WOW! I have been on hiatus for like months! Well, more like two. I kinda got side tracked, first by the Sept 11 stuff and then I got absorbed by my Linkin Park fanfic. But never mind, I finished the chpt I wanted to finish for that and now I'm concentrating on this! Enjoy!
Here are the thanks for this episode:
Akisis
Gem Stoned
EllimistGirl
Britz (even though I didn't ask you)
And a tiny one for Jicklet J
Onstage….
David looks around and the others lounge in boredom. He turns to the man.
"You know you look familiar…." He says. The man lightens.
"Oh yes! I'm popular now!" he smiles.
"Did anyone ever tell you, you look just like---" Colin is interrupted as the doors explode open and the audience files in.
"What the….." Drode stares. The audience takes their place in the stands and watch the new, new cast silently. Drode gets up.
"Why did you all come back?" EllimistGirl stands up in the audience.
"Well, we got tired really quickly and we figured that since we're the audience we were supposed to be entertained and you're entertaining enough." She sits.
"Okay, but who hosts?" Drode asks. The authors share a look. Suddenly, Lenalaye bursts onto the scene.
"This is still my fic and I will host it. That is if the cast deems that acceptable…." She growls and looks at the new, new cast.
"Fine by us." Drode says. Air Wolf and Momo Claus also come and take their seats, arms crossed.
"What happened to the old cast?" Colin asks.
"Oh, I took care of them. Took care of them real good…." She picks up the cards.
"What about Ryan? We never found him…" Air Wolf whispers.
"He's one character, he can't battle against omniscient beings such as ourselves." Momo explains.
"Ahem. Well, viewers if you're just joining us, it seems we have a new cast." The camera pans the guys in the seat. Len pauses.
"Hey, who's that guy?" she asks. Everyone stares at the mysterious man.
"I didn't do anything!" he cries out, panicked.
"He looks like a monkey, maybe he escaped from some institute…" Momo thinks aloud.
"Wait a minute…looks like a monkey….that's President Bush!" all gasp at Len's revelation.
"Yay! You guessed right!" he gets all happy.
"President who?" David asks. Len stares at them.
"You don't know who President George W. Bush is?!!" the guys yank at their collars.
"Stupidest leader alive probably, the economy started to fail once he got into office, won the presidency by default…." She details.
"Umm….I'm from a completely different dimension! I have no reason to know such petty human affairs…" Drode explains.
"I'm from a different country!" Colin yells.
"You're from Canada!" Len exclaims.
"It's still a separate country and nothing you can say or do will make it otherwise!" he folds his arms defiantly. Len turns to David.
"You're human and from America, what's your excuse?" David starts to talk and then stops. He attempts again.
"Well I was in Everworld…."
"And in this one….." Len adds.
"I'm just a dumbass…" he gives up.
"Good. Now, Bush, you're funny and all, but that's because you don't attempt to be funny…." She turns to the audience.
"Okay let's vote! Do we keep the prez or what?"
"Why have him when you can have an original bonafide character such as myself?" Everyone turns to the double doors and Jake walks in.
"Jake? I mean I love you and all but you? Funny? I mean after that terrible ending, that would majorly depress anyone…especially you." Len says. Jake grins.
"That's what everyone thinks, but I'm here to prove them all wrong! Because I've done some thinking and decided to see the world in a brighter light!" he says triumphantly. Marco in the audience turns to a person.
"Actually, he just got on Prozac." He whispers to them.
"Well will you have monkey man or Jakey?" Jake leans on the desk. Len taps a card on her chin.
"Hmmmmm….." she then turns to President Bush.
"You! Out! And don't come back until you've fixed the country!" she orders.
"Awwww!" Bush buries his head in his hands.
"Jake, your seat is over there…." Len points. As Bush gets up he asks,
"Don't I get a parting gift?" Len disappears under the desk and pulls out a stack of pies.
"Here, go knock yourself out." she hands them to him.
"If you want me, I'll be in the secret hideout place." He says pouting, and walks away. Jake plops down.
"Well, let's get this show on the road!" he says and claps. The others look at him.
"Leader too?" David asks knowingly. Jake shrugs and smiles.
