Disclaimer: I don't own any of these wonderful characters.... I'm glad I don't own some of them....
Credit: Kudos to my brother Eddy for coming up with Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! He invented it for me to use! And more Kudos to PrincessMiyako and Squirtlerocker for helping me plan ideas! We were high on chocolate on Thanksgiving, and this is the result!
Notes: I don't hate any Snapey fangirls out there! I really don't! But I do suspect that Snapey would NOT be thrilled at the prospect of having a ton of swooning girls around him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM
Draco Malfoy slouched down the hallway toward Professor Snape's office, grumbling.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he groused. "Begging him for extra credit like this... but Father will kill me if I fail Potions...."
Draco's lifetime of goofing off and teasing Gryffindors had finally caught up with him. Professor Snape had called him back after class the other day to warn him that his Potions grade was exceptionally low. "You'll have to see me for some extra credit, Mr. Malfoy," Snape had ordered. Well, on the up side, Draco supposed Professor Snape hadn't offered *Potter* any extra credit.
Draco turned a corner and found himself at the door of Snape's office. He pushed it open and peered inside. "Professor Snape?" There was no answer, so Draco went inside to wait. He had only been in there for three seconds when Snape's voice hissed, "There, now... one for *YOU*, Lupin.... and another for Black.. and *another* for Black.... and *ANOTHER* for Black...."
This didn't sound like something Draco should be hearing, so he jumped into a cupboard right by the door, leaving it open a crack so he could see what was going on.
Snape was standing in front of a cauldron filled with some potion that bubbled and smoked. In on hand he held some pins, and in the other he held two small dolls. Squinting, Draco could see that the two dolls greatly resembled people he had seen before - his third year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin; and the escaped murderer, Sirius Black. What was this?
Horrified, Draco watched as Snape stuck another pin in the Black doll.
~At Remus Lupin's house~
"AHH GODS!!!" Sirius screamed, balled up on the floor in agony. "GOD, IT HURTS!!!!! OH GOD!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!"
Remus moaned, clutching his arm. "OOOHHHH GOD......."
~Snape's office~
"That takes care of *YOU*, Black," Snape hissed angrily at the doll. "And your little boyfriend too!" Draco raised an eyebrow. Was it possible? Was Professor Snape... practicing voodoo?
His question was soon answered. Snape picked up both dolls and whispered, "Prepare yourselves... for my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
And with that, he tossed both dolls into the cauldron.
~At Remus Lupin's house~
"AAAHHHHHH!" Sirius screamed, frantically undressing in an attempt to cool down. "WHAT *IS* THIS?! I'M BOILING!!!"
"I FEEL LIKE A LOBSTER!" Remus wailed......
~Back at Snape's~
"There now," Snape cackled. "Black and Lupin are done for... but now.... I need...."
He pointed his wand at his throat, muttered, "Sonorus!", then shouted, "POTTER! GET IN HERE!" Then he magicked his Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM into a hole in the floor, and put a trapdoor over it. Draco frowned. Was it a trap?
Two minutes later, Harry Potter came skidding into the room, stopping straight on the trapdoor. "You called me, Professor?" he asked meekly.
Yes, Potter," Snape replied, a terrible grin spreading across his face. "Welcome, to my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
And with that, he pressed a large button (labeled "THE BUTTON") that was on his desk. The trapdoor opened, and Potter fell into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Potter wailed, but it was too late. The potion in the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM had sucked him in.
Snape began laughing hysterically as he magicked the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM back to its proper spot on the fire. "Finally! All the Potters are dead!" he sniggered. "And now.... THIS!"
He seized a bottle of shampoo that was sitting on his desk. A tag on it read, "To Severus, from Sirius and Remus". Draco supposed Black and Lupin had given it to him as a joke.
Snape threw the shampoo into the cauldron. "THERE YOU GO, BLACK!" he shrieked. "YOUR STUPID 'WITTY' JOKES WON'T SAVE YOU IN HELL!" He paused. "And same for Lupin, too," he said. "Yeah, that's it."
He crossed to his desk and pulled out a folder labeled 'Secret Crushes'. Fascinated, Draco leaned forward to get a closer look. Snape began pulling out photos and throwing them into the cauldron, muttering darkly the whole time.
"Lockhart....... gods, he's sexy, but too arrogant...... Ron Weasley..... I *love* redheads....... but no.... he's Potter's best friend....... mmm, Lupin.... he always was fantastic eye candy.... mmm.... too bad he's Black's little whore....... Black wasn't too bad himself, practicing Quidditch in those lovely leather trousers of his.... Lucius........."
