Doldrums VI:
A New Hope
It is a time of great turmoil aboard the Bebop. Spike is horny, Faye is horny, Jet is bored, Ein is crazy, Ed is. Ed, and. oh hell, you remember what was going on last time. Nothing new here. Damn, why write an intro if you can't make a good first sentence? To hell with the "Times of Great Turmoil." What ever happened to "Darkness sits on the horizon," or maybe "Certain Disaster awaits the Rebel Alliance as," or even the better "The Empire has begun to torture Random People on the Streets to see if they have any information on the Beautifully Wonderful Rebel Alliance." Fuck it all. You know what? Start the goddamn fic. DO IT!!! Do it now!!! What? I need to write more? FINE!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH, a meteorite is out in space, BLAH BLAH BLAH, there's a thing called a Fon-Ton too, BLAH BLAH BLAH, no one knows what's going on, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ok... so that's enough? Great. So what now?
::BLAMBLAMBLAM.splat of brains on the wall::
.Now to the fic.
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The meteorite spun slowly in space, loaded with its secret evil payload of. evil. It hung there, as if suspended in some suspenseful liquid, suspending time in place with its suspense-fullness. It hung there, in the void in exactly the way that bricks don't. It knew nothing, it saw nothing, it heard nothing, it smelt nothing. It only moved onward in its long, looping orbit around the Sun, with nothing going on.
Until today.
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Arf!!! ::AT LAST!!! THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND!!! Now, after so much work and waiting, MY EMPIRE WILL RISE!!!!::
Ed and Ein sat next to their weapon of Doom, each considering 'oh such doomy-doominess would the doom device doom upon the doomed victims that their doom would bring.' Or something like that. This was one of those awkward-half silences where one would expect the scene to change, but NO, the author decided that damnit, they would have more than one line of dialogue in there. Oh, nono, you can't just say one thing and go on coffee break and smoke a cigarette. Hell no.
"Ein, Ed wants to BLOW THINGS UP!!! GREAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
Ruf!!! ::Soon, my minion, so soon will our doom machine rain DOOM apon those who warrant. uhh. DOOM!!!::
"Ed thinks you already said that."
ROOF!! ::SHUTUP!::
"Haha, I proved the master wrong!!! Nyanya!!!"
Grrrr. ::.shut up.::
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Jet and spike were sitting once again in the living room, their attention intent on the television. Their gods had delivered them from the mad darkness of nothing to do, and had provided them with a deep-space marathon of the entire Star Wars movie saga, all nine movies continuously.
"Mos Eisly Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." Jet said, in a perfect British accent in perfect lip-synch with the screen.
"I'm ready for anything." Spike replied in that half-cocky, half teenaged- fool voice of the young Jedi Luke Skywalker.
They had loved the final three movies to come out as children, their wise parents exposing them to such classics. They had also been shown the other six, the ones produced in the late 1900s and early 2000s. They both agreed; there was no greater thing on the earth or in heaven, let all of mankind and God's creations be damned for Star Wars.
They began to hum along with the popping, silly jazz-like music of the bar band.
"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike."
"I love these movies man. I remember watching these for the hundredth time, back when I was seventeen. I had this big party, and then we watched the movies, everyone was saying the dialogue with me, all fifty of us. We all knew it by heart. Then I went back and found out that I still had five more times to go before it was really a hundred. When I told the others, they said they wouldn't leave until we had seen the whole thing. Julia was there, urging me on to pop the DVD's in again. It was. they were good times. Good times."
"I know what you mean Spike. I remember my hundred, it was great. I was sixteen, out with my friends at one of their houses. We had just finished watching the last movie and I whipped out my counter-book just to mark that I had seen them again. And then, when the mark was in, I saw that I had seen the entire series of Star Wars one hundred times. That was the best day of my life. My friends were so proud of me when they found out, and they said stuff like 'That's freaking amazing!!! We're going out tonight!!!' It was great. Those were good times my friend. Real good times."
On the screen, Obi-wan Kenobi whipped out his lightsaber and severed the limb of some ugly-alien-man. Jet and Spike looked on, remembering the good times that came with the movie in a wave of nostalgia for better times. They remembered the times that they had spent watching the films with friends, alone, or with loved ones. And for just one moment, their lives didn't seem so bad anymore. It wasn't so bad that a crazy, albino swordsman wanted to cut Spike in two. It wasn't so bad that Jet's girlfriend of old had left him for a crazy man a decade younger than he was. It was all good.
And then it was shattered.
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Arf!!! :: Unleash it! Unleash the Doomsday Machine!!! Let all who stand before the might of the dark ones be destroyed!!!::
"Yes my lord!!!"
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"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike?"
