July 4th,
Finally, a moment to myself!
I am lying on the bed in Dash's room, surrounded by boxes and duffle bags. In fact, I literally had to climb in here a moment ago...maneuvering around the obstacles as gracefully as I could holding my journal in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other.
Chunky Monkey...mmmmm...Rose certainly knows how to stock a fridge!
We have only been in Kansas for a few days, but they have been quite busy. The Colonel took Dash and I fly fishing early the first morning, and the rest of the day was spent lazing by the river or cleaning our catch. Rose and I went shopping the second day, concluding with a trip to the local market. She had decided it was high time I put down the rifle and pick up the spatula, much to her son's amusement. Needless to say the whole exercise was a complete disaster...although in the end I did manage to put together something remotely edible.
Salad! Eat your heart out Jacques Pepin!
This afternoon we are heading over to Aunt Betty's for a Fourth of July picnic. Apparently, her house is on a hill, providing an unobstructed view of the fireworks in town. I'm really looking forward to it, despite the fact that I am going to have to deal with Betty for the next several hours.
Ah well...
I actually have very little to complain about. The weather has been beautiful, and Dash's parents have been wonderful hosts. It's been nice to get to know them without the rest of the Faireborn zoo hanging about...too bad we have to leave tomorrow night.
If you read my last entry, you're probably wondering how the hell I ended up in Kansas. No, it didn't involve a tornado or a pair of ruby slippers, but it's still quite the story...most of which involves me eating my hat! Sometimes I wonder at the depths of my own stupidity. I suppose I still have much to learn about relationships. My time with Shawn was wonderful if short lived...I was so very young, I really had no idea what I was doing...and my parent's parody of wedded bliss certainly didn't provide the most useful of models to work from.
Anyhow, all this to say thank god for Dashiell. Who would have known that my egocentric, arrogant, commitment-phobe of a Warrant Officer would turn out to be the sensible one...the one who held it all together?
Red hasn't a clue as to the man hiding under that beret. If she did she would never worry about my future with him. In fact, I think she might even grow slightly jealous! I know, I know...an awful thing to say about one of your best friends...but I often feel she is only critical of my relationship in order to deflect attention from her own.
But I digress...
I was still sitting on the floor of the hangar when he found me, waltzing in wearing his favorite black 'Oxford University' tee shirt, a pair of faded jeans, and an infuriating (at that point) lopsided grin on his face. I needn't mention that one look at me wiped the smile off his face fast enough.
"There you are, Alison. Christ, I've been looking all over for you. Don't you listen to the PA system? Lowlight and Ripcord brought in some brew and I made sure they got you some Guinness, I know how much you hate all that Americ..." he had lifted his hand to show me the bottles, but paused as he saw me turn away and quickly resume packing the car.
"What are you doing, Al? What's wrong? Have you been crying? Look at me Allie...LOOK AT ME!" I ignored the distress in his voice, the alarm in it as he became conscious of what I was doing.
"You're packing...why are you packing? Allie! ALISON!"
He grabbed my arm and tried to swing me round to face him but I fought him off.
"Allie! Stop that...TALK TO ME!"
"Leave me be, Flint...it's easier this way. No one gets hurt. Just go..." I whispered, my voice flat...emotionless.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" He was in a panic now...the poor thing.
Thinking back I realize what this little scene must have done to him, his biggest fears brought to life expertly by yours truly. Did I understand what I was doing when I played out this little drama? Was I deliberately trying to hurt him as I thought he was about to hurt me...getting in the first shot before he had a chance to bring me down? Were my motivations so Machiavellian? I wouldn't put it past me...Sierra Gordo certainly brought home the fact that the dark side of my nature sits dangerously close to the surface.
"Go Flint..." My voice was so cold it caused a shiver to go up even my own spine.
"NO! Not until you tell me..."
"THAT'S NOT IN THE CARDS FLINT, NOW PLEASE LEAVE!" Tears were threatening to fall again, but I composed myself quickly...my mother's voice whispering in my ear, repeating the familiar Hart mantra.
"Don't let them get to you...and if they do, don't ever let them know. Rage in private...but in public you must remain indifferent, cold even. Every shift of your eyes, every twitch of your mouth...every nuance of your voice must be kept under tight control. Even the smallest crack in your demeanor will give your foe the opening he needs to go in for the kill."
Cold indifference as a means of defense...lovely, mother...you taught me well.
"Not in the cards..." he mumbled to himself as his sharp mind began to work. It didn't take him long to put two and two together.
"Oh shit...Alison. You didn't..."
"GO!" I said, my voice cracking. Mother Hart would be horrified! "Please...just go. Report to your new post and leave me to my life..."
The words had barely escaped my lips before he grabbed me again, harder this time.
"No!" He hissed as I struggled against him, but this time I couldn't break his grip.
"Let go of me Flint...I have already heard all of..."
"You heard...YOU HEARD!!!" He roared, "Allie, don't take this the wrong way but SIT DOWN, SHUT UP and LISTEN TO ME! DON'T JUST 'HEAR'...LISTEN!"
"What the HELL are you..."
"I said BE QUIET!" He picked me up as if I weighed nothing, placing me gently on the hood of my car before he leaned forward and hissed in my ear. "For once in your life STOP TALKING and LISTEN TO ME."