Draco gulped, watching Snape throw the file into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM. He had never imagined Snape to -er - prefer men.... especially his father.......
"And *this* will have to go, too," Snape muttered, picking up a copy of Lockhart's "Magical Me". "If anyone found it here... they might suspect...... my crush...."
He tossed it into the fire, then looked at the clock.
"Very good.... I'll have to do it now......."
With that, he swept out of the room.
~At Moody's House~
Mad-Eye Moody was just getting into bed when he heard a bang and a rattle outside. It sounded like his dustbins again.
"What the hell...." he grumbled angrily, getting out of bed and limping to the window. The first thing he saw was a figure, wrapped in a black cloak, running across the garden carrying his dustbins!
"Hold it right there, laddie!" Moody shouted out the window.
The "laddie" turned around and made a very rude gesture, and Moody saw who it was - Severus Snape.
"Snape, then, eh?" Moody growled, and began dressing. "I'll get him... goddam good-for-nothing Death Eater...." He Apperated to Snape's office.
~Back at Snape's~
Snape leaned casually against his Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM, cleaning his fingernails and looking rather unconcerned. Draco was getting cramped in this stuffy cupboard, and he wanted to get out..... but he didn't want Professor Snape to know what he had seen.
There was a *pop* noise, and suddenly Mad-Eye Moody Apperated before Snape.
"Hello, Snape," he growled. "Hand me my dustbins. You don't need them, eh? What do you want them for?"
Not bothering to reply, Snape smirked and tossed the dustbins into the cauldron.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Moody. "MY DUSTBINS! FALLEN VICTIM TO THE BUBBLING CAULDRON OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!" Losing his mind completely, he jumped straight into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM - which was what Snape wanted!
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Snape laughed hysterically. "Moody is gone! Now I'll never have to listen to him accuse me EVER AGAIN!!!!" He paused. "Now.... for the bane of my existence - well, now that Potter's gone - LONGBOTTOM."
As if on cue, the door opened and Neville Longbottom peeked in. "Er - Professor... is my toad here?"
"Why, yes, Longbottom," Snape purred, holding up Trevor the toad (who had just appeared in his hands, thanks to a mystical wormhole). "Come here."
Longbottom came in, followed by Professor McGonagall. Draco had thought Snape would be more cautious if McGonagall was there too, but he wasn't. He threw Trevor straight into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
"Go save him, Longbottom!" Snape barked, and Longbottom jumped in straight away.
"SEVERUS!" McGonagall gasped. "What are you doing?!"
Snape smirked and held up a mouse. McGonagall began to quiver excitedly, looking at the mouse. She transformed into a cat and meowed, looking up at the mouse. "Catch it if you can," Snape sneered, and threw the mouse into the cauldron. McGonagall pounced, not thinking - and sunk into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
Draco's eyes widened. What was Snape playing at? Was he trying to get rid of everything - *everyone* - he hated by throwing them into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM?
The answer, of course, was yes.
Next, Snape reached under his desk and hauled out a cardboard box that seemed to be stuffed with letters.
"Bloody fangirls...." he muttered. "Sending me love letters..... 'I love you, Sev!' ...... NO ONE has the right to call ME Sev.... ooooh, unless Lupin would.... "
And with that, he threw the box into the cauldron.
"Now, where are those wretched naked fan arts I confiscated?" he wondered. "Ah, yes! The cupboard!!"
Draco squeaked. Before he could even start an invisibility spell, the cupboard door opened and Professor Snape stood before him.
"Mr. Malfoy?" he gasped, looking paler than usual. "You - saw - heard... all that?"
Draco fell to his knees, his hands held out. "Please, Professor Snape, don't throw me in the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
Recovering quickly, Snape smiled sweetly and stroked Draco's hair. "I wouldn't *dream* of tossing *you* into my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM, Dracipoo," he purred seductively. "You're just too... sweet.... for that..." - his eyes ran up and down Draco's slim frame - "My little chiquita....." He pulled Draco close and kissed his forehead. "Come now..... I have a surprise for you...."
His picked Draco up and carried him into his private chamber, and laid him on a magnificent four-poster waterbed. Over the bed hung a sign reading "Snape's Hot Spot for Lovin'".
Draco gulped as Snape began to disrobe. "I get extra credit in Potions on this, right?"
THE END!
(A/N: All you Snapey fangirls out there - don't flame me! I still like you! But Snape really isn't some sort of teen idol, you know........)