"Wouldn't it be cool, just for one day, if we could be Jedi?"
"Hell yes."
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Faye turned in her sleep, her dreams troubled by something, she knew not what. She only knew that something. sinister was going to happen. Something. Evil. She also knew that. she would have almost nothing to do with it. Darn. ZZZzzzZZZ.. ZZZzzzZZZ..
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Growf!!! ::Three. two.One. DETONATE!!!::
Boom. A brilliant flash of light off the starboard bow, and then, with all of the silence and immobility of space, the Bebop vanished from this plane of existence. Never to be seen again. for the next chapter or so. depends on how much I like this story arc.
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First, there was nothing. And then there was something. This something was not as spectacularly something-like as the nothing had been so nothing- like as it had been, but still, it was something, and it was an improvement. Or was it? I can't tell. Anyway, there was something out of the nothing, and Spike Spiegel woke up. With a FUCK of a headache.
"Oh fuckin' hell. ASPRIN!!!"
"We don't have any. aspirin. sir, would you like some pain reliever for you head? You've had a rather hard knock."
Spike opened his eyes. He was in the bed of some fancy-ass new architecture medical bay, much like the ones you see in the movies, but that you know don't really exist, 'cause you know that all hospitals are full of money-grubbing HMOs who will suck you dry while you're under anesthesia. He was clothed in an off-white hospital gown, meaning (for all you fan-girls and a couple of fan-boys) that his ass was hanging out the back door free to the breeze. Looking around, he found the speaker. A robot.
"What the fuck is this? Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck are you talking? Where the fuck am I?" Spike yelled in an outraged mass, quite like Jay from Dogma yelling at god right before kissing her.
"Uhh. sir you are in a medical bay on the Republic capitol planet of Coruscant, I am M3p-74, your medical droid and personal fitness trainer, and I am talking because you asked for. aspirin. I understand if you feel disoriented from your injuries, you had a hard fall not too long ago and are working off the effects of a hangover. Please, lie down so that I may take additional scans. Do you require additional information?"
Spike laid down, pondering this. Ok. so he was in a hospital, that thing was one of those experimental android things the government was concocting (meaning he was captured by a) the ISSP looking for someone to take down for all the building he'd blown up over the years, b) The Red Dragon, and they were healing him up for torture because he was still alive, despite their best attempts to take him down, or c) dreaming), he had a hangover (no shit, Sherlock, oh my head), and was on Coruscant. Wait. Coruscant?
"Wait a minute, did you say Coruscant?"
"That is correct sir."
"As in Republic capitol Coruscant? As in The center of the galaxy's largest two governments? As in, Star Wars episodes one, two, three, seven and nine Coruscant? The planet that is a city and not much else?"
"Although I have no information in my database about these Star Wars episodes, and do not know what you mean by two governments, Coruscant is the city-world, seat of the Republic, and your current station."
Spike looked at the ceiling. This was it. The moment that he had trained his whole life for. Since the age of seven he had dreamed of being in the Star Wars universe. He had dreamed of being a member of the Rebels, he had dreamed of being a Jedi, and now, NOW he had the chance. OH YES!!! No chance that he was dreaming now, not with this GODFORSAKEN PAIN IN HIS BRAIN!!! Fucking hangovers.
"Alright. alright.. Ok.. Umm. need something good. ok. wait what do they call coffee here? Oh right, could you bring me some caf?"
"Of course sir. Your usual cup?"
"Uhh. sure."
"Right away sir." The droid turned and left.
Spike sat up, slowly, to avoid any sudden pains in his head. He studied his surroundings again, looking for anything which he remembered from the movies and the books (despite appearances as a semi-literate bounty hunter, Spike Spiegel was actually a very well read man, with a commanding knowledge of all the Star Wars novels right up until they killed off Chewbacca. Those bastards.), and found nothing, aside from what looked to be a large, transparent tube (like the one Luke is floating in in the beginning of The Empire strikes back which is used for Bacta treatment ad the healing of all wounds large and small), a pile of clothes (presumably his) and a silver-metallic rod about the length of his forearm with a shiny, little red button on it, the kind of red button that says 'push me!' on those tickle-me-Elmos at Toys R' Us.
It had a black, rubbery substance on it, which looked like a grip. Hmmm. I wonder. just what is that? What could it be. Hmmm. here we are in a Star Wars world, on a Star Wars planet, and here's a cylinder that looks like, well gee, I dunno, the handle of some kind of weapon. Well, gosh golly darnit, I have no idea what that could be, what do you think Spike?
