The Doldrums: Part 8: The beginning. Only no, not really the beginning, so
much as the rest of this was a preamble sort of thing, and now I'm really
getting into the story, and now we'll have a real plot that exists. And
stuff.
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched four Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.
.And to get this party going.
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Jet and Spike sat in the back of the spaceship, waiting. It was by no means an elegant craft, like say, the Bebop, but it had it's diversions. Like in-flight movies, luxury seats, a fully stocked larder, and a fully stocked bar. YEEEHAWW!!!
Actually, since it was deemed hazardous to drink while in hyperspace, none of the crew was allowed to drink the alcohol. It turned out that drunk people push big red buttons when they aren't supposed to, sending ships into the cold, deep void of space without any way to return.
Damn that sucks. No beer.
So, naturally, Jet and Spike were amusing themselves. By constructing even MORE badass weapons, as any anime character with too much time is wont to do. So far, they had come up with a giant, claymore-like lightsaber for Jet ( HUGE monstrosity with a blade of 7 feet, and 1 foot wide), and a pair of arm blades for Spike (think Zealot from Starcraft).
"Hey Jet, pass me that power converter?"
"Sure Spike."
Spike had constructed his arm blades out of silver and black metals, with a desired blade color of gold in the silver blade, and silver in the black. Cool huh? I mean, you think, whoa, that's pretty badass, like in Trigun where Vash has two guns and one is silver and one is black? And how in Hellsing, Alucard has one black and one silver gun too? And how in Devil May Cry, Dante has one black and one silver gun too? Sure it's a used idea, but hey, Spike doesn't know that. So give him a freaking break, alright?
Jet had made his with an absurdly long handle, about a meter in length. Now, you don't really need that long of a handle for a lightsaber, as the lightsaber has a weightless blade and you don't need the extra leverage. Hell, you don't even need the energy blade if you have a big fat gun. Oh well. Why was he making his big? Why in the hell was he doing that? Hell, I don't know. I'll have to come up with an explanation. It's not the size of it that matters anyway. It's how you use it.
"Master Jedi? Master Qui-Gon wishes me to inform you that we will be dropping out of hyperspace in ten minutes. Would you like to join us on the bridge?" The intercom sparked.
Jet and Spike looked up from their toys. Then they looked at each other, and with a solemn nod, they put on their gear and headed to the bridge.
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"Captain?"
"Yes sir?"
"Tell them we wish to board at once." Qui-gon said.
"Yes sir."
The captain looked to her communications screen and said, "With all due respect to the trade federation, the Ambassadors for the supreme chancellor wish to board immediately."
"Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh. as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors..." The amphibious freak on the screen said in a nervous voice.
Qui-gon didn't really care about this guy on the screen. In fact, he didn't care much for this mission. At the moment, he was feeling the effects of an all-night party they had held onboard the ship the previous night, when they had run out of hangover medicine. It kind of hurt, actually. The frog-bitch had a really, really loud voice, and it was pounding on Qui-gon's nerves.
Jet and Spike entered the cockpit. Spike was dressed in his black Jedi robes, and Jet was dressed in an oddity: red Jedi robes. Not exactly a common thing, as you can tell. He had them made for him back of Coruscant, and they seemed to do it for the ladies, so he kept wearing them. Good call, as they were fairly badass looking. Not the ladies, badass looking, the cloak. You know what I mean? Right. Anyways.
"Whats up Qui-Dawg?" Jet said.
"Not much. We're going to be landing in the command ship in approximately three minutes, where we will be escorted to a waiting room to begin negotiations. Nothing special." Qui-gon said.
"Right. Ok, so do we kill all of the people on the ship now, or in three minutes?"
"I say maybe three minutes Jet. It looks more badass that way." Spike said.
"Nuh uh. It's all about lasers man. That's what the people want!"
"HELL NO, Smoke machines and lightsaber duels in the bowels of a floating city baby, yeah!!!"
"Shit man, you have it all wrong. Explosions and great music, in OUTER SPACE!!!"
"FUCK YOU! Do you have ANY idea as to how FUCKING cool it would be to BEAT THE HELL out of ANYONE in Cloud City?"
"Well, ok, that would be cool, but still, you gots to admit, them space battles is BADASS."
"Alright, sure. But it's all about hand to hand, right Obi-Wan?"
Obi-wan had been sitting with a horrified look on his face for the entire discussion. It was true that these two Jedi were more than capable and skilled at their jobs, from what he had seen so far. It was also true that they were JEDI, and thus NOT evil sons of bitches who go around killing for fun. But here they were talking about it as if they were in some kind of. sci-fi movie. What the hell?
"We will be landing in the docking bay in just a few moments sirs. Please return to the cabin," the pilot said.
As one, the Jedi turned toward the door and walked out. All save Spike.
"Do you know what will happen when we land?" He said.
".uhh. no, what?"
Spike sighed. There was nothing he could do now, her life was indeed forfeit. Oh well. Time for a last request.
"Tell me, if there was any one thing you could do before you die, what would it be?"
The pilot, whose name was Sharla, sat in contemplation for a moment. He seemed like he was asking a serious question. He wasn't joking or anything. And it seemed as if something horrible was going to happen to them after they landed. All she could focus on was the here and the now.
