Jocasta Revisited By D. M. Evans Feedback - geekgirzrus@yahoo.com Rating - R Pairing - Cordy/Connor Spoilers - Up to Slouching Toward Bethlehem Summery - Cordelia, feeling lost and alone, finds solace in a younger man

CHAPTER SIX

Angel looked up, hearing the front door opening. He sat on the floor next to a trashcan still smoldering and stinking of poorly burned photographs. His bloodshot eyes regarded Gunn cautiously. Angel couldn't qualify what he was feeling but it was akin to the heart stopping terror he had experience once or twice as a mortal man.

"Is he going to be all right?" Angel couldn't believe how badly his voice shook.

Gunn tossed himself onto the couch. "He'll live."

"I didn't mean to throw him that hard."

"But you did and nothing's gonna change that," Gunn said, then his face lost some of its edge. "He provoked it, Angel. We all know that."

Angel wagged his head. He didn't want forgiveness, at least not yet. "Still, I know better. How bad did I hurt him?"

"Bad enough." Gunn scrubbed a hand over his shaved pate. "Obviously his arm was busted up. They had to operate and put in a metal plate over the break."

"Will he." Angel swallowed hard, curling in on himself. It had been a long time since he felt this small. "Will he be able to use it again?"

Gunn nodded. "The surgeon was very optimistic. Hell, for all we know, Connor's got super healing to go along with his strength, speed and hearing."

"The fall didn't hurt his spine, did it?" Angel had been tormenting himself waiting for this report, debating which was worse, having killed his son or paralyzing him. Angel didn't think Connor could adjust to life in a wheelchair. The boy lived to move. Angel had noticed how Connor reveled in the agility of his own form. He always seemed to be in motion. Gunn termed it twitchy. Angel didn't see it then again he had missed out on three months of Connor's life; three more on top of untold years in hell. Was his son sixteen, eighteen, older, younger? Whatever it was, it was too young to end up unable to walk.

"No," Gunn said simply, ending that misery. "But he did fracture his skull, hairline crack. The doctors weren't overly concerned. Personally that fluid running out of Connor's nose scared me."

"Fluid?" Angel's eyes widened. Scrambling his son's brains was worse than paralyzing him.

Gunn shrugged. "Called it CSF, said it cushioned the brain. The doc said it was common for it to leak out when you break the cribri.something or other. A bone sort of behind the nose bone. They said it wasn't bad, like brain damage bad but he does have a hell of a concussion. They said something about a countrecoup injury. I'm shocked I even remember how to say that." Gunn snorted. "Why can't doctors just say things in plain English? Contrecoup, who knows that that means? Couldn't just say bruised brain, which is what it is. When his forehead hit ground, his brain sloshed backwards and bruised against the back of his skull."

Angel winced at the description. Gunn looked remotely fascinated by the way it worked. "And this isn't serious?" Angel asked his voice tight with disbelief.

"I guess all concussions are bruised brains. They were more excited about the forty-five stitches it took to sew up his scalp. I warn you now, they shaved his head." Gunn made a face. "Hope his hair grows back fast cause on him, my style just ain't working."

"Gunn!"

Gunn half-smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Silly how your mind works. I'm looking at the poor kid in the recovery room and all I can think is 'God he looks stupid bald'."

Angel tried to get that image out of his mind. "They're keeping him at the hospital?"

Gunn cracked his knuckles, pulling at them wearily. "Yeah. At least for tonight because of the head injuries and to give him antibiotics through a vein. They said that was standard when they put metal in you."

"Cordy and Fred are with him?"

"Fred is. Cordy was freaking so we sent her back to the loft," Gunn said disgusted. Angel thought Gunn should be a little more forgiving of her, all things considered. "I don't think Connor has noticed she's gone. He's loopy on painkillers. At least she held it together while we were all waiting in the ER for him to get taken into surgery."

"What did you tell the doctors?"

"That Connor got mugged in a stairwell. Fred and Cordy, before she wigged, got Connor to go along with it. Fred told him if he said you did it the cops might take him and put him somewhere like a foster home. Maybe not a fair thing to do to someone lying there with his arms bones hanging out but it worked." Gunn shrugged apologetically. "Connor's not really in any condition to do or say much anyhow. The doctors probably think he's a junkie looking to score over in that neighborhood. That's probably why they'll release him tomorrow unless there's complications. Which I guess ain't a bad deal 'cause if someone starts looking into Connor Angel and sees that according to his birth certificate he's under six months old, there might be questions."

Angel nodded, getting to his feet.

"Where are you going?" Gunn asked nervously, getting up himself just in case.

"To the hospital. It's dark now."

"Do you think that's smart?"

Angel saw the muted fear in Gunn's dark eyes. He didn't blame him. "No, but I need to talk to him and with him still coming down from pain killers and anesthesia he's in no shape to do anything but lie there and listen."

