Chapter Five: 1974 - 1977
Severus made his way down to the last carriage of the Hogwarts Express, where he would meet Lily as he always did after each holiday they spent at home. From a pocket, he produced a book and settled down next to the window to read. As usual, he was brought out of his reverie a short while later by the sound of the door opening, and cheerful voices swelling in volume. He looked up to see Lily walk in smiling as ever, followed by her Gryffindor friends – James, Remus and, Merlin help him, Sirius Black. Oh yes, there was Peter, following behind.
"I see you managed to survive the summer again, Snape," Black sniped.
Severus opened his mouth to deliver a scathing retort but Lily beat him to it.
"Be nice, or get out, Siri. And don't you say anything, Sev." Her admonitory glare was the equal of anything Severus could produce, even on his better days.
"Yes, mother," he replied, putting a fake sulk into his voice and heaving a long-suffering sigh as she sat down next to him.
"Well, I guess you two will want to catch up," suggested James. "After all, we did all get to spend the last couple of weeks together at Sirius'. So we'll be back in a while."
"Thanks, James." Severus noticed how Lily's smile changed when she looked at James, but refrained from commenting. "So, how was your summer?" she began as the others left.
They fell into the pattern of conversation as if everything was just the same, but Severus couldn't stop thinking about the smile she'd given James. He knew that nothing would have happened yet – she surely would have told him – but he could see that it was only a matter of time. It took several weeks before he realised that what he felt was…jealousy.
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In May of that year Lily came up to him after breakfast one morning looking astonishingly elated. She dragged him into an unused room, and proceeded to tell him all about the fact that James had kissed her for the first time the previous night. He smiled and said he was happy for her, and he was. James would be – was – good for her in a way that he could never be. He also knew that she loved James, but she'd never indicated anything more towards Severus than the friendship they shared. That would simply have to be enough.
Both James and Lily seemed content to allow their relationship to proceed slowly and Severus was very glad that Lily didn't appear to want to change their friendship because of her new closeness to James. He was flattered that she came to him for advice on what to do, especially since he'd never been interested in any of the other girls. After her, they all seemed like…candles beside the sun, or some other ridiculously romantic phrase that he would have paid good money to have scrubbed from his brain.
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He swore he could hear laughter – in that strange boy's voice – in the back of his mind as he thought that.
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A year later, Severus received the shock of his life. Lily came to see him, seeming agitated. He knew better by now than to push her for information, she would tell him what was wrong when she was ready, and he could do nothing to change it. So he looked down at his work and tried to act as if he wasn't watching her every move. The way she fidgeted with her hair, then wove her fingers together in her lap screamed that something serious was going on.
Half an hour after she'd sat down beside him, she began to speak. She started in the middle of a sentence, as if continuing a previous train of thought. It took him a while to figure out what exactly she was saying, and for the first few moments after he did he was sure he had to be misinterpreting it. He'd known she was in love with James for a long time, so that was no surprise. What was astonishing though was what she was saying about him, the strength of the implication that what she felt for James was no less than what she felt for him. Had he been wrong when he thought he knew her feelings?
The opening she'd given him was just too great, the temptation too strong to ignore. The mere hint that his feelings were returned was what he hadn't dared to hope for, and she'd given him so much more than that. He knew he could offer her nothing and that James could give her everything, but he had to tell her how he felt. No, show her. Words had always been his defence, not his honesty. He leaned forward just slightly; close enough to press his lips lightly to hers, and felt an answering pressure from her. Then she stood and practically ran out of the room, presumably back to James.
He'd ruined everything. If it hadn't been beneath his dignity he would have curled up in his chair and just hurt for the rest of the day. He couldn't bear the thought of going to dinner. Let Lily think he was weak if she wanted, he didn't want to cope with seeing she and James together.
Hunger drove him down to breakfast the next day. He couldn't keep from glancing at her once, catching her looking at him. He jerked his eyes away, but couldn't stop the hot flush, part hurt, part anger, which rose in his face. Part guilt too, because James was there beside her.
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More than two weeks after the kiss, Severus was surprised to see Lily approaching him as he sat by the lake, taking advantage of the sunshine. He hid his feelings of guilt by looking away, knowing that she would all too easily believe that he was angry with her. He said nothing even when she stood in front of him, blocking out the light, nor when she sat down next to him, drawing her knees up to her chest. Finally she grew tired of waiting to be acknowledged, and addressed herself to the lake.
He listened, somewhat unwillingly, to what she had to say. Halfway through her speech he began to allow himself to hope that maybe, just maybe, he could get what he wanted, at least for a while.
The conversation with James the next day was truly astonishing, but then, Gryffindors were noted for their foolhardy bravery. Perhaps it was merely characteristic of them that one would be willing to give another man a chance with the woman he loved. Severus knew that, had it been his choice, he would have clung to her as tightly as possible. Perhaps that was why she would always be James' first, even if she loved him too.
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He learned a lot about himself during the next year and a bit. How much he was willing to tolerate, if he could just spend a half hour alone with Lily. How much happiness he could feel, just by being close and knowing that she wanted it too. How much he could have in common with a Gryffindor – he had never counted Lily as one, she seemed just as much a Slytherin, or Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff – just because they both loved Lily. But he never allowed himself to forget that at the end of their seventh year, it would end. As in everything else, he had no other choice