Spike got off the bed and walked over to the table where the clothes and the cylinder were. With a big, BIG grin on his face, the kind you see on kids when you get them a toy that they've wanted ever since they saw it on T.V, he picked it up and held it in his hands. It was surprisingly heft, kind of like a gun. You just don't expect them to weigh that much when you see them and then wave them around. The grip was indeed polished rubber of some kind. It felt cool, hard, with just enough traction to ensure that it wouldn't slip out of his hands, but with enough smoothness to state that it could be shifted easily through many grips and held at any angle comfortably. The metal parts of it were sharp, crisp to the touch, clearly warning that if he were to put his hand any higher on this thing, he would have to go out and buy a new one, because there would be a couple of less fingers attached to it.
Carefully, cautiously, he pushed the little red button. The little red button that screamed to him PUSH ME YOU BASTARD!!! DO IT AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANY DRUG EVER!!! YOU WON'T NEED TO JERK OFF, JUST PUSH ME AND YOU WILL BE SATISFIED BEYOND ALL BELIEF!!! So, he pushed the button, taking care to make sure that it was pointed AWAY from himself.
Like magic the blade came into life. A meter long shaft of light, thrumming with the promise of power, and the screaming promise of vengeance against all those who would oppose him in battle. Lightly, he swung the blade around in a kung-fu style form his master had shown him oh so long ago. It felt. good.
Smiling, he tapped the red button twice, knowing that this would turn off the blade.
This'll be good times, Spike. Oh such good times.
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Jet woke with a start, realizing that he hadn't realized that he had fallen asleep while watching Star Wars with Spike. He was in a darkened room, on a soft and very comfortable bed.
:So this is what the sofa feels like when you sleep on it. Pretty freaking comfortable. So that's why Spike is here all the time.: Jet thought with a little smile.
He stood, and hunted around for a light switch. It was hard, he kept bumping into things, but he soon got to a wall and felt around for a second. Here we go.
::click::
"HOLY SHIT!!!"
He was in a large, luxury suite in the middle of a roaring city, at the top of a skyscraper, with a view. His furniture was colored in dark browns and greys, with the bed he was just in covered in a sort of downy, satin-like burgundy bed spread. He was clothed in only his boxers.
He looked around in amazement. It wasn't everyday that you get something like this dropped in your lap. Hell it wasn't every day you get anything dropped in your lap, and even then that which was dropped in your lap was almost never anything but an anvil landing on your crotch. And that wasn't really that fun.
"Holy hell. where am I?"
"Good morning sir. You are in room 145 of the Preston hotel, in the meridian sector of the city. The current standard time is 1:45. May I interest you in some soothing music to help you get back to sleep?"
Jet jumped, looking for the source of the disembodied, mechanical voice. "Who. are you?"
"I am Hotel Information and Guest Services computer HDD-47. My friends call me Didi. How may I be of service to you?"
Jets only response was a little 'uummmm' that seemed to stretch out until infinity, as his mind was frozen solid.
"Ok. uhh. how did I get here?"
"You arrived three hours ago, accompanied by your co-worker who referred to himself as Spike Spiegel. You were out cold, from alcohol consumption. After Master Spiegel turned you in for the night, he got into a scuffle with hotel security and fell down some stairs. He will be forwarded to the room adjacent to yours later in the morning. Our cleaning droids carried you to your room, undressed you, and administered an anti-alcohol shot so that you might clear your head. The time is 1:52. May I interest you in some form of refreshment?"
"Oh. No thanks. Could you tell me who's paying for this?"
"Master Spiegel put it on his account sir."
".Sweet."
"Indeed sir. New notice: Master Spiegel has awoken in the medical bay, and has reported a heavy headache. Would you like to visit him now, or later sir? The medical droid reads that he is fit for visitors, if irritable."
"Now, if at all possible. Could I get some clothes?"
"Your belongings are in the dresser next to your bed sir. If you require a guide to the medical bay, one will be waiting for you outside your door in five minutes. Please enjoy your stay at the Preston Hotel, comlink number 143-534-2312-9009 for reservations. Thank you."
Jet was grinning. Damn SWEET hotel. Shit, this must be costing Spike a FORTUNE. And he didn't have to pay him back. Oh yes. Good times.
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"Sir? You have a visitor."
"Thank you. Send them in."
Spike had gotten used to the harsh, mechanical tones of the medical droid quickly. It wasn't that hard really to think of the droid as just another person. In fact, he was thinking about getting one for himself when he got out of the medical bay.
Spike sat in one of those comfortable chairs they always have ready in hospital rooms. You know the ones, the ones with those wood armrests and cloth seats that are kind of small-ish when you first see them, but then when you sit they're plenty big? Yeah, those ones. He arranged his robes in a comfortable way (not too hard to do, since he was going commando), and awaited his visitor.
