Bram Stoker's Alucard Chapter 2!
(Journey to Transylavnia, another corny name)

Seras: Hello Miss Teleute! (waves hand)

Teleute:(puts a finger in her lips) Ssshhh

Seras: Sorry

Teleute: Is Integra still pissed by the drug incident?

Seras: Uhmmm mmmm...

Integra: (furious glare) What do you think?

Teleute: (nervous smile) Oh, hi 'Gra, I didn't see you, he he

Integra: (livid) SHUT UP! WHERE IS HE?!!! WHERE DID YOU HIDE HIM!?

Teleute: Who?

Integra: Don't play dumb with me! You know exactly *who* I'm talking about! The bastard priest who not only dared to drug me but also nearly *kissed* me!!!!!! I'm the Virgin of Steel and he's a bloody priest!!!!!!!!

Teleute: Calm down, you can't kill him until the movie is over. Besides you'll go to jail... or might have a problem with the Vaticans guys. Why don't you do something embarassing in return instead? (mischivous grin)

Integra: (raises an eyebrown) Like what?

(Teleute gets closer and whispers something at her ear)

Integra: He what?!!! Really!!??

(Teleute nods)

Integra: (evil grin) I see...

Alucard: See what, master?

(Integra whispers into his ear)

Alucard:(smirks) Soooo, he had a dirty and slimier side even!

(Kim appears with her cameraman)

Kim: (holding a microphe) What's his secret, Sir Integra?

Integra: (sends her a cold glare) None of your business...

Kim: The citizens have the right to know about the Paladin's dirty secrets!

Maxwell:(appears surrender by a hundred of priest-bodyguards) What are you talking about?

Integra:(confident smile) Oh, hello Maxweeeeeell

Maxwell: (surprises) Aren't you mad at me?

Integra: Not any more... I just discovered something *VERY* interesting...

Maxwell: What?

Teleute: Maxwell don't stand there as an idiot and go to change NOW!

Maxwell: Ok, don't pressure me. I don't do a good job under stress

Alucard: Really? Then you must be underpressure everytime in your pathetic excuse of life, priest

Teleute: Shut up! Not all of us are inmortal Alucard, so I want to start soon to not delay 100 years in finish the bloody parody!! And I am growing tired of your arguments

Walter: Everything is already set, Miss Teleute

Teleute: Thanks Walter. Now, silence in the set, 3,2,1 Action!


Walter: (typing)

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

T R A N S Y L V A N I A

MIDDAY
(On a Train Maxwell writes in his journal, err types in his computer to update his blog)

ENRICO MAXWELL'S GREAT GREAT JOURNAL, 25th May, Buda-Pesth:
Dear Diary, Left Buda-Pesth early this morning, v. sleepy, really boring... The impression I had was that we were leaving the west and entering the east and there weren't any good flower shops, where I was supposed to buy some flowers to impress peaple?. There's nonewhere this damned land when I could buy my trademark yellow roses, darn I should have pick pink carnations instead of yellow roses, easier to find and plus they're cheapier. But gladly the peaple was more easy to fool..., errr I mean the country peaple tend to be more trustworthy, he he. They made some donations to the church, unfourtunaly since I fear the thieves in this lands, I had to spend it in a portrait of myself and the countryside. I was desolate... *snif* GO ME!
The district I am to enter is in the extreme east of the country, just on the borders of three states--Transylvania, Moldavia and Bukovina, in the midst of the Carpathian Mountains, one of the wildest and least known portions of Europe, blah, blah. blah...
I don't know why in the name of the Pope I keep writing this bloody diary as I was teaching a lesson of geography. Just boring... Must be all that *blood of Christ* I keep drinking, he he. Well since I don't have anything better to do I will read the fre... err client's letter, apparently he didn't know how to send an e-mail. Idiot. Is that or pray.