I was so stunned I didn't move even after he let go. I heard him mumble something along the lines of "...leave it to me to fall for bloody covert ops..." before settling down directly in front of me, matching me glare for glare.
"First off, I admit...I did sign up for another tour...AH! AH! I said LISTEN...I wasn't keeping it a big secret...I was going to tell you, but both of us were swamped last week. At any rate, I figured it would be so obvious a choice as to need no clarification."
"I am a soldier, Alison. I was born for this work and I am good at it. Hawk says I have a bright future with the Army and I don't doubt it. Already I am getting calls from people interested in having me join their units. Regardless of skill, though...I like it here. I love my job and god knows not many people can say that of their career choices."
"My brothers, my father, his father before him...we all served our country. It is really the only life I know...there is nothing else I can imagine myself doing. You know me better than anyone...Can YOU see me in a suit, doing defense consulting for one of the big weapons contractors? Can you see me playing politics? Can you see me going 'spook'?" He spat out the last word, his eyes filled with contempt. I guess he found out about Duke's new career choice.
"Besides..." he continued, his eyes softening, "...Call me old fashioned, but I have to be able to support us, support whatever...ummm...little 'surprises' who come to us in the future...I need to be able to build a home for us. This career will allow me to do that."
I opened my mouth to say something (old fashioned indeed...I certainly didn't need to be supported...and there would certainly be no little 'surprises' if he wasn't interested in 'buying the cow') but before I could snap back I felt his finger against my lips.
"Shhh, Allie. I'm not finished."
"I know what you heard...I know what I told Shipwreck. Granted, it might not have been the most eloquent way of putting things, but leave it to you to overhear guys acting like...well...like guys."
"No. Marriage is NOT in the cards for us...YET." He smiled as he saw the fire alight briefly in my eyes, "Look at us, Allie...look at our relationship. We have spent all of our time together living in this secret military organization...we have never known life as a couple in the real world. We have spent the past five years as Flint and Lady Jaye. Do we even know what it will be like out there as Allie and Dash? I know it sounds like a cop out, but Sweetheart...can you honestly tell me you were thinking of tying the knot BEFORE the sudden change in our lives...before you started hearing Red go on about her plans with Snakes?"
"Look...I have been married before. I know what its like and god knows I rushed into that with my eyes wide shut..."
"I'm not Kar..." I began, but he cut me off with an exasperated look. I rolled my eyes and sighed "...I know, I know...just listen..."
Jeez...if I didn't know any better I would say that he and my Aunt Sarah were separated at birth.
He smiled and continued.
"As I was saying...I rushed into my first marriage without even thinking, and look what happened! There's going to be a lot of pressure on us during the next year as we try and settle into life after Joe. I have to get used to a new position and you don't even know what you are going to do with yourself yet. Not to mention that we are both going to have to move. It's a lot to handle by itself...to add a wedding to it...and damn it, Al, I have wasted most of our relationship walking around with my heads up my six...we just started to get it together...I...I want us to work...I NEED for us to work! I don't think I could take it if it didn't."
"You have your doubts about us then..." I whispered. I didn't mean to say it aloud, but my brain was on overload and so it snuck easily past my 'filters'.
"Alison...look at me." He gently placed his hand underneath my chin and brought my eyes up to meet his, "...I have no doubts about us, you have to believe that...." he paused and began to recite...
"...seek not, sweet, the 'if' and 'why'
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give....no...NO"
He got up so suddenly that I started, nearly unbalancing myself from the hood as he began to pace furiously around the room.
"No...not this time...I have to say this in my own words..." In two long strides he was in front of me again, his hand taking mine.
"Yes I worry, Allie. You are everything to me. Its gotten to the point where I can't remember a time when I wasn't with you...its gotten to where I cannot imagine a future without you. I know I haven't done anything to make you think otherwise...but you have to recognize that what I said that day to Shipwreck was completely misunderstood. You are my life...I...Damn it, why can't I say what's in my heart..."
He turned then and grabbed a small package that had been placed, unnoticed, on the hood next to me. I must have really been in a state if that slipped by...he probably had it tucked under his arm when he came in. Mind you, he seemed a bit worried as he held the small box in his hands, I wonder if he had been trying to hide it while he decided whether or not to give it to me.
I watched as he licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair before slowly, gently, handing it over.
"Maybe this will show you what I can't seem to articulate..."
I took it in my hands. It was a small, non-descript and lightweight. Not a ring, that was for certain...but something pretty special if the awkward, nervous look on Flint's face was any indication.
Slowly, carefully I opened the package.
Inside lay a small gold key chain with a familiar symbol embossed in careful detail on its face. A dagger, point up, on top of which lay a heraldic sun composed of four straight and four wavy alternating rays...all surmounted by a gold heraldic rose with petals of dark blue lapis.
...the insignia of the Army's intelligence branch.
"Dash...my god...its beautiful..." I whispered as I ran my fingers over the warm metal.
"I thought you might like it...I had it custom made. Bloody jeweler took forever; I just went to pick it up early this morning, which is why it seemed as though I was avoiding you. I wanted it to be a surprise. Flip it over and look at the back..."