"Okay you wacky bunch you, let's do a great game known here as…'Let's Make a Date!' This is for all four of you, David, Colin and Jake will be the bachelors on one of those dating-type shows and Drode will ask them questions. You see, they all have a certain quirk or identity we have given them. At the end, Drode must guess who they are. When you're ready, begin." The guys have taken out their cards on their stools and put them away. Drode pretends to puff his hair.
"Oh bachelor number oooooone!" he says in a terrible, high pitched voice. The camera goes to David. The phrase ' Bush trying to deliver a speech ' appears.
"Yes!" David responds with a vacant look in his eye.
"Bachelor one, if I were a flower I'd be a Venus Flytrap! If you were a flower, what would you be?" David's jaw jitters open a little and then he speaks,
"Flowers. Uh-uh….well I'd be a dandy-lion or wait! A crisithiummmm. No wait, a cr-si-thi-phi-sis…wait I'll get it! What's for breakfast?" he asks out of the blue. The audience laughs ( I swear to spirits, if you watch that guy during a debate, that's the exact question in his mind. He is totally not there….).
"All right then, bachelor number two!" Camera goes to Colin and the words 'Joe Hahn from Linkin Park, battling his alter ego Remy' appear on the screen. Colin pretends to scratch the turntables and begins supplying a beat.
"Oh bacherloooooor!" Drode calls. Colin keeps on doing his thing.
"Bachelor two, I enjoy long walks----bachelor number two!"
"What?" Colin pretends to remove some headphones.
" I was saying, that I enjoy long walks on the beach. If you were to go on a date with me, where would you take me?" Colin pretends to hold a headphone to his ear and carefully studies the beat.
"I'd take you to all the clubs and show you my mad skills!" he says and the audience laughs.
"Oh that's what you think…." Colin says in a deeper, more evil voice. Colin straightens up and grips his head.
"It's happening again!" he then spins around.
"Follow me and I'll take you to the fiery depths of undiluted darkness." Colin says in the evil voice and spins around again.
"Like a face that I hold inside, a face that awakes when I close my eyes!" he scratches the turntables. Then he spins around again.
"And watches everything…." Remy says.
"Ohhhh bachelor number two you give me the chills!" Drode shivers and says. Colin sits down and slips his headphones back on.
"Oh bachelor number threeeeee!" Camera goes to Jake and the phrase 'All the female characters from the Animorphs series' appears.
"Yeah what?!" Jake yells and puts his hands on his hips.
"Now being the beautiful maiden that I am, I have had some past romances. They have turned our quite terrible, if my ex started stalking me, what would you do?"
"Why I'd kick his candy ass! But wait, that would be violent and I'm sure he's just misunderstood." Jake changes his demeanor.
"I mean, what with all the hate and fighting in this world, we can work this out for ourselves. Or maybe it would be just better to throw him in a cage and watch him scream in pain and pleasure! Whoohooo! Yes my poor little bir-die…." Jake cackles and does an evil female laugh. Colin drifts towards Jake.
"How 'bout you and I go attend a bio-exorcism?" Colin says as Remy. Then he warps.
"But we have a concert! I mean we owe it to the fans!" Colin counters himself. Remy narrows his eyes and says,
"Screw the fans! They don't even perform sacrifices for us…."
"And I promise I will put more funding into the schools….you say tamato I say tomatoe, you say potato, I say potatoe…let's blow Bin Laden up!" (sorry if that kind of material upsets anyone here…) David then puffs his lips out and does a few monkey noises.
"Oh well, um, bachelor number one, what kind of food do you like to eat?" Drode asks.
"Apple pie….I could go for some right now…." David looks around then realizes he's on stage. "And social security will remain secure! Thou shalt not….um…." David looks around and does a childish pout.
"You all are doomed to be my slaves! Hahahahaa! I shall rule the Earth you pathetic lowlifes! " Jake cackles as Edriss.
"Oh you are my cure for the itch…." Colin fonds over Jake.
"Taxes will be lowered and everyone will get miniature American flags!" David wags a confident finger at the audience. Colin goes back to his dj-ing, adding sound effects.
"Bachelor number two, same question!" Drode rings out.
"I like to devour the blackened part of sinner's souls…. Chinese takeout is always good too. Fast food and M&Ms and skittles and chocolate and cake and….." Colin goes on and on.
"Bachelor number three…."
"Oh! My hair! They shot my hair! Those ****!!" Jake gets up and mimes morphing into a grizzly bear.
