I crawl back from the depths of the abyss…….
Yes, it's me Lenalaye, long forgotten author. I got myself lost in another category for a while, then that got yanked from the site, so that explains my long absence. Or you could blame aliens. Yea, that sounds much better, BLAME THE ALIENS! They abducted me and performed weird experiments on me and they only returns me just yesterday!
Or maybe I just forgot about this in the pursuit of life and original writing.
Either way, I am gonna finish this off, for my fans!!! [ if any of them remain] :::Looks around:::;
I'm gonna finish it!
Right now!
Thanks Super Hurricane for his suggestions
You have probably forgotten a lot of the story by now. Remember, Lenalaye stole Ryan's laptop [ who was gonna be the person to topple Lenalaye…remember…like the forth chpt, go back and re-read it]. And anyway, Lenalaye unleashed her generals plus a variety of characters on Ryan's meager army. They split up into their fights, as you can see in the previous chpts. So that's where we are now.
*************************************************************
Round Three
Air Wolf vs. Jake (plus David, Toomin and Brad)
Oh I wish I were an oscar myer wiener…that is what I'd truly like to beeeee cuz if I were an oscar myer wiener, then everyone would be in love with meeeeee…..
"Toomin take your goddamn fingers out of your ears and stop singing!" Brad smacks him upside the head. Toomin is brought back to painful reality. He begins shivering uncontrollably as he looks down to see the army of Air Wolf blanketing the ground. Toomin grabs the scaffolding and whimpers,
"Ohhhhhh I'm too young to die!"
"You're like billions of years old!" David points out.
"I'm still to young to die! I'll never get to see Uzbekistan now…:" he moans. The riot below is getting even more hostile.
"So, any of you got any plans???" Brad asks.
"Why are you looking at the rest of us! You could help too!" David says.
"Well, I was just thinking that since our group has one leader who fought against an alien empire, one leader who fought against ancient gods and one person who used to rule the universe that we'd have ENOUGH BRAINS AND EXPERIANCE TO COME UP WITH A PLAN!!!" Brad shouts.
"Well aren't we the little ray of sunshine?" Toomin says in a sweet, sarcastic tone.
"Oh shut the hell up! What don't you just face the fact that you have to be an idiotic mortal for the rest of your life! Never to rule the universe again!" Brad retorts. Toomin's eyes widen.
"That was just low! You dirty, rotten, son-of-a----"
"You wanna come over here and finish that?!" Brad shouts defiantly. Toomin inches his way up the catwalk.
"Yea!" he accepts and the scaffolding begins to sway in the throes of the conflict.
"This is worse then Marco and Rachel before a mission…" Jake comments with an exasperated sigh.
"Well, maybe if we come up with a plan then they'll have no choice but to fight! Wait a minute…that doesn't sound right…" David scratches his head.
"All right, only you and I have led actively, so let's compare strategies. I like to lead by plans and meticulously calculated moves. All factors are taken into account; personalities, past experiences, what my own capabilities are as well as those of my teammates. So how do you go about it?" Jake asks.
"Uh…move, kill, kill, be friendly, hide, run, scream, scream, scream, almost get killed a bunch of times, oh! and throw in a couple of last minute decisions in there." David says. Jake stares at him.
"How did you even last one second…..?" he says as he shakes his head.
"C'mon Jake, you know that's what all your plans boil down to eventually." Toomin puts in his two cents.
"NYA!" Brad screams as he continues to battle with Toomin.
"I think we better break that up, it looks like it's getting ugly." David suggests. Jake and David inch along towards the fight.
"One, two, three, four I declare a thumb war!" Toomin and Brad move their thumbs about, locked in deadly combat. Brad's thumb does some quick maneuvering and pins down Toomin's thumb.
"AH AH AH!" Toomin struggles in vain to get out from under. Jake begins banging his head against the scaffolding.
"I'm surrounded!" he cries out.
"Well duh!" David says and points below. Jake just smacks his head again.
"Toomin, Brad, cut that out!" Jake orders. Toomin and Brad compose themselves.
"So what bright ideas do you have now oh Fearless Leader???" Toomin sneers.
"Call me that again soldier and I'll knock your punk ass down!" Jake barks out.
"Oohhhh you got told off!" Brad taunts Toomin who is grimacing in anger.
"You too soldier!" Jake yells in Brad's direction.
Man, I've been wanting to talk like that for years! Jake thinks happily to himself.
"Can I be lieutenant?" David asks.
"All right, all of us, just look down and let's observe some details. That could lead us to the appropriate course of action." Jake says and they all look down.
"Lots of scifi, lots of fantasy…." Brad says.
"Oohhhh check out those Mists of Avalon Ladies…" David says.
"Where? Where?" Brad looks around.
"Egyptian High Priestesses……Buffy ….Anne Landers???" Toomin notes with puzzlement.
"The powerpuff girls, Max from Dark Angel, Destiny's Child…" Brad tallies.
"Hey….wait a minute, they're all women!" Jake exclaims.
