Breathing: Part II

by Shunyata Ryuen

Five months have passed since the revelations of the Carnival, and the Suzaku 7 find themselves on the verge of the promised conflict. How can one small boy create so much danger? Rated R for adult situations. Nuri/Hori. Ch. 4.

1. I

**Please Read This First**

(err, the note.  not the header. :P)

Author's Note:  This is, indeed, Part II of Breathing.  If you're wondering why it's been turned into a completely new story, that's because Part II is a very definite R-rating, whereas Part I is barely even PG-13.  Rather than tacking this onto the end of Breathing I and changing the whole story to R, I've elected to leave Part I as it is and start a new fic with this.

That said, I'll now tell you WHY this part is rated R. 

Ryuuen and Saihitei have been married, albeit not legally, since April.  With that sort of commitment, I find it unrealistic that they would not have at least attempted a physical relationship of some kind.  Keeping that in mind, I've decided that it's time to address that issue within the context of the story, thus changing the rating to a definite R.  If this offends you, or if you're young enough that your parents would send me a mail bomb if they found you reading this, then please don't read it.   :P  There's nothing graphic, however, and Mouse-chan assures me that all material discussed here is done in a tasteful manner.

So.  Okay, then.  Just wanted to warn you.  *nod*  Thanks for your time, and for bothering to read the long and arduous author's note.  ...reviews are welcome. ^_^.

~Ryuen

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

B R E A T H I N G

~part 2~

~*~

five months later

"Oh, Taka, don't be silly!  Of course we're having Thanksgiving here!" 

Rubbing his shoulder where Miaka had smacked it, Taka shifted in his chair.  His morning coffee steamed in front of him, cooling in a heart-covered Valentine's mug, but he didn't drink.  Despite his protestations, Miaka had insisted on making it for him, and although she'd finally mastered the correct sequence of coffeemaker buttons, she'd managed to dump four spoonfuls of sugar in before he'd told her to stop.   An honest mistake--she'd been quite involved in reading the comics at the time--but not one Taka intended to glorify by actually drinking the stuff.  Taking a quick bite from his bagel, he studied his girlfriend for a moment, then sighed. 

"Miaka," he said gently, "I know you really want to have it here, but I just don't think we have the room.  How would we seat everyone?"

"We could get more chairs, and some of those little fold-up card tables!  Or we could sit on the floor!"

Taka choked on his bagel.  "On the floor?  For Thanksgiving?  Are you crazy?  Look at that carpet!"  He jabbed a finger at the white rug, spotless and recently vacuumed.  "Miaka, I'm not paying for new carpeting just so we can have Thanksgiving here.  Juan and Shouka already said they wouldn't mind having it at their apartment.  And anyway, do you really think you're up to making...well, a meal?"

Folding her arms over her pajama top, Miaka glared.  "I could do it!" she protested.  "It's not that hard to make a stupid turkey.  And, anyway, Ryuu-chan would help me!"

Hearing the jangle of a doorknob, the pair turned, and were just in time to watch a sleepy Ryuuen yawn his way into the living room.  Not surprisingly, he wore his usual winter sleep ensemble--satiny purple pajama pants with a faded grey sweatshirt--and despite the two weeks that had passed since he'd gotten his hair cut, he still looked surprised at scratching his head and finding it so short.  After a few moments of gratuitous stretching, he turned blinking eyes to Miaka.  "What would I help you with, now?"

Miaka smiled sweetly.  "With, um...with making Thanskgiving dinner for everybody on Thursday--oh, pleeeeeease say yes, Ryuu-chan, I really want to have it here but Taka doesn't want us to, pleeeeaaaaase!"

Laughing, the eighteen-year-old crossed to the table and sat down beside her.  His movements were confident and assured, so different from the sad, tentative person Taka had gotten to know over the years--and it wasn't just his posture that had changed, either.  He smiled more easily now, laughing at Genrou's stupidest jokes and even making a few of his own, and there was a resiliency about him that had never been there before.  Things that would once have bothered him--things that would once have hurled him into a fit of tears--now seemed barely to touch him.  Or maybe, Taka correctly mentally, it wasn't so much that they didn't touch him, but that he was strong enough, now, to deal with them and move on.  He was stronger.  He was the best of Ryuuen and Nuriko, and the older man couldn't remember ever having seen him so happy.

I guess nearly dying and then finding out that you're really the reincarnation of an ancient warrior will do that to a person.