I did as I was told and saw that it had been engraved in flowing script.
"As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I
And I will love thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry"
"Yeah...I knew you would recognize it..." He smiled as he saw my eyes light up at the familiar words "...it's Robbie Burns. " He took my hand, and in a less than perfect imitation of a Scots accent...began to recite the poem to me as I giggled over his antics.
"O my luve's like a red, red rose.
That's newly sprung in June;
O my luve's like a melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will love thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun:
I will luve thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o'life shall run.
And fare thee weel my only Luve!
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!"
As he finished he brought up a hand and gently wiped a tear from my eye, while with his other he held up a newly cut key.
"Here you go, my Bonnie Lass...let this be the first key to grace the chain." He smiled and nodded towards his COBRA parked just outside. "Just be careful with her, ok...she's my baby..."
I was so astounded I could hardly speak. I just sat there, holding the key in my hand, while I tried to process all the implications that this simple gift represented. To an outsider...even to someone like Shana, who knows Dash well enough...the key chain would seem a poor substitute for an engagement ring. A cheap trinket meant to distract me from the 'real issues' surrounding our relationship.
They would think that, and they would be wrong.
I know Dashiell...I know he put a lot of thought into this. He isn't one who gives gifts often, but when he does it is done from the heart...even the smallest trinket holds subtle meaning if you take the time to look.
He has made it clear why he didn't want to rush into marriage, but he also wanted to show how committed he was to our relationship despite this decision...how much he was willing to sacrifice in order to make it work.
The words on the back of the key chain...the KEY TO HIS CAR, willingly given (even Karen wasn't allowed to touch the little red convertible)...those gestures are worth more than any diamond.
"Come on, get up...you can take me to pick up the truck and trailer so we can start packing..." he looked around at the books scattered across the floor and the duffel bag sticking out the passenger side window at an odd angle "...properly. I would like to get out of here first thing tomorrow. My parents are expecting us and have graciously offered their place to store our gear until we get back..."
I wanted to say something, tell him what I was feeling in my heart but for the first time in my life, words escaped me. Then, abruptly, what he had just said registered somewhere in that useless thing I like to call my brain.
"Get back...?" I finally choked out the words.
He laughed as he went into his back pocket and pulled out a rather large envelope. "Sorry...did I not mention we are headed to Europe? I asked for four weeks off before I give the brass my decision on where I want to be stationed. Our work with GIJOE has some perks it seems...I have a choice for once, and we will make it together while we travel. In any case, it'll give us some time to wind down...have some fun...not to mention your Aunt is expecting us..."
"Sarah!?"
"Yeah...she was excited to hear that we were headed her way. Nice woman...very enthusiastic. We are due in Scotland, then England to visit some old Oxford chums of mine...college reunion and all...then off to Spain for some well deserved R 'n' R."
"SPAIN!!??"
"Jeez, Allie...I thought you were a linguistics major...have you forgotten how to form a sentence?" He flashed me a lopsided grin as he pulled me to my feet, grabbing his beer at the same time, "...Yes, Spain. Its one of the few countries neither of us have ever seen. Think of it as a place where we can start building some memories together...no history, no GIJOE, just us. The car is rented and we have reservations at...hey!"
His words were cut short as I launched myself into his arms.
"I love you, Dashiell Faireborn..."
"Whoa...watch the drink, honey!" He smiled as he embraced me, lifting his beer out of harms way, "Damn it, you terrified me for a moment there. The very idea of leaving here without you... I love you...I don't know how you could have possibly convinced yourself otherwise!" He placed his hand gently under my chin and brought my face up so that my eyes met his. "We are a team, Alison Hart Burnett. What we do now and forever...we do together."
And so we ended up here, at his parent's home once again. We spent that entire day packing up the pickup he had rented and trying to get the cars loaded onto the long metal trailer. My poor little Porsche was filled to bursting with books...even the driver's seat...while the back of the truck was piled high with boxes and army duffel bags...all of which are now stacked practically to the ceiling in this little room.
That evening, we headed en mass to the 'farewell' bash. The party was sad but fun, as Hawk had pulled out all the stops...booking up one of our favorite local hangouts and even bringing in a live band. Everyone was there, from the original Joes to those that had only been with us for a few short months.
We talked, we danced...we sang. Well...I sang at least...stupid Jinx and her bloody ideas. She is just lucky I was a little drunk (not drunk enough to do ABBA as was suggested quite noisily around the bar...thank god) or it never would have happened. Well, ok, maybe it would have. I did once tell Dash he would have to do something pretty amazing for me to sing for him...and I believe he has kept his part of the bargain...
...and the look on his face as I grabbed Wild Bill's guitar and took the stage! Let's just say it was worth every note!
He was wonderful and attentive most of the night. Usually in public he is either prancing around like a peacock (not to say he didn't do some strutting around...that, my friend, is inevitable) or is slightly distant, lest someone complain about Hawk's lax enforcement of the rules.
That night though, he was all mine.
"Flint...don't you think you should tone it down a bit. Not that I am complaining, but Hawk is eyeing us and..."