Mood: Boring

(He opens and reads the letter)

LETTER FROM COUNT ALUCARD TO ENRICO MAXWELL: My 'friend'...
Welcome to the Carpathians. We are thirstly... I mean I am anxiously expecting you. At the Borgo Pass, my carriage will await you and bring you to me. Be puntual or it will leave you at the mercy of very hungry wolves... I trust your journey from London has been a happy one and you didn't screw up as the idiot you are.
Your client, A. (What you'll be expecting? I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND)

Ps: I know your secret he he he

(Maxwell glups)

INTEGRA HELLSING'S DIARY (CIGARS' SMOKE), 25th May: Jonathan at last have make himself useful and got an important assignment. And has been gone almost a week. Freedom! He's always complaining about me smoking cigars.Idiot. And, although I was disappointed that he didn't departure before, but well better later than never. I am longing to hear all the news, specially the bad and embarasing ones. I don't think what is so great in seeing another countries, England is the best place in the world!. Uhmm but certanly some countries crime laws aren't so strict like here... I wonder if we, I mean Jonathan and I, shall ever see them together? And which one of us will return of that trip...

Ps: I know his secret

Mood: None of your business

Teleute: Cut! Well all the diaries were OOC and I really don't think that they have computers in the XIX century, but you don't try to kill each other or *did* kill someone (looks to Integra who sends her a cold glare). That means were progressing in getting to the right script!

All: (groans)

Teleute: Well we... (notices Alucard speaking at Seras's ear, while pointing to Maxwell)

Seras: (giggles) Really, Master?

Alucard: (smirks)

Maxwell: ...

(Seras runs towards Walter)

Teleute: Okay, peaple, silent in the set! 3,2,1 Action!

Walter (who just finished his chat with Seras types)

NIGHTFALL
Borgo Pass
Enrico Maxwell disembarks from a coach
(By the way, I know his secret too)

Maxwell:(yawns) We're early, driver. No one is here. And he told ME about being in time, he's not a gentleman, such as I am (smug smile)

(A fellow passenger (Flesh) tries hand Harker a crucifix, who looks a lot like a mini-camera)

Kim (weird language): For the dead travel as fast as the news!

Maxwell: Sorry, but I do want some privacy. This is a mini-camera

Kim: (shocks expression) What are implying that we want to film some gore vampires' feeding for the sake's of the rating?!

Maxwell: Yes

Kim: (angry) Fine, have it in your way! This is a act against press freedom! The peaple want to see the bloocksuckers in action!

(Kim hits Maxwell with her microphe who lands in the floor. Leave in mercy of the wolves)

Maxwell:(mumbles) Maybe I should have pray instead of reading that letter...

(A wolf tries to attack him, but Maxwell screams as a baby and scares the wolf away but he doesn't get that far, Maxwell's bodyguards rushes in and stars to shot the poor wolves)

Teleute: Cut! All of you get way of the set, right NOW!

(Everyone start to move away)

Teleute: Not you Maxwell!

Maxwell: But you said...

Teleute: Don't get cocky with me! Now move your ass and go back to your possition! 3,2,1 Action!


(The passenger coach speeds away as Alucard's coach approaches The coachdriver bids Maxwell to enter and sit down)

Maxwell: Wait a minute! Someone must carry my lugbage and that wont be me!

Coachdriver: ...

Maxwell: And you're supposed to be earlier I nearly got eat by wolves!

Coachdriver: ...

Maxwell: I refuse to go with someone so irresponsable. Besides, your coach is dirty!

(Croachdriver fakes a wolf' owl, a scare Maxwell rushes in without thinking twice)

(The coach speeds away)

Maxwell: I say, is the castle far?

Coahdriver: ...

Maxwell: (pisses) Are you deft or the wolf ate your tongue!? Stupid freak!

Coachdriver: ...

(The coach speeds up a narrow crag toward Dracula's castle, Maxwell goes forward for the speeding. Then, it passes through a circle of blue fire.
Maxwell is thrown in the courtyard by an unknown force. Then his lungbage lands in his head and passes away)

Coachdriver: I WASN'T SUPOSSED TO SPEAK YOU BLOODY MORON!

(Maxwell wakes up, with a BIG headache, and gets up)

Maxwell:(weeps) My drawing! Stupids barbarians! I should have stay in England!

(As Maxwell approaches the castle doors, they swing open, an episode 10-bondage-Alucard bearing a lantern enters the chamber)

Alucard: Do you have a nice trip? He he. This is my home, steal anything and you're doom. Err I mean: Enter freely of your own will and leave all the holy things you bring.

