Chapter Five
When Frodo woke up he found the figure of Gandalf the Grey sitting by his bed. "W-where am I?" Frodo mumbled, rubbing his temples. "You are at the Houses of Healing at Rivendell. And it is three o'clock in the afternoon. Three o'clock! You're one lazy hobbit." "Who are you?" Frodo said wearily, as he looked to the face of a female, young and dark haired. "I," she said cheerfully, "am Jewels. Fear not, I am friend to Gandalf the Grey." "I wouldn't go that far...." Gandalf, who sat in the corner mumbled to himself, and then louder he said, "You barely made it! We are glad to see you alive. I am sorry I did not meet you in the Bree. I was.... Delayed...."
Flash back
".... Huckleberry.... Did I mention that already? What about grapes? Are those considered berries?" Jewels said s she stared at the sky thoughtfully. "Sorry...." Gandalf said in a pained voice as Saruman suspended him over he edge of the tower, "I'm kind of preoccupied." Saruman slammed the great wizard back onto the tower. "That hurt!" "Sorry...." Saruman whispered, "Gee, Gandalf the Grey sure complains a lot...." "I heard that!" "Well aren't you special?" "Yeah, I, AM!" "W-well.... I'm a more powerful wizard than you, so ha! In your greasy-haired face!" "No your not, everyone just pitied you so they said you were the most wise and powerful wizard ever." Saruman's initial look of shock turned to rage quite quickly. "Take it back! Take it back!" He then broke into tears. "I only want to please people! I'm really not that bad.... Just a little psychopathic and evil.... But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person!"
Gandalf whispered to Jewels, as Saruman sobbed furiously, "When I give the word, jump off the edge of the tower." "Are you crazy?" "Just do it." "What's the word?" "Um.... I don't know how about.... Bucklebury Ferry?" "Okay."
He then resumed his conversation with the white wizard, scrambling to his feet and gazing over the edge of the great tower. "Um.... It'll be fine Saruman. Maybe you could get a new job, something that would please people more. Y'know.... Something a little less--How should I put this nicely?-- Evil." He constantly found himself unconsciously gazing over the edge of the tower. "Thank you, Gandy.... Can I call you Gandy?" Saruman had crumpled to his knees, sobbing into his sparkling white robes. "Yeah.... Sure. What ever makes you feel better." Saruman sniffled a couple of times and scrambled to his feet. "Thank you, Gandy.... You are kind to me." "Yeah.... Um.... Thanks. " Gandalf peered over the tower one last time to see his ride arrive. "Bucklebury Ferry," He whispered, "Bucklebury Ferry...."
Jewels did nothing. The Great wizard cleared his throat and spoke slightly louder, "Bucklebury FERRY!" Jewels found a small pebble and tossed it over the edge. Gandalf gave up, and shoved Jewel over the edge. Her cry as she fell was "Hey, I dropped my pebble!" However, Saruman noticed what Gandalf had done—and was doing. His eyes suddenly became insane and filled with hatred. "Gandalf.... You're not going anywhere." "Afraid I am.... Got a flight to catch." The White wizard's eyes welled with tears again. "Damn it, Gandalf, don't leave me here all ALONE!" "I'd love to stay and chat but.... That's a lie. Goodbye." And with that, he jumped, landing on top of Jewels and the Eagle.
End Flashback
Frodo looked at the wizard curiously. "Did all that really happen?" "No," Jewels said plainly, "We made the whole thing up. Of course it happened." Just then, Sam rushed in. "Frodo? MisterFrodo? You're awake!" Sam immeadiatley ran over to where his master lay and flung his arms about the other hobbit's shoulders. "Sam's barely left your side." Gandalf almost laughed as he said this. Jewels did laugh, and mumbled, "We were starting to suspect something...."
Soon, Frodo was up and out of bed, greeting his friends. Jewels insisted on being his escort, along with Sam. They were all introduced. Merry and Pippin were ecstatic to see Frodo up and about. Phoenix, Maniac and Gally were happy, but a bit preoccupied in the elven land with their constant games of "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing." Strangely enough, Merry and Pippin didn't seem to mind when they were forced to join in. The Goose was mortified when he saw Frodo alive, and reluctantly gave Merry and Pippin a few gold pieces, as well as a couple of carrots for his lost bet.