"Ohhh that's not fair! You know chivalry dictates that we can't fight against women!" David bemoans.
"You're right about that David…there has to be some other way around this…" Jake agonizes.
"Well, maybe if we get down there and shake our boo-teys they'll be so thrilled, they'll faint or something!" Brad advises and the other three stare at him.
"You know, like Austin Powers did with the Fembots?" he adds.
"This is not The Full Monty!" Jake yells.
"*sigh* Maybe we should just surrender. I mean, if you can't beat them, join them right?" Toomin says.
"Yea I suppose…" Jake says, a little down, then he lights up,
"Yea….join'em ! That's exactly what we'll do! Toomin you're a genius!" Jake exclaims.
"Yea I know," Toomin prides over himself and slicks back his quills,
"Uh…but why?" he then asks.
"Well, these are vicious women down there right?"
"Right." the others agree with Jake.
"And they only trust their own right?"
"Right."
"So the best way to undermine their authority would be to pretend we're one of them, right?"
"Right!"
"Then that means we have to be….feminine…" Jake trails. The others open their mouths to say 'right' but then quickly turn them into gapes.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Since when did this turn into Juawanna Mann?" Brad asks.
"Look, I know it's a bit much to ask, but if you wanna get out alive, I think this is the only way!"
"That's re-goddamn-diculous!" Toomin declares.
"Oh shut up Toomin, you're part female anyway." Jake smirks.
"WHAT?! I'm all man!" Toomin thumps his chest.
"That's not what Rachel told me." Jake grins. Toomin inches forward, blushing.
"Exney on the emale stay." He whispers and taps his nose. Jake raises his eyebrows.
"What's he talking about?" David asks. Jake leans backwards and whispers something.
"Wow! You're your own girlfriend!" David exclaims.
"Tehehheheee!" the others titter and giggle. Toomin narrows his eyes.
"If I were Ellimist right now you'd be a lot more woman than you'd like!" he snaps.
"All right, all right, let's address the issue at hand. If we have to be women, then we have to look like women. How do we get cloths with those banshees below us?" Brad points downward.
"Hmmmm….good point Brad-o." Jake says as he thoughtfully rubs his chin. Brad rolls his eyes.
"Hey! I got it! There's this guy called Mercury I know back in Everworld. He could get us the gear in a jiffy!" David snaps his fingers and says.
"Great! Call'em up and tell him to rush his Greek-counterpart butt over here!" Jake orders. David pats himself over, turning out pockets and looking around him.
"I'll be damned! I can't find my phone!" his eyes wander around.
"Ah! There it is!" He reaches across the catwalk and extends his fingers to reach the phone. As they touch, the phone tips and crashes below.
"Whoopsidaisy!" he cries out as all of them watch the phone plummet downwards. Before the phone even hits the ground, the women are all over it, tearing it apart and screaming madly.
"Great, there goes the plan." Brad says.
"I'll be damned if it is Brad-o." Jake turns to him and says. Brad raises an eyebrow.
"Wait! I just pulled a brilliant plan out of thin air!" Toomin holds up a piece of paper.
"We're sticking to the Lady Plan." Jake declares.
"But with this plan, we can defeat the army without any gender-bending whatsoever as well as save the day completely and get a complementary toothbrush in the process!" Toomin exclaims.
" I said, we're sticking with the Lady Plan."
"But ---"
"DID YOU HEAR ME OR ARE YOU DEAF, SOLDIER?!!" Jake bellows.
"Loud and clear…." Toomin sighs and tosses the plan down below.
"Now how to we contact Mercury?" Brad asks.
"Are you questioning me Brad-o?!" Jake demands with a stern look. Before Brad can respond, Jamie Lee Curtis shows up.
"This should help." She says and hands them a new Voicestream cell phone, then disappears.
"Awesome!" Brad exclaims.
"Would you look at that? Internet access and voice message all in the same phone!" David says as he handles the phone.
"Not to mention, free long-distance!" Toomin adds.
"Is that so?" Jake asks and Toomin nods.
"And whenever minutes to use at any time!" Brad raises his finger and says.
"Wow, I have to get me one of these!" Jake takes the phone and looks it over,
"Ooohhh shiiiiiny….." David snatches it and says,
"Time to dial!" David takes the phone and starts to press buttons. He sits there for five minutes dialing it out, then brings it up to his ear.
"Long-distance huh?" Brad says.
"You could say that…." David responds. The phone rings two times before someone picks up.
"Yo Merc! Hey, I have a favor to ask. Can you get me four pairs of women's clothing? Complete with shoes and jewelry?"
"What, does Christopher want to sneak into that She-She bar again?" Mercury sighs wearily.
"Uhhhh….no….I need it in order to fit my friends and I into a crowd of murderous women."
"Well why didn't you say so! We have all sizes and styles! From Joan Clairborne to Chico's to Victoria's Secret to Calvin Klien to Chenel." Mercury lists.
"Really? Do you have any Abercrombie and Fitch by any chance?"
"You bet."