"Dashiell...its Dash now, Allie. No more Flint, no more Joe...no more rules and regulations. For the first time since we met there is NOTHING standing between us." He kissed me softly on the lips and winked, "...and don't worry about the General, he's just jealous..."
"Jealous of us?"
"No...of me! I am one good-looking, intelligent, dashing, woman-magnet of a soldier..."
Ugh! Some things NEVER change.
Of course, after the excessive wonderful-ness of the day, I guess I should have expected at least one hiccup. I don't care what he says...he IS still 'Flint' through and through. Not surprisingly, a rather large incident involved Ace and an innocent hug goodbye. Mind you, he calmed down quickly enough after I reamed him out.
Sigh*
Despite his little outburst we managed to have a great time...albeit a bittersweet one. It's amazing; I have spent almost a decade with these men and women...living at close quarters, fighting in desperate, bloody battles side by side. We have seen the best of each other and the worst of each other...we know one another almost as well as we know our own families...yet after tonight most of us will go our separate ways.
I know over time we will drift apart. It is inevitable, isn't it? Our lives carrying us off in different directions? No matter what happens though, we will always share this common history...this deep bond. No matter where we go, in our hearts we will always be Joes.
Some will keep in touch...Marvin and Dash, for instance, who have been close since before GIJOE and will probably always be so despite the fact our resident gourmet is hanging up his gun and donning a chef's hat. Conrad will be around as well, that is if Dash doesn't find out I agreed to do some work for him on the side. The how and why of my decision is a tale for another day, but know that I haven't told Flint. He will blow a gasket when he finds out...if he finds out.
"Oh what a tangled web..."
As for myself, I will certainly stay close to Courtney and Shana...
Shana...
Why do I keep thinking about her? Here I am enjoying this fantastic turn in my life and my red headed 'older sister' keeps popping to mind.
I suppose I am worried about her, is all...
There is no question in my mind that Snakes loves her, and that she loves him. I envy the intensity of their feelings for each other, the depth of their bond. That said there is something very wrong between them and has been for a good year now. I can't quite put my finger on it...but its there, and it's growing like a cancer. That night, the whole time she was going on about their plans together Snakes was staring at the ceiling. It was as though only his physical self was in the bar with us...while his mind was somewhere far away.
I mentioned my concern to her, and as usual she dismissed me with a careless wave of her hand.
"We will work things out...we always do. He has been through a lot..."
Yes...he has. He has been to hell and back, and carrys the scars to prove it. Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder if Snakes is doing right by Shana. Does he know how much he hurts her every time he turns away to battle his demons alone? She hides it from him...from everyone...but its there deep inside, festering...and despite her strength, every so often she breaks. Every so often I find her lying quietly in her room...silent tears wetting her pillow.
I guess she and I are more similar than we care to admit. I like to think I am the stronger, but then again I break down as well...and certainly more often and more vocally than she.
Drama background, what can I say?
Speaking of drama, it will interest you to know I got a letter in the mail from a friend of mine who works for the Royal Shakespeare Company. Apparently, they are beginning to dabble in the big screen, following Kenneth Brannaugh's example that Shakespeare CAN appeal to the masses. The man's Henry V was brilliant!
In any case, the company is planning to do a movie adaptation of King Lear which will begin filming this winter, and the lead actor...Derek Jacobi...has asked for ME to play the role of Cordelia. ME! Sir Derek bloody Jacobi asked for ME!
Well...maybe not by name...I think his exact words were 'get me the girl who played Ophelia that summer in Ireland'...but still, he remembered me!
Dash is thrilled, and I am as well, although I haven't yet made up my mind if this is really what I want to do with my life. Regardless, I will be auditioning while we are in London next week.
Anyhow, I can hear Dash calling me from downstairs. Jeez, keep your beret on. I'm coming.
Well, I suppose this is the end. As this part of my life comes to a close, so am I putting aside my journal. Who would have known Psych's pet project would become such a novel? However, now it is time to turn the page so to speak.
Into a box you go...
Maybe one day I will find it in the attic, stuffed in some musty old box and crammed in a corner. Will I read these pages and wonder at my naiveté? My strength? My willfulness? My fear? Will I marvel at the things I accomplished? The things I survived?
Will my children read these pages and learn about their mother and the interesting life she led before becoming 'boring old ma'? Will their children?
Who can tell? The only thing I know for certain is that I will always look back at my time with GIJOE with fondness.
Farewell Lady Jaye...
********************************************************************************
Bard's Note:
That's all she wrote folks! Finally, Lady Jaye's Journal is done. Do you realize I started this thing in March! Wow...
Anyhow...just wanted to say thank you for all the nice reviews and support. This thing was a monster to put together and I can't tell you how happy I am that people read and enjoyed it. I certainly loved writing it.
If I have enough energy and Josh gives me enough material to work with, stay tuned for Lady Jaye's Journal: Reinstated. It might be a while though, and I am sure you are sick of this already ;-). In the meantime, I still need to bring Flint's Journal up to date. I have to tell you, being a woman and trying to write a man's diary is hard stuff! Funny thing is, I think I like writing Mr. "tall dark and awesome" more than LJ. Go figure.
I'm babbling. Sorry...it's late and I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and constructive feedback. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Jen
Finally, a moment to myself!