Frodo found himself falling in love with this beautiful land. He wandered mindlessly for hours and loved every second of it. One eventful afternoon of wandering, he found Sam out on a balcony, packing his bags. "Packing already? I thought you were dying to see the elves." Frodo grinned, however his voice was concerned and curious.
".... Cashew, pecan, walnut, hazelnut. There. All the nuts known to.... Anyone." Phoenix, Maniac, and Pippin stared at Jewels in awe. The four had gotten bored of playing "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing" and decided to take a walk. Merry and Gally however, were captivated. "How did you...." Phoenix began, but she was quickly cut off by Pippin. "Shh.... Look! Sam and Frodo!" he grinned and giggled slightly, "Nothing is more fun that listening to their private conversations." Maniac laughed maniacally and grinned widely, gesturing for all of them to crouch behind a near by shrubbery.
"Well...." Sam's voice sounded distant his eyes moved and he looked straight at Frodo, "We did what Gandalf said. We got the Ring this far. I was just thinking, maybe we could be getting home now." He looked at the ground and kicked some dirt. His eyes then greeted Frodo's once more. They seemed to plea for something.
"Why is Sam looking at Frodo like?" Maniac whispered with curiosity, "Oh my God, he's GAY isn't he?" "Nah...." Phoenix's voice was equally curious; "He had a girlfriend, Rosie something.... Didn't he?" They both turned to Pippin. "Yeah.... I think so.... But now that you mention it...."
Frodo smiled at his friend weakly. Sam loved the Shire. "You're right Sam. I'll talk to Gandalf. We'll leave as soon as we can." Sam smiled back, and Frodo continued wandering. Phoenix and Maniac were devastated. "That was it?" Phoenix shouted. Maniac glared and said, "What? No 'I love you dearly Frodo, I always have'? What is with these guys?"
Frodo soon found his Uncle Bilbo. Since they had last seen each other, Bilbo had completed his book. 'There and Back Again,' he had called it, and given his first copy to Frodo. He now called Frodo into his quarters to give him more gifts.
"Here, Frodo," he reached around and found something "I want you to have this. It's my old sword, Sting. Made by the elves! The blade glows red when orcs are near." "Red, Uncle Bilbo?" "Did I say red? I meant blue."
Gally and Merry had frightened off every male elf in the area and were now bored. They wandered in silence briefly until they came upon an open window where they found Frodo and Bilbo talking. Bilbo seemed to be holding some kind of armor and giving it to Frodo.
"Mithril. Light as a feather, and hard as dragon scales." Bilbo said, handing the armor to Frodo, "Let me see it on you!" Frodo slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Almost too slowly. Slowly enough to cause Gally to hiss, "Would you hurry up already?" The Ring was revealed in a chain around his neck. "My Ring...." Bilbo stared at it; "You keep it around your neck? I always kept it in my pocket. Loved that riddle much I did. 'What have I got in my pocket?' Heh.... Yes, the good old days." He stared at the Ring against Frodo's pale white skin a bit longer, and finally asked his burning question. "Frodo.... Do you spit or swallow?" Not that question! "Frodo.... I would dearly love to hold me Ring again.... If you could just...." Frodo began to button his shirt again.... Much too slowly. Bilbo turned away, but quickly turned back, hissing. His pearly white teeth became black and yellow fangs. His eyes grew dark and evil. His hand was more like a claw that ever as he reached for his nephew's throat. He recoiled immeadiatley, sobbing. Frodo looked concerned and walk over to him. "I'm sorry my boy... that you must carry this burden," Bilbo whined tearfully, "I'm sorry for everything!" Gally stared at this scene in confusion. "What's wrong with him?" she whispered to Merry, who replied "PMS?"
Elrond, Gandalf, and the Goose walked together, talking. Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, now seemed dark. "No, seriously, Gandalf, I'm not kidding. You're getting that Ring out of here." "But Elrond," Gandalf pleaded, "It looks so pretty on your finger!" "Oh you're just saying that. But seriously, we're already at war; we don't need anyone else trying to kill us all. It's not exactly.... Fun."
A/N: Screw this, I'm moving to a new conversation.