"What do you have in a summer serung and tank top? Oh and some sandals? Not the kind without a backing, because it's hard to run without one and I think we'll be doing a lot of running…" David explains. Brad taps him.
"Do they have any Calvin Klien scent? Preferably 'Obsession'?" he asks. David poses the question.
"Indeed we do, and for $100 each, we can give you a full bikini wax and for an additional $50 we can include a massage and makeover!" Mercury says cheerfully.
"Ohh that sounds good…." Jake comments.
"Well that sounds tempting Merc, but just the cloths would be fine." Brad tugs David's shirt.
"And some perfume…" David adds with a roll of his eyes.
" I want some Gap cloths!" Jake whines. David puts a hand on the speaker piece.
"Jake, you know how outrageous they price their clothing!" he whispers .
" You could call it ridiculous!" Brad adds.
"Re-goddamn-diculous!" Toomin nods eagerly. Jake folds his hands and pouts. David brings the phone back to his ear.
"All right! Be there in five minutes!" Mercury says and David nods, then puts the phone away. They all wait in silence for a few minutes. Jake drums his fingers on the metallic scaffolding while Brad mutters some lyrics,
"I am stuck on Band-Aid brand cuz germs don't stick on me. I am stuck on Band-Aid band cuz germs don't stick on me…" David takes his hands and starts playing with his fingers.
"This is the church…" he folds his hands.
"This is the steeple…." He shows the other guys.
"Open it up and see all the people!" he giggles stupidly. Brad looks at his watch. Toomin scratches himself and flexes his wings. Suddenly…
"Well hello daaaa-lings!" Mercury appears holding a package. He's dressed very fashionably in some khaki slacks and a waist-length coat over a blue turtleneck. He has purple glasses on without the rim and his hair is combed over and gelled. The only thing to suggest he is a god are the wings on his shoes, which causes him to levitate in the air.
"Thanks Merc, I owe you one." David says as he accepts the clothing.
"Oh pa-sure! Anytime Davie," he looks at his watch, " Oh listen I've gotta go. The new shipment of culottes just came in and I need to shelve them. You take care now, Cho!" Mercury zips away as the others sit down to open up the clothing. Jake pulls out a tank top.
"Hehehe…this is gonna be WILD!" he shouts. The four slink off into a dark corner and start trying them on.
Fashion show music comes on as a spotlight focuses on a purple curtain. Suddenly they part and David struts out onto the cat walk. He's wearing a leopard-print dress with a gold purse to match. He has tiger print high heels and wears jade dangling earrings. With some VERY bright red lipstick on he blows a kiss, his wrist jingling with the gold bracelets on it. Some stuffing is coming out the sides of his dress.
"Just call me Daffodil ." He says at his best impersonation of a female.
Next, Brad walks out with a gold sequence tank and a wrap-around flower print. He has a braided/beaded wig and long red fake nails. With a ton of rings on he flashes them around.
"Bling, bling." He says and winks. As he walks out and David circles for another run, he whispers something to him and David, looking embarrassed, stuffs the stray cotton back into his bra. Brad leaves and out comes Toomin, looking very stylish in a ballerina outfit. He even has a cute little tiara on his head. He puts his hands on his hips and then clicks his heels. He spins around and heads back as David goes for yet another round. David poses dramatically and sways his hips. Finally, Jake steps out with a red cheer leader's skirt and a pink shirt that says "Princess" on it. He has a wig of pigtails. He prances out and shakes his stuff, then purses his lips. He walks back to the curtain, passing David who's on his fourth run. Jake goes back and David continues to walk the catwalk. He bends down and pretends to receive flowers and blows kisses. He mouths out a few thank yous. After five minutes of this, Jake kills the fashion music.
"I'm not a girl! Not yet a woman…" David sings passionately.
WHACK!
Jake hits him upside the head.
"Knock that off we have stuff to do!" he yells.
"Sorry Jake."
"It's Jakeyella now." he says with stern, painted lips and way too much blush. Jake turns to all of them.
"SOUND OFF!" he barks. He points to David.
"Daffodil." Then he points to Brad.
"Bradine." He says. Jake points to Toomin who apparently went crazy with the eyeliner as it is drawn all around his eyes in doodles of airplanes and flowers and unicorns.
"Toomin." He says. Jake gets in his face.
"That's not feminine enough!" he says angrily.
"It's a gender neutral name back on Ket! Both girls and boys can have it. I mean, how many of them will know the difference?" Toomin argues.
"Fits you perfectly then doesn't it Toomin?" David says and the others all giggle. Toomin looks down, his manhood offended.
"All right men, I mean women. Let's go do some serious undermining!" Jake declares.
"Oh you know it sweetheart!" David throws his hand daintily and says. All of the cross-dressers walk to the ladder and begin to climb down.
Air Wolf sits on a throne as two men fan her with giant banana leaves.
"Aren't those men dead yet??!" she shrieks and sends the two men beside her tumbling down the golden steps. The Powerpuff girls land daintily.