Credit: Kudos to my brother Eddy for coming up with Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! He invented it for me to use! And more Kudos to PrincessMiyako and Squirtlerocker for helping me plan ideas! We were high on chocolate on Thanksgiving, and this is the result!
Notes: I don't hate any Snapey fangirls out there! I really don't! But I do suspect that Snapey would NOT be thrilled at the prospect of having a ton of swooning girls around him.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM
Draco Malfoy slouched down the hallway toward Professor Snape's office, grumbling.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," he groused. "Begging him for extra credit like this... but Father will kill me if I fail Potions...."
Draco's lifetime of goofing off and teasing Gryffindors had finally caught up with him. Professor Snape had called him back after class the other day to warn him that his Potions grade was exceptionally low. "You'll have to see me for some extra credit, Mr. Malfoy," Snape had ordered. Well, on the up side, Draco supposed Professor Snape hadn't offered *Potter* any extra credit.
Draco turned a corner and found himself at the door of Snape's office. He pushed it open and peered inside. "Professor Snape?" There was no answer, so Draco went inside to wait. He had only been in there for three seconds when Snape's voice hissed, "There, now... one for *YOU*, Lupin.... and another for Black.. and *another* for Black.... and *ANOTHER* for Black...."
This didn't sound like something Draco should be hearing, so he jumped into a cupboard right by the door, leaving it open a crack so he could see what was going on.
Snape was standing in front of a cauldron filled with some potion that bubbled and smoked. In on hand he held some pins, and in the other he held two small dolls. Squinting, Draco could see that the two dolls greatly resembled people he had seen before - his third year Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Lupin; and the escaped murderer, Sirius Black. What was this?
Horrified, Draco watched as Snape stuck another pin in the Black doll.
~At Remus Lupin's house~
"AHH GODS!!!" Sirius screamed, balled up on the floor in agony. "GOD, IT HURTS!!!!! OH GOD!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!"
Remus moaned, clutching his arm. "OOOHHHH GOD......."
~Snape's office~
"That takes care of *YOU*, Black," Snape hissed angrily at the doll. "And your little boyfriend too!" Draco raised an eyebrow. Was it possible? Was Professor Snape... practicing voodoo?
His question was soon answered. Snape picked up both dolls and whispered, "Prepare yourselves... for my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
And with that, he tossed both dolls into the cauldron.
~At Remus Lupin's house~
"AAAHHHHHH!" Sirius screamed, frantically undressing in an attempt to cool down. "WHAT *IS* THIS?! I'M BOILING!!!"
"I FEEL LIKE A LOBSTER!" Remus wailed......
~Back at Snape's~
"There now," Snape cackled. "Black and Lupin are done for... but now.... I need...."
He pointed his wand at his throat, muttered, "Sonorus!", then shouted, "POTTER! GET IN HERE!" Then he magicked his Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM into a hole in the floor, and put a trapdoor over it. Draco frowned. Was it a trap?
Two minutes later, Harry Potter came skidding into the room, stopping straight on the trapdoor. "You called me, Professor?" he asked meekly.
Yes, Potter," Snape replied, a terrible grin spreading across his face. "Welcome, to my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
And with that, he pressed a large button (labeled "THE BUTTON") that was on his desk. The trapdoor opened, and Potter fell into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Potter wailed, but it was too late. The potion in the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM had sucked him in.
Snape began laughing hysterically as he magicked the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM back to its proper spot on the fire. "Finally! All the Potters are dead!" he sniggered. "And now.... THIS!"
He seized a bottle of shampoo that was sitting on his desk. A tag on it read, "To Severus, from Sirius and Remus". Draco supposed Black and Lupin had given it to him as a joke.
Snape threw the shampoo into the cauldron. "THERE YOU GO, BLACK!" he shrieked. "YOUR STUPID 'WITTY' JOKES WON'T SAVE YOU IN HELL!" He paused. "And same for Lupin, too," he said. "Yeah, that's it."
He crossed to his desk and pulled out a folder labeled 'Secret Crushes'. Fascinated, Draco leaned forward to get a closer look. Snape began pulling out photos and throwing them into the cauldron, muttering darkly the whole time.
"Lockhart....... gods, he's sexy, but too arrogant...... Ron Weasley..... I *love* redheads....... but no.... he's Potter's best friend....... mmm, Lupin.... he always was fantastic eye candy.... mmm.... too bad he's Black's little whore....... Black wasn't too bad himself, practicing Quidditch in those lovely leather trousers of his.... Lucius........."
