Fandom: Gravitation
Title: Kawaru. Boku.
Pairing: Ryuichi + Shuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi
Rating: PG
Description: [Complete] Shuichi remembers all over again the day Ryuichi Sakuma changed him as he watched him live. (Episode 8 of the anime.)
I remember the day,
The time,
The warmth of his breath because he was so close to me.
His bangs fell before his eyes as he whispered into my ear, "You make them fall to their knees for you."
Kawaru. Boku. (To change. Me.)
by Miyamoto Yui
Part 2 / Ryuichi - You don't ask. You damn well tell.
SLAP!
"Ryuichi! When will you ever learn?!" my mother had shouted, still holding her hand in the air.
Instead of getting upset at her lover for hitting me while he was drunk, she'd chosen once again to take out her frustrations while I practiced my singing with the guitar in my lap.
I gave her a look full of bitterness and frustration. But all my emotions couldn't be contained in a single look or with a description.
"Mother, I'm sorry, but you'll have to choose. Him or me." I pursed my lips together and became calm.
Before I even heard the answer, I took up my duffle bag. "I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm going back to Tokyo."
Walking out the door, I closed my eyes as I kissed her forehead. "Goodbye, Mother. Be happy."
At the threshold, I held firm as I softly said, "Someday, you'll wish you'd picked me."
I remember that day.
It was raining and all I had was a duffle bag with Kumagorou wearing a plastic hat to keep the rain out. Some little kid had given it to me and there was no way I would lose it.
I'd rather die than lose Kumagorou now. It held all the hopes and dreams I held for myself. No one was going to take my one joy away from me: Singing.
No one.
Knock, knock.
I showed up with dirty tears running down my eyes and my clothes all wet. My tattered umbrella couldn't take the impact anymore and my bag was the only thing that was dry along with Kumagorou.
"Ryuichi?"
"Sempai…"
Thump.
I'd woken up with a cloth on my head and Touma coming into the room. "It's not every day that future idols drop on your threshold, you know."
I laughed weakly with my cheeks burning, the fever making itself known in my body as it comfortably rested on the bed. "You sure know how to flatter everyone."
"It's in the blood," He said, smiling. Then, he went to the window to look out into the gloomy, drenched city. "So, I guess you're staying here with me, aren't you, Ryuichi?"
"No, I…" I closed my mouth.
I didn't know what to say. But nor could I lie.
"If you step out of this apartment, I'll never forgive you." Sighing, he placed his hand on the glass window in front of him and pushed his palm into it. Through the reflection, he eyed me. "Wherever you go, I'll find you, Ryuichi. So there's no use."
My heart skipped a beat and blinked even though he couldn't see me doing so. I then smiled contentedly. This was just his way of saying to stay and take care of myself.
He turned around and came next to me. As he leaned forward, I felt his breath on my cheek and my ear. "Be sick all you want today, but tomorrow's D-day."
"I know," I nodded, pulling his collar and kissing his cheek. "Thank you, Toh-chan~!"
His eyes opened a bit as he straightened up and fixed his collar while clearing his throat. "Ah."
+/+/+/+/+/
The next night, when we got to the theatre where we were going to perform, I looked at the stage as people got into their seats and chattered mindlessly.
To them, this was a night of fun and music. To me, it would be the beginning or ending of my life.
I glanced over at Tohma. He was as composed as ever, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed.
As we went into the dressing room and waited, we changed and sat in the seats provided.
I cupped my hands together as my stomach felt like knots being pulled tighter and tighter. It was more than nervousness. I wanted to be perfect.
With singing, I was an actor.
I performed different roles with each song, feeling like I could touch anything. The high note had taken two months to perfect would be a split-second of triumph. If there was one thing I learned from Tohma, it was to make everything look natural.
My words had to roll off my tongue. They weren't just spoken or sung. They were gunshots aiming at the bull's eye.
I wanted to touch the sky. It was only a reach away.
But then, I began to grow even more apprehensive as I thought of my future. What future? I was riding everything on this performance.
I was always thoughtless like that. Caught between responsibility and adulthood. Caught between childhood and wanting a dream to come true. I didn't know where I was supposed to stand.
I only knew my place in the world when I sang.
"I can't do this," I blurted out and sighed, finally letting it out of my system.
Touma came over to me and punched me in the face. He took up my collar as his hand held me shakily. "Ryuichi. If only you would believe in yourself as I see you."
"You're asking too much. I just love singing. Who makes a living out of something they love?! Only very few!" I shouted back with my eyes looking straight into his.
"You will, you dummy!" He then pressed his lips onto mine.
He shook my shoulders back and forth. "You're not just some company president's son. You're not just anyone. You are Sakuma Ryuichi!"
I stared at him, blinking in shock.
His eyes gave me a look of determination as his eyebrows almost touched one another. "I am Seguchi Tohma. I'm not my father's puppet."
He held my cheeks and leaned forward until our foreheads touched. "Do you remember what you told me when we said we'd do this?!"
My lips opened a bit, remembering with all the pain, hurt, and persistence trembling from my fingers and beating through my human heart.
"You told me you wanted to be somebody, Ryuichi! Do you remember that?!"
A tear went down my cheek. He embraced me tightly, but then he pushed me away. With his head bent low, his eyes were shadowed by his bangs.
With a calm and firm voice, he instructed, "You won't ask. You'll damn well tell."
Knock, knock.
A woman came into the room as she politely announced, "It is your turn next. Please take your positions."
As we entered the stage with the crowd looking at me, I felt at home. As Tohma passed me, his bangs fell over his eyes again, whispering into my ear, "You make them fall to their knees for you."
I nodded as he placed his hands on the synthesizer. Holding onto the microphone and nodding to my own rhythm, I then looked up with an evil twinkle in my eye and it spread to the rest of my body.
I felt the energy as I lifted my head in arrogance.
No one would beat me in my own game.
My heart beat faster and I sang my soul out in melodic syllables, "Tooku yume wo..."
Yes. The faraway dream.
The feeling is reviving inside me as I sing this song years later. As I wave at Shuichi, the song
plays again as I raise my head.
No. No one will beat me at my own game.
We're friends off the stage, but rivals in the music world, Shuichi.
Squinting, I hold the microphone and sing to the camera the song I had created when I felt like I was reaching for something that would never be.
Sleepless Beauty.
As I see Shuichi fall to the ground, I grip onto my microphone tighter and sing even stronger as well as louder.
Singing is my unexplained passion. I have control and no one can tell me what to do.
I won't ask for anything in this realm.
I'll damn well take my place.
Tsuzuku... / To be continued...
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Author's comments: I wanted to perceive Ryuichi and Shuichi's thoughts on singing. I made Ryuichi dark, but I wanted to give somewhat of how passionate and overboard and harsh I myself am about it.
When I was young, someone had discriminated against me, and I shouted, "I am going to become someone, Mommy! I promise!" Have you ever loved something so much? That's writing and singing for me.
What's yours?
Between June 25th to November 27th, 2002