"I'm afraid not your Highness, they seem to have disappeared." Bubbles says in her high, innocent voice.
"No one disappears on us! We find them and then clobber'em!" Buttercup does a vicious karate chop.
"Do what she says!" Air Wolf points to Buttercup. Blossom shrugs and the three of them soar off.
Blossom heads the trio as they soar throughout the studio. They approach three sets. Blossom stops them all.
"Wait! I think we can cover more ground if we all split up. Buttercup, go to the left, I'll take the center and Bubbles you go right."
"Right!" Buttercup acknowledges.
"No, I'm going right!" Bubbles says.
"I meant yes, not right!" Buttercup changes her phrasing.
"So I'm going left?" Bubbles asks.
"No, I am going left." Buttercup corrects. Bubbles looks to Blossom.
"Buttercup is right." she says then realizes her mistake.
"But I thought I was going right!" Bubbles exclaims. Buttercup smacks her head.
"Okay, let's go over this again. I go forward, Buttercup goes to my left and you go to my right." Bubbles still looks at Blossom confused. Blossom sighs in exasperation,
"All right, I'll start again. I go forward, Buttercup is gonna go in that direction and you---" Buttercup interrupts Blossom's directions as she picks Bubbles up and hurls her in the right direction.
"Thanks Buttercup." Blossom says. Buttercup nods and zooms left as Blossom goes forward.
The four guys sneak along a wall side, Jake leading. He then stops.
"Abou face!" he cries out and the guys all stop and roll their eyes.
"Someone else needs to go ahead." He announces.
"Why Jake, I mean, Jakeyella?" Brad asks.
"Because, as leader, if I go in front, then I could be killed and you all would be leaderless." Jake explains.
"But I would become leader!" David pipes up. Toomin, Jake and Brad stare.
"You see what I mean." Jake says.
"Like crystal." Brad takes Toomin and shoves him ahead.
"Hey!" Toomin cries out, then turns to Jake,
"Jaaaake, he pushed me!" he whines and points at Brad.
"Now, now, no one likes a tattle-tale. Be a good girl and lead!" Jake says. Toomin groans, but goes ahead anyway. They resume walking and as they do, Toomin hears the other guys laughing behind him. He hangs his head as he listens to Jake stifle a snicker. He can hear Brad whisper a imitation and the others barely contained guffaws. Toomin begins walking faster to leave them behind. He then stops and listens. The others are silent. He turns around hopeful. Brad looks to David looks to Jake, all with apathetic faces. David twitches and Jake coughs. Brad fidgets and his face contorts. David purses his lips and a giant grin spreads on Jake's face. Finally,
"TOOMIN IS A GIRLY GIRL!!!!!" Brad shouts. David and Jake collapse to the floor in humorous rapture. Jake beats the floor madly with his fists and David rolls around, holding his stomach. Toomin frowns and clenches his fists. Then he simply takes to the air and leaves the others behind.
"I hate my life…." he sighs and zips along.
"If only I could meet someone who appreciated me." he continues. Suddenly,
BAM!
"Ahhh!"
"Yipes!"
Toomin and Bubbles collide.
"Ahhhh!" Bubbles cries out as she falls.
*gasp*! Toomin flies after her. Before she hits the ground far below, Toomin manages to rescue her.
"Huh?" Bubbles notices that she hasn't become a smear on the concrete. Toomin sets her down.
"Thank you so much!" Bubbles hugs Toomin.
"You're welcome." Toomin says somewhat stunned.
"You're such a wonderful person for saving me!" Bubbles continues, hugging even tighter. Then she pulls away.
"How can I ever repay you?" she asks. Toomin darts his eyes.
"You're welcome. I have to go now." He prepares to fly away.
"Where are you going? Do you have other friends you need to go back to?" Bubbles asks. Toomin opens his mouth to explain but then stops to think. He remembers all the ridicule, taunting and general meanness. Not just from Jake and the others, but throughout the whole show:
"I have to go refresh my mortal system. These bodies need upkeep you know…" Toomin starts to get up.
"You stay Toomin. We need four players!" Drew calls.
"You're not the boss of me!" Toomin rages. Greg takes him and throws him back down into the chair where he slumps and stews in anger.
* *
Gem glowers at Toomin and raises the vial in her hand.
"Nooooooooooooooo!!!" Toomin yells. Gem raises her hand and then stops.
"Oh wait a minute." She pulls out a device and clicks a button called 'slow mo'. Toomin nods.
"Noooooooooooo!!" he yells in a lower voice, as Gem raises her hand up and slams the vial downward. Toomin dives as the vial tumbles in the air.
"Ahahahahahahahaaa…." Gem laughs evilly in a low voice. Toomin, still diving, reaches for the vial.
SMASH!! The twinkling of broken glass as the vial breaks into a thousand pieces. Gem clicks the device again, bringing them back to normal motion.
"NOOOO!!! My immortality!!!!" he weeps over the spilt mojo.
* *
"That's re-goddamn-diculous!" Toomin declares.
"Oh shut up Toomin, you're part female anyway." Jake smirks.
