Harvest of the Soulless
By Poe
Chapter Five: All the Chaos Within
"The stars,
Can't you see how bright they are?
I shout to the skies,
And everyone can feel my joy.
Rags of elation are bound to my soul,
Life is falling out of its shell,
I can do nothing but be happy.
Will you be happy with me?"
I kissed him and he held me as though he was hungry for me. I loved Vegeta; I loved every part of him and every flaw. Parts of me screamed for me to stop, I could not love him, it was forbidden. I could not continue this; it would only cause me pain. I would wake up and he would've consumed me and then for months I would be wracked with guilt and obsession. What if I became pregnant? I had to think about the consequences of my actions, but all I thought of was him.
But I had waited to long for this. Trunks had never kissed me like that, Vegeta was so lonely and desired somebody else so much, he made me loose my inhibitions and forget what my parents had warned me about. But, truly, I was the lonely one. Perhaps if I had loved Trunks the way I loved Vegeta, this would've happened as well.
I forgot about Bra, Bulma, and my father. I forgot about the shock of seeing them together. I forgot about how angry I was, an anger that had stemmed from hurt. In fact, I forgot about pain. Us, together, was so sudden it stole my unhappiness and helplessness and gave me a different sort of fragility. It did give me so much more, although in the process I did not look to see what it was steeling away.
The past few days became a blur. The Briefs family was just Vegeta, and I was someone else. No one had broken into my room, no one had told me something only for me to discover something else as shocking. No one had torn my father's marriage to pieces. I couldn't deceiver events from a day that was once a day, but now was just a blur. To me, none of it existed.
It was strange how just one incident could make me forget about everything. Just a kiss and all of a sudden, I had no more problems. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't lonely, I had everything I could have. I loved Vegeta that much. There was just one line, one moment of time passing, and all of a sudden I was the happiest girl who ever lived. And looking back on the months in which I thought I was dead, I realized I was only waiting.
Now, finally, I was alive.
I was born and I had to have it all. I took Vegeta and made him mine, and devoured him like he devoured me. I didn't think about his little speech on instinct and how that was the only reason why we were together, I believed in much more than that. I believed we were meant for each other, and that even though it felt so wrong that we were progressing so fast, that it was all right.
And yet, only moments ago I discovered something that should've made my world fall apart. I should've been broken and unable to do anything but cry. And admittedly, I was at first when the news finally hit me. But now I didn't care. Not now, with my love manifesting, finally in physical form. No longer just a dream, no longer just a poem on paper. Now it was us together, it was everything it should be.
He made me forget about the disaster that happened only moments ago. He intoxicated me, he filled me with more want and love than I could've had even in my loneliest moments without me. Everything was happening at once, things I normally avoided and stayed away from with Trunks, but now I embraced. He made me forget about Trunks and how I was still committed to him, but instead made me throw away my fidelity as my father had done with Bulma. He made me commit a hypocritical and dirty act and he made me want to.
He said he wouldn't stop, and he didn't. I didn't want him to, because I was no longer me. I was the girl who loved Vegeta, not the girl who was dating Trunks. I wasn't the girl whose father was cheating on her mother with her boyfriend's mother, and I wasn't the girl whose best friend had a crush on her father. I wanted to be a woman all over again, as I had wanted so much before.
I'll admit that the age difference scared me. I felt like a little girl with him, and he was so much of a man. He was raw, seemingly unfettered, and fearless. I wanted to be courageous and mature, but instead I was just the opposite. I wasn't 18, a legal adult, I was back at 14. I was back to the time when I didn't know anything about male-female relations in general and when I had a girlish crush on someone I thought I could never have. Only now it was Vegeta instead of Trunks. But this moment was all about leaving past identities behind. It was about becoming someone else.
It wasn't about inhibitions.
It was about revenge and need, and getting lost in the moment. It was us and no one else except the people at the back of our mind. The people we left behind. I knew damn well he was using me for instinct reasons and to get back at Bulma. And I was using him as well. He knew this, and he might've even cared. But it didn't matter. It was him and I and all the chaos within, and that was all.
We left everything and forgot about the world, and for that there were consequences. We knew it, but we ignored it. Instead, he pushed me to the floor.
He gave me something to remember.
Everything had to end, and it ended with the sunrise. I felt that nagging guilt seep in and I ignored it. I knew I shouldn't have done what I did before I did it; what was the point of regretting it? For now, I had to go back to where I belonged. But it would be hard, knowing my father would be their waiting for me.
