A/N: This is supposed to be funny! OKAY? I know, I know Snape is really
ooc, but for the sake of humor.
Disclaimer: I AM REALLY SORRY J.K. ROWLING! I screwed up your brilliance.
Severus sat in a large armchair by the crackling fire. He was gingerly
handling a small bowl of some soup. Chicken Noodle. A man sat beside him on
an ottoman. He had a red shirt on with the label "Campbell's" emboired
proudly on the breast pocket. He shoulders stooped as he heaved out a sob.
"If I don't get this soup in cans, I'LL BE OUT OF A JOB!" he cried
hysterically. Snape looked down his hooked nose at the oily soup in front
of him. He gingerly lifted it to his lips and took a small sip. The
Campbell's man watched for his reaction eagerly. Snape looked blank for a
moment and then sat the soup bowl down next to him wit the utmost
care."Mmm.Mmm..Good." Snape murmured. The Campbell's soup man, Fred,
silently blessed Snape. Severus, the potions master at Hogwarts School of
Witchcraft and Wizardry, stood up slowly. "This.is.THE GREATEST SOUP I HAVE
EVER TASTED!" he yelled. Immediately, Fred jumped up and did a jig with
Snape. "AHHHHHHHH!!! I COULD KISS YOU!" He cried out gleefully. "But, I'm
not going to."he added. Snape looked excited, then let down. "Right."He
said. Suddenly a girl appeared, trying to detangle a wand from her hair.
She looked around, perplexed. "Campbell's soup?"She asked curiously.
***A YEAR BEFORE*** Ellie was sitting on her roof, as usual, in a lounge chair. "OHHHHHHHH! HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGIE HOGGIE HOGWARTS! TEACH US SOMETHING, PLEASSSSEEEEEEE!" came a loud voice behind her. Ellie covered her pericous blonde locks with her hands, cowering into her loungechair. She shrieked and almost tumbled off the roof, but somehow froze at the gutter. Someone pointed a strange looking stick at her. Ellie looked relived. "GOD-LEE!"A little more daring than golly, in her opinion. "I thought you were a BIRD!" The stick holder raised an eyebrow. "A b." Ellie cut her off and said in one long sentence. "You see I am very afraid of birds cause once I was just sitting there minding my own business and my step sister's annoying and might I add ugly bird came flying towards me and flew all in my hair." She stopped to take a breath. "MY HAIR! And haven't you ever seen the movie The Birds?" She shuttered. "CREEPY!" Then, realizing this person was pointing a stick at her and wearing a pointy hat, she cried out, "YOU'RE POINTING A FUNKY LOOKING STICK AT ME AND WEARING A POINT HAT! AND" She glanced suspiciously at the old broom beside the woman. "HOLDING A BROOM!" She pointed an accusing finger at the woman. "I'm a witch. And this." The woman gestured to the stick. "Is my wand." Ellie tilted her head and frowned computing this all. "Witch? Wand?" She muttered. "Odd." She felt her body being rised into the air and resting in a sitting position in her lounge chair. "Maybe you should sit down." Said the witch. Then she slapped her forehead. "OH! And I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Desdemona." "That means to kill!" Ellie said. Then nodded, adding, "My name is Ellie." She looked uncomfortable sitting in the plastic chair, her brow drawn down in concentration. Desdemona looked up and crossed her arms. "Do you think you could speed this up, and cut it with all the descriptions." You're supposed to be pretending I'm not here! "Well, it's a little hard when you narrating behind my shoulder!" Desdemona, accused, RUDELY. "That was not rude!" Yes it was! "It is a little rude. But true." Ellie said, twisting around in her chair to face us. Fine, then, sorry let's keep going. "Ellie, everyone treats you like an angel." Dest whispered in an undertone, she obviously thinks I can't hear. She cast a nervous glance back at me. Ellie drew her pretty little self up indignantly. "Do not." She smiled fondly at me. "Do you really think I am pretty?" Desdemona slapped her forehead. Okay, okay, narrating. Ellie took this all in. "So, you're a witch. And you're standing on my roof. What do you need from me?" Desdemona sighed. "Well, ya see, you are a witch too." Ellie raised an eyebrow. "And you