Title: Restless souls - Amends
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Following the kiss...It's time to make some decisions..
AUTHORS NOTE: * I'm looking for a beta-reader. Interested? PLEASE ;)
E-mail me....
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
---------
Restless Souls-
Amends
by: Jessica
--------
I know that they hate me.
No good.
Useless.
They try to hide it behind fake smiles
but I know what they are thinking.
I have seen that look a thousand times before.
The look of disappointment.
Disdain.
Hate.
I guess I have never done anything to change their
opinion of me.
Been the bad body.
Acting crazy.
Looking for thrills were I could find them.
Now I have done another stupid thing.
Kissing her.
Rory.
-------------------
I tried to blame the night.
Him.
My dreams.
Everything than the obvious.
I had wanted it.
I had longed for it.
I had liked it.
He came the next morning,
to buy me a cup of coffee.
Not the one I wanted.
Dean.
I wanted to say no.
Afraid I might meet Jess.
But he didn't listen.
Wanted me with him.
So I went.
-------------
I put my head and heart into driving her
out of my system.
Luke had never seen me working so hard.
I had never seen me working so.
Then she came.
Angel.
Rory.
Moved my world.
Moved my circles.
He was with her.
Dean.
She never looked at me.
SEE ME! LOOK AT ME!
Silly me.
Thinking that she might...
Fool.
They sat down at a table.
He took her hand.
Pain ripped at my heart.
Jealousy.
Not my place.
She was never mine in the first place.
I wanted so badly to walk up to her right then and there and
say something.
Anything.
But I couldn't.
Not to her.
------------------
My eyes only saw him.
Jess.
TRAITOR
I tried to kill the voices that kept screaming in my ear
but it was impossible.
Truth hurts, they say.
Maybe they are right.
But I can't stop this from happening.
I can't stop my heart.
I wish I could.
It would be so easy if I just could keep him
out of my heart.
I looked at Dean.
Trying to smile.
Can you love two people at the same time?
Is my heart big enough for them both?
Or am I just fooling myself?
------------
Forget.
That is the best medicine for me now.
Put it behind me.
Act like nothing have happened between us.
Go back to what was before.
I can never have her.
I need to accept that now.
She will never mine.
It's better for both of us if I just
back away now.
Believe me, I would like to see Dean lose her.
To me.
But what can I do?
I could never do anything to harm her.
I can't make her choose.
I'm afraid that she will pick him.
Not me.
So it's better that I walk away now.
I just wish that...
Never mind.
------------
I thought I saw sadness in his eyes as
he walked passed me and out the door.
Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me?
I wanted so desperately to go after him.
To make him understand.
To make him see.
But I had to stay.
He wasn't mine.
Never mine.
---------------
I walked to the bridge.
Searching for peace.
Looking for something.
Anything.
All I could see was her.
I sat down.
Her face was before me.
Rory.
Was I ever alive before her?
Look at me.
Listen to me.
I sound like...
Only a fool love someone you can't have.
That's what I am.
A Fool.
---------------
I found him on the bridge.
His safe place.
Hideaway.
I sat down beside him.
I came to tell him the truth.
I came to save my soul.
I came to push him away.
"Jess."
"Rory."
"Have you told him?"
"Told him what?"
"About the kiss."
"No and promise me you won't."
"Rory..."
"Promise."
"I can't do that."
"You have to!"
"I don't have to do anything!"
"I'm begging you, Jess. I don't want to hurt him."
"You kissed me back, Rory."
"No."
I rise and turn my back to him.
I don't want him to see the truth in my eyes.
"You lie."
"Stop saying that!"
I turned to him.
I wanted him to understand.
That we couldn't go on.
Too much at stake.
Too many people might get hurt.
So I have to push him away.
Shut him out of my heart.
It's better this way.
"It's the truth.."
"No!"
"So, you're telling me you never kissed me back."
He moved closer.
"No..Yes..Oh, I don't.."
My words drowned in his kiss.
Demanding.
Wanting more of me than I wanted to give.
He pulled my closer to him.
My mind went blurry.
His hands found their way under my shirt and touched the sensitive
skin on my back.
All I could see was him.
All I could taste was him.