"Hey Spike!"
"Hey Jet. Whats up?"
"Not much man. Hey, this is a pretty sweet hotel."
"Hell yes it is."
"How did we get here? I'm told we were smashing drunk when we showed up."
"Uhh. I don't know."
"Oh well. We'll figure that out later."
"Hey Jet, a question."
"Yeah?"
"You're wearing robes."
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"And you never noticed any. similarities between them and say. a movie?"
"Well. not really. I did think this. flashlight thing, whatever it is, looked pretty cool."
"Say. did you happen to push the on button?"
"Uhh. no. No I didn't."
"Do it. Remember to have the end with the button closest to it far away from you."
"Uhh. ok."
::click:: ::THRUMMMMMMM!!!!!!::
"HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S A FUCKING LIGHTSABER!!! OHMYGOD!!! After years and years of waiting, the Gods have granted me my greatest desire!!! At LAST, I AM FREE!!! FREE TO DO WHATEVER I SO PLEASE!!! I AM A JEDI!!!!"
"Damn straight."
Jet gazed into the glowing green shaft of his brilliant lightsaber. He stood, transfixed by it, wanting to DO BATTLE RIGHT THE HELL FUCKING NOW!!!
"Hey Spike."
"Yeah, Jet?"
"You have one too?"
"Yep."
"I call Luke Skywalker!!!"
"You bitch!!! Fine, I'm Darth Vader!!! ::harsh, mechanical breathing:: Join me, and we can END this destructive conflict!!!"
"I'll never join you!!!"
"HYAH!!!"
They joined in battle, swinging their lightsabers with all the skill and power that they could while they weren't laughing their asses off at how freaking COOL this was.
"Hey Jet." ::vvvvvvvvvmmmmmmmm CRASH!!!::
"Hah! Yeah Spike?" ::VVVVvvvmmmmm CRASH CRASH!!!::
"You know some form of sword fighting don't you?" ::CRACKLE!!!::
"Yeah, I trained in kendo for all of my education, and was captain of the Kendo club in college." ::VVmmm CRASH!!!:::
"Sweet. I took weapons classes when I was learning wing-chun kung-fu." ::VMM VMM CRACKLE!!!!::
"SWEET!!! So we ARE BADASS JEDI!!!"
"Hell yes!!! Hey, I think we should stop before they call in security on us."
"Good idea."
They shut off their lightsabers and sat down in the comfortable chairs.
"That was cool."
"Hell yes it was."
"Have you tried any force-powers yet, Jet?"
"No, I didn't even know where we were. Now I get it. We must be in the Star wars universe right? And that means, given our outfits and weapons, we are Jedi here, and that means that I can lift you chair with my mind!!!" With that said, Jet extended his hand forward and intensely focused on lifting Spike and his chair into the air.
"Uhh. Jet? You have to let the force flow through you. Don't force your will into it. That leads to the dark side. You must feel the force flow! Remember Yoda's teachings, in the second hour of the fifth movie, in Dagobah, after Luke had failed with the X-wing lifting!!!"
"Right." Jet relaxed immediately, remembering his childhood experiments with concentration so that he could use the force. He extended his hand again, and this time, with a peaceful look of calm on his face, opened up.
It hit him in a rush. It felt. tingly. It was there, all of the power that he had worked so hard for in his youth, that was denied him because it didn't exist. He could feel a strong pull toward abusing the power, but he knew that that would lead to the dark side. Damn that sucked.
He opened his eyes. Spike was floating three feet in the air, in his chair, grinning like an idiot.
"Jet?"
"Yeah?"
"That is pretty fucking badass."
"Hell yeah."
________________________________________________________________________
Author's comments: Hell damn yes. The idea for this plot line? I love star wars. I love anime. I love bebop. I think Spike would make a BADASS Jedi. So there. Hope you aren't bored by my use of ::GASP:: PARAGRAPHS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Real writing, not just lines of incoherent dialogue!!!
To mah people:
Jayman: yes she is like that, and thank you for reviewing. I could give you her number. but her schedule is already packed tight, and I WANNA KEEP HER FOR ME!!!
AgentV: I'm a Jedi too. SO THERE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I will use the force to make you ALL love this fic. Yesyes..
Vampiigirl: I always appreciate good review from ladies, even girls. (. Oh yeah. (kidding)
To the rest of you: REVIEW MORE!!! It makes me feel warm'n'fuzzy. WEEHEEE!!!
More author's comments: This will be continued, and look forward to the next story arc, which will be in another buncha chapters: RANMA!!!... I think. I might do a silence of the lambs first. I dunno.
TBC. sooner or later.
