Bram Stoker's Alucard Chapter 3
Teleute: Hello
Seras: Hello miss, you look tired
Teleute: University, exams...
Integra: You should be study then, so go and stop disturbing our peace!
Teleuete: I can have a break sometimes...
Hellsing's cast: Darn
Teleute: Shut up! Walter!
Walter: Yes?
Teleute: Prepare everything, Integra...
Integra: (crossing her arms) I wont use a bloody dress, forget it.
Teluete: Ok, but try the act shy and feminine
Alucard: (grins) Master? Shy and feminine?
Integra: (glares) What?!
Alucard: (smirks)
Maxwell: Poor me, what kind of future wife I'll have?
Integra: (glares) One who knows his 'dear' husband's secrets and could spill it with every fangirl here...
Maxwell: (nervous giggle) Hi hi, the answer is: The best wife in the whole world! (gives her a bouquet of yellow roses)
Teleute: Alright guys, everyone on their places... (avoids sword) Anderson?! What the hell you did that for?!
Anderson: (annoys) You evil fiend who dares to stop this man of God of having more parts in this travesty!
Teleute: Ok, Anderson... Mmm You'll have more cameos, yes? I can't have everyone in there...
Integra: You can have my part, if you want it...
Maxwell and Alucard: (turning green) NO!
Teleute: I agree with them... Be patient, remember that our great Lord prizes those who were patient...
Anderson: (kissing his crucifix) Amen
Walter: Nice Exit, miss Teleute
Teleute: Thank you, Walter. Everything is ready?
Walter: Yes.
Teleute: Ok, then. Silence in the set! 3, 2, 1 Action!
Walter's typing:
FIVE DAYS LATER
E N G L A N D
KENT
MORNING
(The Parlour at Hillingham Estate. Integra, dressed as usual and smoking a cigar
updates her blog.)
INTEGRA'S BLOG (CIGAR'S SMOKE), 30th May: I know that Jonathan does
not want me to stay here with Lucy while he is away, but who cares what that
idiot think anyways... I think that if I become accustomed to the wealth and
privileges of the Westenra family, I will not be content as the wife of a mere
clerk in a law firm, not that I'm happy to marry the maggot, but seems the script
is always against me. Besides my family is a hell richier than Westenra, so
there... I couldn't care less. But Lucy and I have been friends since wewere
children and she has never minded that I dress as a man or smoke cigars... Again,
if she does, I wouldn't mind.
Mood: ... insert stupid emoticon here
(She sneaks a peek at a drawing from Arabian Nights)
Integra: This is nearly as bad as than those hentai fanart that I found about Alucard and me in the Internet
(Enter Seras Victoria dresses in her Hellsing uniform, she derribes the door with her strenght)
Seras: (blushing embarashed) Oopsss, sorry....
Integra: (mutters) Maybe I should reconsiderate my friendships too.
Seras: Ehem... Mina! Mina! Oh, Mina, you're always working. Is your ambitious Jon Harker forcing you to learn that ridiculous machine when he could be forcing you to perform unspeakable (her voice truns into a whisper) acts... of... despa...rate (Seras's cheeks becomes red as a tomato) passi...on on the parlour floor? (takes a big breath and then sighs in relief)
Integra: (annoys) I'm call the Virgin of Steel for something, you know?
Guess what? And this 'ridiculous machine' is call a computer.
(Integra stands up a little pisses off and throws Seras the book that hit her
on the head.)
Seras: (rubbing her forehead) Ouch, Mina, so I see--much, much more. Oh? Oh! That's... errr what's that exactly?
(Integra and Seras page through the book)
Integra: Oh please, don't play miss pure and innocent with me...
Seras: I only did it last night!
Integra: Right, with your taste of clothing, you really expect me to believe you.
Seras: (whining) Yes, I did that only once, I swear and it was only in my dreams. Sure you and Jonathan have more experiences together...
Integra: (pisses) If I have a gun, I'll shoot you for that, with silver bullets! The rapist tried to kissed me. Yuck, what sick is THAT?!. That's all, or he wouldn't have travel to the East. (evil grin) Corpses can't travel in my experience (eyes Seras) Well most of them, actually. He's so repulsive, the only way I would touch him is with a stick. You're lucky one.
Seras: Uhmm... Yes, but not even one marriage proposal. Here I am, almost 20, practically a hag!
Integra: True, but a free hag.
Seras: Yes, indeed
Teleute: Cut!
Seras: How was that?
Teleute: ...
Seras: (sobs) That bad?
Teleute: Uhmm, we need a butler for the next scene... Walter?
Seras: You're avoiding me!
Teleute: No comment, Seras. Walter could you play that part, someone else could do the typing...
Walter: Of course, miss Teleute
Teleute: Now, who could do that...?
