Chapter Six: September 8th

Severus fixed his eyes on the wall behind Harry as he paused, knowing what he had to speak of next, and realising that the boy knew it too. Worse, that he knew how difficult it was for him. He could not bear to look at the expression of sympathy and even pity he was certain would show on Harry's face. Intolerable, that's what it was, that a boy, this boy – Lily's son and his pupil, should dare to feel pity for him!

//No. Look at me. Please?//

Despite himself, he shifted his gaze to the boy's face, somehow unable to resist the honesty in that plea. Sympathy was there, yes, but not the pity he had expected to see and resent, rather an empathy and understanding. That, if anything, was perhaps harder to face. Maybe it wasn't as great a mistake as he'd thought to tell Harry the story from his point of view. Besides, the boy had to know, if Snape's answer to his question was to make any sense at all to him.

"Will you tell me the rest of it?" //I need to hear it.//

"What little there is." //Maybe I need to tell it.//

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1977

It was almost over, now. He had this only, another secretive meeting like all the others, one last time before graduation. One last time before James proposed, and she said yes. One last time to love her which would have to last for the rest of his life. It was as sweet as always, and yet so bitter to hold her, knowing that this fleeting moment was all that was left to him. After this she could not even be his friend, let alone his lover.

Afterwards, he tried to stay awake as long as possible, to fix her and the moment in his memory. Physical and emotional exhaustion dragged him into a deep sleep far too soon for his liking. He almost woke once, feeling her lips caress across his forehead in a loving benediction, but he had barely risen into the shallows of sleep when a word commanded him back into the depths. Even without magic to back her order, he would have obeyed. He was not at all eager to wake and leave her for the last time.

He felt it distantly when she came back to bed, moving enough to make room for her, fitting himself around her, the veil of sleep allowing him the honesty of clinging to the little closeness they had left.

When they both woke their farewells were filled with an awkwardness that had been absent from all except their very first meeting. The distance between them stung, all the more so because he knew that it was his actions and lack of them last night that had begun it. She would have been content to show him her love for as long as it was possible, he knew.

The words of affection had never come easily to him, and he regretted that more than anything afterwards, that at the end he had allowed the beginnings of despair and the resentment he had tried to stave off to keep himself from telling her what he felt, for his sake as much as hers. She, after all, would have James for the rest of their lives. Severus had no doubts about that. She would have his love too, for all the good it would do either of them.

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September 8th

His story done, he allowed himself another cautious look at Harry's face, almost challenging him again to dare to show pity. Nothing in the boy's expression spoke of it, and more than that Snape couldn't feel any through their bond, allowing him to keep his pride. He felt no anger either, or resentment, or any of the other emotions he had expected. He hated to admit it, but it seemed not so great a mistake after all. He was glad because he didn't think he could bear to see any of those emotions in the eyes that were so like Lily's, now that they knew the whole story.

//Never, I promise.//

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Harry. It's not worth the pain."

Harry looked at him questioningly, quite clearly wondering which promises he'd made which were beyond his ability to keep, but for once the boy kept his mouth shut.

"I believe I still have to give you an answer, so here it is."

A deep breath. "I loved your mother very much. She gave me more than I could ever repay and she hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I think that I will always love her, and I know that I'll always miss her, the friendship as well as the love. I'll always wonder what might have been, even though I know it's pointless. But the boy who longed for her died the day she agreed to marry your father, and the man who loved her died the day he took the Dark Mark. I'm different now, and if I knew how to, I would love differently."

He paused, unsure whether to add the last line, but knowing that the boy deserved the honesty. "If I had the time over again, and if I could choose, then I think perhaps I would choose not to love her."

A few minutes of silence passed.

Finally Harry said, "Thank you for being so honest, and for the memories." It had been like being there. He had a few more treasured memories of his parents to savour. It took a while for him to realise that Snape had been…kind to him, even while reliving memories that clearly gave him pain.

//I thought that…you would appreciate them.//

"I do. And I think you're being too hard on yourself, or maybe you just refuse to see some things."

Snape arched his eyebrow at Harry, but didn't ask what he meant. What he had revealed today – willingly or unwillingly – about his past and himself would change things between them. There was no way it could not. All of this was moving far too fast for his liking and he had no desire to make it move any faster.