"Miaaaaaaka," Ryuuen said with a smile, clasping his hand over hers, "I'd love to help, but I really think Shouka was looking forward to doing it this year.  But, ne, even if we don't have Thanksgiving here, we can still make something to bring; how about sweet potato pie?"

"Ooooh, sweet potato pie!"  The girl began to bounce in her seat, the movement sending a ring of coffee sloshing onto Taka's saucer.  "I looove sweet potato pie!!  Okayyyyy, I guess we can have it at their house, then.  But next year we're having it here--no buts, Taka."

"I guess we could put a tarp down on the carpet," Taka muttered.

Ryuuen laughed.  "That's the spirit, Tama-chan.  Ne, do either of you guys want some eggs?"  He stood up, brushing imaginary dirt from the front of his sweatshirt; a tiny flush had crept into his cheeks.  "I'm making some for me and Sai."

Miaka and Taka exchanged glances. 

"Sai is having eggs for breakfast?" Taka asked at last.

Miaka giggled.  "Does he know?"

Ryuuen turned quickly to the silverware drawer, tugging it open to retrieve a spatula, but Taka saw enough of his face before he turned. 

"Okay, Ryuuen--" He grinned.  "--what's up?"

Spatula held before him like a weapon, Ryuuen spun.  "Up?"  He blinked innocently, violet tufts of hair falling over his eyes.  "Nothing's up.  Why would anything be up?" 

"Oooooooh, I know!" Miaka squealed.  She leaped up from her chair, bare feet slapping on the kitchen tile, and dashed over to the refrigerator.  There, she jabbed a finger at the calendar and grinned triumphantly at Ryuuen.  "It's sommmmmebody's anniversaryyyy!" she sang.

Taka blinked.  "What?  It can't be!  You guys got married in April."  He chuckled.  "Sai was barely legal."

Ryuuen glared good-naturedly. "None of it was legal, Taka.  We're both guys, remember?"  His face lightened, then, a small smile tugging at his lips; as he spoke, he twisted shyly at the band on his ring-finger.  "And anyway, this isn't the anniversary of that.  It's the anniversary of . . . something else."

"Oh?"  Forgetting its deadly sugar content, Taka took a sip of his coffee; he managed to avoid spitting it out, however, and instead muffled the taste with a large bite of bagel.  "What's it the anniversary of, then?" he mumbled, still chewing.

Ryuuen blushed.  "Our...our first kiss."

Despite the fact that she'd already known the punchline, Miaka tilted her head to the side and cooed, "Awwwwwwww!"

Cheeks deepening to scarlet, Ryuuen turned away and bent to open a cupboard.  From within it, he pulled out a wooden-handled frying pan, which he thunked onto the stove before bustling over to the refrigerator.  Miaka was kind enough to stop cooing and step out of his way, but as he pulled the egg carton, stick of butter, and milk jug out, she started bouncing and clapping her hands together.

"Oooooh, Ryuu-chan!" she chirped.  "I know just the thing to make this perfect!!"  Grinning, the girl dashed to a nearby drawer and, as Ryuuen stared at her blankly, sifted through a pile of dish towels before finally producing a square red object.

"Here!" she said triumphantly, plopping the thing into his hand.  "It's for toast.  Isn't it cute??"

Ryuuen peered at the object, a square cookie-cutter with the words "I LOVE YOU" and a heart carved into it; Taka, shaking his head, returned to his bagel. 

After a few moments of silence, Ryuuen smiled and pulled Miaka into a hug.  "Thanks, Miaka," he said, and Taka found he sounded absolutely sincere.  "It's just what I need.  Ne, though--"  He stepped back, glancing at the breakfast supplies he'd deposited on the counter.  "--do you think you guys could...ah...well--"

"Get out of your way for awhile?"  Taka smiled.  "No problem."

Miaka gave a hearty nod of agreement.  "Hai!  We can go visit Shouka and Juan--ne, Taka?--and tell them about Thanksgiving!  I'll go get dressed!"

And with that, she bounded out of the kitchen, through the living room, and into her and Taka's bedroom.  Once the door had closed, Ryuuen shook his head and returned his attention to the stove, dropping a slice of butter into the pan with a sizzle.  "I don't know where she gets her energy," he mused. 

There was a comfortable silence for a few moments, Ryuuen cracking the eggs and depositing the insides into the pan, Taka flipping through the newspaper.  After a few moments, however, Taka glanced up at his friend, eyebrows coming together in sudden realization.

