THE DOLDRUMS
Episode IV: The Fon-Ton Menace
It is a time of great unrest aboard the BEBOP. The assignment of crew quarters is in dispute, and threats are numerous of civil war within the LIVING ROOM.
As the ship hurdles through it's umpteenth day in DEEP SPACE, Ed perfects her secret weapon, which will soon be unleashed upon the unsuspecting peoples of the Pilot's cabin. Ship's Captain, Jet Black assembles an army of bonsai trees to ward of the threat of galactic war with the evil forces of Faye Valentine, who searches desperately to be united with Jet's padawan learner, Spike Spiegel.
Unbeknownst to Spike, but beknownst to ME the GREAT and POWERFUL author, a meteorite hurtles through space to meet the Bebop in a dead-on collision…
::light flute solo, then musical thrum, as we zoom in on the Bebop, hurtling through space; Ba-DAAA-da, BA-DAAAAAA-da, Ba-DEEEEEEEE-Doodlee-dee- doo, DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM!!! DUM DUM, DUM-DUM- DUM- GOOOOOONG!!!!::
________________
:: At the end of the gong, camera change to the bridge of the Bebop, where Spike and Jet sit contemplating a game of chess in silence::
"Spike."
"Yeah Jet."
"Spike, it's your move."
"Yeah, yeah I know Jet."
Jet pondered this statement a moment. "So why haven't you moved."
"I don't know Jet. I sense something. A strange… agitation… in my mind. As if something were trying to tell me we were in danger, and yet, I know we are not."
Jet smiled knowingly and nodded. "Such a feeling cannot mean just nothing. There must indeed be something putting you in danger, my young friend. Indeed, I too sense that there is something disturbing my mind toward danger. Yet I know not what."
"Indeed."
"Indeed."
Having to continue conversation, Spike moved a piece on the board. Jet responded just as enthusiastically with the moving of another piece. Spike rebutted by moving another piece, while Jet contemplated his next argument by sitting back, pausing a moment, and going on to move his queen into checkmate, thus ending the argument.
"Checkmate."
"Yep."
"Another game?"
"Sure."
They reset the pieces on the board, this time in reverse so that Spike played white.
"How long do we have until we get to mars Jet?" Spike said, as he idly moved a knight over his pawns.
"Oh, I'd say a good solid month or two yet Spike."
Spike only responded by pressing both of the palms of his hands into his eyes as Jet made his move.
"It's not so bad Spike. We could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, hell, we could be fugitives from the law."
Spike sat a moment and pondered.
"True, true. But then again, we could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, and hell, we could be fugitives from the law."
Jet had no return comment. He could only watch as Spike moved a pawn out of the way of his queen.
"You do know that I am right, yes?" Spike said, deadpanning.
"Yes… yes I do know that you are right. And it hurts some to know that you are, and that being shot at would indeed be better than sitting around on my ass all day."
"Not that you do anything else but sit on your ass all day."
"Yeah, not that I… HEY!!!"
"Haha, checkmate Jet."
"…Screw you."
________________
::cross fade with a brief rise in music to accompany it, a light violin solo. Go to ed sitting with Ein on her head, while she works on her hydrogen bomb::
Woof ::Hurry, my minion, soon, all too soon, will your work be complete… MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!::
"Yes my master." Ed said back to Ein in a subdued voice. She was working for her master now, and he was not at all forgiving.
::BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Yes, my pet, soon we shall own this ship, and carry our vengeance to all of those who oppose the Fon-Ton!!!:: Ein barked.
"But master, what is the Fon-Ton?" Ed said in a wispy, not-all-together voice.
::GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! The Fon-Ton? Only the most precious commodity in the galaxy my minion! Soon, SOON we shall own it! Now connect those electrodes! CONNECT THEM!!!::
"Yes master… Master?"
::HEAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA!!! What now my peon?::
"How long have you been able to talk?"
::MEAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Only since the end of the last episode!!!::
"How did you do that?"
::GRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! … I… don't… know…::
"Oh. Ok. Does this wire go here or over here?"
::Ummm… KREAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Over there.::
And thus, they worked.
________________
::Musical thrum to accompany tour of halls of Bebop, leading to Faye's room::
Faye sat alone in her room. She was tired, so tired. Tired of being cold, tired of eating the same goddamn goop every single day. But most of all, tired of doing everything they told her to do. Tired of following orders. This wasn't freedom. This was slavery. Slavery to the evil men in the cockpit. She would have her revenge. Oh yes, she would have it, and it would be sweet, SWEET like the morning's dew coming off of a green leaf in the middle of spring in Japan, SWEET like the taste of a first kiss, SWEET like… like… sweet things… YES, it would be SWEET!!!