"So. Elly, who do you think will be the most powerful race once all the great races have fallen?" Gandalf questioned. "You DARE to call the great Lord Elrond 'Elly?' My dear Gandalf, you have been smoking too much pipe- weed.The elves will rule forever." Elrond demanded. The Goose looked perplexed, "But isn't the race slowly fad—" "The ELVEN race will RULE FOREVER!" "Bu—" "THE ELVEN RACE WILL RULE FOREVER!" Gandalf cleared his throat and interjected "I think the race of Men holds great potential." "MEN SUCK!" Elrond shouted. "Shut up, Agent Smith!" Goose shout in retaliation. Gandalf and Elrond stared in confusion. "Ummm...." Gandalf mumbled. Elrond turned to Gandalf and began, "So, anyway.... I was there when the race of Men failed. All evil should have been destroyed that day, but alas, because of Men it was allowed to prevail."
Flashback
Sweat poured down Lord Elrond's face from the heat of the volcano. He and Isildur stood at the crack of Mount Doom, prepared to destroy the horrid Ring. Elrond gestured for Isildur to throw it in. "Dude, burn the Ring!" Isildur stood his ground, and smiled wickedly. "Dude, like now while we like have the chance! Burn it!" "No WAY, man. I'm keepin' this trippy little thing."
End Flashback
Gandalf stared at his old friend with new terror. "Elrond.... I had no idea.... You talked like a surfer when you were young...." "Well, now you know!" Elrond sobbed. The Goose mumbled "Sissy," and wandered off to find his master.
The Lady Arwen stood on the bridge, waiting for her darling to meet her. The only sound was the trickling of the water below her. And a rustling in the bushes. And Strider calling to her "Where are you, Awen? I'm lost!" Arwen twirled around to see him facing her. "Oh...." he mumbled, "I guess I'm not lost then." Arwen ignored this and look deep into his blue eyes with her's. "Do you remember what I said to you when we first met?" Strider looked as if he were in deep thought, then looked to the sky, then back to Arwen. "You said 'What's this? And Ranger caught off his guard?'" "No, you idiot, we met before that!" "Look.... If you've been stalking me...." "No! I—" She was cut off by the Goose shouting "Master! Where are you? You have been called to a secret meeting!" An unfamiliar voice of a commoner said "Hey, awesome! Secret meeting!" "Guess it isn't so secret anymore...." Goose mumbled. Strider whipped around, calling "Goose! Where are you?" He did not notice that Arwen had been knocked into the water below. "Hey! Down here! You idiot! I can't swim well!" Arwen's voice trailed off as the current swept her away.
People from every province, of every species attended this not-so-secret- anymore meeting of Elrond's. The elven lord sat proud and tall. With the greatest of honour in his voice, he announced "This is the One Ring. We must do something about it." The noble man stood up slowly, took one step forward, slipped on a bunch of pebbles, and fell to the ground. "Ow...." he mumbled. He then noticed three human-looking girls sitting across from him. "What are you three doing here?" he shouted. Gally stood, making sure not to trip on some pebbles, and said, "We are all three ladies of Forlindon. We would not wish for our province to go unnoticed. As for Jewels.... Well, she's just plain cool." "Oh.... Okay." Gally seemed annoyed, and finally she stomped her foot and shouted, "Aren't ANY of you going to be shocked?" A few mumbles of "Oh shut up" and "Sit down already," and one loud shout that appeared to have come from Maniac said, "Your blonde is showing!" Gally sat down constantly looking for the blonde showing o her hair. One man, who was sitting in the corner, stood up and shouted, "It is a gift! We should use this great thing to our advantage!" "No, noble Boromir!" Strider shouted, "You can not wield it!" "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Wilis?" A blonde elf stood up and shouted "Hey! Be nice to him! He's cool! He's not just any old trashy –looking dirt-bag, he's trashy-looking Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor! So SHUT UP you LOSER!" "Legolas, sit down and shut up!" Aragorn, formally known as Strider, shouted. Elrond stood again, this time looking out for pebbles.