"WHAT?! I'm all man!" Toomin thumps his chest.
"That's not what Rachel told me." Jake grins. Toomin inches forward, blushing.
"Exney on the emale stay." He whispers and taps his nose. Jake raises his eyebrows.
"What's he talking about?" David asks. Jake leans backwards and whispers something.
"Wow! You're your own girlfriend!" David exclaims.
"Tehehheheee!" the others titter and giggle. Toomin narrows his eyes.
* *
Toomin turns around.
"Actually I don't have to go anywhere." He says to Bubbles.
"Great! My name is Bubbles!" she introduces herself.
"I'm Toomin." He introduces himself.
"That's a pretty name! And I like your outfit. Are those unicorns on your face?" she points out.
"Ummm…." Toomin trails.
"Because I like them." Toomin smiles,
"Do you wanna go do something?"
"Well, actually I do have to be somewhere…." Bubbles digs her foot
into the ground and says in a lower voice.
"Oh?" Toomin asks. Then Bubbles stops and thinks. She remembers Blossom's patronizing talk and how Buttercup threw her.
"You know what, I don't have to be anywhere after all. Wanna go flying?" Toomin nods and the two new friends fly away.
Meanwhile with our guys….
"Hey does anyone know where Toomin went off to?" Jakeyella asks.
"To the powder room?" Brad suggests and David cracks up.
"I'm serious! He's supposed to be guarding us!" Jake cries out.
"Oh here he is!" David points to the sky as a green streak zips toward them.
"Since when did Toomin get that green dress?" Jake asks and before anyone can respond, Buttercup is on him and pummeling him.
"Toomin knock it off!" David tries to pull her off.
"That's not Toomin!" Brad exclaims.
"Darn right! I'm Buttercup!" She says and points to herself.
"From the PowderPuff girls???" Jake says in a daze.
"That's PowerPuff!!!!" Buttercup deals him a nasty uppercut.
"Hey! We're um, women! We're on your side!" David steps in.
"Yea, beat us up and you're beating up your own!" Brad joins in with his high-pitched voice.
"Well, apparently you haven't heard of cat fights." Buttercup says.
"Oh yea, I forgot about those…." Jake says as he sits up, little birdies dancing around his head coupled with stars.
"Besides…." Buttercup says and flies up,
"I see Paris, I see France, I see all your underpants!" she says and puts her X-ray vision on.
"Good! Cuz I just got the new line of Joe Boxer pants. How do they look?" Jake shows himself off.
"Ewww! Icky Icky Boys! I'm gonna clobber you!" Buttercup raises a threatening fist.
"It's three against one, you're not gonna win!" Brad says triumphantly.
"Who says I'm alone?" Buttercup lands and pulls something out of her pocket. The guys start to tremble and pull back. Then…
"Wait a minute, that's just Pichachu!" David points out. Sure enough, the cuddly, little yellow Pokemon character sits contentedly on the floor.
"Hah! You and your cutsy wutsy characters. He's as harmless as Vin Diesel!" Jake chortles. Buttercup smiles. Suddenly,
"GROWOWERRRRR!" The Pichachu roars and leaps on them.
"Ahhhhh!" They all scream in unison. First it bites Brad, ripping on his collar bone.
"AHHHHH!" Brad shrieks.
"Back you wretched beast!" David picks up a baseball bat from a nearby prop set and prepares to hit the Pichachu went it dislodges from Brad and goes after him,
"Arrrrgghhh!" The carnivorous Pichachu [ brought to you courtesy of Super Hurricane] bites his head. Then the Pichachu jumps to Jake and the three are caught in utter pandemonium with the deadly little critter [ a la Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail]. Buttercup nonchalantly pulls out her favorite net and whistles as she throws it over the guys who are still trying to fend off the murderous Pokemon. As the net falls on them we can hear the snarls of the yellow monster blending with the horrified cries of the boys into one, awful melody.
With Bubbles and Toomin….
"Girls just wanna have fun! Oooo girls, just wanna have f-un!" Bubbles and Toomin sing as they fly in the midst of fluffy pink clouds and singing birds. They swirl in spirals, Bubbles leaving an electric blue trail.
"Heheee!" Bubbles takes a cloud and makes a 50s style hairdo for Toomin. Toomin takes a cloud and gives Bubbles a mustache. They collapse into a fit of giggles and zoom off. Toomin, with a light heart starts singing,
"Some-body once told me the world was gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed…." Bubbles giggles excitedly.
"She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her fore-head…" Bubbles picks up the song. Then the two take each others hands and zoom downward, singing the next verse together.
"Well, the years start coming and they don't stop comin'." The two leave the clouds.
" Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun" Toomin and Bubbles start crisscrossing in the air.
" Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb." They tap their heads and then soar over the city outside of the studio.
" So much to do, so much to see…" they go past the zoo, a park, an ice-cream parlor, with people staring at them.
"So what's wrong with taking the back street? You'll never know if you don't go." They bank right and shoot upwards.