She only needed to find out how to get revenge on the EVIL-DOERS!! YES, She would EAT THEIR SOULS!!! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Yes… Now she would go after them… yes… now she would… yumm… souls…
________________
(RANDOM BREAK TIME)
::Select: Songfic::
::Spike and Jet are standing alone in a darkened room in the bebop, Jet holds a guitar and Spike holds a microphone, Song; Tenacious D – Tribute::
Jet strikes up the guitar
Spike: This is the greatest and best song in the world… Tribute.
Long time ago me and my friend Jet here…
we was hitch-hiking down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden,
there shined a shiny demon,
in the middle of the road.
And he said;
::Faye busts into the room with angry fire burning all around her::
Faye: Play the best song in the world…
Or I'll EAT YOUR SOULS!!!
Spike: Well me and Jet,
we looked at each other,
and we each said… OK!!!
Spike: And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
just so happened to be,
The Best song in the world,
it was The Best song in the world.
Spike: Look into my eyes and it's easy to see,
one and one make two,
two and one make three,
it was destiny…
Once every hundred thousand years or so,
when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
and the dust doth blow-woah…
Spike: Needless to say,
the beast was stunned.
A WHIPCRACK with its whippy tail,
and the beast was done.
She asked us;
::Faye it still burning, but in agony now::
Faye: Be you angels?
Spike: And we said;
Spike and Jet: NAY, WE ARE BUT MEN!!! Rock!
Spike and Jet: AaaaAHAAAaaaaa-AAAAaaaAAAaAaaa-WOAHOHOHOAHOOAHoooo….
Spike: This is not The Greatest song in the World…
This is just a tribute…
Couldn't remember
The Greatest song in the World…
No, This is a tribute…
To the Greatest song in the world, Alright…
It was the greatest song in the world alright…
Spike and Jet, a capela: Do ah daboobedobada, ah, dabedobeda, do, ah, dobedobedo
Spike: And the peculiar thing is this, my friends,
the song we sang on that fateful night,
it didn't actually sound anything like this song!!!
Spike: This is just a tribute,
You gotta believe me,
and I wish you were there,
Just a matter of opinion,
Graowr, Good God,
Gotta love it,
I'm so surprised to find can't stop it!!!
ALRIGHT!!!
::Hardcore guitar wailing until the end of the song, brief pause, and then back to acoustic::
________________
::End Songfic::
________________
"Uhh… Faye… Why are you on fire?" Jet asked, putting down his guitar.
"Umm… no reason…" She replied, now miraculously not aflame and unharmed. "Umm… I wan'ted to exact revenge for all these months of agonizing slavery under the whip of you savage men but-"
"Wait… whip?" Spike waid, quirking an eyebrow (INSERT LEMOIN FIC THOUGHTS).
"Uhh… yeah… the whip of brutality that you hold over me…"
"Yes yes, Tell us more about this… whip of brutality…"
"SHUTUP!!!"
"You know Faye, if there's something you need to tell us, feel free to." Spike said with an odd looking leer on his face.
"…Yes spike, I want to rip off all of your clothes with my teeth, cover you in chocolate icing, lick you clean with the tip of my tongue, then make sweet dirty love to you until I scream in passion again and again, and ultimately die of dehydration from loss of bodily fluids and of pleasure."
Faye walked out of the room doing a seductive little dance-walk, leaving two now fairly aroused men to their own devices. Spike broke the silence first, having a sharper mind than his elder companion.
"…Jet?"
"Yeah Spike?"
"You've been watching the T.V right?"
"Yeah Spike."
"Do we still get free porn?"
"No, no we don't."
Spike tossed it around in his head for a bit, still envisioning Faye with chocolate beckoning him into her room with a devilish grin. And then the pleasure. Oh yes. But the lack of the porn on the television was too, disturbing. GREATLY disturbing. Noting that there was no other alternative, and noting that he was truly, VERY ready to go right about now, he took the only option available.
"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike."
"Do we have any chocolate?"
"Yep. You can't be seriously considering… Uh… Spike? Where'd you go?"
But he was long gone after hearing the first word out of Jet's mouth.