It is a time of great turmoil aboard the Bebop. Spike is horny, Faye is horny, Jet is bored, Ein is crazy, Ed is. Ed, and. oh hell, you remember what was going on last time. Nothing new here. Damn, why write an intro if you can't make a good first sentence? To hell with the "Times of Great Turmoil." What ever happened to "Darkness sits on the horizon," or maybe "Certain Disaster awaits the Rebel Alliance as," or even the better "The Empire has begun to torture Random People on the Streets to see if they have any information on the Beautifully Wonderful Rebel Alliance." Fuck it all. You know what? Start the goddamn fic. DO IT!!! Do it now!!! What? I need to write more? FINE!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH, a meteorite is out in space, BLAH BLAH BLAH, there's a thing called a Fon-Ton too, BLAH BLAH BLAH, no one knows what's going on, BLAH BLAH BLAH. ok... so that's enough? Great. So what now?
::BLAMBLAMBLAM.splat of brains on the wall::
.Now to the fic.
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The meteorite spun slowly in space, loaded with its secret evil payload of. evil. It hung there, as if suspended in some suspenseful liquid, suspending time in place with its suspense-fullness. It hung there, in the void in exactly the way that bricks don't. It knew nothing, it saw nothing, it heard nothing, it smelt nothing. It only moved onward in its long, looping orbit around the Sun, with nothing going on.
Until today.
__________________
Arf!!! ::AT LAST!!! THE DAY OF RECKONING IS AT HAND!!! Now, after so much work and waiting, MY EMPIRE WILL RISE!!!!::
Ed and Ein sat next to their weapon of Doom, each considering 'oh such doomy-doominess would the doom device doom upon the doomed victims that their doom would bring.' Or something like that. This was one of those awkward-half silences where one would expect the scene to change, but NO, the author decided that damnit, they would have more than one line of dialogue in there. Oh, nono, you can't just say one thing and go on coffee break and smoke a cigarette. Hell no.
"Ein, Ed wants to BLOW THINGS UP!!! GREAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"
Ruf!!! ::Soon, my minion, so soon will our doom machine rain DOOM apon those who warrant. uhh. DOOM!!!::
"Ed thinks you already said that."
ROOF!! ::SHUTUP!::
"Haha, I proved the master wrong!!! Nyanya!!!"
Grrrr. ::.shut up.::
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Jet and spike were sitting once again in the living room, their attention intent on the television. Their gods had delivered them from the mad darkness of nothing to do, and had provided them with a deep-space marathon of the entire Star Wars movie saga, all nine movies continuously.
"Mos Eisly Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious." Jet said, in a perfect British accent in perfect lip-synch with the screen.
"I'm ready for anything." Spike replied in that half-cocky, half teenaged- fool voice of the young Jedi Luke Skywalker.
They had loved the final three movies to come out as children, their wise parents exposing them to such classics. They had also been shown the other six, the ones produced in the late 1900s and early 2000s. They both agreed; there was no greater thing on the earth or in heaven, let all of mankind and God's creations be damned for Star Wars.
They began to hum along with the popping, silly jazz-like music of the bar band.
"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike."
"I love these movies man. I remember watching these for the hundredth time, back when I was seventeen. I had this big party, and then we watched the movies, everyone was saying the dialogue with me, all fifty of us. We all knew it by heart. Then I went back and found out that I still had five more times to go before it was really a hundred. When I told the others, they said they wouldn't leave until we had seen the whole thing. Julia was there, urging me on to pop the DVD's in again. It was. they were good times. Good times."
"I know what you mean Spike. I remember my hundred, it was great. I was sixteen, out with my friends at one of their houses. We had just finished watching the last movie and I whipped out my counter-book just to mark that I had seen them again. And then, when the mark was in, I saw that I had seen the entire series of Star Wars one hundred times. That was the best day of my life. My friends were so proud of me when they found out, and they said stuff like 'That's freaking amazing!!! We're going out tonight!!!' It was great. Those were good times my friend. Real good times."
On the screen, Obi-wan Kenobi whipped out his lightsaber and severed the limb of some ugly-alien-man. Jet and Spike looked on, remembering the good times that came with the movie in a wave of nostalgia for better times. They remembered the times that they had spent watching the films with friends, alone, or with loved ones. And for just one moment, their lives didn't seem so bad anymore. It wasn't so bad that a crazy, albino swordsman wanted to cut Spike in two. It wasn't so bad that Jet's girlfriend of old had left him for a crazy man a decade younger than he was. It was all good.
And then it was shattered.
__________________
Arf!!! :: Unleash it! Unleash the Doomsday Machine!!! Let all who stand before the might of the dark ones be destroyed!!!::
"Yes my lord!!!"
__________________
"Jet?"
"Yeah Spike?"