She looked up at him from her command chair. "Well, there is one thing. We have really about fifteen or twenty minutes until we're done shutting the ship down and I lower the departure ramp.and well. I do have this one little request."
"And whats that?" Spike said, hovering closer to her.
".I want to hear you scream my name."
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Fifteen or Twenty minutes later.
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Spike walked down the departure ramp, his robe a little disheveled, and a big grin on his face. He really didn't think she would have said.anything. Nothing more than a little smile and a laugh, or even a "GET OUT PERVERT!" Like hell he was expecting a full course with a side of fries, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the whole nine yards and a couple of coconuts, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the deluxe package with the view, if ya know whut ah mean. Awww yeah..
He joined the others, who were waiting at the bottom of the ramp. He and Jet exchanged knowing looks.
"So, Spike. I wonder what YOU were doing. Eh? Eh? Eh?" Jet said, with a little elbow nudge.
"Yeah Spike. What, were you doing?" Qui-Gon said, with a little wink- wink.
Obi-wan was beside himself. WHAT THE HELL? These were supposed to be Jedi. not. PIMPS.
"Oh. a little bit of this. a little bit of that. a little bit of everything, brutha." Spike said.
"HEh heheheheheee. Good times eh?" Jet said, with a little nudge.
"Hohohohoo. Great times down south, eh?" Qui-gon said with a little wink-wink.
"Lemme tell you something fellas. Jet, you can help out if you like." Spike said, moving toward the open hallway.
"Whats that, Spike?" Jet said.
"Just jump in when you know the words:
Once I was a boogie singer Playin in a rock an roll band!!! I never had no problems, Burning down the one-night stands! Then everything around me Got to start to feeling so LOOOW!!! And then I started quickly. yes ah did, To disco down and check out the shows."
Around this time, Jet got the hint, and started singing along, in a great imitation of George Clinton:
"YEAH THEY WERE DANCIN', AND SINGIN, AND MOVIN TO THE GROOVIN', AND JUST WHEN, IT HIT ME, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND AND SHOUTED:
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE.
They continued down the hallway, following a C-3PO droid to their awaiting conference room. Around the chorus, Qui-gon got the hint and started playing along on a ghetto-blaster, which he got out of nowhere.
"At first it wasn't easy, Changing rock'n'roll minds, And things were getting shakey I thought I had to leave it behind. But now it's so much better, I'm frunkin out in every way!!! But I'll never lose that feelin Of how I learned my lesson that day.
When they were DANCING, And SINGING, And MOVING TO THE GROOVIN, And Just when, It hit me, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND, and SHOUTED
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE."
They arrived in the conference room, still blasting the beats, when Obi-wan finally got the hint, and whipped out an electric guitar out of nowhere, and started twanging along, just like this: MEEBA, meeba meeba MEEEE!!!! WAAAWAAAA!!!! JIGGA jugga JIGGA jugga JIGGA JAHJAH!!! DWANG SCHWANG MEEBA WEEE!!! Meebleybee MEEEWAWAWAWAWAWAHHHH JAH!!! BWAOCHAWANG!!!
Yeah. Hardcore.
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On the Bridge, a silly little scene unfolded.
"What?!?! What did you say?"
"The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe."
"I knew it!!! They were sent to force a settlement!!!"
"STAY CALM!!! I'm sure the senate does not know of the Supreme Chancellors descicion. Go in there and distract them until I can call Lord Sidious."
"Are you crazy? I'm not going in there with two Jedi!!! Send the droid!!!"
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In the conference room:
"So, Spike, how was she?"
"Damn, Jet, why do you need to know?"
"Because."
"Damn. Why do you always come up with the good reasons. Alright, look, she wasn't that special when we saw the movie the first time, because, well, she looked like a man. But once she turned on the real lights in the cockpit and took her jumpsuit off, she was pretty nice. She must've been wearing a really tight suit, because I swear, they JUMPED out at me. craziness."
"Whoa. so what did you say to her to get her going?"
"That's the thing, I just asked her if she had anything she wanted to do before she died."
"Holy shit. that worked? Huh. funny."
"Serious. It's as if the gods of this universe want me to score on all of the womens."
"Do you know what this means?"
"What?"
"That they must want me to score too."
"With what? Anakin's mom?"
".Fuck you."
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On the bridge:
"This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. We dare not go against the Jedi!"
"You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are about me, Dofine. Viceroy!" The hologram called.
"Yes, my lord." The frog-bitch said in his bitch-voice.
"I don't want that stunted slime in my sight again, do you understand Viceroy?" Darth Sidious said, in a surprising display of alliteration.
"Yes, my lord." Frog bitch said, glaring at the other frog bitch, who promptly ran away.
"This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops."
"Ah. my lord, is that legal?"
"I will make it legal."
"And what of the Jedi?"
"Kill them."
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A gun turret popped out of the ceiling of the hangar, without warning, or alarms. This was something of a shock to the pilot of the ship, who was sitting calmly, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked up at it, and recalled something the Jedi had said to her before he left for his mission.
