Episode 1: Malfoys move in
The camera faces Lucius, Draco, Narcissa and Dobby. The Malfoys
LUCIUS: Hi Im Lucius Malfoy and we are now moving into our new home, Malfoy Manor. This is Draco
Lucius points to Draco with a put on smile. LUCIUS: And my lovely wife Narcissa
Narcissa smiles very vainly and blows a kiss to Lucius Dobby stands unnoticed.
Cut scene to the opening credits.
Outside view of Malfoy Manor, a huge mantion with many gardens and other activities. Camera crew follow Narcissa into the lounge where all the sheets are lying on top of the furniture, the floors are wooden, it has a very tall ceiling which has dangling from it a giant shandeleer. There is also a huge fireplace with a pot on the side storing floo powder. A man is standing as Narcissa walks over to him.
NARCISSA: Wellllll??????? Let me see.
The man walks over and pulls off the sheets. Narcissa's face turns sour.
NARCISSA: GEORGE! I TOLD YOU TO GET THE JADE SUITES NOT THE LAVENDER, THIS IS A FUCKING DISGRACE, LUCIUSSSS!!!!!!!!!
GEORGE: Now Now, Narcissa there is no need to call in Lucius.
Lucius staggers into the room, holding a bottle of whiskey.
LUCIUS: What the fuck Narcissa, why the fuck are you screaming you bloody bitch.
NARCISSA: Oh for fuck sake Lucius you fucking asshole, I told you not to fucking drink in my fucking house, and where the fuck is Draco???
LUCIUS: I don't fucking know do I?
Narcissa looks to the camera and says in a lower voice.
NARCISSA: Fucking men eh? You cant win or loose with them.
She walks over to George pointing her wand at him
NARCISSA: Now you fucking get out of my house you bloody good for nothing scumbag.
George scrambles out of the house. Lucius falls onto the lavendar suite and watches. Narcissa walks into the landing, she walks like she has something stuck up her bottom. She faces the stairs and shouts.
NARCISSA: DRACO!!!! Get your ass down here and help me with this fucking washing.
There is a rumble from upstairs and Draco comes down in boxers with just a blanket covering him.
DRACO: For fuck sake mum, you never bloody said that we started filming today, Jesus Christ, I'm half naked.
Narcissa looks shocked.
NARCISSA: HOW DARE YOU USE THAT LANGUAGE IN THIS HOUSE, YOU WOULD NEVER EVER HEAR YOUR FATHER OR ME CURSING LIKE THAT INFRONT OF ANYONE!
Lucius starts cheering at the TV in the lounge Narcissa looks through the archway
NARCISSA: LUCIUS FUCK UP YOU FUCKING KUNT, IM TALKING TO OUR FUCKING SON.
Narcissa turns back to a sniggering Draco
NARCISSA: This is NOT an option Draco now you get up stairs and changed then come back down and bloody well help me.
Cut scene to the break. Back to the Malfoys
Lucius is in the kitchen looking out the window and appearently sober now, he is talking to the camera
LUCIUS: I know what your probably thinking, we are an odd family but isnt everyone?
Dobby the house elf walks past, Lucius kicks him
LUCIUS: You fucking scum bag elf, you fucking get out of my sight you piece of fucking rabbit shit.
Dobby scampers off
LUCIUS: I mean, Draco is such a bad influence to all the children in the homes out there. Soon people will be telling their mums to fuck off, ya know.
Cut scene to Narcissa walking down the corridor
NARCISSA: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT BASTARD ELF.
The camera zooms in on a piece of elf shit lying on the carpet, Narcissa has just stood on it.
NARCISSA: I MEAN IT DOBBY, IM GONA KICK YOUR BONEY ASS OUT OF TOWN!!!
Narcissa storms off down the hall into Draco's bedroom The camera follows promptly Draco quickly covers himself in sheets, he appearently had been busy doing something in bed. Narcissa glares at him and remembers.
NARCISSA: WHERE IS HE?!?!?!?
DRACO: Who?
NARCISSA: DOBBY! YOUR FUCKING HOUSE ELF SHITTED ON MY £25,000 CARPET AND I FUCKING STOOD ON IT, I'M GOING TO TAKE HIM INTO THE TOILET AND SHIT ON HIM, SEE HOW HE LIKES IT!
DRACO: Mum NO! don't
Narcissa walks out of the room and sees dobby, she grabs him and runs into the toilet with him, screaming maddly. Draco comes out, now changed and follows Narcissa, but she slams the door in his face.
DRACO: OH MY GOD! Shes actually doing it.
There are screams and shuffles from the toilet until. Narcissa comes out looking refreshed, the door is only slightly opened. Draco opens the door to find a Dobby sitting on the toilet seat with lumps of shit in his hair and weeping maddly!
