Jared
Disclaimer:
The following characters belong to CLAMP and are only borrowed for the fanfic.
Inner fears-something that we all are familiar with. Everyone, including me, the person that no one would ever relate the word fear with. Yet I do wonder, are my fears normal?
I really want to love her, and yet…I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection, to see sorrow and guilt written over her face, to hear her sweet voice tell me what I fear- I'm nothing more than a good friend to her.
I'm afraid to tell her how much I depend on her, how much I love her. Afraid to tell her that I've been helping her because I have an ulterior motive- that I've been helping her because of my own unquenchable desire to see her, be by her side. I want to be there for her, to be the shoulder that she cries on, her best friend. No, that can never be. That place is reserved for Tomoyo, and Tomoyo alone. Just as that special place in her heart is reserved only for that one person. Is there a place for me in her heart?
Each time I see her, I long to tell her how I really feel. Tomoyo encourages me lots. Yet does she really understand what that would mean? I'm almost afraid at what Tomoyo would do if she finds out. Will she still urge me to reveal my feelings to her if only she knew what that would mean? That, I cannot help but wonder.
The days slip past…how many days has it been since I first arrived? Has it truly been a year? Really, it's amazing how fast time flies. Soon….it'll be time. I really wish time wouldn't pass so quickly. If only Sakura wouldn't transform the cards so quickly. I know, it's selfish of me not to want her to change the Clow cards into Sakura cards, but each time a Clow card is transformed into a Sakura Card I know it's one step closer to that moment I dread.
It used to be one card at a time. Now, she's transforming them at a much faster rate. It was four yesterday. Kero's encouraging her, for the sooner she transforms them all, the more powerful she would get. Do I really want her to be powerful? Sometimes I wonder if I really do. Being powerful has its merits. It means that Sakura would be able to protect herself from those strange occurrences that have been springing up. Yet at the same time it means that Sakura would soon become stronger than me. My magic is no match for hers anymore. Am I still worthy of her?
Every time she cheerfully tells me of her latest achievement, I feel this really strange feeling. I'm not even sure what it is. It seems almost as though Sakura is changing the cards as quickly as she can so that she would be rid of me. It's impossible…isn't it? Sakura would never want me to leave…wouldn't she?
Today I just got news that she just transformed another four last night, and she did it without collapsing the way she used to. The time really is drawing near. If only I had the Time card, I would be able to do what my heart really wants me to. Even if it takes all the strength I possess, even if I collapse from exhaustion from using it for so long, I would still choose to freeze time and never let her transform another card. Or maybe the Return card would serve me as well. For me to go back in time and return to the very beginning.
Why did I have to discover my feelings so late? Why didn't I discover them earlier? If only I had, I would be able to spend more time with her. To think I wanted nothing more than to just capture all the Clow cards as soon as possible to get back to Hong Kong, away from her. Really, it's almost ironical.
Yet I can't help but wonder…if things had been different…would I still like her as much as I do now? Perhaps I would never really know.
Though I long to find out the truth about Sakura and me, I can't help but feel scared, terrified to say the least. I really am afraid that I'll find that what I believe to be love is nothing more than a mere crush, like the one I had for Yukito-san. What should I do? If I don't tell her, I'll never know how she feels. Yet can I tell her how I feel if I'm not sure of my own feelings myself? I really don't know.
Maybe if I go to sleep, everything will turn out fine tomorrow, maybe this will all be nothing more than a dream…maybe…maybe…I would never need to know.
I'm really sorry guys. I really was stumped as to how I ought to end it, and I think I was getting closer and closer to getting out of the original theme I had in mind- Syaoran's true fears, fear of rejection. Please, give me some advice on how I ought to improve. Thanks a million.