"The Force binds us and flows with us, my dear. When we leave this plane of existence, our souls go into the force, and we are reborn. What would you like to be reborn as?"
"A bird," she replied, "so that I can fly without needing a ship."
"Tch. good call."
Then there was nothing.
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"Hey guys, it's time to ROCK this place!!!" Spike yelled as he leaped onto the table, whipping out his arm-sabers.
"Oh yeah!!!" Jet said, slinging his giant-saber into his hands.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Obi-wan said, slowly drawing his saber.
"You do not sense the danger?" Qui-gon said. "Something on this ship just blew up something else on this ship. DUH, you stupid fucking moron!!!"
"Sorry, sorry, I'm ready, lets go, yehaw. Right."
"Hey guys, it's gonna be gas for the next few seconds, so we ought get out our handy dandy Jedi-issue rebreathers, eh?"
"RIGHT!!!"
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::serious mode, ACTIVE!!!::
Droids lined the hallway leading into the conference room, their metallic finish gleaming in the half-lit darkness. They swarmed forward, led with a precision that no organic creature could quite manage, each step led there by the exact calculations of the droid master-brain, the giant sphere in the middle of the ship. They lined up in the hallway, forming a gauntlet of blaster fire that no creature could escape from.
After setting the aim of their weapons on the precise middle of the door, the droids signaled for the door to be opened, without wasted dialogue on the survival of the Jedi.
Battle droids do not take survivors. They have no pity. They have no emotion. There is no mercy from them, only the cold sweet embrace of the snow, and the death beyond it.
The door opened, and the droids swarmed forward, preparing to scour the room for any of the Jedi menace, the master-brain ordering them into commando mode.
With suddenness startling to even the master-droid brain, the commando droids were wiped out by an unseen attacker. Reinforcements waiting in the hall crept forward, crouching low so as to provide the smallest possible target profile to the ambushers. Then the gas cleared out of the room.
Standing in the middle of the room was Spike Spiegel, his robe cast aside to reveal the matte-black-and-gold armor that was to be the droid's undoing. His helmet was on, and shielded his face, save for the double glowing green slits that were his eyes and the open top for his hair. He lifted his arms from his sides, showing off two crushed droid skulls. Casting them aside, he saluted the droids now advancing upon him, and with an electronically enhanced laugh, activated him cloaking mechanism and turned on his lightsabers.
The twin blades, gold and silver shone forth from the blurred light that was his body, like some angry god holding twin lighting bolts from his hands, prepared to smite those who would oppose him. Thinking this as he stood there, Spike could only smile. Lifting the blades into a cross-body salute, he let out an electronically enhanced bellow of rage and fury, and charged forward.
The other three Jedi followed him, though not too closely, allowing him and his enhanced speed and strength to clear a path for them as he rampaged through the droids, cleaving their metal bodies, and dancing around blaster bolts in midair. No matter what was fired at him, he always had time to dodge around it, seldom needing to deflect the shots with his lightsabers, and only then in order to redirect the attack at other droids. It was like watching the opening fight from episode one, only at twice the speed, with three times as many droids, and with a blur of light leaping around seemingly everywhere at once.
The other Jedi were left with only mopping-up action as Spike let loose a barrage of Force-attacks, ripping apart the droids with his mind while at the same time ripping them to pieces with his lightsabers. They knew that there was nothing that could stop him now, he had achieved a perfect meld between the classic bounty-hunter-Shaolin man he was with the cyborg-ninja-jedi he was now.
Such a thing cannot be defeated by mere droids.
And, as suddenly as it had begun, there were no more droids in the hall. Spike stood in the middle of it, not even breathing heavily, and deactivated his cloaking device. The armor was as pristine as when he first got it, not a single scratch in the paint was visible.
"Ok. That was cool." He remarked, more to himself than to anyone else.
"Hell yeah. damn Spike.." Jet was fairly speechless.
".Spike."Qui-Gon said, "Beware the dark side. With power such as yours, and a rage and fury to match, you will be tempted to take the quick and easy path out of situations. Namely, killing everything in sight. Be aware that there are other ways out of conflicts than that path. But, anyway, there was no such path here, and you did a fine job of protecting the rest of us."
".Hell yeah." Obi-wan said, awe apparent in his eyes.
Spike turned to look at the rest of them, sensing through the force that he had grown as a person now. Whereas before he would have been thrilled by such a fight, now he felt no emotion. It needed to be done, so he did it. He pondered this a moment, before summoning his cloak to himself.
"Thanks, guys. Now let's get to the bridge. I want to see the man responsible for this mess, and complain that his room service SUCKS."
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They arrived at the door without incident, the droid-brain apparently deciding to save its forces for a later assault. Smart huh? I mean really, you have what, four Jedi, one of whom happens to be the BADDEST mofo ever INVENTED, hmmm. maybe I don wanna fight these guys.
"So Jet, what now?" Spike asked
"Well, I guess we can use our lightsabers to blast in the door, hold everyone on the bridge hostage, and tell all of the ground troops to come back to the ship. But that wouldn't be any fun, eh?"
"On the money, dawg."
"Yea. So here's what we do, Qui-gon, you cut in the door, the two of us will cover you, ok?"
