ch. 7

on my own

(from les mis)

I walked solemnly along the streets of Corus. I knew what happened. And I knew Kel would never believe me. But why? Had I ever given her a reason to doubt my trust? I would never do anything to Kel, but her and her stubborn ways will surely never forgive me. So I walk the streets, tears trickling down the creases of my worn cheeks. All of this from a girl. Neal, you really need to get over yourself, I scold.  

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to
Without a home without a friend
Without a face to say hello to

And after all of these struggles with myself over Kel…I've lost her. She's gone, my Kel, my sweet, sweet, Kel…she's gone forever. If only I could hold hug her, kiss her, just hold her in my arms for the pleasure of being with her. That's all that really mattered with Kel. We were together and happy.

Well, you were happy.

What?

How do you know she was happy?

Of course she was happy. She accepted my proposal.

Because of those big puppy dog eyes, I bet.  

No! I screamed back. She accepted because she loved me, and knew I loved her.

Whatever you say, it said mockingly.

Me and my Mithros-be-damned conscience.

 
And now the night is near
I can make believe she's here
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of her and I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

I looked up. The sun was setting behind the palace, almost a mirage of perfection. Like Kel. Except that Kel was never a mirage. She was always shining brightly, even if clouds came and tried to dampen her day. Her face glowed perpetually, like a candle that would never be blown out. Her hair fell around her face in a halo, almost one of an angel. Because that's what she was- she was an angel, my angel, my Kel. And now I had lost her forever. A cry lost in the blowing wind.

People walked all around me. Strangers, naïve to my struggles, my problems, my compassion. I stared at them. Taking everything for granted, I scoffed inside my head. I looked to the left.

That was when I saw her.

It was Kel, but a mere yard or so away. "Kel!" I called gleefully, "Kel, oh, Kel, it's you!"

She ran over to me. "Neal!" she laughed merrily, running over to me. "Oh, it's all okay. Cleon explained everything. It's okay now."

I felt a warm tingle on my lips and realized she must be kissing me. I closed my eyes and leaned in. It was all alright again. I had my Kel back, and my world could turn once more.

I opened my eyes. Her own hazel ones stared back at me with love and passion, a tear trickling down her face.


I stared.

Slowly, the tear dried. Her eyes seemed to harden like stones. And then…she gradually dissolved, fading into the scene imprinted in my mind.

"Kel?" I whispered, bewildered.

She was gone.


On my own
Pretending she's beside me
All alone
I walk with her till morning
Without her
I feel her arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And she has found me

I sat down in an alley, holding my head between my hands. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Not even my magic could stop the pain of a lost love. Shopkeepers' lanterns flickered out as dusk settled over the city of Corus. I opened my eyes. A few drops of water plopped onto my head, startling me. I looked up into the heavens as the rain began to pour out of the sky. It hit the stones of the ground, flashing in the imminent light before disappearing into the depths of darkness.

My tears fell with the rain.


In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is her and me forever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to her
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love her
But when the night is over
She is gone
The river's just a river
Without her

I looked up into the sky, praying for a sign. Some sign, that was all. A sign that I could once more be with my Kel.

I saw her again. Kel's face silhouetted against the stormy sky. And just as quickly as she appeared, the image turned to a stream of water, cascading down and splashing off my face.

I shook out my hair and stood, pacing.  


The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love her

I love Kel. I can't get her out of my head. And if I can't have her, then I don't want anything. It' s her choice. But it's not the one I wanted.


But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
Her world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I laid down on the damp stones of the alley, resting my head on my arms. It was going to be a long night.


I love her.

I love her.

I love her.
But only on my own.