(Alucard points to a corner who has the sign: 'Unwanted Holy objects'. Maxwell leaves his cross and handpocked bible)

Alucard: You have sacred wine in that bottle, leave it

(Maxwell curses and mumbles something about how necesary is the blood of Christ)

Maxwell: So you're Count Dracula?

Alucard: (insane grin) I am Dracula, and I bid you welcome, Harker, to my house. Come in.

(Maxwell hesitases)

Alucard: Oh, come in. What are scare of? That I would bite you?

Maxwell: Well, yes

Alucard: INSIDE NOW!

(Maxwell steps over the threshhold Alucard leads him into the dining room)

Alucard: You will, I trust, excuse me that I do not join you but I have already dined and I never drink...wine since the time I got drunk and I woke up in a church. Horrible expirience. Not that I care about you anyways, you're just a burden.

(Maxwell begins to eat. He motions toward a portrait on the wall)

Maxwell: An ancestor? I see a resemblance. Both ungly and freaky

Alucard:(speech mode) The Order of the Dracul...the Dragon...an ancient society pledging my forefathers to defend the church against all enemies of my Master, errr Christ. The order got off rid all the trash in this world! But sadly work-relationships don't work out too well.

Maxwell: (snickering) Oh, yes, they must be got tired about the freaky bondage's fashion.

(Alucard angrily grabs his Jackal, swings it overhead and points the forehead at Maxwell)

Alucard: LISTEN TO ME, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING! DID I MEAN THAT TO BE FUNNY? SHUT UP AN LISTEN THEN! We Draculs have a right to be proud. What devil or witch was ever so great as Attila whose blood flows in these veins? Blood is too precious a thing in these times, since the inflation the cost are too high now in all the Carpatos' zone!. Back to the importand: Me. I am the last of my kind, wich is much better than yours! The warlike days are over. The victories of my great race are but a tale to be told. Isn't that speech, great? Oh, I often surprise myself!

Maxwell:(rolls eyes) I have offended you with my ignorance, Count. Forgive me. Here a yellow rose... (sly smile)


LATER
The Library at Castle Alucard

(Alucard affixes his seal (a cool five point star) to the deed of purchase)

Alucard: (speech mode again) I do so long to go through the crowded streets of your mighty London, to be in the midst of the whirl and the rush of humanity, to share its life, its changes, its deaths. Not that I would die, only the weak die! I'm above that (fang-showing smirk)

(Maxwell, rolling his eyes, affixes his signature to the deed)

Maxwell: There. You, Count, are the owner of Carfax Abbey in Purfleet. Congratulations. Here more roses to celebrate (hands him a bouquet of yellow roses)

(Alucard takes the roses and eats them)

Alucard: Your firm writes most highly of your talents. They say you are a man of good taste and that you are a worthy substitute to your predescessor, Mr. Renfield, a freak pshycho. But now I see that they truly exaggerate in that... Maybe they didn't see you as the coward you're.

Maxwell: (infurates) You may rely on me, Count, he he. Forgive my curiosity but why 10 houses in such precise locations around London? Is it to raise the market value? Or you are going to open a bondage night club?

Alucard:(fangs showing) None of your business. And if you mention my bondage again I'm going to make you eat those sissy roses of yours... And of course deveal your naughty secret, he he.

Maxwell:(nervous) Errr

Teleute: Cut! Cut! Cut! Alucard! How many times I have to tell you!

Alucard:(grins) To follow the script? No many enough... This is boring I want to kill somebody!

Teleute: Just follow your lines and I promise that in my other fic you'll have 'fun'

Integra: Just do it Alucard! Read and act! Is an order!

Alucard: As you wish, Master. And I hope your other fic will get bloody for my tastes...

Teleute: It'll. Now silence in the set! 3,2,1 Action!

(Alucard picks up Maxwell's photograph of Integra, who is frowning and smoking a cigar)

Alucard: Do you believe in destiny, that even the powers of time can be ordered to a single purpose? Neither do I, everyone has a free choice. Of course someone are too proud to choose the best ways because of some stupid duty... But due to continue the stupid script I have to add, the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds a true master to serve... and love...