"It must be destroyed. It is, after all the source of all evil." Everyone stared at the Ring sitting upon a small coffee table and many whispered "oooooh" and "aaaaaah" as they stared. One dwarf stood up, holding his mighty axe in hand. "Well, you bunch of ninnies, don't just stand there. Destroy the little thing!" with these words, he slung his axe down, and as it collided with the Ring, it shattered into many piece, some of which were too small to see, and one of which flew into the deep brown eye of Legolas Greenleaf. "Oooow!" he screeched, "Ow, ow, ow, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts! Mommy, make it go away!" Gally steeped forward, while Phoenix moaned "Shut up you little wimp," and looked into his eyes, which were now blue. "Hey...." she mumbled, "Weren't your eyes—" "No! My eyes have.... Erm.... Always been blue. ALWAYS." Gally shrugged, told him to blink a few times, and caught a small piece of metal lodged in his eye. "Anyway," Lord Elrond continued, "The thing isn't something you can easily break with an axe or a soldering iron." "A soldering iron of Justice, perhaps?" suggested a distance voice that seemed to belong to the Goose. "No!" Elrond demanded "It's gotta be destroyed deep within the fires of Mount Doom, the very place it was created. Ha, so coincidental...." he chuckled, but his last words were covered by the shouts and arguments of others. Things like "I won't see this responsibility in the hands of an elf!" and "Bite me, you moronic dwarf," and "Okay," and "Ow! That wasn't literal!" and many similar sounding voices shouting "give it to the Goose, sounds like a good plan to me!" could be heard. Finally, one small voice rang brave and true over all the rest and was heard loud and clear, as the speaker stood true and tall.
"I will take the Ring." Frodo Baggins said courageously. This was followed by a snigger, and Phoenix mumbling "Dead hobbit walking." Gandalf had heard this remark and rested his hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "He needs guidance, I will stand by his side." "Yes,' Aragorn said, "You have my sword, little one." This was almost immeadiatley followed by a giddy sounding voice screaming, "Oh! And my bow! My bow!" (Here, a faint whisper of "Oh! I wanna go with the hot guy!" was heard from Gally) "I get to work with the rightful King of Gondor.... This is so exciting!" The dwarf, Gimli, son of Gloin, stood up straight and as tall as he could get, and over-dramatically stated, "And my axe!" his over-dramatization did not go unnoticed In fact, everyone stared. He stared around, thinking of an explanation. He simply muttered, "What? It's a big thing! Oh.... Sod off, the whole lot of you!" Boromir disregarded this and continued. "This will not end well. I guarantee you will all die. Bu my father keep dragging me along with him to classes about how to make whicker baskets, and I've gotten rather bored. Plus, my ability to make whickers baskets may some day aid the lot of you/. I will join." Gally could resist no longer. "I WANNA GO ON THE LIFE-THREATENING MISSION WITH THE HOT GUY! We're going too!" Maniac cheered, wanting a good adventure and Phoenix groaned, and said something about lack of sleep. Sam, followed by Merry and Pippin had no particular cue and needed and excuse to move, so the three ran up and insisted they go along. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission.... Quest.... Thing." Pippin declared, which Merry followed up with "Guess that leaves you out then, Pip." Phoenix looked at Gally, "You too, Gal." She was then slapped. "You too, Goose!" Phoenix shouted, "I know you're coming along." He approached them and stood with the group.
"Very well." Lord Elrond declared, "You are the Fellowship of the Ring. Oooh, sounds fancy, doesn't it? Anyway, people will want to steal that Ring from you, boy—er hobbit—so the lot of you will go under cover as traveling bards. Two of the hobbits will be equipped with tambourines, the other two with maracas. The elf gets a harp, and the dwarf gets a flute, just because irony is good and you'll need some cheering up. The two humans get trumpets.... Make that the one human, Boromir seems to already have a horn. Funny, I thought the 'Horn of Gondor' was an innuendo for something else...." "They're all lies!" Boromir insisted, and Elrond continued, "The scrawny.... Thing gets a triangle" (here the Goose was heard mumbling "This triangle is kinda heavy,") "And the four females get these bagpipes" (here Phoenix shouted "woohoo" and attempted to make a sound on her bagpipes) "Gandalf, oh mighty Grey one, you get this." Elrond handed him his instrument. "Elrond, this is a carrot." Gandalf muttered. "Oh.... Right.... I meant to give you this banjo.... Sorry." So there they stood, fourteen not-incredibly-prestigious creatures. Each carrying instruments. They began their journey to destroy the nefarious Ring.
A/N: The real Gally Gold is forcing me to thank her for the Elrond flashback, which in truth is hers. Thanks!!! Also, quick disclaimer—in chapter one I used a lyric from the song "Ob la di, ob la da" by the Beatles. It's.... Not mine.