Yan: (waves hand) Me! me!
(Teleute ignores him and looks away)
Yan: (jumping) ME! ARE YOU DEAFT YOU FUCKING BITCH!
Teleute: NO SWEARING!
Yan: You...
Teleute: (glares him) Alright, go and I expect you know how to use a computer.
Yan: Of course I know how idiot you think I am.
Teleute: I rather not answer that.
Yan: (on the computer) See?, ha!
Teleute: (rubbing her eyes) I can't believe it
Yan: What?! I do some clever stuff in the computer too!
Teleute: (snorts) What playing video games?
Luke: Yes, that is.
Yan: Bro'!
Teleute: Ok, silence in the set! 3, 2, 1 Action!
Yan types:
HEARLI THAT EVENNINNG
Teleute: Cut! 'hearli'? 'evenninng'?
Alucard: See that's why I must eliminate all the vampire trash, they always write 'banpire' instead of 'vampire'. That bring us bad fame.
Yan: Shut up! You fucking... (His arm is cut by one of Alexander's sword) Shit! What the heck you did that for, you... (avoids another sword)
Anderson: Silence, you unholy fiend! Miss Teleute has named me as 'swearing paladin'. I'll punish in the name of the censorship anyone of the badmouthed enemy of God!
Yan: WHAT?!
Teleute: Is true since he doesn't have a part, I gave him that job. Isn't that great?
Cast: ...
Teleute: Fine, have it in your way! Now we must continue! 3, 2, 1 Action!
(Seras (dresses with a red tank top and a black mini-skirt) and Integra (dresses
with her knight attire and smoking a cigar) watch party guests arrive)
Walter: Mr. Quincey P. Morris.
(Enter Stetra with a smug smile in his lips and a cowboy hat.)
Integra: (disgusted) Look. What is that?
Seras: (blinks) Uhmm a human?
Integra: (sacarsm) Do not tell, I believe he was a monkey!
Seras: (blushes)... err... A Texan...Quincey P. Morris. He's so young and fresh, like a ... (her voice goes so low that even vampire hearing can't listen to them)
Integra: What?! I can't hear anything...
Seras: (blushes) I just know what men desire. Watch.
(Integra waits a little but Seras is petrifides)
Integra: Go, search and seduce!
(Integra pushes Seras who fells into Stetra's arms)
Seras: Oh, Captain Quincey, sorry...
Stetra: Miss Lucy. Why you're as fresh as the spring rain. (He runs his hands over Seras)
Seras: (glares) Oh, thank you. (She punchs him 'friendly' and he fells in to the couch) Oh, Quincey, please let go of me!
(Seras shoots a 'help me' look at Integra who tries to hide her laugh, then she pulls out Morris's Uzi and points to him.)
Stetra: (nervous look) Little girl. Oh, my dear sweet little girl. Let me hold my Uzi again..., yes, please?
Walter: Dr. Jack Seward.
(Enter Captain Pickman. Seras runs to Pickman)
Seras: Captain Jack! Oceans of blood! Err I mean love!
(Seras trips over a bearskin run and fells.)
Pickman: (confuses) Uhmm I believe I was the one who tripped. Oh well (he shrugs and helps Seras to stand up)
Seras: (ashamed) Oh, Jack, my darling! Oh, poor little baby. Come over here. Come over here and I'll kiss it better. My poor little blossom. My poor little doctor. Really, doctor. Ugh... I can't continue, this is too pathetic even for me...
Integra: I agree.
Walter: Arthur Holmwood, Esquire.
( Enter Luke Valentine. Seras runs to Luke)
Seras: Arthur! Oh, my darling. Oh, you look wonderful. Like my skirt? It's my leather skirt.
Luke: (gay voice) Uhmm black doesn't suit you dear, try grey. Next time you and me'll go shooping together... (he winks to Stetra and Pickman)
( Stetra and Pickman take a step back with nervous smile)
Pickman: Quincey.
Stetra: Jack.
Pickman: Get the hell out of here, before blondie come here.
Stetra: Yeah.
(They run away)
Integra's thoughts: Lucy is a pure and virtuous girl, but always attracts bad company because her slutty wardrobe. Jonathan says it's a defect of the aristocracy that they dress what they please. Another stupid thing that idiot said. I would dress as I like, like it or not. The truth is that I admire Lucy (a little, not that MUCH), and I'm not surprised that men flock around her and restrain my urges to shoot them. Thank God and the Queen I'm not as pretty and as adored as she.
(Enter Alucard's eyed shadow, Integra glares the shadow that disappears)
Teleute: Cut! Now to the next scene, Yan...?
(Yan appears with his both arms)
Teleute: I believe Anderson cut your left arm
Yan: (shrugs) So? I used glue
Teleute: What?! Save it... I don't want to know... 3, 2, 1 Action!