"Ryuuen," he said, "isn't tomorrow the monthly check-up?"

The younger man didn't turn from the stove, but his shoulders stiffened slightly.  It seemed a long time before he answered.  "Nothing is wrong with my heart, Taka," he said quietly.

Caught off guard by the sudden change of mood, Taka took another sip of his sugar-saturated coffee.  Sadly, he was actually starting to get used to the taste; he brought the mug to his lips once more before continuing the discussion.  "I know.  But, didn't you and Sai agree that you would go, anyway?"

Sighing, Ryuuen turned around; the spatula twitched in his fingers, a light coating of grease glistening on the metal.  "We did.  But she checked me out in June, after I missed that first appointment, and then she checked me out in July, and then she checked me out in August, and then September, and then October, and...nothing's wrong with me, Taka.  She must know that by now, but she still insists on scheduling these pointless monthly check-ups.  I just...I just think that maybe I should stop going, especially since I have more important things to think of now."

Taka sighed.  "Ryuuen, Shouka told you not to get your hopes up." 

Hearing the eggs' sizzling growing more urgent, Ryuuen turned back to the stove.  "I'm not," he said at last.  "But..." 

There was a long pause, during which Ryuuen slid the spatula beneath the eggs, both nicely-browned, and flopped them onto the plates he'd left on the counter.  Once that was done, he laid the spatula down, turned back to his friend, and drew a deep breath. 

"Taka," he said slowly, arms folded over his chest, "Sai and I deciding to...to try to adopt...  It wasn't just an idle decision.  It came to me one night, and I really think--"  Ryuuen's eyes seemed, all of a sudden, to possess some rich inner glow, and despite the solemn tone of his words, he was smiling.  "I really think that Suzaku wants Sai and I to adopt," he murmured.  "I really think that whatever he's preparing us for has to do, somehow, with this.  With adopting.  And I know it sounds nuts.  But I just get this...this feeling."  He shook his head.  "So, I am getting my hopes up.  I am getting them up, because I know that this adoption is going to go through.  I know that even though we're both guys, and even though we're only eighteen, and even though it usually takes months or even years to get a child, that we're going to get one."  His right hand traveled to the center of his chest, and this time there was no mistaking the smile in his words.  "I know it right here."

~*~

It was the scent of eggs that woke him, and even in his state of grogginess, he knew that they were for him.  As a highly-regimented individual, he woke each weekday morning at six thirty, poured himself a bowl of Special-K, splashed on some milk, and that was breakfast.  Occasionally, he would add a few strawberries or perhaps deign to have a slice of buttered toast, but that was the extent of the variation.  Ryuuen, on the other hand, seemed to make a game of never having the same meal twice in one year, and often heated up whatever leftovers were in the fridge for his breakfast.  Yet, despite their differing tastes, their anniversary never failed to produce a traditional breakfast from Ryuuen. 

Of course, Sai mused, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, now they would have two anniversaries, one of that historic first kiss, and one of their wedding in April.  Perhaps he would make breakfast for the second, although Suzaku knew he would probably need to hire someone to do it.  He'd become fairly skilled at cooking simple things over the years, mostly reading instructions from boxes, but Ryuuen...Ryuuen deserved something better than microwave pierogies or macaroni and cheese.  Perhaps they could go out to a breakfast buffet, then off for a walk in the park or something...

"Saaaaaaiiii, I know you're awake in there."

Realizing with a start that he'd been sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off into space for almost five full minutes, he stood and glanced at the door.  "My deepest apologies," he offered with a smile. 

In a few steps, he'd reached the door and pulled it towards him; he was still clad in his pajamas, blue satin ones Ryuuen had picked out a few weeks earlier, but he didn't intend to change.  It was tradition; the day of The Anniversary was spent eternally in pajamas, usually starting off with a big breakfast and then segueing into a sappy movie-fest in the living room.  The rest of the day was anyone's guess, although it usually involved Trivial Pursuit, Chess, and a great deal of snuggling. 

"Good morning," he said, smiling out at Ryuuen.  Before he could help himself, his hand went out to touch that soft, boyishly-short hair, letting the silken violet wash through his fingers.  "I really am proud of you for that, you know," he said softly.

Ryuuen blushed, one hand going automatically to his head.  "It wasn't anything special, Sai.  Just...just a haircut."