Keep those reviews coming!!!
When Frodo woke up he found the figure of Gandalf the Grey sitting by his bed. "W-where am I?" Frodo mumbled, rubbing his temples. "You are at the Houses of Healing at Rivendell. And it is three o'clock in the afternoon. Three o'clock! You're one lazy hobbit." "Who are you?" Frodo said wearily, as he looked to the face of a female, young and dark haired. "I," she said cheerfully, "am Jewels. Fear not, I am friend to Gandalf the Grey." "I wouldn't go that far...." Gandalf, who sat in the corner mumbled to himself, and then louder he said, "You barely made it! We are glad to see you alive. I am sorry I did not meet you in the Bree. I was.... Delayed...."
Flash back
".... Huckleberry.... Did I mention that already? What about grapes? Are those considered berries?" Jewels said s she stared at the sky thoughtfully. "Sorry...." Gandalf said in a pained voice as Saruman suspended him over he edge of the tower, "I'm kind of preoccupied." Saruman slammed the great wizard back onto the tower. "That hurt!" "Sorry...." Saruman whispered, "Gee, Gandalf the Grey sure complains a lot...." "I heard that!" "Well aren't you special?" "Yeah, I, AM!" "W-well.... I'm a more powerful wizard than you, so ha! In your greasy-haired face!" "No your not, everyone just pitied you so they said you were the most wise and powerful wizard ever." Saruman's initial look of shock turned to rage quite quickly. "Take it back! Take it back!" He then broke into tears. "I only want to please people! I'm really not that bad.... Just a little psychopathic and evil.... But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person!"
Gandalf whispered to Jewels, as Saruman sobbed furiously, "When I give the word, jump off the edge of the tower." "Are you crazy?" "Just do it." "What's the word?" "Um.... I don't know how about.... Bucklebury Ferry?" "Okay."
He then resumed his conversation with the white wizard, scrambling to his feet and gazing over the edge of the great tower. "Um.... It'll be fine Saruman. Maybe you could get a new job, something that would please people more. Y'know.... Something a little less--How should I put this nicely?-- Evil." He constantly found himself unconsciously gazing over the edge of the tower. "Thank you, Gandy.... Can I call you Gandy?" Saruman had crumpled to his knees, sobbing into his sparkling white robes. "Yeah.... Sure. What ever makes you feel better." Saruman sniffled a couple of times and scrambled to his feet. "Thank you, Gandy.... You are kind to me." "Yeah.... Um.... Thanks. " Gandalf peered over the tower one last time to see his ride arrive. "Bucklebury Ferry," He whispered, "Bucklebury Ferry...."
Jewels did nothing. The Great wizard cleared his throat and spoke slightly louder, "Bucklebury FERRY!" Jewels found a small pebble and tossed it over the edge. Gandalf gave up, and shoved Jewel over the edge. Her cry as she fell was "Hey, I dropped my pebble!" However, Saruman noticed what Gandalf had done—and was doing. His eyes suddenly became insane and filled with hatred. "Gandalf.... You're not going anywhere." "Afraid I am.... Got a flight to catch." The White wizard's eyes welled with tears again. "Damn it, Gandalf, don't leave me here all ALONE!" "I'd love to stay and chat but.... That's a lie. Goodbye." And with that, he jumped, landing on top of Jewels and the Eagle.
End Flashback
Frodo looked at the wizard curiously. "Did all that really happen?" "No," Jewels said plainly, "We made the whole thing up. Of course it happened." Just then, Sam rushed in. "Frodo? MisterFrodo? You're awake!" Sam immeadiatley ran over to where his master lay and flung his arms about the other hobbit's shoulders. "Sam's barely left your side." Gandalf almost laughed as he said this. Jewels did laugh, and mumbled, "We were starting to suspect something...."
Soon, Frodo was up and out of bed, greeting his friends. Jewels insisted on being his escort, along with Sam. They were all introduced. Merry and Pippin were ecstatic to see Frodo up and about. Phoenix, Maniac and Gally were happy, but a bit preoccupied in the elven land with their constant games of "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing." Strangely enough, Merry and Pippin didn't seem to mind when they were forced to join in. The Goose was mortified when he saw Frodo alive, and reluctantly gave Merry and Pippin a few gold pieces, as well as a couple of carrots for his lost bet.