"…..and tai food and Italian food and French food and Greek food, baklava's so tasty, and Korean food and Italian pasta and oh! Those little maple syrup candies from Canada!" Colin rattles off.
"The Hork-Bajir are my people now so you can kiss my hybrid ass Alloran!" Jake stands up and says. The audience cheers.
"Oh, um how nice bachelor number three. I think I'll skip you girlfriend ….Bachelor number one, I like a smart man who can engage me in intellectual conversation, what sort of topics would you amaze me with?" The audience is laughing hard as Drode finishes speaking.
"Inte-wha? What country are you from? Speak English!" David says a little confused. The camera goes to Jake who is in a sitting position.
"An ending for Animorphs? Phff!" He slams down the computer and walks away. The audience is in hysterics!
"Wait! Come back! We make beautiful misery--- I mean music together!" Colin calls after him. David grabs him as he tries to get up.
"Now , now son, you don't want to run around with hooligans like that. They're so un-American!" Colin looks him over, scratches a record then takes it and pretends to slice David's head off. David slumps backwards.
" I have a boo-boo!" he cries from the floor. Len begins banging the desk with her fist as she doubles over laughing.
BZZZZZZZZZZZZ! She slams the buzzer. David gets up and Jake comes back. They sit in their seats.
"So Drode can you guess who they are?" Len asks. Drode sits up straight.
"Well David was President Bush trying to deliver a speech, Colin was Joseph Hahn from Linkin Park battling his alter ego Remy and Jake was some of the female characters from Animorphs: Rachel, Cassie, Taylor, Edriss, Rachel again, Aldrea and at the end I think it was KAA herself." Len stares at the card and then at Drode. The others stare at him as well.
"Well I am an omniscient being you know!" Drode says.
"Oooookaaay….." Lenalaye discards the card. As the guys go back to their seats.
Backstage….
The survivors tend to the wounded.
"They said if we didn't get the real thing, they were gonna put us together in slash fics!" Chip groans as Ryan puts a pillow under his head.
"Yeah, Chip and me, Colin and you, Drew and Brad…"Wayne says.
"I thought I was with you Wayne." Brad says.
"No way! It was me and Wayne!" Chip argues.
"Okay, just shut up, and drink your robetussin…" Ryan hands him a small cup of thick, cherry liquid.
Akisis paces around.
"They must have gotten two of those authors together at one time. They saw through the disguise. Oh, I knew I should have cast a second spell!
"And yet, that spell they used, was so sophisticated, I can't believe Lenalaye knew it….Hmmm….." she flashes back.
"Gem! Jade! Do something!"
"Hold on, hold on, I'll contact Gem." Akisis hears Len's voice in her memory.
"OMG!" she exclaims.
"What?" Toomin asks, Ryan looks apprehensive.
"I just realized something! Lenalaye that shrewd bitch!"
"What?!" Ryan asks, getting edgy. Akisis sighs.
"It seems that Lenalaye's computer isn't the only one conducting things around here. She entrusted someone else, apparently someone named Gem."
"So you've never heard of them?" Toomin asks.
"A Gem Stoned, but very vaguely. Hmmm…Ryan? Mind checking fanfiction? Looking her up?" Akisis requests.
"Can do." Ryan salutes and begins the search. A page pops up and they read.
"And a web-site! Feeding Lenalaye information and power I suppose with a super-superior computer set up of sorts." Akisis muses. She turns to Toomin.
"Toomin, can I ask you a favor?" she poses.
"All right! Some action!" he cheers.
" Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is you need to locate Gem and dismember the system. Otherwise the link Christopher attached to Len's computer will be rendered obsolete!" Akisis instructs.
"Hey, I absorbed Jicklet for a reason." Toomin shrugs.
"The fanfic author?" Ryan asks, surprised.
"No! Just another Jicklet that I knew." Toomin explains. Akisis waves him off and he begins his quest.
Back on the set…
The camera goes back to Lenalaye who is trying to balance a pencil on her nose. She does this for several seconds then realizes the camera's on her.
"Oh!" she lets the pencil fall down and grabs the cards.
"Yes! We have another game! Umm…." She holds up the card.
"Oh wait we already did 'Irish Drinking Song'," she flips the next card.
"And 'Theme Restaurant'…." She goes to the next one.