" You'll never shine if you don't glow." Then they enter a rock concert.
"What the f---" a person starts to say as the two come in.
"Hey now! You're an all-star! Get your game on, go play!" They wave their hands with the rest of the wide-eyed crowd.
"Hey now! You're a rock-star! Get the show on, get paid." They dance onstage with the bewildered rock group.
"All that shimmers is gold! Only shooting stars, break the mooold…." Then the two take off.
"It's a cold place and they say it gets colder." They sing from Alaska. Some ice climbers fall off their grips as the two zoom by.
"Ahhhh!"
"You're bundled up now wait till you get older, but the meteor men beg to differ…." They go to an observatory where the computers are going wild.
"Judging by the hole in the satellite picture." They hold up a satellite picture and point [this is going somewhere I swear!]
"The ice we skate is getting pretty thin…." They skate on an indoor rink, pretending to be Russian Olympic winners and hitting people as they pass.
"The water's getting warm so you might as well swim!" They play in a kiddie pool.
"My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?" they stand by a campfire.
"AHHHHH!" the campers scream.
"That's the way I like it and I never get bored!" They take off and head south.
"Hey now, you're an all star, get your game on, go play." They fly by farms and fairs where people lift their binoculars to observe the bizarre phenomenon.
"Hey now, you're a rock-star, get the show on get paid." They fly over a sign that says 'Welcome to Texas!'.
"All that shimmers is gold…" They fly over some property. The computers inside start going haywire.
'Locating foreign ships. Calculating….' The computer announces in a monotone voice.. A bodyguard reads them off.
"Looks like it's those damn Iraqis again."
"Thought they'd kill Bush while he's in his glamorous ranch house! Fire the defense system up boys!" The lead guard says. The lawn outside starts shaking.
"Only shooting stars, break the---wumph!"
BAM!
Bubbles and Toomin run into a giant brick wall that has popped up.
"Ugh…mold….." they groan as they slip down the wall.
Meanwhile, with the guys….
Blossom touches ground and inspects Buttercup's work.
"Great job Buttercup!" she gives her the thumbs up,
"But where is Bubbles???" she looks around.
"Oh she'll be back soon I bet. Probably found some puppy-dog show to distract her. Lets take these losers back to our boss." Buttercup says. Blossom nods and grabs one end of the net while Buttercup grabs the other. They fly off with the bruised and battered guys.
"Toomin is our only hope!" Jake exclaims.
"We're doomed!" Brad declares and the three guys break down into tears.
The group arrives at Air Wolf's base, the royal court where dozens of women are gathered.
"You! Eat this cupcake in a sensual manner!" Air Wolf commands of an office employee who has been brought trembling before her.
"But I don't know how to your highness! Please! I have nothing to do with this fanfic war!" he pleads.
"DO IT!" She screams. The Amazonian guards knock him on the head and a cupcake is presented. The man shakes and quivers as he starts to lick the frosting.
"EEEEEEEEE!" The women in the court shriek with delight.
"Uh, your highness?" Blossom taps her.
"What?!" she snaps.
"We brought the jerks back." She thumbs to the squirming net.
"Ahh excellent!" she claps and goes up to the nets.
"Men are such predictable idiots." She chortles.
"This lipstick feminism is getting tiresome…." Jake says from the net. Air Wolf kicks him.
"Shut up man-creature!" Then she peers closer and starts to count.
"1, 2, 3…." She stops.
"THREE! There should be four!!!" She shouts.
"We'll go find him!" Buttercup immediately steps up.
"Good, get on it!" Blossom and Buttercup take off once more. Air Wolf goes back to the man who has cupcake frosting all over his face.
"Eat this baklava in a sensual manner." Air Wolf holds up a plate.
"But---" the man starts to argue.
"DO IT!" The man takes the plate as the women raise a joyful uproar again.
"EEEEEEEEE!"
With Toomin and Bubbles….
"Who sent you?!"
"What are your plans?!"
"How did you come here?!"
"What's the capital of Iceland?!" The bodyguards hurl their inquires to Bubbles and Toomin who are tied in a chair.
"Please! We're not here to hurt the prezeedent! We were just singing!" Bubbles cries.
"I do know the capital question though! It's Reykjavick." Toomin pipes up.
"Ahh a smart guy huh?" a bodyguard taunts.
"I used to rule the universe so yea, I'm pretty damn smart." Toomin says. A bodyguard socks him in the stomach.
"Tell us what your connection to Saddam is!" one of them yells.
"There is none!" Bubbles cries out.
"It's funny , that Saddam Huessain. They should call him 'So damn insane!'" Toomin laughs only to be punched again. At that point Blossom and Buttercup fly in.
"Reinforcements!" one of the guards cries out. Blossom and Buttercup each pick a guard up and hurl him outdoors. They take out the rest with a combo of kicks and fist moves.
"Bubbles what are you doing at President Bush's Glamorous Ranch Estate in the great state of Texas?" Blossom asks as Buttercup uses her fire vision to burn the ropes off.