"Right" Qui-gon said, already plunging his lightsaber into the door's center.
"What about me?" Obi-wan said.
"Oh right. you help Qui-gon with the door, ok?" Jet said.
"Ok."
Obi-wan and Qui-gon made short work of the door, and still no droids attacked. After standing back a moment to admire their handy work, they then used the force to push in the door, and the four dove through the doorway in a flash of light from their sabers. They then looked around to find.
An empty bridge. With flashing red lights. And a countdown sequence in the top right-hand corner of the main computer screen. And a voice in the background saying:
"Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. The ship will explode in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to press the cancellation button."
Spike, Jet, Obi-wan and Qui-gon all experienced a brief moment of clarity, in which their lives flashed before their eyes. Self. Destruct. Damn.
Jet's life flashed before him, as if he were seeing it through the snows of his dreams. The snow was falling on Ganymede, it was a cold winter out with Jupiter. His wife, she was speaking to him. Telling him not to be afraid.
Qui-gon saw Yoda, telling him about the force when he was five years old, in the much-distant past. He could hear clearly, "The force flows around us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this. crude matter. You must feel the force FLOW. Between you, me, the computer, the wall, even between the ships in the sky." Qui-gon suddenly thought to himself 'hmm. is that a practiced speech?'
Obi-wan's life flashed before him. He saw Qui-gon, he saw Yoda, he saw all of his friends in the Jedi temple, he saw the places he had been, and he saw the places he never was able to see.
Spike's life flashed before his eyes. He saw women. many women. Women in countless numbers. Anime women, real women, women that he dreamt about. He saw breasts, large and small, he saw buttocks, oh so many, and he saw his escapades through the lands of fleshy, fleshy goodness. And then he thought to himself. "Hey. my life was cool."
They shook themselves out of their reverie.
"HOLY SHIT, CANCELLATION BUTTON!!!" They yelled as one, and sprinted for the control panel, literally leaping off the walls to get to it.
"Here it is!" Jet cried, after a frantic moment of searching.
He flipped open the panel concealing the controls for the self- destruct sequence, and discovered a nasty surprise.
"OUT OF ORDER? Fuck. Even in the future nothing works."
Then they paused for a moment, and in the attitude of all humans on the planet, they each tried to push the button, rapidly, one after another.
"GODDAMNIT!!!"
"Ten seconds to self destruct.9.8.7.6"
"Well Jet."
".5."
"Yeah Spike?"
".4."
"I guess we're gonna die."
".3."
"Yep."
".2."
"I have last words!!! Here we go: ifindmyselfatthebrinkofthedarknessoftheangelofdeath, andiknowthatthedarknesswithbringthecomfortoflifewithoutpain, andionlyhaveoneregret.I NEVER HAD SEX WITH FAYE!!!"
".1."
"ME TOO!!! Here: Weareallplayersonthestageoflife, nowwemusttakeourfinalbowsandleavethestage."
".0. Self destruct sequence activated, have a nice day!"
".Thankyou."
BOOM.
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Authors comments: HEEHEE. oh good fun, funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun.heehee. I wanna write more.
Oh yeah, sorry about the long, long, long wait, my bad and all of that, sorry I couldn't write more sooner. I've been working on a re-write of the episode one script, a radical departure from the movie itself, with an emphasis on the beginning of a friendship, as opposed to the beginning of an epic. if that indeed was what the first movie was about.
I mean, the REAL movies had themes. The first one was about the son following in the footsteps of the father, the second about the discovery that his father fell into darkness, and the third was about the son coming to the point of the father, then rejecting the father, and thus proving to his father that there was still hope for him, and redeeming the father from darkness.
SO, we can then assume that it would indeed be proper for the first three to begin with friendship, that of Obi-wan, student of yoda, and Anakin, who is really twenty years old, and a successful fighter pilot in the Republic's Navy already. See the parallel with Luke? DO YA?!?!?!? Ok, so basic plot, Obi-wan, a general in the clone wars under the command of Bail Organa of Alderan, is losing a battle to a clone army over the skies of some planet somewhere. Anakin and his crack squad of fighter-pilots move in and save the day by knocking out an important factor in the enemies offense. They meet young general Obi-wan, he sees the force in Anakin, he tells Yoda bout that, Yoda say "hmmm. we need more Jedi, so, because he's kinda cool, you can keep him." Obi-wan and Anakin then go out, get drunk, get into trouble, find secret plot to overthrow the republic, and foil it. They get to be best friends, and so on.
Good eh? I mean, boil down the plot of the real movies and it sounds like this:
Leia Organa, senator of planet Alderan, is underattack by the empire over a planet somewhere, she sends plans to secret battle station to planet in last-ditch effort to save the rebellion, plans get into hands of Luke Skywalker, but because the plans were followed, his foster parents get killed. So, he joins up with old mystic Obi-wan kenobi, goes to a city, hires a pilot to get to Alderan, only to find that it got blown up, go onto secret battle station to find hot chick in hologram, save her, while Obi- wan settles an old score, he dies, they escape, but are followed. Then they get to a hidden base where they throw together a last ditch effort to blow up said battle station, they save the day at great cost, and cut to credits.
So, what do you think?