________________
::wipe into the room with Ed and Ein::
ARF ::SPEED THY MOVEMENTS, MINION!!!::
"Yes master."
::THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!::
"I know my master… but I require sleeeeeeeep…. Sleep… :snorg:… :snore:"
::AWAKEN MY MINION!!! WORK MUST BE DONE!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZzzz….zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz… ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::BAH, I SHALL WORK MYSELF THEN!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::FOOLISH HUMAN TOOLS!!!... I don't have opposable thumbs..::
"zzzZZZzzz…"
Whinewhine ::Please, Ed? A little help with our little science project? Pleeeeeeeeeze?::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::DAMN YOU FOOLISH SLAVE!!!! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! GYAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::awww… I wanna blow something up….::
________________
::Crossfade into Faye's room::
Faye was felling fairly pleased with herself. She now OWNED THE MEN. Owned them with an iron fist of iron! And now that she had the power of sex on her side, she was UNSTOPPABLE.
In the middle of her thoughts, a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping on her chamber door came.
"Whats up?" She said fairly unconcernedly.
Spike busted into the room with a gallon-sized container of chocolate cake icing, a ladle and a loincloth.
"Oh… nothing. Just wondering what we could do with this icing." He smiled with that same devilish grin as he had earlier.
Faye got over her initial shock quickly. A few thoughts raced through her head very, very quickly, it went something like this; Ohmygod, he's there in a LOINCLOTH good to go from the looks of it, Whoa, he is REALLY ready to go too, HOLY HELL that thing is… WHOA… wait, what am I thinking?
"GET OUT PERVERT!!!"
________________________________________________
Authors Commentary: FINALLY!!! I've been working on this for a bit now, and WOOHOO, I've finally crapped it out!!! Man I feel good. Shout out to all mah homies who have reviewed this fic so far, especially the three or four who reviewed the third chapter, thus keeping the hope alive. I didn't really know how to end this chapter so I just did whatever. Download the song!!! I love the music video, it's helluv funny. Umm… hope you appreciate the script-like writing style, it cuts back on work for me, and it good practice for the movie I'm gonna be writing. Ok, adios!!!
Episode IV: The Fon-Ton Menace
It is a time of great unrest aboard the BEBOP. The assignment of crew quarters is in dispute, and threats are numerous of civil war within the LIVING ROOM.
As the ship hurdles through it's umpteenth day in DEEP SPACE, Ed perfects her secret weapon, which will soon be unleashed upon the unsuspecting peoples of the Pilot's cabin. Ship's Captain, Jet Black assembles an army of bonsai trees to ward of the threat of galactic war with the evil forces of Faye Valentine, who searches desperately to be united with Jet's padawan learner, Spike Spiegel.
Unbeknownst to Spike, but beknownst to ME the GREAT and POWERFUL author, a meteorite hurtles through space to meet the Bebop in a dead-on collision…
::light flute solo, then musical thrum, as we zoom in on the Bebop, hurtling through space; Ba-DAAA-da, BA-DAAAAAA-da, Ba-DEEEEEEEE-Doodlee-dee- doo, DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM, DUM DUM, DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM!!! DUM DUM, DUM-DUM- DUM- GOOOOOONG!!!!::
________________
:: At the end of the gong, camera change to the bridge of the Bebop, where Spike and Jet sit contemplating a game of chess in silence::
"Spike."
"Yeah Jet."
"Spike, it's your move."
"Yeah, yeah I know Jet."
Jet pondered this statement a moment. "So why haven't you moved."
"I don't know Jet. I sense something. A strange… agitation… in my mind. As if something were trying to tell me we were in danger, and yet, I know we are not."
Jet smiled knowingly and nodded. "Such a feeling cannot mean just nothing. There must indeed be something putting you in danger, my young friend. Indeed, I too sense that there is something disturbing my mind toward danger. Yet I know not what."
"Indeed."
"Indeed."
Having to continue conversation, Spike moved a piece on the board. Jet responded just as enthusiastically with the moving of another piece. Spike rebutted by moving another piece, while Jet contemplated his next argument by sitting back, pausing a moment, and going on to move his queen into checkmate, thus ending the argument.
"Checkmate."
"Yep."
"Another game?"
"Sure."
They reset the pieces on the board, this time in reverse so that Spike played white.
"How long do we have until we get to mars Jet?" Spike said, as he idly moved a knight over his pawns.
"Oh, I'd say a good solid month or two yet Spike."
