CHAPTER SEVEN
"I can't believe you're doing this, Cordelia," Angel said, sitting on the steps of the courtyard.
"I need space, Angel. This is just too much for me." She examined a plant in the courtyard so not to have to look at him. She knew this was going to be hard. She wanted yesterday to have just been a bad dream. She wanted to have her memories back. She wanted to know why she had sex with a teen and she didn't want to be having this fight. But something in her told her she didn't give an inch, not ever. It wasn't in her.
"You're stronger than this."
At those soft simple words, she whirled on him and let all her fears bubble up. "Than what? Dealing with whatever happened to me when I was gone? Dealing with the fact that I know vampires and demons and I'm apparently okay with it? Dealing with the idea that I have visions and I hunt down demons with the rest of you? No, Angel, I'm not that strong. I'm drowning in all of this and I need to grab a lifeline."
"I notice Connor didn't even make the list." The only signs of his anger she could see was the ice in his dark eyes and the chill in his voice that could have frosted the entirely garden.
It froze Cordy to the core but she let her own temper melt through it. "Maybe because I can't give you a reason for what's going on with him?" God, that was so true. She had always been a little 'friendly'; somehow she knew that instinctively just as she knew it wasn't exactly right to be with Connor. "Or maybe it's the one thing I can deal with or maybe I just can't figure out how I feel or how I came to be in this situation; only that I did and it doesn't feel entirely wrong."
"And yet you're going to leave him. It's going to crush him."
Cordy stalked over to him, her body trembling. Did he think she was stupid? She knew that but she had to have faith in Connor. He wasn't like any boy she had ever known, or at least she didn't think so. Too much of her was gone to be sure. "Last time we spoke you wanted me to take time for myself before I got involved with anyone. You said he was too young. You were right on both accounts."
"I understand that. Connor won't. He's a teen. He's.what did Lorne call it? Emotionally and socially stunted. He doesn't know about getting dumped. Even if you tell him you're coming back, it's not going to stop him from hurting. Nothing is coming to change the fact that one day you're sleeping with him and the next you're leaving the city."
"You're not giving him enough credit," Cordy said, leaning up against a palm tree. She rapped her head back against it, ignoring the tiny flare of pain.
"Maybe you're giving him too much credit."
"He'll understand I need to go home just for a little while. He's mature for his age," she argued.
Angel snorted. "You obviously haven't talked to Fred and Gunn. Connor is a typical teen. Well, as typical as he can be given what he is." Angel got to his feet, crossing over to her. "And doing this to him is pretty immature on your part and stupid."
Cordy slapped him. "How dare you? You can't put this all on me. I can't take any more. I'm coming unglued. Can't you understand that?" Her fist hit him without any strength. He caught her arm gently, his face softening. She could see he'd take whatever she handed him just now, even if it was rage against the obvious. He knew she was in pain, that she wasn't herself. He'd take it even if she was wrong. She knew she was. He knew it but she wouldn't admit it. It wasn't in her, too and he seemed to know that as well. What had she done to deserve such a good friend?
"Cordy please, don't just go." Angel paced away from her, giving her space to recover her dignity. "Stay here. Move back out on your own if you need space. Invite your parents here for a visit if you have to. Just please don't abandon him."
Cordy hugged her arms around herself tight, turning her head so he couldn't see her eyes misting. "Angel, please don't make this so hard. I'm only going to be gone a short time."
"Long enough to tear his heart out."
"You're just afraid he's going to blame you," Cordy said, the steel coming back to her face as she turned back to him.
Angel shook his head. "I know I'm going to get blamed. I can live with that. I can handle anything he puts me through but you don't need to do this."
"You're wrong. I do." It was a lie but they both ignored it. She went to him, gently taking his hand. It was so cold and hard she couldn't imagine ever wanting it near her; friends, she didn't doubt they were that but she couldn't imagine that they might have once thought to be more. "And I'll find a way to make Connor understand that. I promise."
"I'm not sure that's possible." Angel looked into her eyes. "I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"
"No. I need to find out who I am." She sighed, leaning against him as her energy drained away. "I know I shouldn't have put Connor into this mess but I did and I'll make it right."
Angel said nothing. Cordelia shot him a sorrowful look and headed off. All she could do was pray what she had to do next wouldn't be as traumatic as she feared.