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlaying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched four Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.
.And to get this party going.
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Jet and Spike sat in the back of the spaceship, waiting. It was by no means an elegant craft, like say, the Bebop, but it had it's diversions. Like in-flight movies, luxury seats, a fully stocked larder, and a fully stocked bar. YEEEHAWW!!!
Actually, since it was deemed hazardous to drink while in hyperspace, none of the crew was allowed to drink the alcohol. It turned out that drunk people push big red buttons when they aren't supposed to, sending ships into the cold, deep void of space without any way to return.
Damn that sucks. No beer.
So, naturally, Jet and Spike were amusing themselves. By constructing even MORE badass weapons, as any anime character with too much time is wont to do. So far, they had come up with a giant, claymore-like lightsaber for Jet ( HUGE monstrosity with a blade of 7 feet, and 1 foot wide), and a pair of arm blades for Spike (think Zealot from Starcraft).
"Hey Jet, pass me that power converter?"
"Sure Spike."
Spike had constructed his arm blades out of silver and black metals, with a desired blade color of gold in the silver blade, and silver in the black. Cool huh? I mean, you think, whoa, that's pretty badass, like in Trigun where Vash has two guns and one is silver and one is black? And how in Hellsing, Alucard has one black and one silver gun too? And how in Devil May Cry, Dante has one black and one silver gun too? Sure it's a used idea, but hey, Spike doesn't know that. So give him a freaking break, alright?
Jet had made his with an absurdly long handle, about a meter in length. Now, you don't really need that long of a handle for a lightsaber, as the lightsaber has a weightless blade and you don't need the extra leverage. Hell, you don't even need the energy blade if you have a big fat gun. Oh well. Why was he making his big? Why in the hell was he doing that? Hell, I don't know. I'll have to come up with an explanation. It's not the size of it that matters anyway. It's how you use it.
"Master Jedi? Master Qui-Gon wishes me to inform you that we will be dropping out of hyperspace in ten minutes. Would you like to join us on the bridge?" The intercom sparked.
Jet and Spike looked up from their toys. Then they looked at each other, and with a solemn nod, they put on their gear and headed to the bridge.
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"Captain?"
"Yes sir?"
"Tell them we wish to board at once." Qui-gon said.
"Yes sir."
The captain looked to her communications screen and said, "With all due respect to the trade federation, the Ambassadors for the supreme chancellor wish to board immediately."
"Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh. as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy to receive the Ambassadors..." The amphibious freak on the screen said in a nervous voice.
Qui-gon didn't really care about this guy on the screen. In fact, he didn't care much for this mission. At the moment, he was feeling the effects of an all-night party they had held onboard the ship the previous night, when they had run out of hangover medicine. It kind of hurt, actually. The frog-bitch had a really, really loud voice, and it was pounding on Qui-gon's nerves.
Jet and Spike entered the cockpit. Spike was dressed in his black Jedi robes, and Jet was dressed in an oddity: red Jedi robes. Not exactly a common thing, as you can tell. He had them made for him back of Coruscant, and they seemed to do it for the ladies, so he kept wearing them. Good call, as they were fairly badass looking. Not the ladies, badass looking, the cloak. You know what I mean? Right. Anyways.
"Whats up Qui-Dawg?" Jet said.
"Not much. We're going to be landing in the command ship in approximately three minutes, where we will be escorted to a waiting room to begin negotiations. Nothing special." Qui-gon said.
"Right. Ok, so do we kill all of the people on the ship now, or in three minutes?"
"I say maybe three minutes Jet. It looks more badass that way." Spike said.
"Nuh uh. It's all about lasers man. That's what the people want!"
"HELL NO, Smoke machines and lightsaber duels in the bowels of a floating city baby, yeah!!!"
"Shit man, you have it all wrong. Explosions and great music, in OUTER SPACE!!!"
"FUCK YOU! Do you have ANY idea as to how FUCKING cool it would be to BEAT THE HELL out of ANYONE in Cloud City?"
"Well, ok, that would be cool, but still, you gots to admit, them space battles is BADASS."
"Alright, sure. But it's all about hand to hand, right Obi-Wan?"
Obi-wan had been sitting with a horrified look on his face for the entire discussion. It was true that these two Jedi were more than capable and skilled at their jobs, from what he had seen so far. It was also true that they were JEDI, and thus NOT evil sons of bitches who go around killing for fun. But here they were talking about it as if they were in some kind of. sci-fi movie. What the hell?
"We will be landing in the docking bay in just a few moments sirs. Please return to the cabin," the pilot said.
As one, the Jedi turned toward the door and walked out. All save Spike.
"Do you know what will happen when we land?" He said.
".uhh. no, what?"
Spike sighed. There was nothing he could do now, her life was indeed forfeit. Oh well. Time for a last request.
"Tell me, if there was any one thing you could do before you die, what would it be?"
The pilot, whose name was Sharla, sat in contemplation for a moment. He seemed like he was asking a serious question. He wasn't joking or anything. And it seemed as if something horrible was going to happen to them after they landed. All she could focus on was the here and the now.
She looked up at him from her command chair. "Well, there is one thing. We have really about fifteen or twenty minutes until we're done shutting the ship down and I lower the departure ramp.and well. I do have this one little request."