Frodo found himself falling in love with this beautiful land. He wandered mindlessly for hours and loved every second of it. One eventful afternoon of wandering, he found Sam out on a balcony, packing his bags. "Packing already? I thought you were dying to see the elves." Frodo grinned, however his voice was concerned and curious.
".... Cashew, pecan, walnut, hazelnut. There. All the nuts known to.... Anyone." Phoenix, Maniac, and Pippin stared at Jewels in awe. The four had gotten bored of playing "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing" and decided to take a walk. Merry and Gally however, were captivated. "How did you...." Phoenix began, but she was quickly cut off by Pippin. "Shh.... Look! Sam and Frodo!" he grinned and giggled slightly, "Nothing is more fun that listening to their private conversations." Maniac laughed maniacally and grinned widely, gesturing for all of them to crouch behind a near by shrubbery.
"Well...." Sam's voice sounded distant his eyes moved and he looked straight at Frodo, "We did what Gandalf said. We got the Ring this far. I was just thinking, maybe we could be getting home now." He looked at the ground and kicked some dirt. His eyes then greeted Frodo's once more. They seemed to plea for something.
"Why is Sam looking at Frodo like?" Maniac whispered with curiosity, "Oh my God, he's GAY isn't he?" "Nah...." Phoenix's voice was equally curious; "He had a girlfriend, Rosie something.... Didn't he?" They both turned to Pippin. "Yeah.... I think so.... But now that you mention it...."
Frodo smiled at his friend weakly. Sam loved the Shire. "You're right Sam. I'll talk to Gandalf. We'll leave as soon as we can." Sam smiled back, and Frodo continued wandering. Phoenix and Maniac were devastated. "That was it?" Phoenix shouted. Maniac glared and said, "What? No 'I love you dearly Frodo, I always have'? What is with these guys?"
Frodo soon found his Uncle Bilbo. Since they had last seen each other, Bilbo had completed his book. 'There and Back Again,' he had called it, and given his first copy to Frodo. He now called Frodo into his quarters to give him more gifts.
"Here, Frodo," he reached around and found something "I want you to have this. It's my old sword, Sting. Made by the elves! The blade glows red when orcs are near." "Red, Uncle Bilbo?" "Did I say red? I meant blue."
Gally and Merry had frightened off every male elf in the area and were now bored. They wandered in silence briefly until they came upon an open window where they found Frodo and Bilbo talking. Bilbo seemed to be holding some kind of armor and giving it to Frodo.
"Mithril. Light as a feather, and hard as dragon scales." Bilbo said, handing the armor to Frodo, "Let me see it on you!" Frodo slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Almost too slowly. Slowly enough to cause Gally to hiss, "Would you hurry up already?" The Ring was revealed in a chain around his neck. "My Ring...." Bilbo stared at it; "You keep it around your neck? I always kept it in my pocket. Loved that riddle much I did. 'What have I got in my pocket?' Heh.... Yes, the good old days." He stared at the Ring against Frodo's pale white skin a bit longer, and finally asked his burning question. "Frodo.... Do you spit or swallow?" Not that question! "Frodo.... I would dearly love to hold me Ring again.... If you could just...." Frodo began to button his shirt again.... Much too slowly. Bilbo turned away, but quickly turned back, hissing. His pearly white teeth became black and yellow fangs. His eyes grew dark and evil. His hand was more like a claw that ever as he reached for his nephew's throat. He recoiled immeadiatley, sobbing. Frodo looked concerned and walk over to him. "I'm sorry my boy... that you must carry this burden," Bilbo whined tearfully, "I'm sorry for everything!" Gally stared at this scene in confusion. "What's wrong with him?" she whispered to Merry, who replied "PMS?"
Elrond, Gandalf, and the Goose walked together, talking. Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, now seemed dark. "No, seriously, Gandalf, I'm not kidding. You're getting that Ring out of here." "But Elrond," Gandalf pleaded, "It looks so pretty on your finger!" "Oh you're just saying that. But seriously, we're already at war; we don't need anyone else trying to kill us all. It's not exactly.... Fun."
A/N: Screw this, I'm moving to a new conversation.
