Fandom: Gravitation
Title: Kawaru. Boku.
Pairing: Ryuichi + Shuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi
Rating: PG
Description: Shuichi remembers all over again the day Ryuichi Sakuma changed him as he watched him live. (Episode 8 of the anime.)

Disclaimer: Gravitation is Murakami Maki-sensei's but I love it too much and make fanfics for it. Please don't sue me. I'm already poor. This is out of love. Oh, and Sleepless Beauty's by The Seeker.

I don't remember when.
And I don't remember how.

All I know is that when I first looked at god himself, I fell to my knees...

I want to...
I want to become a god myself...

Kawaru. Boku. (To change. Me.)
by Miyamoto Yui

Part 1 / Shuichi - I want to conquer the world.

"Shuichi!" my sister pounded on the bathroom door. "How LONG ARE you going to stay there!?"
"I'm almost done!" I turned off the shower and caught a towel as I ran out the door.
She sighed loudly. "Finally!"
Then, she stomped into the bathroom. But I couldn't blame her. If she was going to be late for whatever appointment that she needed to go to that Saturday morning, well, I wasn't helping her much.

I went into my room to change and turned on the radio again. "Tooku yume wo..." I started to sing in tune with Ryuichi Sakuma-sama.
My god.

My god that walked upon this earth.

I stayed in the shower because I wanted to practice more. They say that when you sing in the shower, you sound better. I tried my best to convince myself of this. Well, as best as I could.
Glancing at the clock, I shouted to myself, "Oh my god! It's already 10:30?!"

So, there I was running to the local cafe that Hiro and I always hung out in. Hiro said to be there at 10:30. When would I ever learn to be early?
"Shuichi..." Hiro sternly said, sighing at me. But then, he smiled in relief. I think he thought that I got into an accident or something. (This is me we're talking about. * sigh *)
I looked at Hiro with apologetic eyes...Okay, so I turned into a chibi so that he wouldn't get too mad at me. Cheap trick, but he'd never be able to resist me, right?

I know. I'm really bad like that. And proud of it! ^_~v

"You..." Hiro eyed me as he smirked and scruffed my pink head of messy hair.
"Am I forgiven?" I blinked at him.
"Yes, you're forgiven."
"Thank you, Hiro~!" I jumped into his arms and he blushed as he looked all around the cafe. "Okay, okay."

By now, I think he's used to me...but then, well, my Hiro blushed a LOT. He'll deny it now, but I know him better than anyone. I should! I'm his best friend!

We drank some coffee and decided that we would practice at his house. But before that, I brought over Sakuma Ryuichi's concert video. I hadn't watched it yet, but I wanted to see it with Hiro to get some pointers.
As I kneeled down to set up the VCR, Hiro asked, "Have you watched it yet?"
"Nope. But I ordered all the concerts."
"Meaning you begged some people and used your cute ways to get them right?"
"You betcha!" I turned around and smiled at him with a thumbs up. "You can't possibly think that I'd pay for all this!? I can barely scrape enough for CDs."
He slapped his hand on his forehead.
"I didn't mean to." I bit on my shirt with tears in my eyes. "They voluntarily gave me the tapes..."
"Meaning you went to that one guy in the video store that had a crush on you."
"Geh. You got that right." I nodded my head.
He shook his head, sighing in frustration. Lifting up his hand and making a small gesture, he said, "Okay, okay, let's get started. I think I've heard enough."
Instantly, I rushed up in front of his face.
"Wah~!" He shouted.

(This is high school sophomore Hiro, mind you. After meeting me, that's when he mellowed out. Well,
okay, so he got more patient with life...and me...eep.)

I pouted at him and blinked my eyes. "You sounded jealous for a moment."
"I'm not jealous. I just think that guy gives me the creeps."
"Whenever he looks at me, right?"
He nodded.
I hugged him again. "You're such a caring friend, Hiroshi~!"
He gulped as he patted my head, giving me a firm look. "He didn't do anything to you in order to give you those tapes, right?"
I shook my head. "Uh-uh. Why?"
"Nothing." He sat back in his chair and mumbled softly, "Okay, so the guy gets to live..."
"What was that?" I asked as I pressed the remote control.

I didn't know if I heard that really clearly though. He denies saying it until this day too.

"Oh, nothing..." he answered and then whistled.

[Insert author's squeal of approval here. Hiro you are ~such~ a kawaii boy!]

The introduction of the tape began and I was already smiling my head off.
"Sakuma Ryuichi! Sakuma Ryuichi~!" I squealed unable to hold in my excitement.