Walter typing:
LONDON
LATER THAT EVENING
Carfax District Lunatic Asylum
CAPTAIN PICKMAN'S BLOG ON PHOTOGRAPH CYLINDER, 30th May: What freak of nature is this? R. M. Renfield, successful solicitor in the firm of Hawkins and Thompkins, respected member of the Lord Nugent's Wyndham Club. Returns from business abroad in Transylvania. Promptly suffers a complete mental breakdown. He's now obsessed with some bloodlust. Uhmm too much foreign television maybe. That's why we, english, have strict laws about the broadcasting.
Mood: Depressed, after some morphine, Okaaaaaaaaaaay man...
(Pickman enters Yan's cell)
Pickman: George, wait here.
(Yan holds out a plate of grubs, flies, ants, beetles and wireworms. )
Yan: What the fu... (he pauses and sees Anderson ready for attack, glups), ehem I mean... What kind of dinner is this?! Do I look like a f... errr bloody toad or sumthing? If you like this sh... things, eate yourself, Doc!
[In the set:
Luke: I can't believe my ears
Teleute: Yes, and all we need was psycho priest to cut an arm
Luke: I should have thing of that before.
Integra: Me too, that or cut his tongue.
Alucard: The Judas priest make himself useful, for a change
Anderson: Of course I did, you unholy garbage, a travesty in the eyes of God!
Teleute: Sssh..., not so loud!]
Pickman: (turns green) No, thank you, Mr. Renfield. (changing the subject) How are you feeling tonight?
Yan: Changing subjects, eh? Of course, 'cause I'm the freaking patient and you're the doctor, you feel important. In England the gap between the poor and the richs! You feel all powerful and almighty 'cause you graduated! I maybe a poor psychopac dude but I'm far better than you, my lovesick puppy!
Pickman: How come you know about my personal life?
Yan: (rolls eyes) Stupid rich peaple, you were whining about you're lovelife's problems in your blog yesterday!
Pickman: That's my diary and is personal!
Yan: Sure, that's why you put it in Internet, man.
Pickman: Well, anyways... Your diet, Mr. Renfield, is disgusting!
Yan: Then chage the fucking menu, dude! You think I like to eat this shit! I don't care they said perfectly nutritious. I want blood! HUMAN BLOOD. Or coke, choose!
Pickman: The fly gives you life? (his expresion turns blank) Oh see the stars! shinny stars!
Yan: I'll cut the drugs, doc...
(Pickman stars to act dances in circles and hugs Yan)
Yan: Argh! get him off me! Help! Guards! guards!
(Hellsing' troops rush in to subdue Yan, they start to hit him)
Yan: Not me! I'm innocent!
(The troops and Pickman exit)
Yan: Hey! What about my coke?
(someone throws him a coke in his head)
Yan: Auch! Fucking bastards!
(drinks it all and gives an insane grin)
Yan: The Coke is the life, dude!
Teleute: Cut! Now Anderson!
(Anderson attacks and cuts the left arm again)
Yan: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Teleute: You said the 'f' word again!
(Anderson laughts maddly and cut another arm)
Integra: I knew it was so good to last
Alucard: He he, these trash vampires, they'll never learn manners.
Luke: (offends) Hey, mind you, mister!
Alucard: (pats a hellhound) Shut up, sissy boy or should I sent my pets to you again?
Luke: No, nice doggie, nice doggie...
Teleute: Alucaaaaaard
Alucard: You're not my master, I won't listen to you
Integra: Alucard stop!
Alucard: Awwwww, not fair. You two never let me have some fun.
Teleute: Oh, poor Alucard, we're soooooo unfair with you (rolls her eyes) Ok, guys I have to go and have Yan 'glued' again... (points to dismembered Yan). And to study (frowns).
Disclamer: Nothing is mine, ok? They belong to Hirano, Stoker and Gaiman (the concept since is my pitiful self-inssert).
Author's notes: Again for the obvious OOCness which is always present in the parodies.
Thanks to the reviews of:
Neige: *shudders* I hope noneone is so crazy to draw her in that dress!
(or she'll find a way to kill me for good). But if you want to draw it, I don't
mind. Thanks for the support.
Angie: he he you'll see...
general Sephiroth: Thank you, tomorrow I got another one. U.U
passionsmuse: Nah, it's not that good. I hate that chapter. I hope this
one is better
Irresponsible Captain Akima: Don't be worried, I'm slow as a turttle
but secure!
Hell angel: Yup, I know. Thanks for the review!
Damned Caeli: *blushes* It's kind a stupid IMO but I want to spoil myself
in this fic (since I'm writing 'serious' others)
I hope you like it, review if you want it and flames are welcome as always