
It had been in the middle of the night, when everything was asleep. The stars up in the blackened night sky, glittering tiredly. I had slipped through the halls like a ghost, not bothering to put on my invisibility cloak. I exited out the main door and sat down on my favorite rock with the perfect view of the lake. I gazed out stonily at it, silently reflecting.
Earlier today, i had heard the Weasel and the Mudblood alone in the library together whispering. I had peered over my dusty old text at them, eavesdropping. Granger was saying something about soul mates and love, staring up affectionately at Weasel as she spoke. I had almost laughed then. Such silly premonitions about fancy laced valentines and moonlit kisses. Absolute fantasy. Absolute fiction.
Love had nothing to do with hearts and rings; it was a brutal pain without the blood or bruises but still forever leaving a scar.
But her words caught at me, pulled me in. It made me feel little again, hanging on words those fairy tales that father told me. Granger was speaking of love as if it was a poem, a bestowed gift, like a precious stone. Priceless. Beautiful. And i wanted it.
And while sitting on my rock in the middle of the night watching the giant squid paddle lazily, Potter had somehow ended up sitting next to me. His breath coming out in soft, wispy puffs, his cheeks pink from the cold. He had sat down with a russly, and i saw him out of the corner of my eye, and i felt my heart stop again as always.
I felt incredibly warm even in the cold, my skin burning.
But his words chilled me.
His speech was hollow, forced. I found myself barely gripping his meaningless sentences.
He mumbled something about Ginny. Something nasty. The word bitch was in there somewhere. A backstabbing bitch.
And then he told me how he wanted us to start over. That we should make it work. that i would never hurt him, that i loved him too much.
I was the rebound boy. Something for him to have while he was heartbroken. Just a means of support for him.
And he was indulging me like i hoped he would. He was taking me away.
But he wasn't loving me. Because he never would.
His heart had been shatte red by another and would only be mended by that one person. He has been touched, his edges worn. He was now second hand, willing to settle for anything.
Grangers words had come back to me. Her talk of Love and soulmates. Perfection.
A Malfoy never settles for anything other than the best and neither will i.
And i told him so before getting up and turning away. Too scared to look back and rethink my actions. Too scared i would become too weak and succumb to his needs and become his whipping boy.
If i'm going to have Potter, i want to have all of him. His love, his devotion. When he kisses me he would think of me and only me.
And if i can never have Potter in this way, then i will just be perfectly happy looking at him. Just looking. Until that one day he will look at me the same way. His edges renewed.
I wanted fancy laced valentines and moonlit kisses, hearts and rings, poetry. I wanted that fantasy.
I needed that fantasy.
And even if he's willing to give me just a few stolen kisses and hugs just enough to sate his own needs, he still won't be giving me any of that.
I want Harry Potter, I need Harry Potter, I love Harry Potter.
I want him. Not his kisses or attention but him. All of him.
And i won't settle for anything less.
~Draco Malfoy
TBC
Please review and muchos thanks and love to reviewers!!!