"Wouldn't it be cool, just for one day, if we could be Jedi?"
"Hell yes."
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Faye turned in her sleep, her dreams troubled by something, she knew not what. She only knew that something. sinister was going to happen. Something. Evil. She also knew that. she would have almost nothing to do with it. Darn. ZZZzzzZZZ.. ZZZzzzZZZ..
__________________
Growf!!! ::Three. two.One. DETONATE!!!::
Boom. A brilliant flash of light off the starboard bow, and then, with all of the silence and immobility of space, the Bebop vanished from this plane of existence. Never to be seen again. for the next chapter or so. depends on how much I like this story arc.
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First, there was nothing. And then there was something. This something was not as spectacularly something-like as the nothing had been so nothing- like as it had been, but still, it was something, and it was an improvement. Or was it? I can't tell. Anyway, there was something out of the nothing, and Spike Spiegel woke up. With a FUCK of a headache.
"Oh fuckin' hell. ASPRIN!!!"
"We don't have any. aspirin. sir, would you like some pain reliever for you head? You've had a rather hard knock."
Spike opened his eyes. He was in the bed of some fancy-ass new architecture medical bay, much like the ones you see in the movies, but that you know don't really exist, 'cause you know that all hospitals are full of money-grubbing HMOs who will suck you dry while you're under anesthesia. He was clothed in an off-white hospital gown, meaning (for all you fan-girls and a couple of fan-boys) that his ass was hanging out the back door free to the breeze. Looking around, he found the speaker. A robot.
"What the fuck is this? Who the fuck are you? Why the fuck are you talking? Where the fuck am I?" Spike yelled in an outraged mass, quite like Jay from Dogma yelling at god right before kissing her.
"Uhh. sir you are in a medical bay on the Republic capitol planet of Coruscant, I am M3p-74, your medical droid and personal fitness trainer, and I am talking because you asked for. aspirin. I understand if you feel disoriented from your injuries, you had a hard fall not too long ago and are working off the effects of a hangover. Please, lie down so that I may take additional scans. Do you require additional information?"
Spike laid down, pondering this. Ok. so he was in a hospital, that thing was one of those experimental android things the government was concocting (meaning he was captured by a) the ISSP looking for someone to take down for all the building he'd blown up over the years, b) The Red Dragon, and they were healing him up for torture because he was still alive, despite their best attempts to take him down, or c) dreaming), he had a hangover (no shit, Sherlock, oh my head), and was on Coruscant. Wait. Coruscant?
"Wait a minute, did you say Coruscant?"
"That is correct sir."
"As in Republic capitol Coruscant? As in The center of the galaxy's largest two governments? As in, Star Wars episodes one, two, three, seven and nine Coruscant? The planet that is a city and not much else?"
"Although I have no information in my database about these Star Wars episodes, and do not know what you mean by two governments, Coruscant is the city-world, seat of the Republic, and your current station."
Spike looked at the ceiling. This was it. The moment that he had trained his whole life for. Since the age of seven he had dreamed of being in the Star Wars universe. He had dreamed of being a member of the Rebels, he had dreamed of being a Jedi, and now, NOW he had the chance. OH YES!!! No chance that he was dreaming now, not with this GODFORSAKEN PAIN IN HIS BRAIN!!! Fucking hangovers.
"Alright. alright.. Ok.. Umm. need something good. ok. wait what do they call coffee here? Oh right, could you bring me some caf?"
"Of course sir. Your usual cup?"
"Uhh. sure."
"Right away sir." The droid turned and left.
Spike sat up, slowly, to avoid any sudden pains in his head. He studied his surroundings again, looking for anything which he remembered from the movies and the books (despite appearances as a semi-literate bounty hunter, Spike Spiegel was actually a very well read man, with a commanding knowledge of all the Star Wars novels right up until they killed off Chewbacca. Those bastards.), and found nothing, aside from what looked to be a large, transparent tube (like the one Luke is floating in in the beginning of The Empire strikes back which is used for Bacta treatment ad the healing of all wounds large and small), a pile of clothes (presumably his) and a silver-metallic rod about the length of his forearm with a shiny, little red button on it, the kind of red button that says 'push me!' on those tickle-me-Elmos at Toys R' Us.
It had a black, rubbery substance on it, which looked like a grip. Hmmm. I wonder. just what is that? What could it be. Hmmm. here we are in a Star Wars world, on a Star Wars planet, and here's a cylinder that looks like, well gee, I dunno, the handle of some kind of weapon. Well, gosh golly darnit, I have no idea what that could be, what do you think Spike?