are going to Hogwarts.." Dest trailed off, when Elli looked confused. "It's a school for witches and wizards. But you are supposed to go when you're eleven. Ellie's face registered happiness at understanding something. "And I'm fourteen!" She cried. "Right. Anyway, we could never quite figure out where you lived, so we kept trying to get to you. And I have been concocting the perfect spell for it, only it is a little spontaneous to when it works. That's why I was singing and I have my broom. I was just about to go for a fly when the spell finally worked! But since you know absolutely nothing about Hogwarts, I leave you with these." She pulled out a satchel filled with an assortment of books, spells books, quidditch books, and all the Harry Potter books, and the first and second movies. "And me, I am going to be your tutur for the next year. This is one of the reasons your parents have been on that four month vacation, that will last well pretty much forever, since they would never let you go. And I am guessing this is why your house is in such a sucleuded area." A tumbleweed tumbled in the background. "I only get a year since Dumbeldore, the headmaster, tells me you re so smart. But I am beginning to doubt him." She looked at Ellie. Ellie stuck out her tongue. "And one more thing, when you do finally get to Hogwarts, it is going to be in the same spontaneous way." She clapped her hands. "Right. Now, let's begin."
***BACK TO SNAPE'S..UH.THINGY*** Ellie smiled happily. "Your Snape!" she said pointing to Snape. "Wow! You are ugly!" She said. She tried again to pull the wand out of her hair. It was a wand Ellie had had since she was a child, which Desdamona bewitched. It was rather unusual. Ellie's clear shocking blue eyes squinted in pain as she tried again to pull the wand from her tangled hair. It was a clear stick, with a pink heart made from sequins, surrounded by pink feathers, which tended to shed, but grew back. Ellie spun in a circle and finally wenched the wand from her curly honey blonde hair. In a telepathic message, she asked,"Does my hair look okay Mr. Narrator." Yes, it's fine. Feathers flooded the room, scattering pink in Snape's hair. He snapped out of his daze and said, "You gotta try this soup." He picked up the bowl of soup and passed it to Ellie. "Uh, I called you ugly." Ellie said. "Hey!" Snape yelled. "Points off for whatever house you're in!" "Gryffindor!" Ellie said, then snapped her fingers "GOD-LEE! I talk to much." "Ten points off!" Snape added. "I just got my hair done!" Ellie frowned, and looked down into the soup in her hands. "She took a large spoonful and smacked her lips. "GOOD SOUP!" She said. Fred grinned. "Thanks!" he said. Then Snape shoved Ellie out the door. "Run along now, and you never saw this!"
***A YEAR BEFORE*** Ellie was sitting on her roof, as usual, in a lounge chair. "OHHHHHHHH! HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGIE HOGGIE HOGWARTS! TEACH US SOMETHING, PLEASSSSEEEEEEE!" came a loud voice behind her. Ellie covered her pericous blonde locks with her hands, cowering into her loungechair. She shrieked and almost tumbled off the roof, but somehow froze at the gutter. Someone pointed a strange looking stick at her. Ellie looked relived. "GOD-LEE!"A little more daring than golly, in her opinion. "I thought you were a BIRD!" The stick holder raised an eyebrow. "A b." Ellie cut her off and said in one long sentence. "You see I am very afraid of birds cause once I was just sitting there minding my own business and my step sister's annoying and might I add ugly bird came flying towards me and flew all in my hair." She stopped to take a breath. "MY HAIR! And haven't you ever seen the movie The Birds?" She shuttered. "CREEPY!" Then, realizing this person was pointing a stick at her and wearing a pointy hat, she cried out, "YOU'RE POINTING A FUNKY LOOKING STICK AT ME AND WEARING A POINT HAT! AND" She glanced suspiciously at the old broom beside the woman. "HOLDING A BROOM!" She pointed an accusing finger at the woman. "I'm a witch. And this." The woman gestured to the stick. "Is my wand." Ellie tilted her head and frowned computing this