Tugging the door the rest of the way open, Sai slid forward and placed his hands on Ryuuen's shoulders; he waited until those rosy-violet eyes were on his before continuing.  "Sweetheart, I know why you kept your hair long before.  It's the same reason you kept it long...then.  To hide.  But now that it's short--"  He shook his head, leaning down to kiss Ryuuen, very lightly, on the tip of the nose.  "Now, you have nothing to hide.  Now we have nothing to hide." 

Ryuuen threw him a lopsided grin.  "We're going to have nothing to eat if we don't get out there in a minute.  Miaka and Taka haven't left yet, and...well, I'm afraid Miaka has a selective memory when it comes to food.  I don't think she'll remember that it's ours until after she's eaten it."

Chuckling, Sai drew the smaller man into a hug and held him tightly, whispers of violet hair tickling his chin.  "Happy anniversary," he murmured.

"Saaaaaaiiiiiii," Ryuuen giggled, slightly muffled with his face pressed to the younger man's chest.  "I'm serious about Miaka.  I spent too much time making this breakfast for us not to eat any of it."  After a moment of mock-struggling, he pulled himself free, but rather than spinning towards the kitchen, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around Sai's neck, and kissed him lightly on the lips.  "And happy anniversary to you, too." 

"OOOH!" came a squeal from the kitchen.  "Eggs!"

~*~

They had eaten breakfast, watched a few sappy movies, played a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit, and snuggled enough to make that laundry detergent bear nauseous.  Now, sitting on the couch with Ryuuen's head on Sai's shoulder, Sai's arm on the armrest, they found themselves staring at the far wall in silence. 

"So," Sai said, feeling Ryuuen shifting against him, "what shall we do now?"

Finding himself answered only with silence, the man turned his head to the left, and found Ryuuen still gazing into space, albeit with a slightly-less vacant expression on his face.

"Ryuuen?"

The apartment was silent and empty around them; Miaka and Taka had left only a few minutes after Ryuuen detached the girl from their breakfast, and the pair had sworn not to return until evening.  Given that it was only early afternoon, that left them several hours of alone-time for just about anything that they might want to do. 

Sai sat up a little straighter.

Just about...anything...

Saihitei, don't be silly.  I'm sure he's not trying to imply that we...that we do that.

Frowning, he took Ryuuen's chin in his hand and drew those rosy eyes to his own.  "Ryuuen?  Sweetheart, are you all right?"

Ryuuen's eyes were large and dark, the long black lashes fluttering as he spoke.  "Sai," he said softly, "I've...I've been thinking about this a lot lately."  His cheeks darkened.  "I mean...  Sai, you've been very patient with me, when a lot of other guys wouldn't have been."

The younger man sighed.  "Ryuuen, I'd rather not do anything just because you feel you owe it to m--"  He cut off, startled, as two slender fingers were pressed to his lips.

"No," Ryuuen said quietly, "listen.  You've been very patient with me.  After we got married, and we...  After that first night, when I told you that I didn't really want to...to do that anymore, you didn't press me, and--well, I really think I'm ready now."

"Ryuuen, it's all right if we don't, it really is.  If you're not ready, we don't have to do anything.  I love you--"  He brought the man's small hand to his mouth and kissed it.  "--and I don't need that to be happy.  All I need is you."

Ryuuen shook his head.  "Sai, before...I was afraid.  It's scary, doing something like that.  Ne?  Showing--"  He blushed.  "Showing all of yourself to someone, and...and I guess I've just spent so long hiding that it was hard to do that, even with you.  Even after we got married.  But, Sai, you said it yourself.  I don't need to hide anymore, and I've...I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  I want us to do this.  I want to be closer to you, and I want to share this with you.  I know we've done it before, but--"

"But, you never really wanted to do it then, did you?" Sai asked quietly.  "You only did it because...because that was what was expected of you."

It seemed, suddenly, the his heart was tearing within him, burning into pieces in his chest.  He didn't want to.  He didn't want to then, but he pretended that he did and I let myself believe him...I let myself believe him because I wanted to and I thought he did, too.  Oh, dear God, Ryuuen, what have I done?

"It wasn't...it wasn't all bad," Ryuuen said after a moment.  Unconsciously, the smaller man had wrapped his arms over his chest, cheek still resting on Sai's shoulder.  "I mean, it...it felt...kinda good, I guess.  But you're right, I...I didn't really want to do it so much as I wanted to do what you wanted me to do."  He laughed, a melodic, rolling sound that echoed through the apartment like a song.  "It sounds so stupid to me now, but it seemed like the right thing to do then."

