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To share in the happiness of the joyous union of Lita and Rob Van Dam in Holy Matrimony on Monday Night Raw |
The audience cooed over the graphic that swept up the TitanTron, inviting them to witness the storybook white wedding ceremony between two of Raw's most popular Superstars. For the first time in what felt like ages, Vince McMahon demonstrated the true business genius that he was by actually pushing the wedding ceremony between two of his biggest crowd-pleasers, letting the Dawn Marie-Pathetic Old Fart (um, the authoress means, Al Wilson) crapfest sort itself out on Smackdown! A silky, snowy carpet had been rolled over the ring, partly to enhance the picture perfect white wedding effect, partly to cover up the blood that had been shed from the previous match, and white roses and lilies were entwined on the ropes. A hapless and reluctant WWE secretary had been shoved into a priest's outfit and now stood behind the ivory-and-gold-colored altar, tugging nervously at his collar with one hand while balancing a heavy book with the other, afraid to move lest he trample or knock over the delicate flowers and crystals all around him. A local orchestra was set up around three sides of the ring, and a clueless Jeff Hardy had been manipulated into posing as RVD's best man, while Trish Stratus was the natural choice to play the role of Lita's maid of honor. Due to a lack of children present at the show, Terri and Spike Dudley had been wheedled into being the flower girl and the ring bearer, since they were the shortest active members on the roster. Gregory Helms was seated ringside to cover the wedding for his newspaper, The Daily Globe, and rounding out the entourage was Lilian Garcia as the wedding singer.
All that were missing from
the festivities were the bride and groom themselves; Eric Bischoff had
already gotten a call via cell phone from backstage that Lita and Trish
were all ready to go behind the curtain. However, the ever dependable RVD
was flat out nowhere in sight, and yelling at Helms and Hardy hadn't exactly
helped, aside from making Bischoff feel a whole lot better. As the crowd
waited expectantly and the dismaying call from backstage came from Rico
informing the entourage that RVD was still MIA, Bischoff was forced to
get on the microphone and babble away for over five minutes about how delighted
the entire Raw roster was at the prospect of seeing two of its own
joined in holy matrimony, and other such incessant clichés. After
the five minutes had passed and the groom was still nowhere to be found,
the bristling Bischoff resorted to instructing a bewildered Lilian to sing
something--a love song, a power ballad, a lullaby, anything--in
an effort to further stall for time while he personally stormed backstage
and searched out Van Dam. The pretty blonde ring announcer looked somewhat
uneasy, but one sweeping glance at the already antsy crowds convinced her
to just go ahead and sing. As Lilian stood in front of the altar and reluctantly
belted out the lyrics to Faith Hill's "Breathe," Bischoff proceeded to
exit the ring and head up the ramp, stopping halfway toward the TitanTron
only when an urgent call from Rico informed him that the missing groom
had been found trying to sneak back inside from the parking lot. Bischoff
would have stormed backstage to yell at RVD, but by then Lilian was approaching
the song's finish, and the Raw GM reluctantly decided to let this
minor slip-up slide by and just commence the wedding. Making a U-turn on
the steel ramp, Bischoff reentered the ring just as Lilian held out the
last note of "Breathe" and took the microphone from her.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen,
Raw
will commence its White Wedding by introducing first the groom, Mr. Rob
Van Dam," he gritted out, trying to filter out his anger at the delays.
He turned around and motioned for the orchestra to play some wedding music
for RVD's entrance, which the hired musicians obligingly complied with.
Several minutes passed as both the entourage in the ring and the audience expectantly glanced toward the TitanTron, awaiting the groom's arrival. Finally, just as Bischoff looked like he was about to have a nervous breakdown (but not before wringing RVD's neck first!) the groom was shoved out from behind the curtains (literally: an arm--presumed to be Rico's--could be seen pushing the somewhat dazed-looking Van Dam outside) and quickly sprinted down the ramp, sliding gracefully into the ring and nearly succeeding in bowling over his best man. As RVD stood up and gingerly dusted himself off, rearranging the white rose on his lapel while apologizing to Jeff, Terri signaled that the female half of the ceremony was about to arrive as she began walking toward the ring and throwing white flower petals into the air and onto the ramp. The orchestra began to play the wedding march, and the audience held its collective breath in anticipation for the arrival of the bride with her maid of honor.