"And 'Scenes from a Hat', 'Three Headed Broadway Star', 'Mo-town Group', 'Questions Only', 'Hey Down There', 'News Flash', 'Props', 'Hoe-down', 'Whose Line is it Anyway'…." She begins flipping widely through the cards to find a game. Faster and faster, she gets a deranged look on her face,
"AHHHHHHHH!" She throws the pile up into the air. The cards fall down around her.
"HOW CAN IT BE?! HAVE I EXHUASTED EVERY GAME POSSIBLE?!" she shouts. The studio remains silent as people shrug and wonder what comes next.
With Toomin….
Toomin starts walking down the hallway. He notices a vent and rubs his chin. He flaps his wings and gets up to the air vent. Pulling out a screw driver, he unscrews the bolts and wrenches the grill away. He then climbs in.
"This is so Mission Impossible!" he says to himself. He crawls through and tracks his way through the ventilation system. He looks out one exit.
"Okay, now Greg this is where you tell Dharma about the note you found. Okay and 1, 2, 3…." Toomin passes by and goes to another vent.
"Where the hell is Wayne?! He was supposed to come in today!" someone shouts. Toomin goes on to another grate.
"Oh I wish I were an oscar myer wiener…." The sound of rushing water is heard as well as a voice singing. It sounds strangely like Regis Philbin.
"Ewwww….." Toomin shudders and keeps crawling. The everyday studio sounds begin to fade away and are replaced with the hum of energy.
"Me thinks I'm getting close." He says to himself. Suddenly, the path stops with a grate over head. Toomin cranes his neck up and looks through the slits.
"So what's this thingy do?" an accented male voice asks.
"Bah! Don't touch that Britz!" a female voice shouts.
"Don't get your panties in a twist, I'm careful."
"Do you mind putting your drink somewhere else? I'm a bit leery about what might happen. The circuits would freak out."
"Why did you have me come up here if I'm so accident prone?"
"A) Sit in the chair. B) Because you know how easily I get bored." The voices stop for a moment. Toomin sits there and scratches his head. Let's see, there's an aussie guy in there who sounds stupid and a very attentive girl who sounds formidable. What to do?
"Aha!" he lights up in realization. He goes back to the grate.
"Help! Help! I'm unclad and I have a pizza!" Toomin says in a high voice.
"Uh…Gem what's unclad mean?"
"That means they don't have any cloths." We hear the skidding of a chair and hurried footsteps.
BANG!
BAM! Bambambam!
"You need to pull the door! Not push stupid!" the female voice says.
"Ahaa…." His voice lights up in realization. Then he slams the door.
"Hmmm that was like something out of our story…. Eh." She says and shrugs. She goes back to working. Toomin eases the grill up and sets it aside. He creeps out and tip-toes up to Gem.
"Aha!" he puts his hands over her eyes.
"Bah!"
"Guess who!"
"Auntie Em?" Gem guesses. Toomin takes the chair and boots her out of it.
"Hey! That was my chair!" She gets up.
"Not no more it ain't!" Toomin picks up a wrench. Gem realizes who this is and smiles.
"Oh Toomin, I bet you'd like this wouldn't you?" she pulls out a vial with glowing hot pink. He gasps.
"Is that my mojo? My essence and power? Give it back!"
"Uh-uh-uh….I don't think so…." Gem begins backing up as Toomin pushes forward. Gem flips a second grate open and holds the vial over it.
"One step closer and I let go!" she threatens. Toomin hesitates and turns to see the multiple cameras and scripts.
"Don't you even think about it…" Gem growls. Toomin swings his head back from the display to Gem. Display. Gem. Display. Gem. Display. Gem.
"You know, I don't think KAA even wrote the last book." He says. Gem lights up.
"You know what I think? KAA's not even a women!"
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, I mean every female character was either sappy or psychotic!"
"You know that actually makes some sense!" Toomin says.
"Really? I mean if she weren't a chauvinistic male, than she would try to promote feminism right?" Gem says enthusiastically.
"Uh…yeah she would! I think Scholastic's full of these freaks out to get us readers by warping favorite series. Why else would they have ended Everworld prematurely?" Toomin feeds Gem's conspiracy machine.