DRACO: Holy Shit!
End Credits!
LUCIUS: Hi Im Lucius Malfoy and we are now moving into our new home, Malfoy Manor. This is Draco
Lucius points to Draco with a put on smile. LUCIUS: And my lovely wife Narcissa
Narcissa smiles very vainly and blows a kiss to Lucius Dobby stands unnoticed.
Cut scene to the opening credits.
Outside view of Malfoy Manor, a huge mantion with many gardens and other activities. Camera crew follow Narcissa into the lounge where all the sheets are lying on top of the furniture, the floors are wooden, it has a very tall ceiling which has dangling from it a giant shandeleer. There is also a huge fireplace with a pot on the side storing floo powder. A man is standing as Narcissa walks over to him.
NARCISSA: Wellllll??????? Let me see.
The man walks over and pulls off the sheets. Narcissa's face turns sour.
NARCISSA: GEORGE! I TOLD YOU TO GET THE JADE SUITES NOT THE LAVENDER, THIS IS A FUCKING DISGRACE, LUCIUSSSS!!!!!!!!!
GEORGE: Now Now, Narcissa there is no need to call in Lucius.
Lucius staggers into the room, holding a bottle of whiskey.
LUCIUS: What the fuck Narcissa, why the fuck are you screaming you bloody bitch.
NARCISSA: Oh for fuck sake Lucius you fucking asshole, I told you not to fucking drink in my fucking house, and where the fuck is Draco???
LUCIUS: I don't fucking know do I?
Narcissa looks to the camera and says in a lower voice.
NARCISSA: Fucking men eh? You cant win or loose with them.
She walks over to George pointing her wand at him
NARCISSA: Now you fucking get out of my house you bloody good for nothing scumbag.
George scrambles out of the house. Lucius falls onto the lavendar suite and watches. Narcissa walks into the landing, she walks like she has something stuck up her bottom. She faces the stairs and shouts.
NARCISSA: DRACO!!!! Get your ass down here and help me with this fucking washing.
There is a rumble from upstairs and Draco comes down in boxers with just a blanket covering him.
DRACO: For fuck sake mum, you never bloody said that we started filming today, Jesus Christ, I'm half naked.
Narcissa looks shocked.
NARCISSA: HOW DARE YOU USE THAT LANGUAGE IN THIS HOUSE, YOU WOULD NEVER EVER HEAR YOUR FATHER OR ME CURSING LIKE THAT INFRONT OF ANYONE!
Lucius starts cheering at the TV in the lounge Narcissa looks through the archway
NARCISSA: LUCIUS FUCK UP YOU FUCKING KUNT, IM TALKING TO OUR FUCKING SON.
Narcissa turns back to a sniggering Draco
NARCISSA: This is NOT an option Draco now you get up stairs and changed then come back down and bloody well help me.
Cut scene to the break. Back to the Malfoys
Lucius is in the kitchen looking out the window and appearently sober now, he is talking to the camera
LUCIUS: I know what your probably thinking, we are an odd family but isnt everyone?
Dobby the house elf walks past, Lucius kicks him
LUCIUS: You fucking scum bag elf, you fucking get out of my sight you piece of fucking rabbit shit.
Dobby scampers off
LUCIUS: I mean, Draco is such a bad influence to all the children in the homes out there. Soon people will be telling their mums to fuck off, ya know.
Cut scene to Narcissa walking down the corridor
NARCISSA: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT BASTARD ELF.
The camera zooms in on a piece of elf shit lying on the carpet, Narcissa has just stood on it.
NARCISSA: I MEAN IT DOBBY, IM GONA KICK YOUR BONEY ASS OUT OF TOWN!!!
Narcissa storms off down the hall into Draco's bedroom The camera follows promptly Draco quickly covers himself in sheets, he appearently had been busy doing something in bed. Narcissa glares at him and remembers.
NARCISSA: WHERE IS HE?!?!?!?
DRACO: Who?
NARCISSA: DOBBY! YOUR FUCKING HOUSE ELF SHITTED ON MY £25,000 CARPET AND I FUCKING STOOD ON IT, I'M GOING TO TAKE HIM INTO THE TOILET AND SHIT ON HIM, SEE HOW HE LIKES IT!
DRACO: Mum NO! don't
Narcissa walks out of the room and sees dobby, she grabs him and runs into the toilet with him, screaming maddly. Draco comes out, now changed and follows Narcissa, but she slams the door in his face.
DRACO: OH MY GOD! Shes actually doing it.
There are screams and shuffles from the toilet until. Narcissa comes out looking refreshed, the door is only slightly opened. Draco opens the door to find a Dobby sitting on the toilet seat with lumps of shit in his hair and weeping maddly!
DRACO: Holy Shit!
End Credits!