Madness.
Crazy.
I wanted him.
All of him.
Then reality hit.
Hard.
I broke the kiss.
I pushed him away from me.
There were too much at stake here.
To many people in the way.
His eyes were dark as he reached for me.
"No..."
"Rory."
"Jess, I can't."
He walked towards me.
I had to be strong now.
It was a matter of survival.
I couldn't be with him.
Longing for him.
Wanting him.
Everything at once.
He reached out and took my hand.
I crumbled.
I fell.
I looked into his eyes and saw a love there that I had
dreamt about.
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.
My heart screamed out for him.
To go to him.
Let myself fall.
Let myself love him.
But I couldn't.
So I had to go.
Leave.
Him.
"Please, Jess. I can't. Don't ask me to."
Then I broke free from his touch, turned around and ran away.
-------------------------
I stood there a long time.
Remembering her.
Feeling her.
Tasting her.
Trying to make sense of it all.
I already knew why.
She didn't have to tell me.
I could read it in her eyes.
Dean.
Lorelai.
Everything.
So many things stood between us.
So many obstacles to climb over.
To many.
To many battles to be won.
Maybe she did the right thing.
The easiest way.
Then why does my heart feel so bad?
-------------------------
I went to him to tell him the truth.
To break his heart.
To shatter his soul.
I wish I could stop this from happening.
But there is no way back.
I had to do this.
I can't lie any longer.
His eyes were dark as I told him what had happened.
The kiss.
I saw pain in his eyes.
Anger.
He backed away from me.
Let go of my hand.
I was already missing his touch.
"Dean, please talk to me."
"There is not much more to say."
"Dean..."
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.
He turned his back.
Silence followed.
I spoke first.
Begging him to talk to me.
He turned towards me.
Anger and pride painted his eyes.
I backed away.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
"That I'm happy for you...Is that what you want me to say?!"
"No, of course not. I just.."
"What!? You KISSED him, Rory. HIM."
"Please..Dean..I don't want to.."
"I never thought you of all people could hurt me so."
"It was a mistake."
"You lie."
"No. You have to believe me."
I was losing him. I could feel it with every breath I took.
"Stop lying. For once tell me the truth!"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"Try the truth for once!"
"All I know is that I love you."
"If you did...You wouldn't have kissed him."
I reached for him. But he backed away from me.
I could see pain in his eyes.
Pain I had caused.
"Please, forgive me. I don't want to lose you..."
"You already have..."
Then he walked away from me.
I stood there a long time trying to pick up the pieces of my broken
heart.
I never knew pain before this moment.
I never thought I could feel this..
Lost.
------------------
I can't say that I ran.
I just had to leave.
Stars Hollow.
Uncle Luke wasn't happy to see me go.
He never said anything but I could read his face like
an open book.
It was dark as the bus rolled into Stars Hollow.
To New York.
I had wanted to say goodbye to her.
To explain.
Why.
But I wasn't sure that she had wanted to see me.
She had made things clear with that final meeting on the bridge.
I took one last look.
At Stars Hollow.
I will miss it.
But that I will keep that to myself.
Luke was standing in the window of the diner.
Looking angry.
As he always does.
I couldn't help but smile.
I'll miss him.
Maybe one day not far from now I will return.
Until then I will remember these days.
Her.
Rory.
She has a special place in my heart.
I whispered my goodbye to a town I used to hate so much.
Then I got on the bus and headed back home.
-------------------------
I went to him to be saved.
To talk to someone.
Anyone.
I needed him.
Jess.
I didn't know why.
I didn't want to think about why.
I just wanted him.
To be held by him.
To see his smile.
To listen to his voice.
Hear his laughter.
I walked through the doors of the diner that morning looking for him.
Luke was behind the counter.
He told me the truth.
Jess had left.
Didn't say why.
Just that he had to leave.
I just stood there, in the middle of the diner,
as the sky fell down over me.
Gone.
Had left.
No more Jess.
Looking for answers to questions.
But no answers were given to me.
All I could hear was that it was my fault.
I fell.
-----------------------------------
*Part three is coming soon...It's called "Gone".
FEEDBACK::::j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Following the kiss...It's time to make some decisions..
