June 26th,
I am presently hiding out in one of the hangars on the surface above the PITT. It's quiet up here...empty save for the occasional lizard sprinting across the floor. The little guys love it in here, using it as a shelter to escape the heat of the day...and Steeler and his crew treat the biggest of them as quasi-pets and mascots, much to Cover Girl's chagrin. For all the tomboy toughness, she isn't too fond of the small and scaly! When she sees them she screams like a...well...like a girl!
No one is around, and I am grateful for the privacy. I need to be left to myself now. I need some time to think...I need....
God...don't cry. Stop it...stop it, you weakling! Get hold of yourself...
I am in the far corner where no one can see me, sitting by my car...staring at everything and nothing. I had pulled the tarp off and was busily packing up the trunk before giving up in disgust. Who would have known one person could accumulate so much...so much STUFF...in 7 years? I suppose I should be thankful that I have no furniture to carry off...but even so, there is NO WAY all of it is going to fit into this little car.
Why didn't I buy a bloody sport utility like a normal person! A 4 Runner or a Range Rover...an Explorer like Roadblock's...
Oh Christ...here come the waterworks! Get hold of yourself!!!!
My books are randomly strewn across the floor, looking battered and forlorn where they crashed to the ground after I threw a box of them across the room in frustration. In fact, I am still rooted to the spot where I crumbled in heap...too tired to move...too miserable to care. I don't know how long I have been on this cold, hard floor; time has ceased to have any meaning...and it's only by some fluke that my journal ended up landing close to my feet.
I can't seem to stop staring at the RAM parked right across from me, the sleek silver motorcycle drawing my eyes as it draws out my memories.
I love that thing! I had never ridden a motorbike until I came here, my cousin Peter having put the fear of God in me over what he calls 'organ donation on wheels'. I suppose he has seen some awful cases come through the emergency involving these machines, but then again I have probably seen worse on the battlefield.
I love the power, the freedom...the sight of the road passing underneath me, the feel of the wind whipping through my hair...I would choose it over a Hummer any day!
That bike and I have been through so much together. I still remember the time I was put in charge of running potential Joes through their paces. It was my first command responsibility with the team... earned from my performance during the raid on Staten Island that left me with a bullet through the shoulder and the respect of my teammates.
The training mission ended up being played out against a live enemy, as Dr. Mindbender and Destro attacked us just as we were wrapping things up. It was like something out of a bad B-Movie...trapped in a junkyard with mutant spores and robot soldiers assailing us at every turn! To add insult to injury, COBRA deprived us of our weapons...leaving us as helpless as white lab rats in a maze.
These mice, however, had teeth!
Speeding through the obstacles on the RAM was both frightening and exhilarating. You are so exposed and yet feel untouchable. It is as if you are one with the wind...too fast for your enemy to see you, too agile for them to get a clear shot when they do.
Despite our obvious disadvantage, we ended up sending the enemy running with their tails between their legs. Of course, my 'trainees' ended up passing with flying colors, as to be expected in those days from potential Joes. Those star recruits were Bazooka, Crank Case, Heavy Metal and Airtight!
Can you believe it! That was how long ago? 6 years? It feels like only yesterday!
How could the time have passed so quickly?
And now it's over...the best and most rewarding years of my life gone in the blink of an eye. All my hard work and sacrifice erased from the history books once and for all. My 'family' away from home shattered to pieces by nothing more than a careless swipe of a politician's pen.
GIJOE is no more.
The flag was retired just a few hours ago in a solemn ceremony just outside this very building. In fact, if I peek out I can see the pole where the red, white and blue once flew proudly now standing desolate and bare against the desert sky.
We are all still in shock. God, it was all so sudden! One day we are going about our business, fighting to rid the world of COBRA, defend human freedom and democracy, yada, yada, yada...and the next the entire organization is mothballed. No explanation, no excuse...
...No closure.
I always thought GIJOE would go out with a bang...a huge battle with the enemy that sees us victorious and COBRA left a smoking ruin. Not this...this...travesty of justice! The battle is far from over...why sound the retreat?
Why?
Everyone has been thrown for a loop since the announcement last week, all of us walking around the PIT in silence as we absorbed the implications of this new reality. As is to be expected, the old guard is taking it the hardest...having dedicated a decade to a cause that is now considered obsolete. Where do you go after this? What do you do with yourself?
I have spent the past 48 hours completing paperwork and helping Hawk see his men set and stable once we close the doors for good. A surprising number of them are leaving the military all together...seeing this as an opportunity to pursue other avenues in their lives without constantly looking back to regret what they gave up. How can you look back and wonder if there is nothing to return too?