"Ryuuen," Sai said seriously, "truly.  I don't want to rush you into anything."

Not again.  Not ever.

But, Ryuuen got his legs beneath him, slid from the couch, and rose to his feet.  Standing there, violet hair dangling in his eyes, sweatshirt hanging heavy on his small shoulders, he extended a hand and waited for Sai to take it.  "I'm ready," he said.  His eyes were wide and serious.  "I want to do this.  For real this time."

Sai kept his face cautiously neutral.  "Promise?"

In answer, the smaller man tugged him to his feet--not terribly difficult given his new-found strength--and rose on tip-toe to kiss him.  "Promise," he said.

And before Sai could ask him, again, if he was entirely sure that this was what he wanted, Ryuuen was pulling him along behind him, and only a few seconds later, they were stepping in through the bedroom doorway.  Despite the absence of anyone else in the house, Ryuuen pushed the door shut behind them; he even, Sai noticed with some amusement, hurried over to the bathroom door and pushed that closed, too, although he was fairly sure that the likelihood of anyone emerging from there was slim. 

And then...they stood.

Ryuuen stood with his back against the bathroom door, looking nervous despite his earlier protestations; Sai, meanwhile, waited in the center of the room, halfway between the bed and the door, unmoving and studying the other man.  Afternoon sunlight, bleached by the half-inch of snow on the ground, flooded in through the window, bathing the room in white light.  He knew that that light would shine on his hair, making him seem surrounded by a halo of light, and that it would glitter in his eyes, turning amber to burnished gold.  And yet, standing there, he found that he didn't care that the light flattered him, or that very soon, he was going to be exploring the body of the person he loved most in the world.  Strangely, none of that mattered to him at that moment. 

All that mattered, he found, was Ryuuen, and coaxing that unease and that fear from his features--making this special for him, something that he didn't have to be afraid of.  He wanted to make this something beautiful, something that joined them--not something that one wanted to do and the other just went along with.  No.  Something beautiful.  Something...perfect.

And the only way to do that, he knew, was to make Ryuuen feel comfortable.  He started to move towards the older man, taking slow, careful steps; Ryuuen's shoulders tensed slightly, and a flicker of anxiety touched his features. 

"It's all right," Sai told him softly.  "We don't have to rush into anything.  Here."  After covering the last of the distance between them, he brought his hands gently to Ryuuen's cheeks and rested them there.  "Here," he said again, very softly, "I'll just...kiss you.  Nothing to be afraid of there, right?  Just a kiss."

Ryuuen gave a slightly-shaky nod and tilted his face upward; Sai leaned in slowly, careful to keep his movements calm and unrushed, and pressed his lips very lightly to Ryuuen's own.  After only a moment of embrace, he drew back, letting his hands sink to Ryuuen's shoulders, and gave him a reassuring smile. 

"You can tell me to stop any time," he said firmly.  "I know I said that the last time, too, but this time, I'm trusting you to actually tell me if you want to stop."

"I-I will," Ryuuen said.  His voice sounded slightly breathy, as if he were having trouble drawing enough air into his lungs.  "Let's...let's just--"  His voice got smaller.  "Let's just go over there."  His head ducked towards the bed, the blankets a tangle that drooped off the edge of the mattress.

Nodding, Sai took him by the hands and led him to the bed; the younger man was the first to sit down, lowering himself gracefully onto the edge, and Ryuuen followed a moment afterwards.  Their shoulders touched, their fingers still intertwined.  They sat like that for few moments, leaning into each other, and then Ryuuen drew a deep breath, pushed himself a few inches backwards on the mattress, and pulled the sweatshirt up over his head.  And even with the new length of his hair, Sai found that it was something of a visual surprise, to see such soft, feminine features matched with a flat, smooth chest. 

Even so deep into winter, Ryuuen still possessed a terrible tan-line; over the years, Sai couldn't remember the smaller man ever having removed his shirt in public, even during occasions when swimming was involved.  Always, there was the concealing T-shirt, the shape of which was clearly visible on the man's body now.   

Sensing Ryuuen about to wrap his arms self-consciously around himself, Sai began to work at the buttons of his own pajama top, undoing them with forced slowness to let Ryuuen know that he wouldn't rush him.  After a moment, though, the older man slid forward and took over the task, shaky fingers rushing from button to button with barely a pause between.