As the wedding march gently
continued to play, Lita came into view carrying a white orchid bouquet,
looking stunning in her pearly skirts and gauzy veil. Trish was right behind
her, dressed in a simpler, sleeveless white silk version of Lita's dress,
and together, the two began their graceful walk down the ramp and toward
the altar. As the females in the audience cooed dreamily and shushed down
their male neighbors from making any appreciative wolf whistles (Lita's
wedding gown
was rather short in the front, and Trish's own dress
sported a low-cut, heart-shaped neckline), the two divas finally reached
the ring and entered through the ropes, dutifully held down by Jeff and
Spike. Trish drew back as Lita glided over to the altar beside RVD; the
already-legitimately-married-but-about-to-wed-for-storyline-purposes-anyway
couple exchanged brief smiles as their "priest" got ready to read his lines.
"Dearly beloved, we're gathered
here today to witness the union of this man and this woman in holy matrimony,"
the WWE secretary posing as the priest began, stumbling nervously over
some of the words. Lita shot RVD a meaningful look, as if to say, "So,
what's your brilliant plan, and when are you going to put it into action?"
RVD shrugged in response, signaling for her to be patient and wait. In
the meantime, while Lita and her hubby had been trying to communicate using
their eyes and discreet facial expressions, the wedding had already progressed
toward the stage where the vows would be exchanged. Jeff, who'd actually
washed all the wild purple-green-and-blue dye out of his now blonde hair
and who'd also never even seen a wedding in the movies, let alone attended
an actual one, assumed that as the best man he was supposed to be the one
carrying the wedding rings, and began patting all over his extravagant
white tuxedo in search of the missing rings. While Jeff freaked out and
ignored little Spike, who was bearing a snowy velvet cushion holding two
gold rings, the shorter blonde male sidestepped RVD's frantic best man
and presented the rings to the bride and groom. Finally, after Jeff's desperate
wails and groans were beginning to get way too distracting, Gregory got
up from his seat on a metal folding chair and leaned into the ring to holler,
"Dude, they've already got the rings!"
After Jeff had calmed down,
the wedding resumed, and Lita and RVD dutifully exchanged vows under their
"priest's" watchful eye. Finally, the ceremony arrived at the melodramatic
part where the priest asked for anybody who believed the wedding should
not continue to declare their hindrances or live with their guilt, and
the crowds held their breaths and waited for the sure-to-come violent interruption,
knowing that no wedding ceremony had ever successfully taken place in the
WWE's Attitude Era.
"...speak now, or forever
hold your peace," the priest was babbling, before momentarily closing his
book shut and waiting expectantly. RVD held his breath, hoping his buddies
had remembered that this was their cue.
The groom let out the breath
he'd been holding when he saw that indeed they had. From amidst the ringside
crowds, a group of about six or seven masked wrestlers wove their way through
the seats and jumped over the black security barriers, knocking out the
guards and storming the ring. The WWE secretary dressed up as the priest
promptly split, gathering up his holy robes and scramming the hell out
of the ring, tripping over his long garbs but refusing to slow down. Terri
and Lilian both gave startled little shrieks and ducked, expecting to be
hit by the rowdy strangers who'd interrupted what was supposed to be the
first-ever successful Attitude Era WWE wedding ceremony, while Trish only
stared on in confusion, for the moment standing cautiously still but ready
to kick some serious ass if one of these masked ruffians so much as dared
to touch one hair on her head. Spike and Gregory mimicked Trish's reaction,
while Jeff simply blinked dazedly before shrugging and wandering over to
the crystal coffee table where the giant white wedding cake had been set
up, already knowing all too well how crazy life could get in the WWE and
assuming this was some last-minute angle the bookers had failed to tell
him. Lita watched the party crashers storm the ring and grabbed the nearest
object her hands found, preparing to deck one of the new wrestlers when
his mask suddenly slipped, revealing his face for a flash before he hastily
slipped it back on. That momentary glimpse was enough for Lita, though,
as she stopped with the priest's book raised halfway over her head and
frowned in vague recognition. Wait a minute...she knew these guys! Suddenly,
Lita felt as though a lightbulb went off in her head as she realized exactly
what RVD had meant when he'd declared that Philly was ECW turf, as she
turned around to find her groom.