* * *
"Why are you doing this?" Connor asked, struggling to get up off his bed. The painkillers they had sent him home with made him feel like he was mired in mud. He would stop taking the pills as soon as he could get away with it. Gunn and Fred were gone, or maybe they were outside making sure no one was spying on him. He didn't really like it but at the same time, it wasn't so bad. He had gotten used to them caring for him. He just wished Fred and Cordy would quit telling him to take his pills.
"I need to find myself, honey. I can't do that here," Cordelia replied, putting the remainder of her clothing in a small tatty suitcase.
He achieved the sitting position but the room swam with the effort. "But I don't want you to go."
"It won't be forever, Connor. I just need to spend time with my parents. Alone," Cordy emphasized that last word. She kept her eyes firmly on her luggage so not to have to see the pain in his face.
"Did I do something wrong? Is that why you're leaving me?" He couldn't help the pathetic tenor in his voice. He never considered Cordy could leave. Lovers didn't do that. Wasn't it supposed to be for life?
Cordy froze. She turned and sat on the bed with him. "Oh, Connor. This has nothing to do with you or anything you did." She gently pressed her lips to his, feeling him tremble. "I don't want you thinking that. I don't want you hurting. I might not want to but I have to admit Angel has a point. I have no business getting involved with anyone until I get myself back."
His eyes narrowed. Why did it always come down to Angel? "But."
She laid a finger on his lips. "I'm also not regretting anything we did. I'm sorry you got hurt so badly, but I don't regret anything else. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Connor ducked his head. "I guess."
Cordy hesitated at his huffiness. She thought this would be easier. She had expected Connor to understand she just needed a little time. She wanted Angel to have been wrong about this. "I know this has to feel bad. It feels terrible to me. I'm sorry. But I just need to have a little time to get back that part of me that's been lost and it's something I need to do on my own."
"I understand." Connor shifted on the bed. "That's kinda what I'm doing here. I don't have a place in this world."
Cordy kissed him again, running her fingers along his shaven crown. "You have a place, Connor and you'll find it someday. I don't want you to doubt I'm coming back for you."
He smiled timidly. "I don't. It's okay. I'm used to being alone."
She feathered a kiss on his cheek. "Connor, hon, I'm not leaving you here alone."
"I don't want to go to the hotel," he snapped.
Cordy felt the tension hit his frame harder than a linebacker taking out a quarterback. "I didn't think you would. Someday you will but it's not time."
"How can you think it ever will be time?" He pulled away from her, cradling his injured arm. He flopped back on the bed, facing away from her, curling up on his side.
"Because it's where Angel is," she said, rubbing the small of his back. "And despite everything he's your father and I don't doubt for a moment he loves you completely."
Connor wrinkled his nose, falling deeper into his sulk. "No hotel."
"Well, you're not going to be alone. You need someone to help you until your arm's better. I took the liberty of inviting him here." Cordy trailed fingers over his flesh that was exposed just about his belt line. Deep purple mottled his pale skin. She dreaded to see what else might be hidden under his drab clothing.
"Him who?" Connor looked over his shoulder at her, hostility clouding his blue eyes.
"And old friend, judging by all the photos of us. I saw him at the hospital with a woman, Lilah somebody or other. She was arranging to pay your medical bills since you don't have insurance. I thought that was incredibly sweet of her. She said she was big on doing favors. Anyhow, I want you to stay with him until you heal. Please, say you will. I won't be able to do what I need to if I'm worried about you." Cordy leaned over him, trying to look him in the eyes, her body resting against his lightly.
He stubbornly turned his face away. "Okay."
"Thank you." She swung off the bed. "Why don't you rest while we wait and I'll finish packing?"
"Not tired."
"You never are."
"Don't want to sleep," he persisted.
She threw up her hands. "Fine. Don't go Richter on me."
"Huh?"
Cordy knew that bemused look. Connor's English could get occasionally out of synch with today's usage. "Don't get mad. Just lie back and pretend to be tired."
He made a face but stretched out obediently. He didn't seem any less alert, however. "Where are you going? Is it far?"
Cordy shook her head. "Just a few hours away. It's called Sunnydale. I wish I could remember what it's like but it sounds nice, doesn't it?"
He shrugged one shoulderedly, watching her work.