Gunn snorted. "You hope."

"Lilah knows what happened." Angel paused as Gunn went on full alert. "Her spy must have seen the ambulance. She sent me a cute little taunt that I burned along with everything else. Wolfram and Hart knows where my son is and he can't protect himself. I'm going to be sure nothing worse happens to him."

"I'll go with you," Gunn said, crossing over to Angel.

"No. Get some rest. He'll need someone to look after him once the sun rises, if you're willing."

Gunn shot him a looking saying, 'did you have to ask.' "Yeah man, of course."

"Thanks, Gunn, for everything." Angel meant it. He knew full well Gunn and Fred hadn't completely forgiven Connor yet but they still cared for him.

Gunn just nodded. "It's not all your fault, you know that right? Connor just keeps pushing. He did it to me constantly while you were gone. There were times when I wanted to flatten him for popping off."

"But you didn't. Most adults wouldn't." Angel mentally flinched as he dug the spurs deeper into himself.

Gunn snorted. "I only didn't because Fred was there to cool it out. If I had been my dad listening to me spout off like that, I would have knocked him into next week."

Angel knew exactly how Gunn felt. "I'll do my best not to be either of our fathers."

* * *

Angel tried to make himself as unobtrusive as possible as he went into his son's hospital room. It was still visiting hours but just barely. He didn't want to be ejected before he had a chance to say what he needed to. There was the smell of death on the wing in the room but it was coming from the other side of the curtain. He could see three middle-aged people huddled near the bed, probably waiting for a parent to pass on.

Fred sat next to Connor's bed, talking softly to him. Angel was grateful she had forgiven the boy enough to be willing to be with him. Connor looked amazingly tiny lying there. For a wild moment Angel wondered whom Connor resembled. With those big blue eyes that took up most of his face, large lips and small frame, he looked more like Dru's child than Darla's. How did he and Darla get a blue-eyed child in the first place?

Fred glanced over, hearing him perhaps, or just on the look out for him. She smiled nervously and leaned close to Connor, whispering something. She got up and crossed over to Angel.

"Gunn told me how bad he's hurt," Angel said softly.

Fred looked back at Connor, her soft hair undulating with the quick movement. "He's pretty out of it."

"Still, I need to talk to him." Angel touched her arm. "Wolfram and Hart might be lurking around so be careful going home."

Fred's eyes tightened. "I'm going to check up on Cordy first."

"Good idea." Angel smiled at her. "Thank you Fred, for being here with him."

"Do you want me to stay with you?" She looked like she'd rather be gone and Angel didn't blame her.

"No, go ahead and check on Cordy. I need to be alone with him." Angel glanced over at the curtained off section of the room. "As alone as I can get at any rate."

"Good luck." Fred squeezed his hand then left.

Angel dragged the chair closer to the bed. He didn't want to loom over the boy. Connor's eyes tracked him, hostile. His hand fumbled for the nurse's call button but the IV heplock in the hollow of his elbow slowed him down. Angel took the button away. Connor's thin body quivered with rage.

"No calling anyone. I just want to talk to you and I want you to listen. Five minutes, then I'll go if you want me to," Angel said evenly.

Connor curled his lips at him. "Go now."

"Just listen." Angel stroked Connor's cheek only to have him flinch away. "I'm sorry Connor. I'm sorry you got hurt. I didn't mean to harm you and it looks like I did it worse than you've probably ever suffered. I should never have come to your home in the first place."

Connor's eyes narrowed to hateful slits. "Why did you?"

Angel wanted to tell him a comforting lie but he looked into his son's face and knew he couldn't. Both of Connor's eyes were black and swollen. His shaven head was covered on one side with thick white bandages. More fluffy dressings wrapped his broken arm reminding Angel of the snow of his childhood, soft, white and hiding dangers. What was visible of Connor's hand was puffy, painted orange-brown with iodine and the dark purple of blood under the skin added to the ugliness of it. Angel could smell the blood seeping around the sutures. Too much damage had been done. Adding lies wouldn't help. "Because I knew what you and Cordy were doing. Wolfram and Hart's spies told me."

"Someone saw?"

Given the stricken look in his son's eyes, Angel was very glad that he didn't mention the pictures and tape. "Yes."

"You were coming to stop us, to hurt me," Connor accused, huddling against the bed.

"No." Angel rested his hand on Connor's shoulder. "I was thinking it. I wanted to wring your neck but I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't hurt you, Connor, and I know it's hard to believe, lying here full of stitches and broken bones. I was angry for a lot of reasons, the thought you might have done it just to get back at me being number one on the list. I don't think that's what you did but I don't doubt you thought of it." The hardening of Connor's eyes told Angel he wasn't wrong. "And I was angry at Cordy for taking advantage of you. You're too young, whether you think so or not. And it wasn't fair to Cordy either. She doesn't know herself. The last thing she needs is to get involved in a relationship. You have no idea how complicated they always are. That's why I agreed she needed to have space in the first place."