Draco gulped, watching Snape throw the file into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM. He had never imagined Snape to -er - prefer men.... especially his father.......
"And *this* will have to go, too," Snape muttered, picking up a copy of Lockhart's "Magical Me". "If anyone found it here... they might suspect...... my crush...."
He tossed it into the fire, then looked at the clock.
"Very good.... I'll have to do it now......."
With that, he swept out of the room.
~At Moody's House~
Mad-Eye Moody was just getting into bed when he heard a bang and a rattle outside. It sounded like his dustbins again.
"What the hell...." he grumbled angrily, getting out of bed and limping to the window. The first thing he saw was a figure, wrapped in a black cloak, running across the garden carrying his dustbins!
"Hold it right there, laddie!" Moody shouted out the window.
The "laddie" turned around and made a very rude gesture, and Moody saw who it was - Severus Snape.
"Snape, then, eh?" Moody growled, and began dressing. "I'll get him... goddam good-for-nothing Death Eater...." He Apperated to Snape's office.
~Back at Snape's~
Snape leaned casually against his Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM, cleaning his fingernails and looking rather unconcerned. Draco was getting cramped in this stuffy cupboard, and he wanted to get out..... but he didn't want Professor Snape to know what he had seen.
There was a *pop* noise, and suddenly Mad-Eye Moody Apperated before Snape.
"Hello, Snape," he growled. "Hand me my dustbins. You don't need them, eh? What do you want them for?"
Not bothering to reply, Snape smirked and tossed the dustbins into the cauldron.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" screamed Moody. "MY DUSTBINS! FALLEN VICTIM TO THE BUBBLING CAULDRON OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!" Losing his mind completely, he jumped straight into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM - which was what Snape wanted!
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Snape laughed hysterically. "Moody is gone! Now I'll never have to listen to him accuse me EVER AGAIN!!!!" He paused. "Now.... for the bane of my existence - well, now that Potter's gone - LONGBOTTOM."
As if on cue, the door opened and Neville Longbottom peeked in. "Er - Professor... is my toad here?"
"Why, yes, Longbottom," Snape purred, holding up Trevor the toad (who had just appeared in his hands, thanks to a mystical wormhole). "Come here."
Longbottom came in, followed by Professor McGonagall. Draco had thought Snape would be more cautious if McGonagall was there too, but he wasn't. He threw Trevor straight into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
"Go save him, Longbottom!" Snape barked, and Longbottom jumped in straight away.
"SEVERUS!" McGonagall gasped. "What are you doing?!"
Snape smirked and held up a mouse. McGonagall began to quiver excitedly, looking at the mouse. She transformed into a cat and meowed, looking up at the mouse. "Catch it if you can," Snape sneered, and threw the mouse into the cauldron. McGonagall pounced, not thinking - and sunk into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!
Draco's eyes widened. What was Snape playing at? Was he trying to get rid of everything - *everyone* - he hated by throwing them into the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM?
The answer, of course, was yes.
Next, Snape reached under his desk and hauled out a cardboard box that seemed to be stuffed with letters.
"Bloody fangirls...." he muttered. "Sending me love letters..... 'I love you, Sev!' ...... NO ONE has the right to call ME Sev.... ooooh, unless Lupin would.... "
And with that, he threw the box into the cauldron.
"Now, where are those wretched naked fan arts I confiscated?" he wondered. "Ah, yes! The cupboard!!"
Draco squeaked. Before he could even start an invisibility spell, the cupboard door opened and Professor Snape stood before him.
"Mr. Malfoy?" he gasped, looking paler than usual. "You - saw - heard... all that?"
Draco fell to his knees, his hands held out. "Please, Professor Snape, don't throw me in the Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM!"
Recovering quickly, Snape smiled sweetly and stroked Draco's hair. "I wouldn't *dream* of tossing *you* into my Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM, Dracipoo," he purred seductively. "You're just too... sweet.... for that..." - his eyes ran up and down Draco's slim frame - "My little chiquita....." He pulled Draco close and kissed his forehead. "Come now..... I have a surprise for you...."
His picked Draco up and carried him into his private chamber, and laid him on a magnificent four-poster waterbed. Over the bed hung a sign reading "Snape's Hot Spot for Lovin'".
Draco gulped as Snape began to disrobe. "I get extra credit in Potions on this, right?"
THE END!
(A/N: All you Snapey fangirls out there - don't flame me! I still like you! But Snape really isn't some sort of teen idol, you know........)