I am lying on the bed in Dash's room, surrounded by boxes and duffle bags. In fact, I literally had to climb in here a moment ago...maneuvering around the obstacles as gracefully as I could holding my journal in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other.
Chunky Monkey...mmmmm...Rose certainly knows how to stock a fridge!
We have only been in Kansas for a few days, but they have been quite busy. The Colonel took Dash and I fly fishing early the first morning, and the rest of the day was spent lazing by the river or cleaning our catch. Rose and I went shopping the second day, concluding with a trip to the local market. She had decided it was high time I put down the rifle and pick up the spatula, much to her son's amusement. Needless to say the whole exercise was a complete disaster...although in the end I did manage to put together something remotely edible.
Salad! Eat your heart out Jacques Pepin!
This afternoon we are heading over to Aunt Betty's for a Fourth of July picnic. Apparently, her house is on a hill, providing an unobstructed view of the fireworks in town. I'm really looking forward to it, despite the fact that I am going to have to deal with Betty for the next several hours.
Ah well...
I actually have very little to complain about. The weather has been beautiful, and Dash's parents have been wonderful hosts. It's been nice to get to know them without the rest of the Faireborn zoo hanging about...too bad we have to leave tomorrow night.
If you read my last entry, you're probably wondering how the hell I ended up in Kansas. No, it didn't involve a tornado or a pair of ruby slippers, but it's still quite the story...most of which involves me eating my hat! Sometimes I wonder at the depths of my own stupidity. I suppose I still have much to learn about relationships. My time with Shawn was wonderful if short lived...I was so very young, I really had no idea what I was doing...and my parent's parody of wedded bliss certainly didn't provide the most useful of models to work from.
Anyhow, all this to say thank god for Dashiell. Who would have known that my egocentric, arrogant, commitment-phobe of a Warrant Officer would turn out to be the sensible one...the one who held it all together?
Red hasn't a clue as to the man hiding under that beret. If she did she would never worry about my future with him. In fact, I think she might even grow slightly jealous! I know, I know...an awful thing to say about one of your best friends...but I often feel she is only critical of my relationship in order to deflect attention from her own.
But I digress...
I was still sitting on the floor of the hangar when he found me, waltzing in wearing his favorite black 'Oxford University' tee shirt, a pair of faded jeans, and an infuriating (at that point) lopsided grin on his face. I needn't mention that one look at me wiped the smile off his face fast enough.
"There you are, Alison. Christ, I've been looking all over for you. Don't you listen to the PA system? Lowlight and Ripcord brought in some brew and I made sure they got you some Guinness, I know how much you hate all that Americ..." he had lifted his hand to show me the bottles, but paused as he saw me turn away and quickly resume packing the car.
"What are you doing, Al? What's wrong? Have you been crying? Look at me Allie...LOOK AT ME!" I ignored the distress in his voice, the alarm in it as he became conscious of what I was doing.
"You're packing...why are you packing? Allie! ALISON!"
He grabbed my arm and tried to swing me round to face him but I fought him off.
"Allie! Stop that...TALK TO ME!"
"Leave me be, Flint...it's easier this way. No one gets hurt. Just go..." I whispered, my voice flat...emotionless.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?" He was in a panic now...the poor thing.
Thinking back I realize what this little scene must have done to him, his biggest fears brought to life expertly by yours truly. Did I understand what I was doing when I played out this little drama? Was I deliberately trying to hurt him as I thought he was about to hurt me...getting in the first shot before he had a chance to bring me down? Were my motivations so Machiavellian? I wouldn't put it past me...Sierra Gordo certainly brought home the fact that the dark side of my nature sits dangerously close to the surface.
"Go Flint..." My voice was so cold it caused a shiver to go up even my own spine.
"NO! Not until you tell me..."
"THAT'S NOT IN THE CARDS FLINT, NOW PLEASE LEAVE!" Tears were threatening to fall again, but I composed myself quickly...my mother's voice whispering in my ear, repeating the familiar Hart mantra.
"Don't let them get to you...and if they do, don't ever let them know. Rage in private...but in public you must remain indifferent, cold even. Every shift of your eyes, every twitch of your mouth...every nuance of your voice must be kept under tight control. Even the smallest crack in your demeanor will give your foe the opening he needs to go in for the kill."
Cold indifference as a means of defense...lovely, mother...you taught me well.
"Not in the cards..." he mumbled to himself as his sharp mind began to work. It didn't take him long to put two and two together.
"Oh shit...Alison. You didn't..."
"GO!" I said, my voice cracking. Mother Hart would be horrified! "Please...just go. Report to your new post and leave me to my life..."
The words had barely escaped my lips before he grabbed me again, harder this time.
"No!" He hissed as I struggled against him, but this time I couldn't break his grip.
"Let go of me Flint...I have already heard all of..."
"You heard...YOU HEARD!!!" He roared, "Allie, don't take this the wrong way but SIT DOWN, SHUT UP and LISTEN TO ME! DON'T JUST 'HEAR'...LISTEN!"
"What the HELL are you..."
"I said BE QUIET!" He picked me up as if I weighed nothing, placing me gently on the hood of my car before he leaned forward and hissed in my ear. "For once in your life STOP TALKING and LISTEN TO ME."