Unfortunatly, things fully deteriorated once I arrived home. The house was shaded, a somber object in the distance. I approached it and thought about what I had left behind. I felt like someone else that entire day; with events happening to me that weren't supposed to. My father, Bra, Bulma, and most importantly, Vegeta, all turned me into a girl I never knew. Betrayal, hurt, anger, and everything else I could stomach before being unable to feel ever again. I was a puppet for my emotions, operating on hate and disgust and seeking what we all do.
Comfort.
No, nothing had happened. I was the same. This was just a dream, with meaningless events that would only cause me pain in reality. All of this was unimportant and I would open the door and be told that it was just a… misunderstanding?
I shook my head as I continued to approach the door. Hadn't I only told myself that earlier the same thing, only to find my worst fears come true? This was true. I was different than I had been yesterday, because my father had been a jerk and I had turned to Vegeta, thinking he could make me happy. I did it, I committed myself to him and gave him everything I had and received little or nothing in return. Vegeta didn't love me, my father didn't love me, and no matter how much I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, I was alone. A loneliness possessed me that Trunks or anyone else could not cure.
There was no one in the world but me.
The sun was rising and it cast its rays over the earth, but my house remained a bulky shadow obstructing the horizon. I was at the door now; my arm was raised to knock on the door. It just felt like the right thing to do, even though my parents could detect ki. I knocked, and words entered my head. Vegeta's words. The sound of my fist against the wood made me thing of him because it was solid and cold, covered in shadow. A strange thing, but I was strange, so it made sense to me.
"You're not bad for a little girl," he had said. My heart hadn't shattered, because I was already broken. He had said this with such lechery in his voice, he was more perverse than I had imagined. I didn't respond, of course, only glared. This was how he repaid me. After I gave him a piece of me, he treated it as though it was something common and filthy. In the end, however, he was right.
I was just a little girl…
My father opened the door at once and I jumped a little. I was lost in my thoughts and I had forgotten why I had gone there. I looked at him, with his worried eyes and arm gripping the door with enough restraint so as not to tear it off the frame. There was no guilt in him, not a trace of it was evident in his eyes. I felt my own form a glare as I remembered why I had bothered to come home.
"Pan, where were you? Why were you with Vegeta?"
"What? No 'hello' or 'good morning'?" I said sarcastically.
"What were you doing with Vegeta?"
"Him and I had a little talk," I said coldly.
"Is this about Bulma and I?"
"Bulma? You're still wound up about that whore? I can assure you, you won't be for long."
"Pan," he said, removing his hand from the door to grip my arm, "Don't call her that. And why don't you believe that what we have is forever?"
"Have you loved her since you were a little boy? Has she been your obsession?"
He frowned. "I don't see what that has to do with anything, but yes, I have loved her for a long time."
"Vegeta explained to me something very interesting."
"Oh, so you were talking."
My glare deepened and I stepped inside. I wondered how he could no me so well, but I was determined to not let it show. "I'm tired, and I'm not going to engage in any pointless conversation. I'm going to go upstairs and sleep."
His grip on my arm tightened. "Pan, why are you always running away from things? We're not finished and you've brought up something very disturbing."
"What? Your affair with Bulma? Have you even told mother yet?"
He let go of my arm and looked helpless. "I plan to; you know that much about me. I hate being dishonest, but I love Bulma too much to stay away from her."
"Why do you make it sound like everything you do is so justified and perfect? You cheated on my mother, and you don't love Bulma! You only think you do, and you're wrong."
"You keep saying that I don't love Bulma. Don't you think that's denial?"
I scoffed and walked towards the stairs. "You know less than you think you do."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he said, genuinely confused, "And come back here, I haven't finished talking with you."
I spun around, arms planted on my hips. "How much do you like Bra?"
"Bra?"
"Yes, Bra. How much do you like her?"
"She's a child!"
"Do you think she's pretty?"
"I'm old enough to be her father!"
"Do you think she's attractive?"
"Why are you asking me this? Does this have something to do with her saying she liked me?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Then what does it have to do with? Why these questions?"
"Trust me, you wouldn't understand." I turned around again. I could almost see the look of frustration on his face. I ignored him and didn't reflect on the brief but informative conversation we had just had. Instead, I wondered how we hadn't woken up my mother. In some ways, I wish she had woken up and run down, asking what was going on. Then I could betray my father like he betrayed me.
I walked up the stairs and wished I couldn't think or feel ever again. I wished I was just something emotionless, something like Vegeta had always wanted to be. I never wanted to feel pain even if it meant the capacity to feel happiness. Why? Because I thought I could never be happy. I was hopelessly lost and there was no one I could find to guide my way.
Not even Vegeta could help me now.
Not now, not ever.