"Oh don't even get me started on Everworld…" she goes on to ramble anyway and Toomin nods his head occasionally saying 'uh-huh', 'you don't say?', and 'that's crazy!'.
"You know, what? I can hear you better when you face that wall." he interrupts her.
"Really?" she says.
"Oh yeah." He says. Gem shrugs and turns to face the wall.
"I beginning to think it's a conspiracy, maybe even set up by JK Rowling's lawyers. That's why they ended two very successful series. You see over there they have…." As she chatters on, Toomin sends a e-mail to Ryan. Then he goes and begins un-installing all the programs. Just to be sure he writes a virus to demolish whatever's left. He scoots out of his chair and gets up. Then he begins to creep up to Gem, eye on the vial.
"….which brings me back to my first point." Gem turns around just in time.
"Uh….yeah…" Toomin says in startle. Gem stares at him and then spots the computer.
"AH!" she notices the skull and cross bones on the screen. She sprints to the computer and tries to salvage the machine. With a resounding 'beeeeeuuuuuu' the computer dies. Gem glowers at Toomin and raises the vial in her hand.
"Nooooooooooooooo!!!" Toomin yells. Gem raises her hand and then stops.
"Oh wait a minute." She pulls out a device and clicks a button called 'slow mo'. Toomin nods.
"Noooooooooooo!!" he yells in a lower voice, as Gem raises her hand up and slams the vial downward. Toomin dives as the vial tumbles in the air.
"Ahahahahahahahaaa…." Gem laughs evilly in a low voice. Toomin, still diving, reaches for the vial.
SMASH!! The twinkling of broken glass as the vial breaks into a thousand pieces. Gem clicks the device again, bringing them back to normal motion.
"NOOOO!!! My immortality!!!!" he weeps over the spilt mojo. He inspects it closer.
" Ah you bitch! You had to go and—Oh, wait a minute, never mind it's still intact." He says and reaches down to touch it.
"Oh really?" Gem bends down.
"Yeah see, it' still pink." He points out.
" Hold a sec then." Gem goes and picks up Britz's bottle and pours the contents on the mojo.
"Okay now my immortality is lost." He frowns.
"Eh, and so is my computer. Eye for an eye."
"Okay, I'm gonna go back to my underground rebellion if you don't mind." Toomin thumbs towards the grate.
"Fine, I think I'll just go and watch the show." Gem says.
"See ya at the finale." Toomin says as he eases himself into the air duct.
"Bye." Gem waves.
Backstage…..
"That almost ready Ryan?" Akisis bends down and looks at the computer screen. Ryan taps a few more keys then clicks 'save'.
"Done." He turns around and says. The guys, woozy but all right, cheer.
"Excellent!" she says. Suddenly, the grating underneath her feet pops up. Toomin crawls out.
"Well…..I did it….." he says and brushes himself off.
"That's great!" Akisis sits up and says. She then notices the long face.
"What happened?" she asks in concern. Toomin sighs.
"I'll never have my capital letters back now….." Ryan and Akisis nod slowly. Wayne goes and pats him on the back.
"Cheer up, we're getting Len back soon anyway…." Ryan whispers. Toomin looks up.
"Oh really?" he asks. Ryan shows him the ending. They smile.
"So…..are we ready?" Chip asks. Akisis stares at the TV screen. Lenalaye sits at her desk, dismissing the camera and goofing off.
"Smile all you like, this will be your last fic….." Akisis says to the TV. She turns to the guys.
"All right, now's the time to go. Ryan, open up the transfer…"
"All right! Time to rock and roll!" Brad says. Everyone looks at him.
"What?" They all shake their heads and file out. Akisis follows. Ryan opens up the transfer and slowly rises out of his chair. He pulls away from the computer and goes to the door. He looks back and then hurries out. The room is empty and the camera focuses on the TV screen with Lenalaye smiling so innocently, unknowing of the undoing that is afoot….
*************************************************************
Uh-oh! Heheheheee you know what that means…..battle's gonna happen. Lots of cool fight scenes! Not to mention the awesome climax to this fic…..all on the next episode of Animorphs Invades Whose Line is it Anyway?: The Invasion Continues…..
The games I mentioned were mostly from the first episode in case you're wondering what the I was talking about.
PS: Sorry to any Republicans who read this. I don't think Gore would have done any better, (really I want Clinton back) but Bush is so easy to ridicule.