"So. Elly, who do you think will be the most powerful race once all the great races have fallen?" Gandalf questioned. "You DARE to call the great Lord Elrond 'Elly?' My dear Gandalf, you have been smoking too much pipe- weed.The elves will rule forever." Elrond demanded. The Goose looked perplexed, "But isn't the race slowly fad—" "The ELVEN race will RULE FOREVER!" "Bu—" "THE ELVEN RACE WILL RULE FOREVER!" Gandalf cleared his throat and interjected "I think the race of Men holds great potential." "MEN SUCK!" Elrond shouted. "Shut up, Agent Smith!" Goose shout in retaliation. Gandalf and Elrond stared in confusion. "Ummm...." Gandalf mumbled. Elrond turned to Gandalf and began, "So, anyway.... I was there when the race of Men failed. All evil should have been destroyed that day, but alas, because of Men it was allowed to prevail."
Flashback
Sweat poured down Lord Elrond's face from the heat of the volcano. He and Isildur stood at the crack of Mount Doom, prepared to destroy the horrid Ring. Elrond gestured for Isildur to throw it in. "Dude, burn the Ring!" Isildur stood his ground, and smiled wickedly. "Dude, like now while we like have the chance! Burn it!" "No WAY, man. I'm keepin' this trippy little thing."
End Flashback
Gandalf stared at his old friend with new terror. "Elrond.... I had no idea.... You talked like a surfer when you were young...." "Well, now you know!" Elrond sobbed. The Goose mumbled "Sissy," and wandered off to find his master.
The Lady Arwen stood on the bridge, waiting for her darling to meet her. The only sound was the trickling of the water below her. And a rustling in the bushes. And Strider calling to her "Where are you, Awen? I'm lost!" Arwen twirled around to see him facing her. "Oh...." he mumbled, "I guess I'm not lost then." Arwen ignored this and look deep into his blue eyes with her's. "Do you remember what I said to you when we first met?" Strider looked as if he were in deep thought, then looked to the sky, then back to Arwen. "You said 'What's this? And Ranger caught off his guard?'" "No, you idiot, we met before that!" "Look.... If you've been stalking me...." "No! I—" She was cut off by the Goose shouting "Master! Where are you? You have been called to a secret meeting!" An unfamiliar voice of a commoner said "Hey, awesome! Secret meeting!" "Guess it isn't so secret anymore...." Goose mumbled. Strider whipped around, calling "Goose! Where are you?" He did not notice that Arwen had been knocked into the water below. "Hey! Down here! You idiot! I can't swim well!" Arwen's voice trailed off as the current swept her away.
People from every province, of every species attended this not-so-secret- anymore meeting of Elrond's. The elven lord sat proud and tall. With the greatest of honour in his voice, he announced "This is the One Ring. We must do something about it." The noble man stood up slowly, took one step forward, slipped on a bunch of pebbles, and fell to the ground. "Ow...." he mumbled. He then noticed three human-looking girls sitting across from him. "What are you three doing here?" he shouted. Gally stood, making sure not to trip on some pebbles, and said, "We are all three ladies of Forlindon. We would not wish for our province to go unnoticed. As for Jewels.... Well, she's just plain cool." "Oh.... Okay." Gally seemed annoyed, and finally she stomped her foot and shouted, "Aren't ANY of you going to be shocked?" A few mumbles of "Oh shut up" and "Sit down already," and one loud shout that appeared to have come from Maniac said, "Your blonde is showing!" Gally sat down constantly looking for the blonde showing o her hair. One man, who was sitting in the corner, stood up and shouted, "It is a gift! We should use this great thing to our advantage!" "No, noble Boromir!" Strider shouted, "You can not wield it!" "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Wilis?" A blonde elf stood up and shouted "Hey! Be nice to him! He's cool! He's not just any old trashy –looking dirt-bag, he's trashy-looking Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor! So SHUT UP you LOSER!" "Legolas, sit down and shut up!" Aragorn, formally known as Strider, shouted. Elrond stood again, this time looking out for pebbles.