I was so stunned I didn't move even after he let go. I heard him mumble something along the lines of "...leave it to me to fall for bloody covert ops..." before settling down directly in front of me, matching me glare for glare.
"First off, I admit...I did sign up for another tour...AH! AH! I said LISTEN...I wasn't keeping it a big secret...I was going to tell you, but both of us were swamped last week. At any rate, I figured it would be so obvious a choice as to need no clarification."
"I am a soldier, Alison. I was born for this work and I am good at it. Hawk says I have a bright future with the Army and I don't doubt it. Already I am getting calls from people interested in having me join their units. Regardless of skill, though...I like it here. I love my job and god knows not many people can say that of their career choices."
"My brothers, my father, his father before him...we all served our country. It is really the only life I know...there is nothing else I can imagine myself doing. You know me better than anyone...Can YOU see me in a suit, doing defense consulting for one of the big weapons contractors? Can you see me playing politics? Can you see me going 'spook'?" He spat out the last word, his eyes filled with contempt. I guess he found out about Duke's new career choice.
"Besides..." he continued, his eyes softening, "...Call me old fashioned, but I have to be able to support us, support whatever...ummm...little 'surprises' who come to us in the future...I need to be able to build a home for us. This career will allow me to do that."
I opened my mouth to say something (old fashioned indeed...I certainly didn't need to be supported...and there would certainly be no little 'surprises' if he wasn't interested in 'buying the cow') but before I could snap back I felt his finger against my lips.
"Shhh, Allie. I'm not finished."
"I know what you heard...I know what I told Shipwreck. Granted, it might not have been the most eloquent way of putting things, but leave it to you to overhear guys acting like...well...like guys."
"No. Marriage is NOT in the cards for us...YET." He smiled as he saw the fire alight briefly in my eyes, "Look at us, Allie...look at our relationship. We have spent all of our time together living in this secret military organization...we have never known life as a couple in the real world. We have spent the past five years as Flint and Lady Jaye. Do we even know what it will be like out there as Allie and Dash? I know it sounds like a cop out, but Sweetheart...can you honestly tell me you were thinking of tying the knot BEFORE the sudden change in our lives...before you started hearing Red go on about her plans with Snakes?"
"Look...I have been married before. I know what its like and god knows I rushed into that with my eyes wide shut..."
"I'm not Kar..." I began, but he cut me off with an exasperated look. I rolled my eyes and sighed "...I know, I know...just listen..."
Jeez...if I didn't know any better I would say that he and my Aunt Sarah were separated at birth.
He smiled and continued.
"As I was saying...I rushed into my first marriage without even thinking, and look what happened! There's going to be a lot of pressure on us during the next year as we try and settle into life after Joe. I have to get used to a new position and you don't even know what you are going to do with yourself yet. Not to mention that we are both going to have to move. It's a lot to handle by itself...to add a wedding to it...and damn it, Al, I have wasted most of our relationship walking around with my heads up my six...we just started to get it together...I...I want us to work...I NEED for us to work! I don't think I could take it if it didn't."
"You have your doubts about us then..." I whispered. I didn't mean to say it aloud, but my brain was on overload and so it snuck easily past my 'filters'.
"Alison...look at me." He gently placed his hand underneath my chin and brought my eyes up to meet his, "...I have no doubts about us, you have to believe that...." he paused and began to recite...
"...seek not, sweet, the 'if' and 'why'
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give....no...NO"
He got up so suddenly that I started, nearly unbalancing myself from the hood as he began to pace furiously around the room.
"No...not this time...I have to say this in my own words..." In two long strides he was in front of me again, his hand taking mine.
"Yes I worry, Allie. You are everything to me. Its gotten to the point where I can't remember a time when I wasn't with you...its gotten to where I cannot imagine a future without you. I know I haven't done anything to make you think otherwise...but you have to recognize that what I said that day to Shipwreck was completely misunderstood. You are my life...I...Damn it, why can't I say what's in my heart..."
He turned then and grabbed a small package that had been placed, unnoticed, on the hood next to me. I must have really been in a state if that slipped by...he probably had it tucked under his arm when he came in. Mind you, he seemed a bit worried as he held the small box in his hands, I wonder if he had been trying to hide it while he decided whether or not to give it to me.
I watched as he licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair before slowly, gently, handing it over.
"Maybe this will show you what I can't seem to articulate..."
I took it in my hands. It was a small, non-descript and lightweight. Not a ring, that was for certain...but something pretty special if the awkward, nervous look on Flint's face was any indication.
Slowly, carefully I opened the package.
Inside lay a small gold key chain with a familiar symbol embossed in careful detail on its face. A dagger, point up, on top of which lay a heraldic sun composed of four straight and four wavy alternating rays...all surmounted by a gold heraldic rose with petals of dark blue lapis.
...the insignia of the Army's intelligence branch.
"Dash...my god...its beautiful..." I whispered as I ran my fingers over the warm metal.
"I thought you might like it...I had it custom made. Bloody jeweler took forever; I just went to pick it up early this morning, which is why it seemed as though I was avoiding you. I wanted it to be a surprise. Flip it over and look at the back..."