Spike only responded by pressing both of the palms of his hands into his eyes as Jet made his move.
"It's not so bad Spike. We could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, hell, we could be fugitives from the law."
Spike sat a moment and pondered.
"True, true. But then again, we could be being shot at, we could be poor and out of food, we could be being hunted by the Yakuza, and hell, we could be fugitives from the law."
Jet had no return comment. He could only watch as Spike moved a pawn out of the way of his queen.
"You do know that I am right, yes?" Spike said, deadpanning.
"Yes… yes I do know that you are right. And it hurts some to know that you are, and that being shot at would indeed be better than sitting around on my ass all day."
"Not that you do anything else but sit on your ass all day."
"Yeah, not that I… HEY!!!"
"Haha, checkmate Jet."
"…Screw you."
________________
::cross fade with a brief rise in music to accompany it, a light violin solo. Go to ed sitting with Ein on her head, while she works on her hydrogen bomb::
Woof ::Hurry, my minion, soon, all too soon, will your work be complete… MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!::
"Yes my master." Ed said back to Ein in a subdued voice. She was working for her master now, and he was not at all forgiving.
::BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Yes, my pet, soon we shall own this ship, and carry our vengeance to all of those who oppose the Fon-Ton!!!:: Ein barked.
"But master, what is the Fon-Ton?" Ed said in a wispy, not-all-together voice.
::GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! The Fon-Ton? Only the most precious commodity in the galaxy my minion! Soon, SOON we shall own it! Now connect those electrodes! CONNECT THEM!!!::
"Yes master… Master?"
::HEAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAAA!!! What now my peon?::
"How long have you been able to talk?"
::MEAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Only since the end of the last episode!!!::
"How did you do that?"
::GRAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! … I… don't… know…::
"Oh. Ok. Does this wire go here or over here?"
::Ummm… KREAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Over there.::
And thus, they worked.
________________
::Musical thrum to accompany tour of halls of Bebop, leading to Faye's room::
Faye sat alone in her room. She was tired, so tired. Tired of being cold, tired of eating the same goddamn goop every single day. But most of all, tired of doing everything they told her to do. Tired of following orders. This wasn't freedom. This was slavery. Slavery to the evil men in the cockpit. She would have her revenge. Oh yes, she would have it, and it would be sweet, SWEET like the morning's dew coming off of a green leaf in the middle of spring in Japan, SWEET like the taste of a first kiss, SWEET like… like… sweet things… YES, it would be SWEET!!!
She only needed to find out how to get revenge on the EVIL-DOERS!! YES, She would EAT THEIR SOULS!!! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Yes… Now she would go after them… yes… now she would… yumm… souls…
________________
(RANDOM BREAK TIME)
::Select: Songfic::
::Spike and Jet are standing alone in a darkened room in the bebop, Jet holds a guitar and Spike holds a microphone, Song; Tenacious D – Tribute::
Jet strikes up the guitar
Spike: This is the greatest and best song in the world… Tribute.
Long time ago me and my friend Jet here…
we was hitch-hiking down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden,
there shined a shiny demon,
in the middle of the road.
And he said;
::Faye busts into the room with angry fire burning all around her::
Faye: Play the best song in the world…
Or I'll EAT YOUR SOULS!!!
Spike: Well me and Jet,
we looked at each other,
and we each said… OK!!!
Spike: And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
just so happened to be,
The Best song in the world,
it was The Best song in the world.
Spike: Look into my eyes and it's easy to see,
one and one make two,
two and one make three,
it was destiny…
Once every hundred thousand years or so,
when the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
and the dust doth blow-woah…
Spike: Needless to say,
the beast was stunned.
A WHIPCRACK with its whippy tail,
and the beast was done.
She asked us;
::Faye it still burning, but in agony now::
Faye: Be you angels?
Spike: And we said;
Spike and Jet: NAY, WE ARE BUT MEN!!! Rock!
Spike and Jet: AaaaAHAAAaaaaa-AAAAaaaAAAaAaaa-WOAHOHOHOAHOOAHoooo….
Spike: This is not The Greatest song in the World…
This is just a tribute…
Couldn't remember
The Greatest song in the World…
No, This is a tribute…
To the Greatest song in the world, Alright…
It was the greatest song in the world alright…
Spike and Jet, a capela: Do ah daboobedobada, ah, dabedobeda, do, ah, dobedobedo
Spike: And the peculiar thing is this, my friends,
the song we sang on that fateful night,
it didn't actually sound anything like this song!!!
