Harvest of the Soulless

By Poe

Chapter 6: When No One Else Will

"I remembered only

 the pieces of me you threw away.

I will be remembered as conquered

As tamed

And there is nothing left in me to kill."

            I went to my bed and threw myself on it. I landed onto the mattress, the bed frame creaking with my weight. I fell into a sea of anguish; water crashing into me at all ends. There were so many problems, and in trying to deal with them, I had created so much more. I knew I shouldn't have turned to Vegeta for comfort, I shouldn't have run away, and I certainly shouldn't have come to my room instead of talking it over with my father.

            Hot tears streamed down my face and I bunched up the covers in clenched fists. So much pain was raw in me, eating away every moment. Guilt was present in me more than ever, and I had a talent for making problems seem like they were all my fault. Vegeta was my fault, that was for certain. Turning to him to heal my pain was one of the biggest mistakes I could've made. What if I was pregnant? Did he have any gross, alien diseases he picked up from his lonely travels across space?

            Truthfully, those were the least of my worries. I was in too much pain to worry about other things, especially the problems that were actually my fault. I had to solve the problem of my father and Bulma, a problem I needed to confront. There I was, running away from everything, and engaging in dangerous and hurtful acts to rid my pain. It was so childish, and the more I sat on that bed and whined about it, the more childish it would become.

            But before I went straight back down to confront my father once more, I remembered something interesting. My tears had stopped only moments ago, so I sat up and brushed them away briskly. This seemed important, perhaps I had to think about it. When we first met up in the forest, Vegeta had mentioned something about Saiyan instinct. He said that a Saiyan would always chose a Saiyan before another race to have children with in order to keep the blood pure. He called it instinct, but it sounded like honor. My grandfather had been pretty happy with my grandmother, was Vegeta saying that their relationship was defying the nature of the Saiyan species? This meant that Trunks and Vegeta would unavoidably be drawn to me, and my uncle and father drawn to Bra? It made sense, and yet it sounded so much like an excuse.

            It did, however, explain why I liked Trunks. The reason I stopped liking him could be that I found Vegeta as a possible relationship and then liked him far more because his blood was purer. Still, it sounded like Vegeta was just using that to get me into bed. But why would he choose me, "a little girl", to take advantage of? And this theory sounded like it had scientific backing.   

            I could ask Bulma or Trunks about it, but it wasn't as though I was too enthusiastic about seeing them. They were caught in the spiral of my problems, unbeknownst to Trunks, and I wasn't keen on confronting issues. I was perfectly happy running away from the world, and turning to solutions just wasn't on my repertoire.

            Unfortunately, I had to talk to my father. There were many things I "had to" do, but this one was affecting me as I thought of this. It was a brittle, nagging pain that would continue unless I spoke to him. My father had wounded and shocked me and all I had done was deny it and run away, and this bothered me. Sure, it had only been that morning that all of this had happened, but I hadn't done my well-earned yelling spree at him. Arguing with him would be a relieving thing, I realized.

            I hoisted myself so my legs were dangling off the edge of the bed. My eyes wandered across the paintings I had done in my depression, lacking in talent but strong in emotion. So much pain, and now things were hitting at once. Could the end be near? If I forgave my father and moved on, which wouldn't be any time soon, and actually had a relationship with Vegeta, which was unlikely but possible, could the depression finally be gone?

            As usual, I was thinking too far ahead. I was still angry and charged for an argument with my father. My feet landed on the floor and my fists tightened. I was going to give my father a piece of my mind for the piece of my happiness he stole away. If he was going to defy me and do whatever he wanted, he was toying with the wrong girl. By being my father he had sworn a silent oath, and part of that oath was not to turn his back on my mother.

            I stormed over to the door, put my hand on the cold doorknob, and swung it open so hard it nearly broke off its hinges. He had hurt my mother and I and it didn't matter if he was my father or not. I wasn't going to put up with it. The sadness I had felt only a minute ago had all turned to anger and rage, directed to so many things but mostly my father.

            Facing the hallway in front of me, I started forward and then made a left at the stairs. I saw my father at the bottom of the stairs, and stopped to catch the expression on his face. Pensive, distraught, all the things I expected him to be. He had noticed me, but he didn't look. He was shamed.

Good, I thought, let him die in his shame.

            "What were you thinking?" I said, anger evident in my voice. He saw it coming. He knew I would race up the stairs, engage in a brief inner conflict, and then come straight back down to confront him. He was my father; he knew me too well.

            "You slept with Vegeta, didn't you?" he said, still not looking at me.