Spike got off the bed and walked over to the table where the clothes and the cylinder were. With a big, BIG grin on his face, the kind you see on kids when you get them a toy that they've wanted ever since they saw it on T.V, he picked it up and held it in his hands. It was surprisingly heft, kind of like a gun. You just don't expect them to weigh that much when you see them and then wave them around. The grip was indeed polished rubber of some kind. It felt cool, hard, with just enough traction to ensure that it wouldn't slip out of his hands, but with enough smoothness to state that it could be shifted easily through many grips and held at any angle comfortably. The metal parts of it were sharp, crisp to the touch, clearly warning that if he were to put his hand any higher on this thing, he would have to go out and buy a new one, because there would be a couple of less fingers attached to it.
Carefully, cautiously, he pushed the little red button. The little red button that screamed to him PUSH ME YOU BASTARD!!! DO IT AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO TAKE ANY DRUG EVER!!! YOU WON'T NEED TO JERK OFF, JUST PUSH ME AND YOU WILL BE SATISFIED BEYOND ALL BELIEF!!! So, he pushed the button, taking care to make sure that it was pointed AWAY from himself.
Like magic the blade came into life. A meter long shaft of light, thrumming with the promise of power, and the screaming promise of vengeance against all those who would oppose him in battle. Lightly, he swung the blade around in a kung-fu style form his master had shown him oh so long ago. It felt. good.
Smiling, he tapped the red button twice, knowing that this would turn off the blade.
This'll be good times, Spike. Oh such good times.
__________________
Jet woke with a start, realizing that he hadn't realized that he had fallen asleep while watching Star Wars with Spike. He was in a darkened room, on a soft and very comfortable bed.
:So this is what the sofa feels like when you sleep on it. Pretty freaking comfortable. So that's why Spike is here all the time.: Jet thought with a little smile.
He stood, and hunted around for a light switch. It was hard, he kept bumping into things, but he soon got to a wall and felt around for a second. Here we go.
::click::
"HOLY SHIT!!!"
He was in a large, luxury suite in the middle of a roaring city, at the top of a skyscraper, with a view. His furniture was colored in dark browns and greys, with the bed he was just in covered in a sort of downy, satin-like burgundy bed spread. He was clothed in only his boxers.
He looked around in amazement. It wasn't everyday that you get something like this dropped in your lap. Hell it wasn't every day you get anything dropped in your lap, and even then that which was dropped in your lap was almost never anything but an anvil landing on your crotch. And that wasn't really that fun.
"Holy hell. where am I?"
"Good morning sir. You are in room 145 of the Preston hotel, in the meridian sector of the city. The current standard time is 1:45. May I interest you in some soothing music to help you get back to sleep?"
Jet jumped, looking for the source of the disembodied, mechanical voice. "Who. are you?"
"I am Hotel Information and Guest Services computer HDD-47. My friends call me Didi. How may I be of service to you?"
Jets only response was a little 'uummmm' that seemed to stretch out until infinity, as his mind was frozen solid.
"Ok. uhh. how did I get here?"
"You arrived three hours ago, accompanied by your co-worker who referred to himself as Spike Spiegel. You were out cold, from alcohol consumption. After Master Spiegel turned you in for the night, he got into a scuffle with hotel security and fell down some stairs. He will be forwarded to the room adjacent to yours later in the morning. Our cleaning droids carried you to your room, undressed you, and administered an anti-alcohol shot so that you might clear your head. The time is 1:52. May I interest you in some form of refreshment?"
"Oh. No thanks. Could you tell me who's paying for this?"
"Master Spiegel put it on his account sir."
".Sweet."
"Indeed sir. New notice: Master Spiegel has awoken in the medical bay, and has reported a heavy headache. Would you like to visit him now, or later sir? The medical droid reads that he is fit for visitors, if irritable."
"Now, if at all possible. Could I get some clothes?"
"Your belongings are in the dresser next to your bed sir. If you require a guide to the medical bay, one will be waiting for you outside your door in five minutes. Please enjoy your stay at the Preston Hotel, comlink number 143-534-2312-9009 for reservations. Thank you."
Jet was grinning. Damn SWEET hotel. Shit, this must be costing Spike a FORTUNE. And he didn't have to pay him back. Oh yes. Good times.
__________________
"Sir? You have a visitor."
"Thank you. Send them in."
Spike had gotten used to the harsh, mechanical tones of the medical droid quickly. It wasn't that hard really to think of the droid as just another person. In fact, he was thinking about getting one for himself when he got out of the medical bay.
Spike sat in one of those comfortable chairs they always have ready in hospital rooms. You know the ones, the ones with those wood armrests and cloth seats that are kind of small-ish when you first see them, but then when you sit they're plenty big? Yeah, those ones. He arranged his robes in a comfortable way (not too hard to do, since he was going commando), and awaited his visitor.
