My Thanksgiving
Chapter 3: Send Me Back To Sunday School
A/N: More flashbacks…fun huh? Well I am going to warn all of you in advance, get out your Kleenexes it's going to be a hell of a ride. I am predicting six chapters, so only three more to go. Thanks to Angie for her awesome beta job, and just for her support; Ann, for keeping me going when I just want to stop; and to Marita, you're beta skills are awesome, only surpassed by your loving spirit and kind words, thanks for being there.
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Now the trouble with you and me, my friend,
Is the trouble with this nation.
Too many blessings, too little appreciation.
And I know that kind of notion—It just ain't cool.
So send me back to Sunday school.
Because I am tired of waiting for a reason to arrive,
It's to long we've been living,
These unexamined lives.
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She was breaking apart on the inside. Slowly but surely her heart was cracking into thousands of little pieces. Strewn about the floor they lay, ready for some aimless person to stomp on. Grissom in particular.
She had never expected to be sitting where she was, never expected to be contemplating her and Grissom's fragmented relationship.
~Maybe its just the lack of sleep.~ she thought to herself, wondering how she had ended up there, listening to the bells as they rung half past six. She could only vaguely recall the last time she had sat in church, those days now seeming so far away.
*******
The little girl stood joyfully at the front of the church, clutching her mother's hand. Organ music drifted through the enormous hall, filling her thoughts. Closing her eyes she let the music take over, relishing in its beauty.
"Catherine Elizabeth! Pay attention!" the girls' mother whispered harshly. Dutifully she obeyed, fixating on the ceremony going on in front of her.
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee…"*******
"….blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."
A small solitary tear slipped and fell freely down her cheek. She could not count the number of times she had repeated that prayer to herself over the course of the last few months. Wondering each night what new struggles the next day would bring.
She wasn't sure if she would be able to face Grissom next shift, or ever again for that matter. Why did things have to be so incredibly hard? Her entire life she had been struggling. With her parents. With Eddie. And now her own body seemed to want to turn against her.
Catherine was tired. Tired of fighting, of being strong and independent. Wanting with every breath to give in to all the pain.
What would she do if she got sick again? She knew she couldn't hide it forever. Grissom was right about one thing; eventually she would have to tell everyone. She prayed to God that day was far off, in a very distant future. In no way did she want to burden Brass or Nick , or anyone else for that matter, with her problems. They need not spend their time worrying about her.
But she had burdened Grissom with them. She had worried him, or at least she thought she had. Now she wasn't quite so sure.
********
Her leave-of-absence notice lay directly on the table behind her. She didn't want to give it to him, but she had no choice.
"Catherine, what are you doing?"
"Since when have my actions been any of your business?" She hadn't meant for her comment to come out so harshly. And now she couldn't take it back.
"Since you made me care about you," he replied, a small waver in his voice from having been somewhat fazed by her question.
For a moment there was silence as Catherine registered what he had said. She had no reply; all she could do was gaze at the man who had just bore a piece of his soul to her. It was a moment she had waited an entire friendship for, and yet it seemed to have come at the worst possible time.
"No… Grissom, don't do this. Please, not now," she pleaded softly, staring directly into his clear, ocean blue eyes.
"Don't do what?"
"This. Us. Trying to make us something that could never be."
"Catherine, I have no clue what you're talking about."
~There is no better time for it~, she thought to herself, knowing this was quite possibly the worst moment she could have chosen.
Snatching the paper off of the table, she handed it to him, allowing him time to thoroughly look it over.
"A leave-of-absence? Catherine…why?"
"It's…it's not what you think Grissom."
"Then what exactly is it? Are you not happy here? Is it something someone did? Or Eddie? We've known each other long enough that I thought we could confide in each other about certain things…not everything but—"
"It has nothing to do with CSI. Or Eddie. It's personal, and I would like it to stay that way, if you don't mind. Could you please just sign it?"
"Cath, you're being very cryptic."
"I learned from the best," she noted wryly, letting a small smile appear as she spoke.
He knew she was avoiding the question, and that scared her. He wasn't going to let her leave until he received an explanation. And the thought of that scared her even more.
"You know someone told me once, 'there is scarcity of friendships, but not of friends'."
His hand made it's way to hers, his fingers caressing it softly.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you… I just don't know how too. I guess I was hoping you would just…I don't know…just not question it. Why are you questioning it?" Desperately she wanted to get out of this potentially dangerous situation. But she found herself unable to let her gaze leave his; unable to take back her hand.
"Because I love—"
"Grissom," she caught him off guard, cutting his sentence off before he could complete it. "I'm sick… Acute Myelogenous Leukemia." Taking in a shaky breath she continued. "I need the time off…I don't know how much exactly…"
He did not answer. The look on his face spoke a thousand times louder than words ever could. Before she could speak again, he had pulled out a pen and fiercely signed his name on the dotted line.
"Don't tell anyone, please?" Averting her eyes toward the door, she could muster only a small voice.
Still he did not speak.
"I…um….I…Gil, thanks."
Her heels clacked against the hard tile floor as she slid out of the room. Checking back one last time at Grissom before leaving, his still form was in the same spot it had been in moments before. And it would remain there long after she was in her car, revving the engine, speeding away from CSI.
**********
Up until now, Catherine hadn't spoken to Grissom since that night. She had thought, hoped, even prayed that he would call; but he didn't. No visits to the hospital. No get well flowers on the doorstep. Not even a damn card in the mail. Nothing.
Didn't he realize he was her life support? Her reason to keep on fighting?
Yes, she had Lindsey, and yes she worried everyday what it would be like for her child to grow up without her mother; but she still had so many unsaid things left to say to Grissom. So much uncharted territory to feel out.
"Cat….?"
Only he would call her that. Only he was allowed to call her that. Instinctively she knew it was him.
"Can we please just talk?"
Tears were streaming down her face now. Should she turn around and face him? Could she? ~God he smells so good.~ she thought as she tried to fight back the tears. ~ He followed me here, he found me.~
Trembling she got up, ran to him, and wrapped herself in his embrace. For once feeling safe from the demons that haunted her.
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I've got great expectations
I've got family and friends
I've got satisfying work
I've got a back that bends
For every breathe, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving
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To be continued….
Note: I am personally not Catholic and though it's not a huge part of the story, I did use my creative liscense concerning that issue. I was told that MH in life is catholic so it makes sense for me to write her character that way.