all. "Witch? Wand?" She muttered. "Odd." She felt her body being rised into the air and resting in a sitting position in her lounge chair. "Maybe you should sit down." Said the witch. Then she slapped her forehead. "OH! And I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Desdemona." "That means to kill!" Ellie said. Then nodded, adding, "My name is Ellie." She looked uncomfortable sitting in the plastic chair, her brow drawn down in concentration. Desdemona looked up and crossed her arms. "Do you think you could speed this up, and cut it with all the descriptions." You're supposed to be pretending I'm not here! "Well, it's a little hard when you narrating behind my shoulder!" Desdemona, accused, RUDELY. "That was not rude!" Yes it was! "It is a little rude. But true." Ellie said, twisting around in her chair to face us. Fine, then, sorry let's keep going. "Ellie, everyone treats you like an angel." Dest whispered in an undertone, she obviously thinks I can't hear. She cast a nervous glance back at me. Ellie drew her pretty little self up indignantly. "Do not." She smiled fondly at me. "Do you really think I am pretty?" Desdemona slapped her forehead. Okay, okay, narrating. Ellie took this all in. "So, you're a witch. And you're standing on my roof. What do you need from me?" Desdemona sighed. "Well, ya see, you are a witch too." Ellie raised an eyebrow. "And you are going to Hogwarts.." Dest trailed off, when Elli looked confused. "It's a school for witches and wizards. But you are supposed to go when you're eleven. Ellie's face registered happiness at understanding something. "And I'm fourteen!" She cried. "Right. Anyway, we could never quite figure out where you lived, so we kept trying to get to you. And I have been concocting the perfect spell for it, only it is a little spontaneous to when it works. That's why I was singing and I have my broom. I was just about to go for a fly when the spell finally worked! But since you know absolutely nothing about Hogwarts, I leave you with these." She pulled out a satchel filled with an assortment of books, spells books, quidditch books, and all the Harry Potter books, and the first and second movies. "And me, I am going to be your tutur for the next year. This is one of the reasons your parents have been on that four month vacation, that will last well pretty much forever, since they would never let you go. And I am guessing this is why your house is in such a sucleuded area." A tumbleweed tumbled in the background. "I only get a year since Dumbeldore, the headmaster, tells me you re so smart. But I am beginning to doubt him." She looked at Ellie. Ellie stuck out her tongue. "And one more thing, when you do finally get to Hogwarts, it is going to be in the same spontaneous way." She clapped her hands. "Right. Now, let's begin."
***BACK TO SNAPE'S..UH.THINGY*** Ellie smiled happily. "Your Snape!" she said pointing to Snape. "Wow! You are ugly!" She said. She tried again to pull the wand out of her hair. It was a wand Ellie had had since she was a child, which Desdamona bewitched. It was rather unusual. Ellie's clear shocking blue eyes squinted in pain as she tried again to pull the wand from her tangled hair. It was a clear stick, with a pink heart made from sequins, surrounded by pink feathers, which tended to shed, but grew back. Ellie spun in a circle and finally wenched the wand from her curly honey blonde hair. In a telepathic message, she asked,"Does my hair look okay Mr. Narrator." Yes, it's fine. Feathers flooded the room, scattering pink in Snape's hair. He snapped out of his daze and said, "You gotta try this soup." He picked up the bowl of soup and passed it to Ellie. "Uh, I called you ugly." Ellie said. "Hey!" Snape yelled. "Points off for whatever house you're in!" "Gryffindor!" Ellie said, then snapped her fingers "GOD-LEE! I talk to much." "Ten points off!" Snape added. "I just got my hair done!" Ellie frowned, and looked down into the soup in her hands. "She took a large spoonful and smacked her lips. "GOOD SOUP!" She said. Fred grinned. "Thanks!" he said. Then Snape shoved Ellie out the door. "Run along now, and you never saw this!"