"Sounds peaceful, and small and a little country-slow. Wish I knew if I liked slow." Cordy zipped up the luggage.
"I like less people."
"I guess you're not used to so many of them," Cordy said and he shook his head, wincing afterwards. "Easy on that poor head of yours, Connor. I wonder if a brain turns purple if it's bruised."
A knock cut off his reply. Cordy answered the door, letting Wesley in. Connor stiffened, drawing up into a sitting position.
"Thanks for coming, Wesley."
"Not a problem, Cordelia. I hope you find what you're looking for," the lanky Brit said, his eyes firmly on Connor. "Hello, Connor."
"I know you," Connor grumbled. "You're the one who brought him back." He unleashed big blue pleading eyes on her. "I don't want to go with him, Cordelia."
"Connor, you promised," she said, her voice like velvet over steel.
"I didn't know you meant him." Connor pouted ill-humoredly.
"You can't stay alone, hon, and Wesley will take good care of you."
"Believe me, Connor, no one will bother you at my flat. Your father and his friends won't come there. They want nothing to do with me," Wesley said, dark humor and sadness mixing in his blue eyes.
Connor shot him a mistrustful look. "Then why did you save Angel?"
Wesley snorted, his fingers scratching at his stubbly beard. "I did it for me, not for him."
"Connor, please, for me." Cordy implored. "I've already got your bag packed. It won't be for very long."
"For you," he conceded, getting up.
"Are you ready, Cordelia? I'll take you to the bus station," Wesley said.
"Why don't you boys run the bags to the car." She waved a hand at the two small bags. "I want to use the bathroom before I go because I'm thinking the one in the bus station is just going to be gross."
"Of course." Wesley took one of the bags, leaving the smaller one for Connor.
"My father really doesn't like you?" Connor asked, as he followed Wesley outside.
"He tried to kill me." Wesley winced at the memory. "So you can just imagine what he'll think of you staying with me."
At that thought a large maniacal smile slid across Connor's pale face. He needed no more encouragement. He could learn patience where Cordy was concerned. He believed her when she said she'd come back to him and something told him that Wesley knew things he should learn. His smile broadened at the thought. "This could be fun."
"I can't believe you're doing this, Cordelia," Angel said, sitting on the steps of the courtyard.
"I need space, Angel. This is just too much for me." She examined a plant in the courtyard so not to have to look at him. She knew this was going to be hard. She wanted yesterday to have just been a bad dream. She wanted to have her memories back. She wanted to know why she had sex with a teen and she didn't want to be having this fight. But something in her told her she didn't give an inch, not ever. It wasn't in her.
"You're stronger than this."
At those soft simple words, she whirled on him and let all her fears bubble up. "Than what? Dealing with whatever happened to me when I was gone? Dealing with the fact that I know vampires and demons and I'm apparently okay with it? Dealing with the idea that I have visions and I hunt down demons with the rest of you? No, Angel, I'm not that strong. I'm drowning in all of this and I need to grab a lifeline."
"I notice Connor didn't even make the list." The only signs of his anger she could see was the ice in his dark eyes and the chill in his voice that could have frosted the entirely garden.
It froze Cordy to the core but she let her own temper melt through it. "Maybe because I can't give you a reason for what's going on with him?" God, that was so true. She had always been a little 'friendly'; somehow she knew that instinctively just as she knew it wasn't exactly right to be with Connor. "Or maybe it's the one thing I can deal with or maybe I just can't figure out how I feel or how I came to be in this situation; only that I did and it doesn't feel entirely wrong."
"And yet you're going to leave him. It's going to crush him."
Cordy stalked over to him, her body trembling. Did he think she was stupid? She knew that but she had to have faith in Connor. He wasn't like any boy she had ever known, or at least she didn't think so. Too much of her was gone to be sure. "Last time we spoke you wanted me to take time for myself before I got involved with anyone. You said he was too young. You were right on both accounts."
"I understand that. Connor won't. He's a teen. He's.what did Lorne call it? Emotionally and socially stunted. He doesn't know about getting dumped. Even if you tell him you're coming back, it's not going to stop him from hurting. Nothing is coming to change the fact that one day you're sleeping with him and the next you're leaving the city."
"You're not giving him enough credit," Cordy said, leaning up against a palm tree. She rapped her head back against it, ignoring the tiny flare of pain.