I did as I was told and saw that it had been engraved in flowing script.
"As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I
And I will love thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry"
"Yeah...I knew you would recognize it..." He smiled as he saw my eyes light up at the familiar words "...it's Robbie Burns. " He took my hand, and in a less than perfect imitation of a Scots accent...began to recite the poem to me as I giggled over his antics.
"O my luve's like a red, red rose.
That's newly sprung in June;
O my luve's like a melodie
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will love thee still, my Dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun:
I will luve thee still, my Dear,
While the sands o'life shall run.
And fare thee weel my only Luve!
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!"
As he finished he brought up a hand and gently wiped a tear from my eye, while with his other he held up a newly cut key.
"Here you go, my Bonnie Lass...let this be the first key to grace the chain." He smiled and nodded towards his COBRA parked just outside. "Just be careful with her, ok...she's my baby..."
I was so astounded I could hardly speak. I just sat there, holding the key in my hand, while I tried to process all the implications that this simple gift represented. To an outsider...even to someone like Shana, who knows Dash well enough...the key chain would seem a poor substitute for an engagement ring. A cheap trinket meant to distract me from the 'real issues' surrounding our relationship.
They would think that, and they would be wrong.
I know Dashiell...I know he put a lot of thought into this. He isn't one who gives gifts often, but when he does it is done from the heart...even the smallest trinket holds subtle meaning if you take the time to look.
He has made it clear why he didn't want to rush into marriage, but he also wanted to show how committed he was to our relationship despite this decision...how much he was willing to sacrifice in order to make it work.
The words on the back of the key chain...the KEY TO HIS CAR, willingly given (even Karen wasn't allowed to touch the little red convertible)...those gestures are worth more than any diamond.
"Come on, get up...you can take me to pick up the truck and trailer so we can start packing..." he looked around at the books scattered across the floor and the duffel bag sticking out the passenger side window at an odd angle "...properly. I would like to get out of here first thing tomorrow. My parents are expecting us and have graciously offered their place to store our gear until we get back..."
I wanted to say something, tell him what I was feeling in my heart but for the first time in my life, words escaped me. Then, abruptly, what he had just said registered somewhere in that useless thing I like to call my brain.
"Get back...?" I finally choked out the words.
He laughed as he went into his back pocket and pulled out a rather large envelope. "Sorry...did I not mention we are headed to Europe? I asked for four weeks off before I give the brass my decision on where I want to be stationed. Our work with GIJOE has some perks it seems...I have a choice for once, and we will make it together while we travel. In any case, it'll give us some time to wind down...have some fun...not to mention your Aunt is expecting us..."
"Sarah!?"
"Yeah...she was excited to hear that we were headed her way. Nice woman...very enthusiastic. We are due in Scotland, then England to visit some old Oxford chums of mine...college reunion and all...then off to Spain for some well deserved R 'n' R."
"SPAIN!!??"
"Jeez, Allie...I thought you were a linguistics major...have you forgotten how to form a sentence?" He flashed me a lopsided grin as he pulled me to my feet, grabbing his beer at the same time, "...Yes, Spain. Its one of the few countries neither of us have ever seen. Think of it as a place where we can start building some memories together...no history, no GIJOE, just us. The car is rented and we have reservations at...hey!"
His words were cut short as I launched myself into his arms.
"I love you, Dashiell Faireborn..."
"Whoa...watch the drink, honey!" He smiled as he embraced me, lifting his beer out of harms way, "Damn it, you terrified me for a moment there. The very idea of leaving here without you... I love you...I don't know how you could have possibly convinced yourself otherwise!" He placed his hand gently under my chin and brought my face up so that my eyes met his. "We are a team, Alison Hart Burnett. What we do now and forever...we do together."
And so we ended up here, at his parent's home once again. We spent that entire day packing up the pickup he had rented and trying to get the cars loaded onto the long metal trailer. My poor little Porsche was filled to bursting with books...even the driver's seat...while the back of the truck was piled high with boxes and army duffel bags...all of which are now stacked practically to the ceiling in this little room.
That evening, we headed en mass to the 'farewell' bash. The party was sad but fun, as Hawk had pulled out all the stops...booking up one of our favorite local hangouts and even bringing in a live band. Everyone was there, from the original Joes to those that had only been with us for a few short months.
We talked, we danced...we sang. Well...I sang at least...stupid Jinx and her bloody ideas. She is just lucky I was a little drunk (not drunk enough to do ABBA as was suggested quite noisily around the bar...thank god) or it never would have happened. Well, ok, maybe it would have. I did once tell Dash he would have to do something pretty amazing for me to sing for him...and I believe he has kept his part of the bargain...
...and the look on his face as I grabbed Wild Bill's guitar and took the stage! Let's just say it was worth every note!
He was wonderful and attentive most of the night. Usually in public he is either prancing around like a peacock (not to say he didn't do some strutting around...that, my friend, is inevitable) or is slightly distant, lest someone complain about Hawk's lax enforcement of the rules.
That night though, he was all mine.
"Flint...don't you think you should tone it down a bit. Not that I am complaining, but Hawk is eyeing us and..."