"And whats that?" Spike said, hovering closer to her.
".I want to hear you scream my name."
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Fifteen or Twenty minutes later.
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Spike walked down the departure ramp, his robe a little disheveled, and a big grin on his face. He really didn't think she would have said.anything. Nothing more than a little smile and a laugh, or even a "GET OUT PERVERT!" Like hell he was expecting a full course with a side of fries, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the whole nine yards and a couple of coconuts, if ya know whut ah mean. He wasn't expecting the deluxe package with the view, if ya know whut ah mean. Awww yeah..
He joined the others, who were waiting at the bottom of the ramp. He and Jet exchanged knowing looks.
"So, Spike. I wonder what YOU were doing. Eh? Eh? Eh?" Jet said, with a little elbow nudge.
"Yeah Spike. What, were you doing?" Qui-Gon said, with a little wink- wink.
Obi-wan was beside himself. WHAT THE HELL? These were supposed to be Jedi. not. PIMPS.
"Oh. a little bit of this. a little bit of that. a little bit of everything, brutha." Spike said.
"HEh heheheheheee. Good times eh?" Jet said, with a little nudge.
"Hohohohoo. Great times down south, eh?" Qui-gon said with a little wink-wink.
"Lemme tell you something fellas. Jet, you can help out if you like." Spike said, moving toward the open hallway.
"Whats that, Spike?" Jet said.
"Just jump in when you know the words:
Once I was a boogie singer Playin in a rock an roll band!!! I never had no problems, Burning down the one-night stands! Then everything around me Got to start to feeling so LOOOW!!! And then I started quickly. yes ah did, To disco down and check out the shows."
Around this time, Jet got the hint, and started singing along, in a great imitation of George Clinton:
"YEAH THEY WERE DANCIN', AND SINGIN, AND MOVIN TO THE GROOVIN', AND JUST WHEN, IT HIT ME, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND AND SHOUTED:
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE.
They continued down the hallway, following a C-3PO droid to their awaiting conference room. Around the chorus, Qui-gon got the hint and started playing along on a ghetto-blaster, which he got out of nowhere.
"At first it wasn't easy, Changing rock'n'roll minds, And things were getting shakey I thought I had to leave it behind. But now it's so much better, I'm frunkin out in every way!!! But I'll never lose that feelin Of how I learned my lesson that day.
When they were DANCING, And SINGING, And MOVING TO THE GROOVIN, And Just when, It hit me, SOMEBODY TURNED AROUND, and SHOUTED
PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY!!! Lay down the boogie and play that funky music till you DIE."
They arrived in the conference room, still blasting the beats, when Obi-wan finally got the hint, and whipped out an electric guitar out of nowhere, and started twanging along, just like this: MEEBA, meeba meeba MEEEE!!!! WAAAWAAAA!!!! JIGGA jugga JIGGA jugga JIGGA JAHJAH!!! DWANG SCHWANG MEEBA WEEE!!! Meebleybee MEEEWAWAWAWAWAWAHHHH JAH!!! BWAOCHAWANG!!!
Yeah. Hardcore.
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On the Bridge, a silly little scene unfolded.
"What?!?! What did you say?"
"The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe."
"I knew it!!! They were sent to force a settlement!!!"
"STAY CALM!!! I'm sure the senate does not know of the Supreme Chancellors descicion. Go in there and distract them until I can call Lord Sidious."
"Are you crazy? I'm not going in there with two Jedi!!! Send the droid!!!"
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In the conference room:
"So, Spike, how was she?"
"Damn, Jet, why do you need to know?"
"Because."
"Damn. Why do you always come up with the good reasons. Alright, look, she wasn't that special when we saw the movie the first time, because, well, she looked like a man. But once she turned on the real lights in the cockpit and took her jumpsuit off, she was pretty nice. She must've been wearing a really tight suit, because I swear, they JUMPED out at me. craziness."
"Whoa. so what did you say to her to get her going?"
"That's the thing, I just asked her if she had anything she wanted to do before she died."
"Holy shit. that worked? Huh. funny."
"Serious. It's as if the gods of this universe want me to score on all of the womens."
"Do you know what this means?"
"What?"
"That they must want me to score too."
"With what? Anakin's mom?"
".Fuck you."
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On the bridge:
"This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious. We dare not go against the Jedi!"
"You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are about me, Dofine. Viceroy!" The hologram called.
"Yes, my lord." The frog-bitch said in his bitch-voice.
"I don't want that stunted slime in my sight again, do you understand Viceroy?" Darth Sidious said, in a surprising display of alliteration.
"Yes, my lord." Frog bitch said, glaring at the other frog bitch, who promptly ran away.
"This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops."
"Ah. my lord, is that legal?"
"I will make it legal."
"And what of the Jedi?"
"Kill them."
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A gun turret popped out of the ceiling of the hangar, without warning, or alarms. This was something of a shock to the pilot of the ship, who was sitting calmly, drinking a cup of coffee. She looked up at it, and recalled something the Jedi had said to her before he left for his mission.