Many more are just burnt out...depressed. Psych-Out has had his hands full since the announcement. All that hard work, all those lives lost...and for what?
For nothing.
There is tension in the air, and tempers are frayed. Even Bazooka...gentle, sweet, quiet Dave...snarled at me as we sat chatting in the mess hall late one night.
"What are you so down about? You don't have to worry about anything...your ass will always land on a feather pillow..."
I didn't answer him...I didn't snap back as I am wont to do when someone brings up my financial and class background. I suppose I was a little taken aback, as were the others at the table...although no one chose to defend me. I couldn't think of anything to say, really...he was right. I have a gold plated parachute...the same cannot be said of the others.
...and yet at the moment I am suffering more than most. I must seem like such a phony.
'Look at Jaye...the Hart heiress...what does she have to be so upset over? What does she have to worry about? Her mommy will take care of her!'
When I walked in those big base doors so many years ago, I knew my life was going to change forever...for better or for worse...but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the all-encompassing role GIJOE has played in my life and my development as a human being. Nothing could ever possibly match the positive influence this organization, these people, have had on my life.
Although I came through those doors with Ripcord by my side...for all intents and purposes I came in alone. I came in alone but for the next 7 years I would never be so again. The Joes became my family...I was part of something bigger than myself...bigger than the Harts...and more important than any fancy degree, Oscar nomination or multi billion-dollar company can ever hope to be.
I came here alone...
...and I am leaving alone.
It's over...I can't believe it.
It's really over.
...I don't know what is hurting me more, the dissolution of GIJOE or that my relationship with Flint has ended.
I am not going to give him a chance to break up with me formally. If I hear the words 'we have to talk' coming out of his mouth I just know I will loose it. No...I am just going to go, leave while I can still get out of here with my dignity intact.
But to where?
Where am I going to go...what am I going to do?
I never really gave any thought as to what would happen after I was spit back out into the world. I guess I always figured that 'Joe' would be around until I was ready to retire, or if anything I would have some time to make the choices at my own pace...not have the decision forced upon me by Washington.
I guess I always assumed that I would be leaving here with Dashiell...but it seems he had other ideas. God, what a fool I have been! What a complete and utter fool! And its not like I hadn't been warned; Shana always told me not to count on him...that my relationship with Flint was unstable at its best and unhealthy at its worst.
I overheard her talking with Snakes and Jinx the other day on their plans for the future. They are not cruel people...they are my friends...but sometimes it still comes as a shock to hear what others REALLY think, what they say when you are not around.
"So you and Snakes are going to head up to his cabin?" Jinx asked. I heard the sound of the fridge opening and then the 'whomph' of bodies hitting the couch.
"Yeah...although Hawk wants us to hold back for a bit after everyone leaves. You know...I was a bit peeved about that, weren't you, Snakes? I just want to start our new life together as soon as possible. Put all of this behind us and have some time to ourselves. Some time to heal."
There was a pause...probably Snakes signing something...and then a laugh.
"Yeah right, cousin..." Jinx giggled, "I am sure I will be flying back from Tokyo within a few months to attend the wedding. You are SOOOOO whipped! I just hope Allie schedules hers around the same time. Those airline tickets are expensive!"
My ears perked up at my name and heard Red exhale sharply in a sound of mocking disbelief.
"Don't hold your breath. I love Alison like a sister but she can be so naïve at times I just want to shake her..."
'I don't understand...are they..."
"No, not yet...but I hesitate to give them even a year once out in the real world. In fact, the way Flint has been avoiding her lately; I would put money on it being history by the time the gates close. I warned her..."
Another pause.
"'To understand the heart of a person, look not at what he has achieved, but at what he aspires to do'...what is that supposed to mean?"
"Its Buddha," Jinx interjected, obviously with a mouth full of chips, "it means..."
"I know what it means. Come on, love...look at them. They are hardly the type of couple who will last through the long haul no matter what they aspire to...not like us. We have fought hard for...Snakes?...Snake Eyes?...Where are you going?"
There was a shuffling sound and then I heard the door slam.
"Damn it!"
"What's up his butt?"
"Nice Jinx...very ladylike." I heard her sigh and get up, "He's been a little on edge lately...what with Storm Shadow and the disbandment...and then this 'mysterious' letter! I better go and find him."
"I should go as well. I need to finalize my travel plans...thanks for the snack!"
A couple of minutes later I was alone again, lost in thought.
I don't know why it hit me so hard. I already knew what the others thought of my relationship. And its not like I was really expecting to get married...its not like I expected Dash to drop to one knee as the flag was lowered and flourish a big shiny diamond.