"Maybe you're giving him too much credit."
"He'll understand I need to go home just for a little while. He's mature for his age," she argued.
Angel snorted. "You obviously haven't talked to Fred and Gunn. Connor is a typical teen. Well, as typical as he can be given what he is." Angel got to his feet, crossing over to her. "And doing this to him is pretty immature on your part and stupid."
Cordy slapped him. "How dare you? You can't put this all on me. I can't take any more. I'm coming unglued. Can't you understand that?" Her fist hit him without any strength. He caught her arm gently, his face softening. She could see he'd take whatever she handed him just now, even if it was rage against the obvious. He knew she was in pain, that she wasn't herself. He'd take it even if she was wrong. She knew she was. He knew it but she wouldn't admit it. It wasn't in her, too and he seemed to know that as well. What had she done to deserve such a good friend?
"Cordy please, don't just go." Angel paced away from her, giving her space to recover her dignity. "Stay here. Move back out on your own if you need space. Invite your parents here for a visit if you have to. Just please don't abandon him."
Cordy hugged her arms around herself tight, turning her head so he couldn't see her eyes misting. "Angel, please don't make this so hard. I'm only going to be gone a short time."
"Long enough to tear his heart out."
"You're just afraid he's going to blame you," Cordy said, the steel coming back to her face as she turned back to him.
Angel shook his head. "I know I'm going to get blamed. I can live with that. I can handle anything he puts me through but you don't need to do this."
"You're wrong. I do." It was a lie but they both ignored it. She went to him, gently taking his hand. It was so cold and hard she couldn't imagine ever wanting it near her; friends, she didn't doubt they were that but she couldn't imagine that they might have once thought to be more. "And I'll find a way to make Connor understand that. I promise."
"I'm not sure that's possible." Angel looked into her eyes. "I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"
"No. I need to find out who I am." She sighed, leaning against him as her energy drained away. "I know I shouldn't have put Connor into this mess but I did and I'll make it right."
Angel said nothing. Cordelia shot him a sorrowful look and headed off. All she could do was pray what she had to do next wouldn't be as traumatic as she feared.
* * *
"Why are you doing this?" Connor asked, struggling to get up off his bed. The painkillers they had sent him home with made him feel like he was mired in mud. He would stop taking the pills as soon as he could get away with it. Gunn and Fred were gone, or maybe they were outside making sure no one was spying on him. He didn't really like it but at the same time, it wasn't so bad. He had gotten used to them caring for him. He just wished Fred and Cordy would quit telling him to take his pills.
"I need to find myself, honey. I can't do that here," Cordelia replied, putting the remainder of her clothing in a small tatty suitcase.
He achieved the sitting position but the room swam with the effort. "But I don't want you to go."
"It won't be forever, Connor. I just need to spend time with my parents. Alone," Cordy emphasized that last word. She kept her eyes firmly on her luggage so not to have to see the pain in his face.
"Did I do something wrong? Is that why you're leaving me?" He couldn't help the pathetic tenor in his voice. He never considered Cordy could leave. Lovers didn't do that. Wasn't it supposed to be for life?
Cordy froze. She turned and sat on the bed with him. "Oh, Connor. This has nothing to do with you or anything you did." She gently pressed her lips to his, feeling him tremble. "I don't want you thinking that. I don't want you hurting. I might not want to but I have to admit Angel has a point. I have no business getting involved with anyone until I get myself back."
His eyes narrowed. Why did it always come down to Angel? "But."
She laid a finger on his lips. "I'm also not regretting anything we did. I'm sorry you got hurt so badly, but I don't regret anything else. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Connor ducked his head. "I guess."
Cordy hesitated at his huffiness. She thought this would be easier. She had expected Connor to understand she just needed a little time. She wanted Angel to have been wrong about this. "I know this has to feel bad. It feels terrible to me. I'm sorry. But I just need to have a little time to get back that part of me that's been lost and it's something I need to do on my own."
"I understand." Connor shifted on the bed. "That's kinda what I'm doing here. I don't have a place in this world."
Cordy kissed him again, running her fingers along his shaven crown. "You have a place, Connor and you'll find it someday. I don't want you to doubt I'm coming back for you."
He smiled timidly. "I don't. It's okay. I'm used to being alone."