            "What?" I exclaimed, shocked that he had seen through me, "How can you ask me that?"

            My question was answered, even though it was rhetorical. "Because I care about you, Pan," he said, turning around to face me, "The fact that I love Bulma doesn't change that. I know you're hurt, you have every reason to be, and it hurts me too because you're my daughter."

            "I'm your daughter? Well maybe you should've considered me our your wife before you went out and got together with my boyfriend's mother! If you really love and care for me like you should, than you wouldn't have done something as sick as you did! And maybe, if you cared about me, you would've realized that I've been depressed for the longest time."

            "I knew that you were depressed Pan, I just didn't know what to do," he confessed.

            "Oh, and I suppose having an affair on my mother would solve that problem."

            "I told you, I love Bulma."

            "Don't say that!" I shouted, enraged, "You can't tell me one thing so I can here someone I trust say something else. Who the hell am I supposed to believe?"

            Confusion spread on his face. "What are you talking about?"
            "Vegeta told me that your instinct says that a Saiyan will always chose another Saiyan over a human. You aren't happy with my mother because she isn't Saiyan, and you only think that being with Bulma will solve that."

            His confusion turned to horror. "Vegeta told you this?"

            "Yes."

            "And who does that mean I'm supposed to be with? Bra?"

            "Theoretically…"

            "Pan, do you actually believe him?"

            "You've obviously proved how perverted you are, so what difference does it make if you are with Bra?"

            "She's a child!" he exclaimed, frustrated.

            "And I'm a child, and Vegeta sure seemed to want me."

            "Vegeta just told that story to you so you could sleep with him, do you really trust that man?"

            My eyes narrowed. "I don't know who to trust. And anyway, it makes sense."

            "Why?"

            "Because I liked Trunks, and then I liked Vegeta. He's so much older than me, I always have crushes on normal guys. And my feelings were so strong… Oh, never mind, it's not like you'll understand."

            "You grew up with Trunks, and Vegeta, well, he was there. You're probably just confusing your feelings with something else."

            I crossed my arms across my chest. "I love Vegeta."

            He stopped, and looked me up and down. I wondered why I was confessing everything to him now, and so soon. "You love him?"

            "Do you believe me?"

            He sighed. "It's possible."

            "Whatever happened to 'you're just a child', or 'you do know what love is'?"

            "Because I found love and it's different than anything I expected it to be. Who knows, you might really love him."

            "He doesn't love me, what does it matter?"

            "If you knew he didn't love you, then why did you sleep with him?"

            "I never said I did!"

            "Don't lie, Pan."

            "Lie? You don't want me to lie? What have you been doing for the past few months? You're not exactly Mr. Honesty either, you know."

            He sighed and sat down again. "So you did sleep with him."

            "Fine, yes, I did! In the forest after I left and he followed me! No protection, nothing. I just went for it because you hurt me, and I trusted you. I thought you were innocent and I was strange because I was depressed and you were happy. But you aren't happy are you? You're just as miserable as me. And Bulma, no matter how much you think she loves you, can't change that. You're stuck being unhappy until you at least apologize for doing what you did to me."

            My father looked at me with fearful and shocked eyes. "You won't do it again, will you?"

            "You're missing the point! And damnit, you keep changing the subject!"

            "Please tell me you won't do it again."

A glare cast over my face, a shadow. I feel the glare pour over inside to darken my dreams and sicken me to the core. Yes, I finally understood what it meant.

Family loves you when no one else will.

"I'll do what I want to and you can't stop me. That's just the kind of attitude you had with Bulma, and I learn from the best. If you really hate me being with Vegeta, then you can stop hurting me and see what happens."

I was ready to storm out the door. It hadn't even been five minutes and already I was so angry.  My father grabbed my arm, predicting I would. I suppose he was used to seeing me try to run away.

"You act like Bulma and I are a mistake, but we're not. I'm sorry it hurts you, I really am, but I can't say that I shouldn't have been with Bulma."

"And what about Vegeta and I? Is that a mistake?" I exclaimed, jerking my arm away.

"Yes, of course! He gave you this lecture about Saiyan "instinct" to try to get you in bed with him and you think your relationship with him means something?"

"No!" I yelled, tears that were meaning to escape finally flooding my eyes, "Guys do that to beautiful girls, and I'm just a tomboy. I thought I was wrong for liking him, I thought he only like really attractive girls, but he made everything seem right and…"

"You don't think you're beautiful?" My father said, in a bit of shock. I glared at him.

"What does it matter, anyway?"

"It matters to you! You slept with Vegeta because of it!"

"There's more to it than just that!" I exclaimed.

