I still don't own the characters, the rest is public domain

CHARACTERS:

VIOLA--Alanna of Trebond OLIVIA--Thayet jian Wilima MARIA--Buriram Tourikom SIR TOBY BELCH--Numair Salmalín SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK--Liam Ironarm MALVOLIO--Roger of Conté FOOL--Nealan of Queenscove FABIAN--Owen of Jesslaw ORSINO--Jonathon of Conté VALENTINE--Raoul of Goldenlake CURIO--Gareth of Naxen Jr. SEBASTIAN--Thom of Trebond ANTONIO--George Cooper CAPTAIN--Coram Smythsson

Director, Miscelaineous Tortallans, musicians, anyone else who feels like showing up.

Act 1.Scene 2

*Raoul is revived*

Director: Ok, so lets keep moving. Scene Two. Miss Trebond, Mr. Smythosson.

Alanna: I'm not "Miss Trebond". I'm Lady Alanna, or Sir Alanna, if you'd prefer.

Director: *ignoring her* If we may begin?

Alanna: *grumbling* Oh all right *reads* "What country, friends, is this?" If it say friends, why are only Coram and I in the scene?

Director: *ignoring her*

Coram: *reading* This is Illyria, lady."

Neal: Funny, I thought we were in Tortall...

Gary and Raoul: *laugh*

Alanna: "And what should I do in Illyria?/ My brother he is in Elysium."

Director: *interrupts* With more feeling please, Miss Trebond. Like this: *reads* "And what should I do in Illyria?.....*fake sobs* / My brother......*another sob* he is in Elysium!"

Everyone: *looks strangly at director who is crying her eyes out*

Director: *pulling herself together* continue.

Alanna: *shrugs* "Perchance his is not drown'd: what think you,/ sailors?"

Coram: "It is perchance that you yourself were saved."

Alanna: "O my poor brother!"

Gary, Jon, George, and Raoul: *snicker*

Alanna: *glares at them* It's a play, all right!!! And anyways, I do love Thom!"

Thom: Thank you , O sister dear.

Director: *coughs*

Alanna: "O my poor brother!" *glares* "and so perchance may he be."

Coram: "True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,/Assure yourself, after our ship did split,/ When you and those poor number saved with/you/ Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,/ Most provident in peril,"

*snickers*

Coram: "bind himself,/Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,/To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;/Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,/I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves/So long as I could see."

Director: *applauds* Bravo! YOu could take some lessons from him, Miss Trebond!

Alanna: *who is reading ahead* Hmmm? *keeps reading* What! YOu mean I have to marry Jon!

Director, George and Jon together:; It's just a play...

Director: *prompting* "for saying so..."

Alanna: but I don't want to marry him. Oh all right "FOr saying so, there's gold:" *hurls gold at Coram, who ducks. Gold hits Roger in the face*

Roger: Who dares harm the great Sorcerer-Duke of Conté?

Gary: Is it just me, Alanna, or does his ego get bigger every time he comes back to life?

Roger: I will conquer!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*everyone politely ignores Roger*

Alanna: "Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,/Whereto thy speech serves for authority,/The like of him. Know'st thou this country?"

Owen: THis really isn't jolly. When do we get to the fighting? *picks up stick and lunges around with it*

Neal: *restrains Owen*

Coram: "Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born/ Not three hours' travel from this very place."

Alanna: "WHo governs here?"

Roger: I do!

Jon: No, I do. I'm the king, remember?

Roger: BUt I will kill you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon: No you won't.

Roger: yes I will

Jon: No

Roger: Yes

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Jon: No

*everyone continues to politely ignore Roger and Jon*

Coram: "A noble duke, in nature as in name."

Alanna: "What is the name?"

Coram: "Orsino."

Jon: Orsino? WHat kind of name is that?

Neal: Italian.

Alanna: Don't interrupt, Squire.

Neal: *does elaborate bow* A thousand pardons, gracious lady.