There, my god, whom I had never seen in concert before grinned into the camera. He waved his hand and laughed saying, "Oi~ MINNA-SAN!"
The crowd was getting warmed up.
"I can't hear you~!" he teased.
"Nittle Grasper!"
He held his hand against his ear with Kumagorou in his other hand. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the crowd shouted back.
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!"
He nodded to Seguchi-san and Noriko-san. "Let's go!"
"YEAHHHHHHHHHH!"
The crowd went wild as Ryuichi put down Kumagorou on the stage.

Sleepless Beauty's beat filled the air. The camera panned out to the crowd...to Seguchi Touma...and then to Noriko-san...
Ryuichi's smile of genkiness erased itself clean when he closed and opened them again to sing, "Tooku yume wo..."

My eyes stretched opened. I fell to the ground and crawled closer to the screen.

This...was Sakuma Ryuichi?

THIS WAS SAKUMA RYUICHI?!

You couldn't possibly understand the shock I was in. I've heard him so many times, but this didn't compare to the CDs at all! It was like a magical transformation that I couldn't even begin to describe or comprehend.

Many things ran through my head at once and I couldn't even utter a word. I was so speechless.

It was my dream to sing like Ryuichi Sakuma...

Turning to my head to Hiro, I pointed frantically to the screen. "I want to be like that!"

The intensity filled into my fingers. My hands were energized and my eyes were glued to the screen. I breathed and gulped whatever I could.

I want that passion. I want that strength...

How can I possibly do that!?

I began to look at my gloved hands. "How can I possibly achieve that, Hiro?"
A surprised Hiro looked at me. I could feel his stare even when I didn't turn around.

I knew he understood.
He always understood this weird pink-haired genki ball.

Watching Ryuichi made me think how foolish I'd been for a dream.

But it was then that Hiro shouted at me, "What are you crying about Shuichi?! You can't be like him."
I lifted up my head up in defeat, gazing at the ceiling with tears about to fall. "That's right. I can't."

Not with my singing. Not with my lyrics either.

He walked in front of me and knelt down to lift my chin up. Wiping my tears away, he winked at me. "You can't be him. He's Sakuma Ryuichi. There's already one of him in the world. The only one. But..."

He poked my heart. "This is my Shindou Shuichi. And there is only one of him in the world too."

Blinking, my lip quivered. I didn't know whether to say 'aww', 'thank you', or whatever.
"You...you really mean that?" I could barely say.
He smiled and got up. "Let's go practice, Shuichi. We've got the show the world what we've got."

I jumped up and hugged Hiro from behind. Burying my face into the back of his shirt, I hugged his waist even tighter as the tears fell down. I was so touched...

It was then that I knew we'd always be friends. Best friends for the rest of our lives.

He patted my hands. "If there isn't a star up for you someday. Then, damn it, I'll make you one."
Yes, it sounded cheesy. Yes, I know it sounded sappy as hell. But this was Hiro. Hiro, the person who never wanted to show any emotion to anyone. The smartest kid in class who was practically anti-social. But we talked about music and it all started from there...

I never forgot that day. The day Sakuma Ryuichi changed my life. The day that I looked at him and thought I could conquer the world...with Hiro, of course.

Before I went home that day, I stood in front of Hiro and jumped to kiss him on the forehead.
"Thanks!" I shouted as I ran to go home.
He blinked at me and waved back.

Hiro wouldn't let me thank him in any way. I still think he doesn't understand how much that meant to me...

Now, Ryuichi's laughing in front of me and waving his hand at me. I wave back. He'd just said we were both 'tomodachi'!
I was so honored.

As I watch at him, this is the memory running through my head at this moment. When you think you're losing your life, they say it flashes before your eyes.
Well, I didn't need an accident.

When I thought I'd done so well, even the most awesome performance Bad Luck had done thus far...
When Ryuichi-san's eyes change as they open for the performance before the camera, I see the intensity.

He's singing 'Sleepless Beauty' in front of me. Live. It isn't on some ratty VHS tape anymore...

Instantly, a quivering feeling of fear and nervousness strangles me, numbing my whole body. I grip my fists together and my throat dries up.
I can't breathe anymore.

It's happening all over again...

Tsuzuku… / To be continued.

Author's comments: Phew! This was actually in my head for a long time! I really, really wanted to do this one. But, it also made me think, when was the first time I sang? I don't remember. As far as I have known, I've loved to sing as if it were breathing to me. If I couldn't hear music or sing it, I'd rather not live. It is that important to me...

Wow...intense. I was really holding my breath as I imagined myself as Shuichi looking at Ryuichi at that moment...

This is dedicated to you, Ame-chan. Thank you. And this is also dedicated to Mirai Nodoka. You will always be my lucky charm.

Tooku yume wo - The faraway dream
Tomodachi - friend

June 24th, 2002