She feathered a kiss on his cheek. "Connor, hon, I'm not leaving you here alone."
"I don't want to go to the hotel," he snapped.
Cordy felt the tension hit his frame harder than a linebacker taking out a quarterback. "I didn't think you would. Someday you will but it's not time."
"How can you think it ever will be time?" He pulled away from her, cradling his injured arm. He flopped back on the bed, facing away from her, curling up on his side.
"Because it's where Angel is," she said, rubbing the small of his back. "And despite everything he's your father and I don't doubt for a moment he loves you completely."
Connor wrinkled his nose, falling deeper into his sulk. "No hotel."
"Well, you're not going to be alone. You need someone to help you until your arm's better. I took the liberty of inviting him here." Cordy trailed fingers over his flesh that was exposed just about his belt line. Deep purple mottled his pale skin. She dreaded to see what else might be hidden under his drab clothing.
"Him who?" Connor looked over his shoulder at her, hostility clouding his blue eyes.
"And old friend, judging by all the photos of us. I saw him at the hospital with a woman, Lilah somebody or other. She was arranging to pay your medical bills since you don't have insurance. I thought that was incredibly sweet of her. She said she was big on doing favors. Anyhow, I want you to stay with him until you heal. Please, say you will. I won't be able to do what I need to if I'm worried about you." Cordy leaned over him, trying to look him in the eyes, her body resting against his lightly.
He stubbornly turned his face away. "Okay."
"Thank you." She swung off the bed. "Why don't you rest while we wait and I'll finish packing?"
"Not tired."
"You never are."
"Don't want to sleep," he persisted.
She threw up her hands. "Fine. Don't go Richter on me."
"Huh?"
Cordy knew that bemused look. Connor's English could get occasionally out of synch with today's usage. "Don't get mad. Just lie back and pretend to be tired."
He made a face but stretched out obediently. He didn't seem any less alert, however. "Where are you going? Is it far?"
Cordy shook her head. "Just a few hours away. It's called Sunnydale. I wish I could remember what it's like but it sounds nice, doesn't it?"
He shrugged one shoulderedly, watching her work.
"Sounds peaceful, and small and a little country-slow. Wish I knew if I liked slow." Cordy zipped up the luggage.
"I like less people."
"I guess you're not used to so many of them," Cordy said and he shook his head, wincing afterwards. "Easy on that poor head of yours, Connor. I wonder if a brain turns purple if it's bruised."
A knock cut off his reply. Cordy answered the door, letting Wesley in. Connor stiffened, drawing up into a sitting position.
"Thanks for coming, Wesley."
"Not a problem, Cordelia. I hope you find what you're looking for," the lanky Brit said, his eyes firmly on Connor. "Hello, Connor."
"I know you," Connor grumbled. "You're the one who brought him back." He unleashed big blue pleading eyes on her. "I don't want to go with him, Cordelia."
"Connor, you promised," she said, her voice like velvet over steel.
"I didn't know you meant him." Connor pouted ill-humoredly.
"You can't stay alone, hon, and Wesley will take good care of you."
"Believe me, Connor, no one will bother you at my flat. Your father and his friends won't come there. They want nothing to do with me," Wesley said, dark humor and sadness mixing in his blue eyes.
Connor shot him a mistrustful look. "Then why did you save Angel?"
Wesley snorted, his fingers scratching at his stubbly beard. "I did it for me, not for him."
"Connor, please, for me." Cordy implored. "I've already got your bag packed. It won't be for very long."
"For you," he conceded, getting up.
"Are you ready, Cordelia? I'll take you to the bus station," Wesley said.
"Why don't you boys run the bags to the car." She waved a hand at the two small bags. "I want to use the bathroom before I go because I'm thinking the one in the bus station is just going to be gross."
"Of course." Wesley took one of the bags, leaving the smaller one for Connor.
"My father really doesn't like you?" Connor asked, as he followed Wesley outside.
"He tried to kill me." Wesley winced at the memory. "So you can just imagine what he'll think of you staying with me."
At that thought a large maniacal smile slid across Connor's pale face. He needed no more encouragement. He could learn patience where Cordy was concerned. He believed her when she said she'd come back to him and something told him that Wesley knew things he should learn. His smile broadened at the thought. "This could be fun."