Faith's POV
Do you ever get the feeling that by dressing like you used to you are regressing back into your past? Like if I put on the exact makeup I used to wear and dress the same, somehow the attitude will follow? People will look and assume that I am the exact person I was before?
And I will be. It won't be a slow change, I just put on the clothes and the badass is back.
Cause right now I am putting on the last touches of dark eye makeup and smoothing down a tight top and leather pants and I am thinking that exact thought.
I mean we want to change, change is good. And we adjust ourselves and we dress differently and we talk differently, but the person we were before, are they gone? We adapt but do we change for real? Do we grow? Or are our former selves always there, inside of us waiting, like an old book you don't read anymore sitting on the shelf or an old toy that you grew out of playing with?
Can we change, or are we just denying some true aspect of our nature, pushing it down and stuffing it in the back of the closet, pretending it doesn't exist?
Just as I put on the finishing touches of my makeup I hear someone burst through the door. No prizes for guessing who it is. Immediately she sees me and her eyes narrow, staring accusingly at me. Am I ready for this?
"Why are you dressed like that?" Hmmm ok, wasn't expecting that one...I reply to her snarkily without thinking, the words rolling out of my mouth before I have time to process what I am saying.
"You've come here to tell me that my clothes aren't respectable enough?" I say. "Well you can just up and leave again because I don't need it. I thought you might have come to your senses and be ready for a real conversation." Opps I guess that wasn't the best thing to say, this is going all wrong, but I feel powerless to stop it, like it was going to play out this way regardless of what I did.
"ME... if anything you are the one that can't have a real conversation, every time it got too hard you up and left and if last nights performance is anything to go by we are in for a repeat performance. You go and we are left as damage control. Heres a tip: wanna impress a girl don't dress like a your former psychotic self!"
SHIT! I guess I am not the only one who is pissed off, I shouldn't really be expecting anything else, I guess arguing is better than silence, so I keep the banter going, seeing where it will lead me.
"Not that you would care but I didn't exactly have an abundance of clothes or money for that matter, it's pretty much this or nothing and I ain't exactly gonna pour out my heart to someone who can't even listen to what I have to say."
"What are you talking about?" she asks. She's looking exasperated, standing there, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised awaiting my reply.
Yeah like you don't know what I am talking about I think sarcastically.
"Last night, you weren't even listening to a word I said", I snap back.
She frowns even harder, then a look of recognition crosses her face, and then comes a slightly more apologetic look. "Look I was tired, you woke me up and I didn't exactly get any warning, it was a shock, I was in shock, maybe we should start this over." Hmm there are some words i have been hoping to hear for a very long time...
It's now or never Faith i think to myself and sigh.