Or did some deep, long buried part of my subconscious actually want a big, romantic proposal? It has been almost 5 years...
Ridiculous...and not my style...but still...
I can just hear my grandmother's voice.
"You aren't getting any younger, Alison...Are you going to wait around forever, Alison...Honestly Alison, what did you expect of someone of his' background'...Well, dear, as I always said, why should he buy the cow if he is getting the milk for free..."
Shut up, shut up, shut up...
I don't know why I keep going over and over this in my head. It's all a moot point now. Dash has made it quite clear that all avenues are closed.
"Married? Jaye and I? No way, Shipwreck my man...that's not in the cards..."
Yes...you read that correctly. That is EXACTLY what he said. Word for word...I overheard him talking to Hector and the others a couple of days ago and haven't spoken to him since. Not hard to do...Shana was right...he HAS been avoiding me.
I hadn't really thought much of his reticence lately until I heard Red mentioned it. I mean, we have all been pretty busy since the orders came through to disband...and to tell you the truth, last month's little blow out is still hanging over our heads.
YES, I apologized...in my own way...but I suppose it wasn't enough to erase the damage, at least on my part. I still harbor a bit of resentment over what went down, regardless of any soothing words spoken between us. I am not proud of this little aspect of my personality, but I can and will hold a grudge...especially if I am subconsciously denying my own guilt.
In any case, that little 'wedded bliss' tidbit isn't the only thing I heard. Did you know he signed up for another tour? He didn't even consult me, not even as an afterthought! In fact, the only reason I know about it at all is because I happened to be in the hallway outside the recreation room in time to overhear it being said to Shipwreck!
SHIPWRECK!
Damn him! He has some nerve making such an important decision without even asking what I wanted...AND all this after berating me for not seeking his advice on my potential career choices. What a hypocrite!
Then again, why would he even bother to ask if he wasn't planning on building a life with me?
I hate him, I hate him...I HATE HIM!
Stop crying, you idiot...get up and pack the car.
You will go to the goodbye-bash tonight. You will avoid all contact with the above-mentioned party. You will carry yourself with dignity and grace...and as soon as it is humanly possible you will wedge yourself into this overstuffed vehicle and get the hell out of here.
You have done it before...you can do it again.
You're a Hart, Damn it...act like one!
I am presently hiding out in one of the hangars on the surface above the PITT. It's quiet up here...empty save for the occasional lizard sprinting across the floor. The little guys love it in here, using it as a shelter to escape the heat of the day...and Steeler and his crew treat the biggest of them as quasi-pets and mascots, much to Cover Girl's chagrin. For all the tomboy toughness, she isn't too fond of the small and scaly! When she sees them she screams like a...well...like a girl!
No one is around, and I am grateful for the privacy. I need to be left to myself now. I need some time to think...I need....
God...don't cry. Stop it...stop it, you weakling! Get hold of yourself...
I am in the far corner where no one can see me, sitting by my car...staring at everything and nothing. I had pulled the tarp off and was busily packing up the trunk before giving up in disgust. Who would have known one person could accumulate so much...so much STUFF...in 7 years? I suppose I should be thankful that I have no furniture to carry off...but even so, there is NO WAY all of it is going to fit into this little car.
Why didn't I buy a bloody sport utility like a normal person! A 4 Runner or a Range Rover...an Explorer like Roadblock's...
Oh Christ...here come the waterworks! Get hold of yourself!!!!
My books are randomly strewn across the floor, looking battered and forlorn where they crashed to the ground after I threw a box of them across the room in frustration. In fact, I am still rooted to the spot where I crumbled in heap...too tired to move...too miserable to care. I don't know how long I have been on this cold, hard floor; time has ceased to have any meaning...and it's only by some fluke that my journal ended up landing close to my feet.
I can't seem to stop staring at the RAM parked right across from me, the sleek silver motorcycle drawing my eyes as it draws out my memories.
I love that thing! I had never ridden a motorbike until I came here, my cousin Peter having put the fear of God in me over what he calls 'organ donation on wheels'. I suppose he has seen some awful cases come through the emergency involving these machines, but then again I have probably seen worse on the battlefield.
I love the power, the freedom...the sight of the road passing underneath me, the feel of the wind whipping through my hair...I would choose it over a Hummer any day!
That bike and I have been through so much together. I still remember the time I was put in charge of running potential Joes through their paces. It was my first command responsibility with the team... earned from my performance during the raid on Staten Island that left me with a bullet through the shoulder and the respect of my teammates.