Alanna: *shakes her head* "Orsino! I have heard my father name him:/ He was a bachelor then."

Coram: Even in playactin' ye're still thinkin' on love, lady Alanna?

Neal, GAry, Raoul, THayet, and Buri: *laugh*

Alanna: *glares at them*

Coram: "And so is now, or was so very late;/ For but a month ago I went from hence,/ And thern 'twas fresh in murmur, --as, you know, What great ones do the less will prattle of, --"

Thayet: *mutters* don't I know it!

Buri: *smiles*

Coram: "THat he did seek the love of fair Olivia."

THayet : *to herself* that's me.

Director: Can you be a little quieter, Miss Wilima

Thayet: Queen Thayet.

Alanna: "What's she?"

Coram: "A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count/ That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her/ In the protection of his son, her brother,/ Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,/ They say, she hath abjured the company/ And sight of men."

Thayet: Father's love indeed!

Director: Why don't we all refrain from making comments until the end, Miss Wilima

Thayet: Queen Thayet

Alanna: *bemused* " O that I served that lady/ And might not be delivered to the world,/ Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,/ What my estate is!" Whatever that means.

Director: *begins speech about meaning of the word "mellow" in that particular line*

*everyone ignores her*

Coram: "That were hard to compass;/ Because she will admit no kind of suit,/ No, not the dukes."

Thayet: *smiles at Jom* THat'll show you!

Director: *exasperated* Will you please stop the running commentary, Miss Wilima?

Thayet: That's Your Majesty. Not Miss Wilima!

Alanna: YOu thought you had it bad, Raoul, now I 've got 15 lines! "There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;/ And though that nature with a beauteous wall/ Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee/ I will believe thou hast a mind that suits/ With this thy fair and outward character./ I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,/ Conceal me what I am, and be my aid/ For such disguise as haply shall become/ The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:/ Thou shall present me as" *chokes* what is this? THis is far too close to home for comfort! "Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:/ It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing/ And speak to him in many sorts of music/ That will allow me very worth his service./ What else may hap to time I will commit;/ Only shape thou thy silence to my wit." This is ridiculous!

Director: It's only a play, Miss Trebond.

Alanna *advancing on Director with drawn sword * I'm. Not. Miss. Trebond. Don't. Ever. Call. Me. That. Again.

Director: *seems unconcerned that most famed knight in Tortall is attacking her* Come, Miss Trebond, be reas-

Alanna *chops off director's head*

Vla: *appearing with viola in tune* You've killed him!!!!!!! DOCTOR !!!! DOCTOR!!! *begins having hysterics*

*duke Baird of Queenscove appears*

Baird: Now what? I was just sitting down to breakfast. Don't tell me my son has- *sees director with Alanna standing over* Lioness. *mildly*I wish you would control your temper. These things can be so messy to fix. *puts director's head back on and brings her back to life*

Director: *sitting up* Thank you, Mr. Ahhh

Baird: Duke Baird of Queenscove. Chief Healer of the Realm.

Director: Thank you, Mr. Queenscove.

Baird: *having never been addressed so in his life before* You're......welcome. *leaves*

Vla: *still having hysterics*

Vln 1: *appears* *at violist* you're sharp!

Vla: It's the humidty.

Vln: You're still sharp! SHarp!!!! Sharp!!!! Sharp!!!!! *runs off shouting sharp*

Director: *cheerily* let's finish this scene up!

Alanna: *gives Director the death glare*

Coram: Now, Lioness... "Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:/ When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see."

Alanna: "I thank thee: lead me on."

Director: Very good, Miss Trebond. Why don't we all applaud for Mr. Smythsson and Miss Trebond.

Vla: *plays pomp and circumstance. Is sharp*

Numair: *getting misty-eyed* This is just like my graduation from the University.

Alanna: *kills director again*

Neal: Daddy.....we need you.....

*duke Baird appears*

Baird: Again? It's only been ten minutes! Nealan, I'll need your help with this... *they heal the director*