"Dashiell...its Dash now, Allie. No more Flint, no more Joe...no more rules and regulations. For the first time since we met there is NOTHING standing between us." He kissed me softly on the lips and winked, "...and don't worry about the General, he's just jealous..."
"Jealous of us?"
"No...of me! I am one good-looking, intelligent, dashing, woman-magnet of a soldier..."
Ugh! Some things NEVER change.
Of course, after the excessive wonderful-ness of the day, I guess I should have expected at least one hiccup. I don't care what he says...he IS still 'Flint' through and through. Not surprisingly, a rather large incident involved Ace and an innocent hug goodbye. Mind you, he calmed down quickly enough after I reamed him out.
Sigh*
Despite his little outburst we managed to have a great time...albeit a bittersweet one. It's amazing; I have spent almost a decade with these men and women...living at close quarters, fighting in desperate, bloody battles side by side. We have seen the best of each other and the worst of each other...we know one another almost as well as we know our own families...yet after tonight most of us will go our separate ways.
I know over time we will drift apart. It is inevitable, isn't it? Our lives carrying us off in different directions? No matter what happens though, we will always share this common history...this deep bond. No matter where we go, in our hearts we will always be Joes.
Some will keep in touch...Marvin and Dash, for instance, who have been close since before GIJOE and will probably always be so despite the fact our resident gourmet is hanging up his gun and donning a chef's hat. Conrad will be around as well, that is if Dash doesn't find out I agreed to do some work for him on the side. The how and why of my decision is a tale for another day, but know that I haven't told Flint. He will blow a gasket when he finds out...if he finds out.
"Oh what a tangled web..."
As for myself, I will certainly stay close to Courtney and Shana...
Shana...
Why do I keep thinking about her? Here I am enjoying this fantastic turn in my life and my red headed 'older sister' keeps popping to mind.
I suppose I am worried about her, is all...
There is no question in my mind that Snakes loves her, and that she loves him. I envy the intensity of their feelings for each other, the depth of their bond. That said there is something very wrong between them and has been for a good year now. I can't quite put my finger on it...but its there, and it's growing like a cancer. That night, the whole time she was going on about their plans together Snakes was staring at the ceiling. It was as though only his physical self was in the bar with us...while his mind was somewhere far away.
I mentioned my concern to her, and as usual she dismissed me with a careless wave of her hand.
"We will work things out...we always do. He has been through a lot..."
Yes...he has. He has been to hell and back, and carrys the scars to prove it. Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder if Snakes is doing right by Shana. Does he know how much he hurts her every time he turns away to battle his demons alone? She hides it from him...from everyone...but its there deep inside, festering...and despite her strength, every so often she breaks. Every so often I find her lying quietly in her room...silent tears wetting her pillow.
I guess she and I are more similar than we care to admit. I like to think I am the stronger, but then again I break down as well...and certainly more often and more vocally than she.
Drama background, what can I say?
Speaking of drama, it will interest you to know I got a letter in the mail from a friend of mine who works for the Royal Shakespeare Company. Apparently, they are beginning to dabble in the big screen, following Kenneth Brannaugh's example that Shakespeare CAN appeal to the masses. The man's Henry V was brilliant!
In any case, the company is planning to do a movie adaptation of King Lear which will begin filming this winter, and the lead actor...Derek Jacobi...has asked for ME to play the role of Cordelia. ME! Sir Derek bloody Jacobi asked for ME!
Well...maybe not by name...I think his exact words were 'get me the girl who played Ophelia that summer in Ireland'...but still, he remembered me!
Dash is thrilled, and I am as well, although I haven't yet made up my mind if this is really what I want to do with my life. Regardless, I will be auditioning while we are in London next week.
Anyhow, I can hear Dash calling me from downstairs. Jeez, keep your beret on. I'm coming.
Well, I suppose this is the end. As this part of my life comes to a close, so am I putting aside my journal. Who would have known Psych's pet project would become such a novel? However, now it is time to turn the page so to speak.
Into a box you go...
Maybe one day I will find it in the attic, stuffed in some musty old box and crammed in a corner. Will I read these pages and wonder at my naiveté? My strength? My willfulness? My fear? Will I marvel at the things I accomplished? The things I survived?
Will my children read these pages and learn about their mother and the interesting life she led before becoming 'boring old ma'? Will their children?
Who can tell? The only thing I know for certain is that I will always look back at my time with GIJOE with fondness.
Farewell Lady Jaye...
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Bard's Note:
That's all she wrote folks! Finally, Lady Jaye's Journal is done. Do you realize I started this thing in March! Wow...
Anyhow...just wanted to say thank you for all the nice reviews and support. This thing was a monster to put together and I can't tell you how happy I am that people read and enjoyed it. I certainly loved writing it.
If I have enough energy and Josh gives me enough material to work with, stay tuned for Lady Jaye's Journal: Reinstated. It might be a while though, and I am sure you are sick of this already ;-). In the meantime, I still need to bring Flint's Journal up to date. I have to tell you, being a woman and trying to write a man's diary is hard stuff! Funny thing is, I think I like writing Mr. "tall dark and awesome" more than LJ. Go figure.
I'm babbling. Sorry...it's late and I just wanted to thank everyone for the reviews and constructive feedback. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
Jen