Connor's good hand twisted in the bedding, nearly tearing it. "You're mad because I have what you want."

"That's not it. Yes, I am still sorting out how I feel about Cordy but it was a moot point, even before she lost her memory. Maybe you don't know about my curse, Connor. My soul is contingent on me being unhappy and suffering. One moment of bliss and my soul is gone, leaving me a monster again."

Connor's blacked eyes narrow. "That's dumb. You have to be lying."

"No, and yes, a loophole that let's the demon go free is stupid but that's what I'm stuck with. I can't be with Cordy, ever. It's too big a risk. I've learned that the hard way. I loved a girl, not so long ago. In the end I had to move here to keep from becoming Angelus again. I loved her too much to stay, no matter how much I wanted to. Even if Cordy and I were really in love and it wasn't just what people wanted to see, the end would have been the same. I would have had to leave her, too. When I remember that, I wasn't angry any more. If I hadn't wasted time reassuring Fred and Gunn everything was okay I would have been gone before you knew I was ever there and none of this would have happened."

Angel waved a hand at the IV bag letting nutrients and antibiotics drip slowly into Connor's body. Connor cringed at the motion, his eyes screwing closed in pain as he moved. Angel gently stroked his unbroken arm. "Do you need me to get the nurse to get you something for the pain?"

"No. She said she'd be back at ten with another pill." He pulled a long face. "I don't like them. They make me feel funny."

"I'm sorry." Angel saw no belief in his son's eyes. He decided to forge ahead anyhow. "After I wasn't so shocked any more about last night, I thought about something else. You haven't been in this world very long. It's not unreasonable to think you've never been with a woman before." Angel paused, seeing Connor squirming uncomfortably. Angel was relieved he would never have to give his son the big sex talk now. Just saying this much was hard and embarrassing. "I knew Cordy would have treated you well. Not every woman would have. You have no idea how important and special that is now but you'll come to appreciate it. I'm glad Cordy was the one to give you that."

"No, you're not, "Connor grumbled, a sulky pout touching his generous lips.

"Yes, I am. Believe me, a lot worse things could have happened the first time out." Angel was grateful he could no longer blush. "Like falling out of the hayloft taking the scullery maid with you then landing on a pitch fork and having to explain to your father how you got stabbed in the thigh."

Connor just stared. Angel shrugged sheepishly and a bubble of laughter escaped his son. Angel decided that amusement looked good on Connor. It was a shame it was such rare emotion for him. "Forget I told you that."

"No."

Angel snorted. He patted Connor's arm again. "The people watching you earlier might still be lurking. I'll be around all night to make sure they don't hurt you. Cordy, Fred and Gunn will be here in the day," Angel said, hoping he was safe speaking for Cordy. She didn't like anyone deciding things for her but he figured she'd want to be here. "We're just looking out for Wolfram and Hart's men, not spying on you, okay?"

Connor gave Angel a fished eyed look and begrudging 'okay.'

"I'm going to go now and make sure no one's hanging around who doesn't belong. I'm sorry you got hurt Connor and I want you to know I love you, no matter what."

Connor simply continued to stare at him, the pupils of his eyes pinpoints from the narcotics. "Really? If that's true, if you love me so much, if you're happy for me how come you still have your soul?"

Angel shut his eyes. Trust Connor to find yet another way to twist the knife. "Because it needs to be perfect happiness, true bliss and while I might love you, Connor, it's a far cry from blissful. When you were a baby I was terrified something would happen to you, that one of my enemies would kill you. Now I'm worried about what in the name of God you're going to do next. But it's a good thing. If I wasn't worried, if it were possible to be completely happy with you then I'd be in trouble. I'll take the road with all the bumps."

Connor tucked his chin down, a habit Angel had noticed, as if the boy expected to get hit at any moment or was somehow afraid to meet anyone's eyes. "I don't believe you."

"That's okay, too. One day you will. I should go. I'll check back but that pill will put you to sleep before I get back."

"I don't want you here anyhow. I don't need you," Connor said spitefully.

Angel smiled sadly. "You sound just like I did with my father. I didn't understand how much I had hurt him until now."

"I'm nothing like you. I hate you." That came out as a growl, Connor trying to hike himself upright and failing.

"You might even think that's true, Connor." Angel covered him back up snugly. "It doesn't change a thing. I still love you and I'm not going to give up on you."

As he left, Angel looked back and saw his son angrily wiping away tears. He set out stalking for Wolfram and Hart's men, feeling reassured he could evoke an emotion beyond anger from his son.

Author's Note: CSF is cerebral spinal fluid and it cushions and provides a barrier for the brain. It commonly leaks out when the cribriform plate is fractured (common sports injury). See, 10 years of medical school/residency pays off.