The training mission ended up being played out against a live enemy, as Dr. Mindbender and Destro attacked us just as we were wrapping things up. It was like something out of a bad B-Movie...trapped in a junkyard with mutant spores and robot soldiers assailing us at every turn! To add insult to injury, COBRA deprived us of our weapons...leaving us as helpless as white lab rats in a maze.
These mice, however, had teeth!
Speeding through the obstacles on the RAM was both frightening and exhilarating. You are so exposed and yet feel untouchable. It is as if you are one with the wind...too fast for your enemy to see you, too agile for them to get a clear shot when they do.
Despite our obvious disadvantage, we ended up sending the enemy running with their tails between their legs. Of course, my 'trainees' ended up passing with flying colors, as to be expected in those days from potential Joes. Those star recruits were Bazooka, Crank Case, Heavy Metal and Airtight!
Can you believe it! That was how long ago? 6 years? It feels like only yesterday!
How could the time have passed so quickly?
And now it's over...the best and most rewarding years of my life gone in the blink of an eye. All my hard work and sacrifice erased from the history books once and for all. My 'family' away from home shattered to pieces by nothing more than a careless swipe of a politician's pen.
GIJOE is no more.
The flag was retired just a few hours ago in a solemn ceremony just outside this very building. In fact, if I peek out I can see the pole where the red, white and blue once flew proudly now standing desolate and bare against the desert sky.
We are all still in shock. God, it was all so sudden! One day we are going about our business, fighting to rid the world of COBRA, defend human freedom and democracy, yada, yada, yada...and the next the entire organization is mothballed. No explanation, no excuse...
...No closure.
I always thought GIJOE would go out with a bang...a huge battle with the enemy that sees us victorious and COBRA left a smoking ruin. Not this...this...travesty of justice! The battle is far from over...why sound the retreat?
Why?
Everyone has been thrown for a loop since the announcement last week, all of us walking around the PIT in silence as we absorbed the implications of this new reality. As is to be expected, the old guard is taking it the hardest...having dedicated a decade to a cause that is now considered obsolete. Where do you go after this? What do you do with yourself?
I have spent the past 48 hours completing paperwork and helping Hawk see his men set and stable once we close the doors for good. A surprising number of them are leaving the military all together...seeing this as an opportunity to pursue other avenues in their lives without constantly looking back to regret what they gave up. How can you look back and wonder if there is nothing to return too?
Many more are just burnt out...depressed. Psych-Out has had his hands full since the announcement. All that hard work, all those lives lost...and for what?
For nothing.
There is tension in the air, and tempers are frayed. Even Bazooka...gentle, sweet, quiet Dave...snarled at me as we sat chatting in the mess hall late one night.
"What are you so down about? You don't have to worry about anything...your ass will always land on a feather pillow..."
I didn't answer him...I didn't snap back as I am wont to do when someone brings up my financial and class background. I suppose I was a little taken aback, as were the others at the table...although no one chose to defend me. I couldn't think of anything to say, really...he was right. I have a gold plated parachute...the same cannot be said of the others.
...and yet at the moment I am suffering more than most. I must seem like such a phony.
'Look at Jaye...the Hart heiress...what does she have to be so upset over? What does she have to worry about? Her mommy will take care of her!'
When I walked in those big base doors so many years ago, I knew my life was going to change forever...for better or for worse...but nothing in the world could have prepared me for the all-encompassing role GIJOE has played in my life and my development as a human being. Nothing could ever possibly match the positive influence this organization, these people, have had on my life.
Although I came through those doors with Ripcord by my side...for all intents and purposes I came in alone. I came in alone but for the next 7 years I would never be so again. The Joes became my family...I was part of something bigger than myself...bigger than the Harts...and more important than any fancy degree, Oscar nomination or multi billion-dollar company can ever hope to be.
I came here alone...
...and I am leaving alone.
It's over...I can't believe it.
It's really over.
...I don't know what is hurting me more, the dissolution of GIJOE or that my relationship with Flint has ended.
I am not going to give him a chance to break up with me formally. If I hear the words 'we have to talk' coming out of his mouth I just know I will loose it. No...I am just going to go, leave while I can still get out of here with my dignity intact.
But to where?
Where am I going to go...what am I going to do?
I never really gave any thought as to what would happen after I was spit back out into the world. I guess I always figured that 'Joe' would be around until I was ready to retire, or if anything I would have some time to make the choices at my own pace...not have the decision forced upon me by Washington.
I guess I always assumed that I would be leaving here with Dashiell...but it seems he had other ideas. God, what a fool I have been! What a complete and utter fool! And its not like I hadn't been warned; Shana always told me not to count on him...that my relationship with Flint was unstable at its best and unhealthy at its worst.