"Hey Spike!"
"Hey Jet. Whats up?"
"Not much man. Hey, this is a pretty sweet hotel."
"Hell yes it is."
"How did we get here? I'm told we were smashing drunk when we showed up."
"Uhh. I don't know."
"Oh well. We'll figure that out later."
"Hey Jet, a question."
"Yeah?"
"You're wearing robes."
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"And you never noticed any. similarities between them and say. a movie?"
"Well. not really. I did think this. flashlight thing, whatever it is, looked pretty cool."
"Say. did you happen to push the on button?"
"Uhh. no. No I didn't."
"Do it. Remember to have the end with the button closest to it far away from you."
"Uhh. ok."
::click:: ::THRUMMMMMMM!!!!!!::
"HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S A FUCKING LIGHTSABER!!! OHMYGOD!!! After years and years of waiting, the Gods have granted me my greatest desire!!! At LAST, I AM FREE!!! FREE TO DO WHATEVER I SO PLEASE!!! I AM A JEDI!!!!"
"Damn straight."
Jet gazed into the glowing green shaft of his brilliant lightsaber. He stood, transfixed by it, wanting to DO BATTLE RIGHT THE HELL FUCKING NOW!!!
"Hey Spike."
"Yeah, Jet?"
"You have one too?"
"Yep."
"I call Luke Skywalker!!!"
"You bitch!!! Fine, I'm Darth Vader!!! ::harsh, mechanical breathing:: Join me, and we can END this destructive conflict!!!"
"I'll never join you!!!"
"HYAH!!!"
They joined in battle, swinging their lightsabers with all the skill and power that they could while they weren't laughing their asses off at how freaking COOL this was.
"Hey Jet." ::vvvvvvvvvmmmmmmmm CRASH!!!::
"Hah! Yeah Spike?" ::VVVVvvvmmmmm CRASH CRASH!!!::
"You know some form of sword fighting don't you?" ::CRACKLE!!!::
"Yeah, I trained in kendo for all of my education, and was captain of the Kendo club in college." ::VVmmm CRASH!!!:::
"Sweet. I took weapons classes when I was learning wing-chun kung-fu." ::VMM VMM CRACKLE!!!!::
"SWEET!!! So we ARE BADASS JEDI!!!"
"Hell yes!!! Hey, I think we should stop before they call in security on us."
"Good idea."
They shut off their lightsabers and sat down in the comfortable chairs.
"That was cool."
"Hell yes it was."
"Have you tried any force-powers yet, Jet?"
"No, I didn't even know where we were. Now I get it. We must be in the Star wars universe right? And that means, given our outfits and weapons, we are Jedi here, and that means that I can lift you chair with my mind!!!" With that said, Jet extended his hand forward and intensely focused on lifting Spike and his chair into the air.
"Uhh. Jet? You have to let the force flow through you. Don't force your will into it. That leads to the dark side. You must feel the force flow! Remember Yoda's teachings, in the second hour of the fifth movie, in Dagobah, after Luke had failed with the X-wing lifting!!!"
"Right." Jet relaxed immediately, remembering his childhood experiments with concentration so that he could use the force. He extended his hand again, and this time, with a peaceful look of calm on his face, opened up.
It hit him in a rush. It felt. tingly. It was there, all of the power that he had worked so hard for in his youth, that was denied him because it didn't exist. He could feel a strong pull toward abusing the power, but he knew that that would lead to the dark side. Damn that sucked.
He opened his eyes. Spike was floating three feet in the air, in his chair, grinning like an idiot.
"Jet?"
"Yeah?"
"That is pretty fucking badass."
"Hell yeah."
________________________________________________________________________
Author's comments: Hell damn yes. The idea for this plot line? I love star wars. I love anime. I love bebop. I think Spike would make a BADASS Jedi. So there. Hope you aren't bored by my use of ::GASP:: PARAGRAPHS!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! Real writing, not just lines of incoherent dialogue!!!
To mah people:
Jayman: yes she is like that, and thank you for reviewing. I could give you her number. but her schedule is already packed tight, and I WANNA KEEP HER FOR ME!!!
AgentV: I'm a Jedi too. SO THERE!!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! I will use the force to make you ALL love this fic. Yesyes..
Vampiigirl: I always appreciate good review from ladies, even girls. (. Oh yeah. (kidding)
To the rest of you: REVIEW MORE!!! It makes me feel warm'n'fuzzy. WEEHEEE!!!
More author's comments: This will be continued, and look forward to the next story arc, which will be in another buncha chapters: RANMA!!!... I think. I might do a silence of the lambs first. I dunno.
TBC. sooner or later.