"The Force binds us and flows with us, my dear. When we leave this plane of existence, our souls go into the force, and we are reborn. What would you like to be reborn as?"
"A bird," she replied, "so that I can fly without needing a ship."
"Tch. good call."
Then there was nothing.
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"Hey guys, it's time to ROCK this place!!!" Spike yelled as he leaped onto the table, whipping out his arm-sabers.
"Oh yeah!!!" Jet said, slinging his giant-saber into his hands.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Obi-wan said, slowly drawing his saber.
"You do not sense the danger?" Qui-gon said. "Something on this ship just blew up something else on this ship. DUH, you stupid fucking moron!!!"
"Sorry, sorry, I'm ready, lets go, yehaw. Right."
"Hey guys, it's gonna be gas for the next few seconds, so we ought get out our handy dandy Jedi-issue rebreathers, eh?"
"RIGHT!!!"
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::serious mode, ACTIVE!!!::
Droids lined the hallway leading into the conference room, their metallic finish gleaming in the half-lit darkness. They swarmed forward, led with a precision that no organic creature could quite manage, each step led there by the exact calculations of the droid master-brain, the giant sphere in the middle of the ship. They lined up in the hallway, forming a gauntlet of blaster fire that no creature could escape from.
After setting the aim of their weapons on the precise middle of the door, the droids signaled for the door to be opened, without wasted dialogue on the survival of the Jedi.
Battle droids do not take survivors. They have no pity. They have no emotion. There is no mercy from them, only the cold sweet embrace of the snow, and the death beyond it.
The door opened, and the droids swarmed forward, preparing to scour the room for any of the Jedi menace, the master-brain ordering them into commando mode.
With suddenness startling to even the master-droid brain, the commando droids were wiped out by an unseen attacker. Reinforcements waiting in the hall crept forward, crouching low so as to provide the smallest possible target profile to the ambushers. Then the gas cleared out of the room.
Standing in the middle of the room was Spike Spiegel, his robe cast aside to reveal the matte-black-and-gold armor that was to be the droid's undoing. His helmet was on, and shielded his face, save for the double glowing green slits that were his eyes and the open top for his hair. He lifted his arms from his sides, showing off two crushed droid skulls. Casting them aside, he saluted the droids now advancing upon him, and with an electronically enhanced laugh, activated him cloaking mechanism and turned on his lightsabers.
The twin blades, gold and silver shone forth from the blurred light that was his body, like some angry god holding twin lighting bolts from his hands, prepared to smite those who would oppose him. Thinking this as he stood there, Spike could only smile. Lifting the blades into a cross-body salute, he let out an electronically enhanced bellow of rage and fury, and charged forward.
The other three Jedi followed him, though not too closely, allowing him and his enhanced speed and strength to clear a path for them as he rampaged through the droids, cleaving their metal bodies, and dancing around blaster bolts in midair. No matter what was fired at him, he always had time to dodge around it, seldom needing to deflect the shots with his lightsabers, and only then in order to redirect the attack at other droids. It was like watching the opening fight from episode one, only at twice the speed, with three times as many droids, and with a blur of light leaping around seemingly everywhere at once.
The other Jedi were left with only mopping-up action as Spike let loose a barrage of Force-attacks, ripping apart the droids with his mind while at the same time ripping them to pieces with his lightsabers. They knew that there was nothing that could stop him now, he had achieved a perfect meld between the classic bounty-hunter-Shaolin man he was with the cyborg-ninja-jedi he was now.
Such a thing cannot be defeated by mere droids.
And, as suddenly as it had begun, there were no more droids in the hall. Spike stood in the middle of it, not even breathing heavily, and deactivated his cloaking device. The armor was as pristine as when he first got it, not a single scratch in the paint was visible.
"Ok. That was cool." He remarked, more to himself than to anyone else.
"Hell yeah. damn Spike.." Jet was fairly speechless.
".Spike."Qui-Gon said, "Beware the dark side. With power such as yours, and a rage and fury to match, you will be tempted to take the quick and easy path out of situations. Namely, killing everything in sight. Be aware that there are other ways out of conflicts than that path. But, anyway, there was no such path here, and you did a fine job of protecting the rest of us."
".Hell yeah." Obi-wan said, awe apparent in his eyes.
Spike turned to look at the rest of them, sensing through the force that he had grown as a person now. Whereas before he would have been thrilled by such a fight, now he felt no emotion. It needed to be done, so he did it. He pondered this a moment, before summoning his cloak to himself.
"Thanks, guys. Now let's get to the bridge. I want to see the man responsible for this mess, and complain that his room service SUCKS."
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They arrived at the door without incident, the droid-brain apparently deciding to save its forces for a later assault. Smart huh? I mean really, you have what, four Jedi, one of whom happens to be the BADDEST mofo ever INVENTED, hmmm. maybe I don wanna fight these guys.
"So Jet, what now?" Spike asked
"Well, I guess we can use our lightsabers to blast in the door, hold everyone on the bridge hostage, and tell all of the ground troops to come back to the ship. But that wouldn't be any fun, eh?"
"On the money, dawg."
"Yea. So here's what we do, Qui-gon, you cut in the door, the two of us will cover you, ok?"