"Rob--" she started to say,
but was cut off when RVD grabbed her hand and pulled her aside. Amidst
all the confusion in the ring, from Terri and Lilian cowering in a corner,
to a furious Trish using one of her crystal stilettos to beat the hell
out of an unfortunate masked wrestler whose hands had accidentally groped
her breasts when he'd held them out to stop a fall, to Gregory fighting
with Jeff over the wedding cake, nobody noticed when Lita and RVD discreetly
slid out of the ring and leapt down the ramp to sneak backstage and out
the parking lot.
It had begun raining lightly
by the time RVD and Lita escaped out of the arena, and since neither of
them was prepared with a handy umbrella, RVD quickly took off his white
coat and held it over their heads. Lita let out an exhilarated laugh and
danced out from underneath RVD's coat, holding out her tongue to catch
some of the raindrops as they fell. She felt giddy and excited from the
matrimonial events, like a combination of a six-year-old on Christmas morning
and a hyperactive speed demon on a sugar high. Standing a few feet away,
RVD darted a wary glance at the laughing and dancing redhead, before venturing,
"Um...Lita? Are you okay?" while wondering whether the party crashing had
somehow traumatized her into hysteria. Lita paused in mid-dance and tilted
back her head to let out another carefree laugh, before assuring him playfully,
"I'm perfectly fine, Rob! In fact, I was wondering--you didn't by any chance
have something to do with our old ECW colleagues crashing the wedding ceremony,
now did you?" RVD blushed, shrugging as he admitted, "Guilty as charged.
Sabu and the guys owed me a favor from way back, and I decided now was
as good time as any for a repayment." Lita's smile abruptly disappeared
as a thought came to her, and she asked in concern, "Suppose Eric Bischoff
calls in the cops and has them thrown in jail...Then what?" RVD grinned.
"Don't worry; they're probably
a mile away from here by now--I told them to stay only long enough for
us to slip out," he revealed, and Lita gave a relieved smile.
"That's good." She nodded
thoughtfully.
"So," RVD was saying, "feel
like getting an annulment right now? I seriously doubt Vince and Bischoff
are going to go through with this whole marriage-and-pregnancy angle after
that disastrous wedding ceremony!" Lita shrugged. For some reason, she
no longer felt as desperate to get their marriage annulled as she initially
did upon immediately finding out they were hitched.
"I guess so," she finally
murmured, tucking a wet lock of red hair behind her ear.
"Just to let you know,"
RVD was saying, and Lita squinted and wondered whether that was a blush
slowly staining his cheeks, "it was pretty fun being married to you." Lita
grinned.
"Same here," she replied
sincerely, and then on an impulse leaned over and kissed him on the lips.
Now she could definitely tell that RVD was blushing, as he stammered with
a rather goofy-looking grin, "What...what was that for?"
"We never got to the 'Now
you may kiss the bride' part," Lita reminded him cheerfully, turning slightly
pink herself. She prepared to walk off and hail a cab, when RVD impulsively
reached over and, right then and there in the november rain (*sorry, couldn't
help but insert that ^_^*), drew her into a deeper kiss. Lita was surprised
at first, faltering as she remembered what she'd fretted over with Trish
over dating a pretty guy and her solemn post-Matt Hardy oath to never attempt
another relationship with a WWE Superstar again. Then, recalling memories
of all the time she'd already spent with RVD, from their days in ECW, to
the shower incidents, to the night when he'd offered to take her out to
make up for her painfully boring date that Trish had gotten her into and
their subsequent marriage in Las Vegas, and finally to their white wedding
that almost was just moments ago, Lita thought to herself, Ah, what
the hell, and kissed him back.