AUTHORS NOTE: * I'm looking for a beta-reader. Interested? PLEASE ;)
E-mail me....
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
---------
Restless Souls-
Amends
by: Jessica
--------
I know that they hate me.
No good.
Useless.
They try to hide it behind fake smiles
but I know what they are thinking.
I have seen that look a thousand times before.
The look of disappointment.
Disdain.
Hate.
I guess I have never done anything to change their
opinion of me.
Been the bad body.
Acting crazy.
Looking for thrills were I could find them.
Now I have done another stupid thing.
Kissing her.
Rory.
-------------------
I tried to blame the night.
Him.
My dreams.
Everything than the obvious.
I had wanted it.
I had longed for it.
I had liked it.
He came the next morning,
to buy me a cup of coffee.
Not the one I wanted.
Dean.
I wanted to say no.
Afraid I might meet Jess.
But he didn't listen.
Wanted me with him.
So I went.
-------------
I put my head and heart into driving her
out of my system.
Luke had never seen me working so hard.
I had never seen me working so.
Then she came.
Angel.
Rory.
Moved my world.
Moved my circles.
He was with her.
Dean.
She never looked at me.
SEE ME! LOOK AT ME!
Silly me.
Thinking that she might...
Fool.
They sat down at a table.
He took her hand.
Pain ripped at my heart.
Jealousy.
Not my place.
She was never mine in the first place.
I wanted so badly to walk up to her right then and there and
say something.
Anything.
But I couldn't.
Not to her.
------------------
My eyes only saw him.
Jess.
TRAITOR
I tried to kill the voices that kept screaming in my ear
but it was impossible.
Truth hurts, they say.
Maybe they are right.
But I can't stop this from happening.
I can't stop my heart.
I wish I could.
It would be so easy if I just could keep him
out of my heart.
I looked at Dean.
Trying to smile.
Can you love two people at the same time?
Is my heart big enough for them both?
Or am I just fooling myself?
------------
Forget.
That is the best medicine for me now.
Put it behind me.
Act like nothing have happened between us.
Go back to what was before.
I can never have her.
I need to accept that now.
She will never mine.
It's better for both of us if I just
back away now.
Believe me, I would like to see Dean lose her.
To me.
But what can I do?
I could never do anything to harm her.
I can't make her choose.
I'm afraid that she will pick him.
Not me.
So it's better that I walk away now.
I just wish that...
Never mind.
------------
I thought I saw sadness in his eyes as
he walked passed me and out the door.
Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me?
I wanted so desperately to go after him.
To make him understand.
To make him see.
But I had to stay.
He wasn't mine.
Never mine.
---------------
I walked to the bridge.
Searching for peace.
Looking for something.
Anything.
All I could see was her.
I sat down.
Her face was before me.
Rory.
Was I ever alive before her?
Look at me.
Listen to me.
I sound like...
Only a fool love someone you can't have.
That's what I am.
A Fool.
---------------
I found him on the bridge.
His safe place.
Hideaway.
I sat down beside him.
I came to tell him the truth.
I came to save my soul.
I came to push him away.
"Jess."
"Rory."
"Have you told him?"
"Told him what?"
"About the kiss."
"No and promise me you won't."
"Rory..."
"Promise."
"I can't do that."
"You have to!"
"I don't have to do anything!"
"I'm begging you, Jess. I don't want to hurt him."
"You kissed me back, Rory."
"No."
I rise and turn my back to him.
I don't want him to see the truth in my eyes.
"You lie."
"Stop saying that!"
I turned to him.
I wanted him to understand.
That we couldn't go on.
Too much at stake.
Too many people might get hurt.
So I have to push him away.
Shut him out of my heart.
It's better this way.
"It's the truth.."
"No!"
"So, you're telling me you never kissed me back."
He moved closer.
"No..Yes..Oh, I don't.."
My words drowned in his kiss.
Demanding.
Wanting more of me than I wanted to give.
He pulled my closer to him.
My mind went blurry.
His hands found their way under my shirt and touched the sensitive
skin on my back.
All I could see was him.
All I could taste was him.
Madness.
Crazy.
I wanted him.
All of him.