"And who is this girl?" Buttercup points to Toomin.
"That's my friend Toomin! We were just flying and singing Smashmouth---"
"When we got a whole new meaning of the name if you know what I mean." Toomin rubs his aching jaw.
"Well, we have been searching for the past half hour for this last cursed rebel. We can't find him so lets all just go back and they can send a second group out." Blossom reasons. Bubbles nods and the four take off.
The group touches down once more in the court of the fanfic author.
"GO, GO, GO, GO!" The women cheer as the man from the past court scenes runs around inside a large hamster wheel. Many of the girls are holding money in their fists and rooting in a loud, obnoxious manner.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" they shriek as the man falls down and is tossed by the momentum of the cycle.
"We return again you highness." Blossom announces. Air Wolf doesn't take notice as she is rummaging in a box full of silly costumes. The soundtrack for The Scarlet Pimpernel likes on the ground beside her.
"That's why the Lord created man…" she sings as she inspects a big pink feather and sticks it in a hat.
"Uh, your highness? Great Emperorship…" Blossom starts again.
"High and Might One…" Buttercup trails.
"O Majestic Queen…" Bubbles tries.
"Glorious Goddess of the High Order…" Blossom makes up.
"Ooo I like that one." Air Wolf finally acknowledges them.
"We couldn't find the last rebel." Buttercup informs with some regret.
"But we tried our very best!" Bubbles adds quickly. Air Wolf frowns.
"Hmmmmm….I don't like the thought of some rebel scheming out there, sneaking, plotting my overthrow….but somehow the thought of seeing a live performance of the my favorite play puts that worry to ease." She takes the trunk and walks away snickering.
She comes to the guys and drops the trunk in front of our three, would-be, cross-dressing heroes. They make a resounding gulp.
"Toomin! Don't you wanna see the play?" Bubbles grabs Toomin's arm and starts to tug him along. Toomin shrugs.
"Okay, what play?" He asks as he follows Bubbles. They enter a make-shift theater and take their seats next to Blossom and Buttercup. Air Wolf sits in a special box overseeing the theater. The red curtain goes up and there we see David, Jake, Brad and the guy from the hamster wheel all dressed up in ridiculously fancy, colorful attire. The music comes on and they begin to sing,
David: " Peacocks!"
Jake: "Sink me!"
Brad: "Think ye, sir"
Man: "How the feathered males"
Brad: "Love to flaunt those tails!"
Jake: "Stallions!"
David: "Zounds sir!"
Man: "Hounds sir! Stags!"
Brad: "Of the goosie and the gander, sir"
Jake: "Which gender is the grander, sir"
David: "To render the total candor, sir"
Man: "The splendor is the male's!"
Jake: "But someone has to strike a pose!"
David: "And bear the weight!"
Brad: "Of well-tailored cloths!"
All: "And that is why the Lord created men!"
"The Scarlet Pimpernel?" Toomin raises and eyebrow.
"Shhhhhhhhh!" Buttercup shushes him.
Man: "Be an example of your sex!"
Jake: "Give your boot a dapper strap!"
David: "And it's smarter if your garter"
Brad: "Has some snap!"
David: "Cravats should be flounced"
Man: "About our necks"
Jake: "Thought I do not mean to scrap!"
Brad: "Every eunuch knows his tunic"
Man: "Has to flap!"
Jake: "Now to strike the shirt"
David: "And pike the skirt"
Brad : "Embroider those lapels!"
Man: "Be the king of the beasts in pastels!"
Brad: "But someone has to strike a pose"
Jake: "And bear the weight of well-tailored cloths"
Man: "Each species needs a sex that's fated"
David: "To be highly decorated!"
All: "AND THAT IS WHY THE LORD CREATED MEEEEEEEEN!!!!"
The four finish singing as the women erupt into applause, whistling and some jeering.
"Bravo, bravo!" Air Wolf claps.
"Hehehehee! That was cute!" Bubbles giggles. The four guys have a look of degraded pride on their faces, when Brad suddenly spots Toomin. He nudges Jake and David and they follow his gaze. Toomin smiles and approaches the stage. The three guys look overjoyed and hopeful as Toomin walks right up to them. Toomin opens his mouth and they all hold their breath,
"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!" Toomin laughs heartily at them. Bubbles takes his hand and he leaves with her.
"Awwww…if only we hadn't teased him!" Jake says ruefully.
"Why do we guys have to be so immature?" Brad bemoans. They all look to David who is still following Toomin with his eyes.
"I think he has a plan to save us!" David says cheerily. Jake takes his prop, a cane, and whacks David on the head, knocking his fancy hat off.
Bubbles and Toomin continue to laugh as they walk along.
"So where are we going now?" Toomin asks as he wipes away a tear from his eye. Bubbles gets an almost devilish gleam in her eye.
"We're going to---" Bubbles pushes open a door.
"DRINK!" she shouts. Toomin gazes at the multitude of woman clinking drinks and passing around sodas. Toomin gets a cherry coke.