"Do you realize what danger you've put yourself in?"

"I don't care! I hate living, what do I care if I get some disease or…"

"Become pregnant? What about then?" he said, concern thick in his voice.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't have a problem with abortion if the baby's really young, not even a baby."

"Pan, you're young. You shouldn't be doing this."

"And you're married! I can't listen to this, you're being a hypocrite!"

He put his hands up. "I can't control everything you do, I know that. Just please use protection…"

"Aren't you following? It's not going to happen again. Vegeta probably thought of me as just some one-night stand and I don't know why you're making a big deal out of this. The big deal is you and Bulma, something that's ruining my already messed-up life."

His face fell. "I didn't know it affected you that much. I knew it would hurt you, but I thought that you would be ok."

"How could you say that? Don't you see what you're doing to me?"

"Pan…" he said, touching my shoulder with that fallen look lingering on his face.

"Don't. Just don't try to play victim, don't even act like it."

"I wasn't, I'm worried about you," he said, sincerely.

"I don't care. You're supposed to be there for me, not betray me and then be surprised when I just don't bounce right back." I turned away, trying to hide the tears that had reformed in my eyes. The walls began to blur as I thought of all the horror I had endured at his expense.

He didn't say anything, and I was glad. Talking to him surfaced so much pain; I wanted to run back to my room and cry. I stood firm, waiting for the moment when I could leave without it seeming like I was running away from him. I was, but I didn't care anymore. I was thinking so many negative things about myself, just one more thing…

"Do you really love him?" he said, and it caught me by surprise.

"What?"

"Vegeta. Do you love him?"

"Why are you changing the subject?"

He sighed. "I want to know."

"I… I think so. Unless his whole theory thing is right."

"Theory? Oh, that. 'Instinct', you called it."

"He called it."

My father shook his head in frustration. He sighed, scratched behind his head absent-mindedly, the whole time I stared at him in confusion. He really didn't believe me, did he?

"You've been dying to go to your room this whole conversation, haven't you?"

"What? No! And why do you keep changing the subject?"

He laughed. "Go ahead, go to your room. I don't think we're getting anywhere anymore."

"I don't want to, I want to talk!" I lied, crossing my arms. How did he know me so well?

My father laughed again and ruffled my hair. "Pan, you can go."

"Hey!" I said at his hair ruffling, "I'm mad at you, you can't treat me like a child!"

He put up his hands. "Fine, fine. You're not a child," he said, more just to stop me from arguing with him, "But look. I'm sorry for hurting you. I care about you, ok?"

"And I'm supposed to forgive you? Just like that?" He shrugged.

"Your uncle has."

"Uncle Goten would forgive you for anything in a second!"

"And you're my daughter. What happened to all the mercy genes?"

"Can't you ever be serious? Two seconds ago we were arguing, and now you're making jokes?"

"Come on Panny, lighten up!" he said, smiling.

I let out a frustrated groan and rolled my eyes. "You lecture me on Vegeta, tell me you and Bulma aren't a mistake, and then to lighten up? You don't honestly expect me to do what you say, do you?"

He shrugged again. "I guess not. Although I imagined Videl would have an obedient kid…"

"Obedient? Don't get me started!"

My father laughed. "I've learned that years ago, believe me."

I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped when I caught sight of the shine in his eyes that always showed up when he started to laugh. I was supposed to be mad at him, and yet I was such a flawed person I could hardly complain. I was angry, to say the least, but sometimes I just couldn't find it in me. He was just like a child sometimes, innocent and trusting.

I remembered years ago, all the fun we would have together. The trips to the beach were just some of them. He was always spoiling me, much to my mother's dismay, and my father was my comfort whenever I had some trivial childhood dilemma or problem.

And now he was the source of some of my problems, and the root of others. Things were becoming easier to believe, but this was one of the harder ones. How could my father, someone I loved dearly, become my enemy so quickly? He used to be there for me, I would come running to him to cry and confess my problems, but now it was he I was running away from. My father had become someone I never knew before, and had turned me into someone else as well. Had he simply fallen prey to Bulma's "charms" that had originally captured Vegeta, or was this a hidden him he had never shown to me before? Was there someone else under that innocent exterior?

We all have dark secrets, I suppose. That's why you can't trust anyone, and often times you find it hard to trust yourself. But could these mistakes, so deep and inflicting, be forgiven? Was that the answer, or should I seek retribution? Mercy and vengeance… two things that were so different, they could be confused as the same. Would one of these things prove to be some kind of answer to a question, or maybe all of them?

I looked at my father's smile and sighed.

I could only wait.