I overheard her talking with Snakes and Jinx the other day on their plans for the future. They are not cruel people...they are my friends...but sometimes it still comes as a shock to hear what others REALLY think, what they say when you are not around.
"So you and Snakes are going to head up to his cabin?" Jinx asked. I heard the sound of the fridge opening and then the 'whomph' of bodies hitting the couch.
"Yeah...although Hawk wants us to hold back for a bit after everyone leaves. You know...I was a bit peeved about that, weren't you, Snakes? I just want to start our new life together as soon as possible. Put all of this behind us and have some time to ourselves. Some time to heal."
There was a pause...probably Snakes signing something...and then a laugh.
"Yeah right, cousin..." Jinx giggled, "I am sure I will be flying back from Tokyo within a few months to attend the wedding. You are SOOOOO whipped! I just hope Allie schedules hers around the same time. Those airline tickets are expensive!"
My ears perked up at my name and heard Red exhale sharply in a sound of mocking disbelief.
"Don't hold your breath. I love Alison like a sister but she can be so naïve at times I just want to shake her..."
'I don't understand...are they..."
"No, not yet...but I hesitate to give them even a year once out in the real world. In fact, the way Flint has been avoiding her lately; I would put money on it being history by the time the gates close. I warned her..."
Another pause.
"'To understand the heart of a person, look not at what he has achieved, but at what he aspires to do'...what is that supposed to mean?"
"Its Buddha," Jinx interjected, obviously with a mouth full of chips, "it means..."
"I know what it means. Come on, love...look at them. They are hardly the type of couple who will last through the long haul no matter what they aspire to...not like us. We have fought hard for...Snakes?...Snake Eyes?...Where are you going?"
There was a shuffling sound and then I heard the door slam.
"Damn it!"
"What's up his butt?"
"Nice Jinx...very ladylike." I heard her sigh and get up, "He's been a little on edge lately...what with Storm Shadow and the disbandment...and then this 'mysterious' letter! I better go and find him."
"I should go as well. I need to finalize my travel plans...thanks for the snack!"
A couple of minutes later I was alone again, lost in thought.
I don't know why it hit me so hard. I already knew what the others thought of my relationship. And its not like I was really expecting to get married...its not like I expected Dash to drop to one knee as the flag was lowered and flourish a big shiny diamond.
Or did some deep, long buried part of my subconscious actually want a big, romantic proposal? It has been almost 5 years...
Ridiculous...and not my style...but still...
I can just hear my grandmother's voice.
"You aren't getting any younger, Alison...Are you going to wait around forever, Alison...Honestly Alison, what did you expect of someone of his' background'...Well, dear, as I always said, why should he buy the cow if he is getting the milk for free..."
Shut up, shut up, shut up...
I don't know why I keep going over and over this in my head. It's all a moot point now. Dash has made it quite clear that all avenues are closed.
"Married? Jaye and I? No way, Shipwreck my man...that's not in the cards..."
Yes...you read that correctly. That is EXACTLY what he said. Word for word...I overheard him talking to Hector and the others a couple of days ago and haven't spoken to him since. Not hard to do...Shana was right...he HAS been avoiding me.
I hadn't really thought much of his reticence lately until I heard Red mentioned it. I mean, we have all been pretty busy since the orders came through to disband...and to tell you the truth, last month's little blow out is still hanging over our heads.
YES, I apologized...in my own way...but I suppose it wasn't enough to erase the damage, at least on my part. I still harbor a bit of resentment over what went down, regardless of any soothing words spoken between us. I am not proud of this little aspect of my personality, but I can and will hold a grudge...especially if I am subconsciously denying my own guilt.
In any case, that little 'wedded bliss' tidbit isn't the only thing I heard. Did you know he signed up for another tour? He didn't even consult me, not even as an afterthought! In fact, the only reason I know about it at all is because I happened to be in the hallway outside the recreation room in time to overhear it being said to Shipwreck!
SHIPWRECK!
Damn him! He has some nerve making such an important decision without even asking what I wanted...AND all this after berating me for not seeking his advice on my potential career choices. What a hypocrite!
Then again, why would he even bother to ask if he wasn't planning on building a life with me?
I hate him, I hate him...I HATE HIM!
Stop crying, you idiot...get up and pack the car.
You will go to the goodbye-bash tonight. You will avoid all contact with the above-mentioned party. You will carry yourself with dignity and grace...and as soon as it is humanly possible you will wedge yourself into this overstuffed vehicle and get the hell out of here.
You have done it before...you can do it again.
You're a Hart, Damn it...act like one!