"Right" Qui-gon said, already plunging his lightsaber into the door's center.
"What about me?" Obi-wan said.
"Oh right. you help Qui-gon with the door, ok?" Jet said.
"Ok."
Obi-wan and Qui-gon made short work of the door, and still no droids attacked. After standing back a moment to admire their handy work, they then used the force to push in the door, and the four dove through the doorway in a flash of light from their sabers. They then looked around to find.
An empty bridge. With flashing red lights. And a countdown sequence in the top right-hand corner of the main computer screen. And a voice in the background saying:
"Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. The ship will explode in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to press the cancellation button."
Spike, Jet, Obi-wan and Qui-gon all experienced a brief moment of clarity, in which their lives flashed before their eyes. Self. Destruct. Damn.
Jet's life flashed before him, as if he were seeing it through the snows of his dreams. The snow was falling on Ganymede, it was a cold winter out with Jupiter. His wife, she was speaking to him. Telling him not to be afraid.
Qui-gon saw Yoda, telling him about the force when he was five years old, in the much-distant past. He could hear clearly, "The force flows around us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this. crude matter. You must feel the force FLOW. Between you, me, the computer, the wall, even between the ships in the sky." Qui-gon suddenly thought to himself 'hmm. is that a practiced speech?'
Obi-wan's life flashed before him. He saw Qui-gon, he saw Yoda, he saw all of his friends in the Jedi temple, he saw the places he had been, and he saw the places he never was able to see.
Spike's life flashed before his eyes. He saw women. many women. Women in countless numbers. Anime women, real women, women that he dreamt about. He saw breasts, large and small, he saw buttocks, oh so many, and he saw his escapades through the lands of fleshy, fleshy goodness. And then he thought to himself. "Hey. my life was cool."
They shook themselves out of their reverie.
"HOLY SHIT, CANCELLATION BUTTON!!!" They yelled as one, and sprinted for the control panel, literally leaping off the walls to get to it.
"Here it is!" Jet cried, after a frantic moment of searching.
He flipped open the panel concealing the controls for the self- destruct sequence, and discovered a nasty surprise.
"OUT OF ORDER? Fuck. Even in the future nothing works."
Then they paused for a moment, and in the attitude of all humans on the planet, they each tried to push the button, rapidly, one after another.
"GODDAMNIT!!!"
"Ten seconds to self destruct.9.8.7.6"
"Well Jet."
".5."
"Yeah Spike?"
".4."
"I guess we're gonna die."
".3."
"Yep."
".2."
"I have last words!!! Here we go: ifindmyselfatthebrinkofthedarknessoftheangelofdeath, andiknowthatthedarknesswithbringthecomfortoflifewithoutpain, andionlyhaveoneregret.I NEVER HAD SEX WITH FAYE!!!"
".1."
"ME TOO!!! Here: Weareallplayersonthestageoflife, nowwemusttakeourfinalbowsandleavethestage."
".0. Self destruct sequence activated, have a nice day!"
".Thankyou."
BOOM.
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Authors comments: HEEHEE. oh good fun, funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun.heehee. I wanna write more.
Oh yeah, sorry about the long, long, long wait, my bad and all of that, sorry I couldn't write more sooner. I've been working on a re-write of the episode one script, a radical departure from the movie itself, with an emphasis on the beginning of a friendship, as opposed to the beginning of an epic. if that indeed was what the first movie was about.
I mean, the REAL movies had themes. The first one was about the son following in the footsteps of the father, the second about the discovery that his father fell into darkness, and the third was about the son coming to the point of the father, then rejecting the father, and thus proving to his father that there was still hope for him, and redeeming the father from darkness.
SO, we can then assume that it would indeed be proper for the first three to begin with friendship, that of Obi-wan, student of yoda, and Anakin, who is really twenty years old, and a successful fighter pilot in the Republic's Navy already. See the parallel with Luke? DO YA?!?!?!? Ok, so basic plot, Obi-wan, a general in the clone wars under the command of Bail Organa of Alderan, is losing a battle to a clone army over the skies of some planet somewhere. Anakin and his crack squad of fighter-pilots move in and save the day by knocking out an important factor in the enemies offense. They meet young general Obi-wan, he sees the force in Anakin, he tells Yoda bout that, Yoda say "hmmm. we need more Jedi, so, because he's kinda cool, you can keep him." Obi-wan and Anakin then go out, get drunk, get into trouble, find secret plot to overthrow the republic, and foil it. They get to be best friends, and so on.
Good eh? I mean, boil down the plot of the real movies and it sounds like this:
Leia Organa, senator of planet Alderan, is underattack by the empire over a planet somewhere, she sends plans to secret battle station to planet in last-ditch effort to save the rebellion, plans get into hands of Luke Skywalker, but because the plans were followed, his foster parents get killed. So, he joins up with old mystic Obi-wan kenobi, goes to a city, hires a pilot to get to Alderan, only to find that it got blown up, go onto secret battle station to find hot chick in hologram, save her, while Obi- wan settles an old score, he dies, they escape, but are followed. Then they get to a hidden base where they throw together a last ditch effort to blow up said battle station, they save the day at great cost, and cut to credits.
So, what do you think?