"It must be destroyed. It is, after all the source of all evil." Everyone stared at the Ring sitting upon a small coffee table and many whispered "oooooh" and "aaaaaah" as they stared. One dwarf stood up, holding his mighty axe in hand. "Well, you bunch of ninnies, don't just stand there. Destroy the little thing!" with these words, he slung his axe down, and as it collided with the Ring, it shattered into many piece, some of which were too small to see, and one of which flew into the deep brown eye of Legolas Greenleaf. "Oooow!" he screeched, "Ow, ow, ow, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts! Mommy, make it go away!" Gally steeped forward, while Phoenix moaned "Shut up you little wimp," and looked into his eyes, which were now blue. "Hey...." she mumbled, "Weren't your eyes—" "No! My eyes have.... Erm.... Always been blue. ALWAYS." Gally shrugged, told him to blink a few times, and caught a small piece of metal lodged in his eye. "Anyway," Lord Elrond continued, "The thing isn't something you can easily break with an axe or a soldering iron." "A soldering iron of Justice, perhaps?" suggested a distance voice that seemed to belong to the Goose. "No!" Elrond demanded "It's gotta be destroyed deep within the fires of Mount Doom, the very place it was created. Ha, so coincidental...." he chuckled, but his last words were covered by the shouts and arguments of others. Things like "I won't see this responsibility in the hands of an elf!" and "Bite me, you moronic dwarf," and "Okay," and "Ow! That wasn't literal!" and many similar sounding voices shouting "give it to the Goose, sounds like a good plan to me!" could be heard. Finally, one small voice rang brave and true over all the rest and was heard loud and clear, as the speaker stood true and tall.
"I will take the Ring." Frodo Baggins said courageously. This was followed by a snigger, and Phoenix mumbling "Dead hobbit walking." Gandalf had heard this remark and rested his hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "He needs guidance, I will stand by his side." "Yes,' Aragorn said, "You have my sword, little one." This was almost immeadiatley followed by a giddy sounding voice screaming, "Oh! And my bow! My bow!" (Here, a faint whisper of "Oh! I wanna go with the hot guy!" was heard from Gally) "I get to work with the rightful King of Gondor.... This is so exciting!" The dwarf, Gimli, son of Gloin, stood up straight and as tall as he could get, and over-dramatically stated, "And my axe!" his over-dramatization did not go unnoticed In fact, everyone stared. He stared around, thinking of an explanation. He simply muttered, "What? It's a big thing! Oh.... Sod off, the whole lot of you!" Boromir disregarded this and continued. "This will not end well. I guarantee you will all die. Bu my father keep dragging me along with him to classes about how to make whicker baskets, and I've gotten rather bored. Plus, my ability to make whickers baskets may some day aid the lot of you/. I will join." Gally could resist no longer. "I WANNA GO ON THE LIFE-THREATENING MISSION WITH THE HOT GUY! We're going too!" Maniac cheered, wanting a good adventure and Phoenix groaned, and said something about lack of sleep. Sam, followed by Merry and Pippin had no particular cue and needed and excuse to move, so the three ran up and insisted they go along. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission.... Quest.... Thing." Pippin declared, which Merry followed up with "Guess that leaves you out then, Pip." Phoenix looked at Gally, "You too, Gal." She was then slapped. "You too, Goose!" Phoenix shouted, "I know you're coming along." He approached them and stood with the group.
"Very well." Lord Elrond declared, "You are the Fellowship of the Ring. Oooh, sounds fancy, doesn't it? Anyway, people will want to steal that Ring from you, boy—er hobbit—so the lot of you will go under cover as traveling bards. Two of the hobbits will be equipped with tambourines, the other two with maracas. The elf gets a harp, and the dwarf gets a flute, just because irony is good and you'll need some cheering up. The two humans get trumpets.... Make that the one human, Boromir seems to already have a horn. Funny, I thought the 'Horn of Gondor' was an innuendo for something else...." "They're all lies!" Boromir insisted, and Elrond continued, "The scrawny.... Thing gets a triangle" (here the Goose was heard mumbling "This triangle is kinda heavy,") "And the four females get these bagpipes" (here Phoenix shouted "woohoo" and attempted to make a sound on her bagpipes) "Gandalf, oh mighty Grey one, you get this." Elrond handed him his instrument. "Elrond, this is a carrot." Gandalf muttered. "Oh.... Right.... I meant to give you this banjo.... Sorry." So there they stood, fourteen not-incredibly-prestigious creatures. Each carrying instruments. They began their journey to destroy the nefarious Ring.
A/N: The real Gally Gold is forcing me to thank her for the Elrond flashback, which in truth is hers. Thanks!!! Also, quick disclaimer—in chapter one I used a lyric from the song "Ob la di, ob la da" by the Beatles. It's.... Not mine.
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