Spike: This is just a tribute,
You gotta believe me,
and I wish you were there,
Just a matter of opinion,
Graowr, Good God,
Gotta love it,
I'm so surprised to find can't stop it!!!
ALRIGHT!!!
::Hardcore guitar wailing until the end of the song, brief pause, and then back to acoustic::
________________
::End Songfic::
________________
"Uhh… Faye… Why are you on fire?" Jet asked, putting down his guitar.
"Umm… no reason…" She replied, now miraculously not aflame and unharmed. "Umm… I wan'ted to exact revenge for all these months of agonizing slavery under the whip of you savage men but-"
"Wait… whip?" Spike waid, quirking an eyebrow (INSERT LEMOIN FIC THOUGHTS).
"Uhh… yeah… the whip of brutality that you hold over me…"
"Yes yes, Tell us more about this… whip of brutality…"
"SHUTUP!!!"
"You know Faye, if there's something you need to tell us, feel free to." Spike said with an odd looking leer on his face.
"…Yes spike, I want to rip off all of your clothes with my teeth, cover you in chocolate icing, lick you clean with the tip of my tongue, then make sweet dirty love to you until I scream in passion again and again, and ultimately die of dehydration from loss of bodily fluids and of pleasure."
Faye walked out of the room doing a seductive little dance-walk, leaving two now fairly aroused men to their own devices. Spike broke the silence first, having a sharper mind than his elder companion.
"…Jet?"
"Yeah Spike?"
"You've been watching the T.V right?"
"Yeah Spike."
"Do we still get free porn?"
"No, no we don't."
Spike tossed it around in his head for a bit, still envisioning Faye with chocolate beckoning him into her room with a devilish grin. And then the pleasure. Oh yes. But the lack of the porn on the television was too, disturbing. GREATLY disturbing. Noting that there was no other alternative, and noting that he was truly, VERY ready to go right about now, he took the only option available.
"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike."
"Do we have any chocolate?"
"Yep. You can't be seriously considering… Uh… Spike? Where'd you go?"
But he was long gone after hearing the first word out of Jet's mouth.
________________
::wipe into the room with Ed and Ein::
ARF ::SPEED THY MOVEMENTS, MINION!!!::
"Yes master."
::THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!::
"I know my master… but I require sleeeeeeeep…. Sleep… :snorg:… :snore:"
::AWAKEN MY MINION!!! WORK MUST BE DONE!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZzzz….zzzZZZzzzZZZzzz… ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::BAH, I SHALL WORK MYSELF THEN!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::FOOLISH HUMAN TOOLS!!!... I don't have opposable thumbs..::
"zzzZZZzzz…"
Whinewhine ::Please, Ed? A little help with our little science project? Pleeeeeeeeeze?::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::DAMN YOU FOOLISH SLAVE!!!! I SHALL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! GYAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!!!!::
"ZZZzzzZZZ…"
::awww… I wanna blow something up….::
________________
::Crossfade into Faye's room::
Faye was felling fairly pleased with herself. She now OWNED THE MEN. Owned them with an iron fist of iron! And now that she had the power of sex on her side, she was UNSTOPPABLE.
In the middle of her thoughts, a tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping on her chamber door came.
"Whats up?" She said fairly unconcernedly.
Spike busted into the room with a gallon-sized container of chocolate cake icing, a ladle and a loincloth.
"Oh… nothing. Just wondering what we could do with this icing." He smiled with that same devilish grin as he had earlier.
Faye got over her initial shock quickly. A few thoughts raced through her head very, very quickly, it went something like this; Ohmygod, he's there in a LOINCLOTH good to go from the looks of it, Whoa, he is REALLY ready to go too, HOLY HELL that thing is… WHOA… wait, what am I thinking?
"GET OUT PERVERT!!!"
________________________________________________
Authors Commentary: FINALLY!!! I've been working on this for a bit now, and WOOHOO, I've finally crapped it out!!! Man I feel good. Shout out to all mah homies who have reviewed this fic so far, especially the three or four who reviewed the third chapter, thus keeping the hope alive. I didn't really know how to end this chapter so I just did whatever. Download the song!!! I love the music video, it's helluv funny. Umm… hope you appreciate the script-like writing style, it cuts back on work for me, and it good practice for the movie I'm gonna be writing. Ok, adios!!!