"OOOOOOhhhh I thought you meant, get drunk." He says and takes a sip.
"No silly! Why would we do something irresponsible like that?" Bubbles giggles.
"Yea I mean it's just soda." Blossom slurps her Sprite.
"All we're gonna do is have a Belching Contest!" Buttercup shouts.
"Yeaaaaa!" All the women cheer.
"Belching Contest???? Isn't that a little…..manly?" Toomin says, uneasy.
"Manly? Yea, those guys think they can belch, but as everyone knows, women are superior to men in belching!" Blossom says.
"So let's start out!" Buttercup takes a sip of Pepsi and unleashes a mighty belch. Judges give her a 7, 8, and a 5.6.
"My turn!" Blossom drinks and belches, earning a 7.8, a 9, and a 8. Bubbles goes next, burping loudly and getting a 9, 9, and a 7.5.
"What? A 7.5?!" she shouts.
"It didn't last long enough!" the judge shouts back. Bubbles sighs and turns to Toomin.
"Okay Toomin, your turn!" All eyes focus on Toomin, trembling and holding his Cherry Coke. He rubs the back of his neck, then takes a sip. He draws in a deep breath and….
*burp*
Everyone continues to stare.
"No, no, no, wait, wait, that was just a warm-up…." Toomin goes to take another sip, but then Air Wolf yanks his coke away.
"MAAAAAAAAAN-CREAAAAAAATUUUUURE!!!" she bellows. All the females gasp.
"No! I'm as feminine as can be!" Toomin begs.
"Any REAL woman would be able to belch properly!" Air Wolf declares. Blossom pulls off Toomin's costume.
"*gasp* He IS a guy!"
"How the hell can you tell? I'm an alien!" says Toomin.
"Toomin, you're a guy?" Bubbles says, emotional.
"Ohhh Bubbles, I'm sorry I lied to you….it was all apart of this crackpot scheme Jake thought up!" Toomin points to Jake and the others who are swinging from cages bolts to the ceiling.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time…." Jake defends.
"Nevermind that, this he-man must be dealt with! In the greatest extreme!" Air Wolf grinds a fist into her palm. All the women gather around, with vicious looks in their eyes.
"WAIT!" Bubbles jumps in front of Toomin.
"Get out of the way Bubbles!" Buttercup shouts.
"He's a dirty, icky boy who lied to you!" Blossom adds.
"Actually it's not like I ever asked him 'Are you a girl?' and he said 'Yes', he was just dressed as a girl and I assumed…."
"Wait a moment, with your X-ray vision, couldn't you tell he was a guy?" Air Wolf asks.
"Well for the first few minutes I assumed, then yea, I did figure it out…."says Bubbles. Toomin blushes crimson at the thought.
"Then why didn't you turn him in?" Blossom asks.
"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!" Everyone goes silent, except for the sound of crickets.
"That's the oldest excuse in the book!" Air Wolf derides.
"Really I do!" Bubbles goes up to Toomin, "I really do like you Toomin, you're fun and nice and compassionate!"
"Awwww shucks Bubbles! I love you too!" The two embrace each other and kiss.
"Awwww…." The guys in the cage say.
"Ewwwwwww…." All the women are like.
In the midst of the kiss, Toomin is charged with a white glow.
"What the…..?" he looks himself over.
"*Gasp* Toomin what's happening?" Bubbles says, in awe.
"I think I'm getting some of my Ellimist powers back!" Toomin starts to levitate and glow even brighter.
"Awww the power of true love!" The man in the cage swoons.
"Shut up you!" A woman rattles his cage.
"Oh no you don't!" Air Wolf moves to pull out a weapon but Toomin shoots a beam of light at her.
"AHHHHHH!" Air Wolf becomes frozen in a block of ice.
"HAHA!" The guys point and laugh.
"GRRRRRRR!" All the women charge Toomin, but stop in their tracks. Toomin gives them something.
"EEEEEEEEE!" They squeal with delight and charge off the set, leaving just Bubbles, a frozen Air Wolf, Toomin, and the guys in the cages. Toomin floats up and knocks the locks off, freeing the guys. He floats back down and the glow fades.
"Wow thanks a bunch Toomin!" Jake shakes his hand vigorously.
"But what the heck did you give them to make them run away like that?" Brad asks.
"Oh, a coupon for a free foot massage at Este Lauder Spa."
"EEEEEEEE!" Bubbles jumps up and flies off to catch up with the other women.
"Bubbles!" Toomin cries after her.
"Oh well, you'll see her at the finale I guess." The man puts a hand on his shoulder.
"Who are you anyway?" Brad turns to the man.
"Why I'm Dan Patterson!"
"The producer of Whoseline?" Jake asks.
"Oh yea." Dan Patterson answers.
"So let's get on with that finale then shall we?" Dan Patterson ushers the way.
"Yup, only one chapter left!" David says happily and they all walk off.
*************************************************************
Note: I did take that Saddam joke from The Simpsons, so just to let you know and so I don't get sued.
I don't own any of the lyrics I used in this piece.