Then reality hit.
Hard.
I broke the kiss.
I pushed him away from me.
There were too much at stake here.
To many people in the way.
His eyes were dark as he reached for me.
"No..."
"Rory."
"Jess, I can't."
He walked towards me.
I had to be strong now.
It was a matter of survival.
I couldn't be with him.
Longing for him.
Wanting him.
Everything at once.
He reached out and took my hand.
I crumbled.
I fell.
I looked into his eyes and saw a love there that I had
dreamt about.
Tears filled my eyes as I looked at him.
My heart screamed out for him.
To go to him.
Let myself fall.
Let myself love him.
But I couldn't.
So I had to go.
Leave.
Him.
"Please, Jess. I can't. Don't ask me to."
Then I broke free from his touch, turned around and ran away.
-------------------------
I stood there a long time.
Remembering her.
Feeling her.
Tasting her.
Trying to make sense of it all.
I already knew why.
She didn't have to tell me.
I could read it in her eyes.
Dean.
Lorelai.
Everything.
So many things stood between us.
So many obstacles to climb over.
To many.
To many battles to be won.
Maybe she did the right thing.
The easiest way.
Then why does my heart feel so bad?
-------------------------
I went to him to tell him the truth.
To break his heart.
To shatter his soul.
I wish I could stop this from happening.
But there is no way back.
I had to do this.
I can't lie any longer.
His eyes were dark as I told him what had happened.
The kiss.
I saw pain in his eyes.
Anger.
He backed away from me.
Let go of my hand.
I was already missing his touch.
"Dean, please talk to me."
"There is not much more to say."
"Dean..."
I reached for him but he avoided my hand.
He turned his back.
Silence followed.
I spoke first.
Begging him to talk to me.
He turned towards me.
Anger and pride painted his eyes.
I backed away.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
"That I'm happy for you...Is that what you want me to say?!"
"No, of course not. I just.."
"What!? You KISSED him, Rory. HIM."
"Please..Dean..I don't want to.."
"I never thought you of all people could hurt me so."
"It was a mistake."
"You lie."
"No. You have to believe me."
I was losing him. I could feel it with every breath I took.
"Stop lying. For once tell me the truth!"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"Try the truth for once!"
"All I know is that I love you."
"If you did...You wouldn't have kissed him."
I reached for him. But he backed away from me.
I could see pain in his eyes.
Pain I had caused.
"Please, forgive me. I don't want to lose you..."
"You already have..."
Then he walked away from me.
I stood there a long time trying to pick up the pieces of my broken
heart.
I never knew pain before this moment.
I never thought I could feel this..
Lost.
------------------
I can't say that I ran.
I just had to leave.
Stars Hollow.
Uncle Luke wasn't happy to see me go.
He never said anything but I could read his face like
an open book.
It was dark as the bus rolled into Stars Hollow.
To New York.
I had wanted to say goodbye to her.
To explain.
Why.
But I wasn't sure that she had wanted to see me.
She had made things clear with that final meeting on the bridge.
I took one last look.
At Stars Hollow.
I will miss it.
But that I will keep that to myself.
Luke was standing in the window of the diner.
Looking angry.
As he always does.
I couldn't help but smile.
I'll miss him.
Maybe one day not far from now I will return.
Until then I will remember these days.
Her.
Rory.
She has a special place in my heart.
I whispered my goodbye to a town I used to hate so much.
Then I got on the bus and headed back home.
-------------------------
I went to him to be saved.
To talk to someone.
Anyone.
I needed him.
Jess.
I didn't know why.
I didn't want to think about why.
I just wanted him.
To be held by him.
To see his smile.
To listen to his voice.
Hear his laughter.
I walked through the doors of the diner that morning looking for him.
Luke was behind the counter.
He told me the truth.
Jess had left.
Didn't say why.
Just that he had to leave.
I just stood there, in the middle of the diner,
as the sky fell down over me.
Gone.
Had left.
No more Jess.
Looking for answers to questions.
But no answers were given to me.
All I could hear was that it was my fault.
I fell.
-----------------------------------
*Part three is coming soon...It's called "Gone".
FEEDBACK::::j_rothen@yahoo.se