Maxwell: You found Mina. I thought she was lost, oh well you can't live of a fantasy. We're to be married as soon as I return. Are you married, Count?

Alucard: (no answer)

(Alucard's shadow turnes in to a hound shadow who bit off the head of Maxwell's shadow)

Maxwell: Is the a deft problem in the East? I hope is not contagious... Are you married?! Of course not, who could be married to a bondage freak as yourself!

(Alucard resists the urge to kill Maxwell)

Alucard: I was married once...ages ago it seems. She died.

Maxwell: Oh, I'm very sorry.

Alucard: (shakes his head solemly) She was fool, traped in her own mortality, refusing to accepted a better life. My life at its best is a mystery and I enjoy it a lot. She will no doubt make a devoted mas...wife and you a... unfaithful husband. Come, write now, my friend, to your firm and to any loved ones, who must be a few, and say that it should please you to stay with me in my lovely castle to help me redecorate until a month from now.

(Maxwell fall sleep because of his long speech)

Alucard: WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT!

Maxwell: (opens an eye) Uhmmm five more minutes mummy, I have a terrible nightmare, I was in a horrible castle with a bondage freak and... Oh... It wasn't a bad dream

Alucard: (mocks) Good night, sleeping beauty, should the prince give you a kiss to wake up you?

Maxwell:(getting out) No, I'm already awake, he he.

Alucard: Good, I didn't pay for a lazy piece of scum like you... Now sit down and write a letter to everyone who can stands your company and tell them you'll stay here for a month... Is that clear?

Maxwell:(yanws) A month? Do you wish me to stay so long?

Alucard: JUST DO IT! Or you won't have any hands to write a letter in your life!

(Dramatic exit of Alucard)

Maxwell: (mumbles) Great... now I'm trap in FreakyLand for a whole month (rolls eyes) Oh joy...

Teleute: Cut!

Hellsing's cast (save for Alucard, Walter and Maxwell): zzzz

Teleute: WAKE UP!

Hellsing's cast: We finished your story? Can we go now?

Teleute: No, you haven't finished the movie, yet... That was only a dream that lil' brother give you. Sorry.

(Hellsing's cast groan)

Teleute: (sweatdrops) I love you too guys... But for now we're done.

Seras: Really?

Teleute: Yes.

Seras: When I'm going to show up, you always leave me behind in your stories...

Alucard:(pats Seras' shoulder) You're a lucky one, policewoman.

Teleute: Hush Alucard or you'll appear in a pink ballet tutu next time. In the next chapter Seras, and I'm sorry... Next fic I write you'll be the main character, promise!

Integra: Someone has to take her out this misery...

Teleute: Ok, guys now to the disclamer, author's notes and reviews! ñ_ñ


Disclamer: Check out before, none of this is mine... Just some freaky ideas!

Author's notes: Alucard ate the roses because vampires are known to like strong-fragance flowers (except garlic's ones, of course). My english is bad again, forgive the mistakes (and the time it took me to write it). To the one who are reading my other fic (Hellsing: Duty). On Monday I'll send it to my beta reader(s) and I surely change the rate now (R). Now to the reviews:

Jabberwocky: Hello to you too! I'm you laught in the fic! ñ_- See you in the msn :P


Irresponsible Captain Akima: Don't hurt me! See I keep the story going! And yes, it wasn't Integra's idea to be in a dress, all Maxwell's fault.


General Sephiroth: Thank you, only three exams left! (tomorrow I have two O.O)


Damned Caeli: Glad you like it. So you're reading the book of Stoker? Well I based more in the Coppola's movie. But the book is really good, a gothic classic!


passionsmuse: Hi muse! Thanks for your support!


nada: Thank you nada, and this Teleute is more my self-insert than the real Death (she wouldn't be so cruel with poor Hellsing's cast, that's Desire job!). Uhmmm Nada? Morpheus' first love, maybe?


Temperamental Baka Neko: Ok, I'm waiting your 'real' review Hikaru. It was nice to talk to you in the yahoo messenger yesterday ñ_- . I hope you like the images I sent you!

Oh, you want to know Maxwell's secret too, eh? *mischivous grin*

So do I :D