Struck with sudden suspicion, Sai caught Ryuuen's fingers at the last button and, peering concernedly at the man's face, drew the small hand to his heart.  "Ryuuen, if you're just doing this to do it and get it over with, then sweetheart, that's not the right reason to do it.  Please don't do this if you're not entirely comfortable with it.  Please."  He brought a hand to that smooth cheek and caressed it gently.  "I've hurt you enough with this, haven't I?  Don't let me hurt you again."

But, Ryuuen shook his head.  "No," he said quietly.  And then, more firmly:  "No.  I want to do this, Sai.  I'm just..."  He shrugged, a jerky little motion.  "I-I'm just afraid, that's all.  I mean, the other time, it was okay if you didn't like it, because I wasn't really...well, into it, but this time...this time, if you don't like it..."

Before the smaller man could finish the sentence, Sai had scooted forward and pulled him into a hug.  "Honey," he breathed, "don't worry about that.  This is about you, all right?  Don't worry about me.  I'll be happy no matter what.  I promise." 

Apparently, Ryuuen suddenly realized that they were both naked from the waist up and touching, because he went very rigid; Sai was just preparing to release him, about to tell him that it was really all right, he clearly didn't want to do this, and they could try again some other time...when Ryuuen let out a long breath and relaxed into his embrace. 

It was an odd sensation, as if their flesh were somehow melting together, and he found himself leaning into it until he could feel Ryuuen's heartbeat racing against his own. 

"Are you sure?" he whispered into the smaller man's ear.  "Are you sure you want to do this?  I promise, I won't be angry."

Ryuuen slipped free of his embrace, leaving him feeling cold and strangely empty, but only a moment later, those rosy eyes were just in front of him.  And, he found with a smile, the sunlight made them even more beautiful than his own.

"I'm sure," Ryuuen said.  He was smiling. 

And then their lips met, and all other thought faded.  They had never invested much in french kissing, both finding the procedure messy and somewhat disgusting; now, they held to that code, but even so, there was something different in the embrace now.  It wasn't that it was more urgent, or more passionate, or even that they were doing anything much differently than always; it was just, simply, that this kiss was being done as a knowing prelude to more, and that knowledge ran through it like a tingle of electricity.  It seemed only a heartbeat later that Sai found himself on his back on the bed, Ryuuen a warm weight on top of him. 

Wanting the smaller man to be as comfortable as possible, Sai twisted gently to the right, letting Ryuuen slide onto the bed beside him; this done, Sai, now lying on his side, pulled Ryuuen to him and held him close.  They had slept like this so often, warm in each other's arms, that for a moment Sai almost forgot what lay ahead of them; he remembered, however, as Ryuuen tensed a bit, drew a preparatory breath, and then kissed him tentatively on the shoulder.  The small man looked up at him, then, an expression of near-fear on his features; Saihitei answered by rubbing slow, comforting circles on the man's back, and Ryuuen leaned down to kiss his bare skin again. 

He could feel Ryuuen trembling in his arms, knew that he was afraid and unsure, so he gripped the small shoulders and pulled the smaller man up a bit, just enough so their eyes were level.  Then, as those wide eyes blinked at him, he looped his fingers through Ryuuen's own and then leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. 

Ryuuen giggled, clearly taken aback at the suddenly-chaste embrace, and when the laughter faded, Sai found to his surprise that the trembles had stopped. 

"You're still you," Ryuuen whispered, staring up at him with wide, dark eyes.  "Us...  We're still the same.  This isn't...this isn't anything different, is it?  This is just...us."  He smiled, laughed, closed his eyes and shook his head and let a tear slide out.  "The other time, I just pretended that it was a dream, or that it was happening to somebody else.  It felt like we were both other people, Sai. It felt like everything was different.  But...but it's not, it's really not."  The smile widened, and Ryuuen opened his eyes.  "It's not."

They came together, then, melting into each other until it was difficult to decipher where one ended and the other began.  Exploration was slow and careful, and gentle above all things, and when Ryuuen was more comfortable with the warm little world that had closed in around them, Sai brought careful hands to the man's waist.  He let their gazes meet, then, seeking permission--Ryuuen gave it after only a heartbeat of hesitation, and then brought small fingers to the waistband of his pants and wriggled out of them. 

The winter sunlight bathed them in a white glow, making everything seem bright and surreal--but for once, Ryuuen knew that it was not a dream, that it was as rich and sharp a reality as ever existed.  Quite awhile later, lying warm and sleepy in Sai's arms, he was very glad that it was.

~*~