"People call me many things
People just don't have a clue
Because I'm just a fallen angel."
I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks as I sang. Louder than on stage, louder than the voices inside my head that were shrieking smugnesses, louder than my own voice could manage. I spun round the room, eyes tightly shut, blocking every image from my mind as I spiralled myself dizzy. If I stopped at any point, well, then I'd have to face it. At this precise moment I was just a giddy seven year in a playground who was singing a song that he'd made up on the spur of the moment. My voice cracked and I ran out of energy, slumping into a pile of stage clothes and salt water. It wasn't a spur of the moment song. Not at all. It was meant to be everything I couldn't say straight out. And I'd thought...I thought for one blissful second that he'd managed to hear what I couldn't speak. One blissful second. But it wasn't. He hadn't. 'An easier solution'. It meant nothing. Nothing. And he'd never realise how much it had almost meant to me.
"Because I'm just a fallen angel. I'm a fallen angel. A fallen angel just for you." I whispered the last line. I'd been kidding myself. He'd never like me in that way. I allowed myself a few more tears before steeling myself. I wiped off the ruined make up, clinically, coldly, removing all evidence and emotion. Taichi'd never know. I would just walk out there, apologise for being stressy; put it down to not wanting to hurt Jun's feelings in that way. We'd laugh about it later. That's what I'll do. Act like it meant nothing - stupid misunderstanding. Another cunning plan down the drain.
I brushed down my hair, changed shirt and threw on a jumper. Normal. Nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. Calm, collected, cool. No autographs please. The ice persona back in place; indifferent mask slipped over the top of me. Poker player at the ready. I reached to open the door with a deep breath.
I. Am. In. Control.
For all of three seconds, when Taichi threw himself through the doorway, wild-eyed and slightly scary looking. However, I took those three shocked seconds to regain my emotionless state and waited.
"Yamato?"
"I owe you an apology." Not a flicker in my voice. Good, keep it that way. "I shouldn't have flipped on you back then. It's just that I wasn't expecting you to hurt Jun in that way. Sure, she's annoying, but that wasn't fair." Perfect.
"No, it wasn't fair." Taichi agreed. I raised an eyebrow. "It's never fair if not everyone knows what's actually going on."
"Exactly. I'm going to go and tell her that you were joking, and that I just wanted her to back off a little." Shrug quickly. "You never know, she might be nicer if she's less obsessive." Final card in play. "She's pretty hot actually. I was sitting here, feeling-" like my heart had been stuck through a blender, "-really guilty. She's a nice person. In fact, I was thinking of maybe going on a date with her. It's not entirely her fault; I could've been nicer. Unrequited love makes you do stupid things I guess, but it still kills you from the inside." Mask in place, considering expression. We left the changing room, Tai seeming slightly more himself. He took me at face value. I am an excellent actor. Lucky me.
"Yeah, I've heard that 'unrequited love makes you do stupid things'." He added. "Like, an old friend of mine went out with this girl he hated, just cause he thought there was no chance of going out with his crush."
Hmm, the irony there. If Tai's caught on, I'm so dead. But no, dense expression fixed as firmly as my emotionless mask. "Maybe that's the best way." What if his stupidity is his mask? "Do I know him?"
"Yeah." Nothing more, nothing less. We carried on walking in silence. It wasn't a painful silence; it wasn't anything really; just silence. The sort that you know you'll break with some stupid comment. I tried hard, I really did.
"Bit like Dai going after 'Kari when all he really wanted was Ken?" I blurted out. Way to go Yamato. Ice cool. Like big melted puddle cool.
A Million-Watt-Tai-Smile was directed my way. "Yeah, just like that." We rounded the corner to where the others were waiting for us. "Only, the thing was that Ken knew what he wanted too. And, as the saying goes-"
"'Never stand in the way of a dictator's desire'." I quoted, flicking a glance toward Ken in remembrance. Hey, this was actually going pretty damn well. Casual small talk puntuated with usual in jokes. Shame my heart had taken it on itself to rip into seventeen equally painful pieces.
"'Niichan?" Takeru called, worry splayed across his face. He ran over and gathered me in a hug, shooting an evil glare at Taichi. I just stood, bemused, wrapped up in my taller little brother. The irony. He was being my protecter now, so it seemed.
"What's the matter? Huh? Keru? I'm fine, all body parts intact."
He looked at me long and hard before whispering gently, just loud enough for only me to hear, "All but your heart, right?" My mask slipped, split second.
"All but." I agreed, snapping back into my persona. "So, how's about we go for pizza then? I dunno about you guys but I'm famished."
"Yeah well, you're the only damn stick insect around here Ishida." Daisuke teased, slinging an arm round my shoulders. They're all bigger than me now. It's weird. Ken latched onto Daisuke's free arm, smiling at me shyly. Never a big one on public affection is Ken. I like him. We have far too much in common of course, and there's no way I'm anywhere close to his intelligence, but we're good friends. I'm his confidant; Tai's Daisuke's. Strange, isn't it? How someone that bright would think I had any of the answers he needed when I had none for myself. But that's often the way of it.
"I'd love to, but I'm expecting an enthusiastic phone call about how nice Fiji is this time of year." Jyou. Of course. I'd forgotten: Mimi always calls him on Sunday nights. She'd want to know how the concert went.
"Give her my love." I called after him. I could see Sora shifting away from the group also. "The invitation extends to you as well."
She looked shocked. "I, uh, didn't expect... well, the song made it pretty clear how you felt about me."
"Peace offering?" I asked, holding out a hand to her. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said all that so publically. Just, what I can't say in real life I can always sing."
I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks as I sang. Louder than on stage, louder than the voices inside my head that were shrieking smugnesses, louder than my own voice could manage. I spun round the room, eyes tightly shut, blocking every image from my mind as I spiralled myself dizzy. If I stopped at any point, well, then I'd have to face it. At this precise moment I was just a giddy seven year in a playground who was singing a song that he'd made up on the spur of the moment. My voice cracked and I ran out of energy, slumping into a pile of stage clothes and salt water. It wasn't a spur of the moment song. Not at all. It was meant to be everything I couldn't say straight out. And I'd thought...I thought for one blissful second that he'd managed to hear what I couldn't speak. One blissful second. But it wasn't. He hadn't. 'An easier solution'. It meant nothing. Nothing. And he'd never realise how much it had almost meant to me.
"Because I'm just a fallen angel. I'm a fallen angel. A fallen angel just for you." I whispered the last line. I'd been kidding myself. He'd never like me in that way. I allowed myself a few more tears before steeling myself. I wiped off the ruined make up, clinically, coldly, removing all evidence and emotion. Taichi'd never know. I would just walk out there, apologise for being stressy; put it down to not wanting to hurt Jun's feelings in that way. We'd laugh about it later. That's what I'll do. Act like it meant nothing - stupid misunderstanding. Another cunning plan down the drain.
I brushed down my hair, changed shirt and threw on a jumper. Normal. Nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. Calm, collected, cool. No autographs please. The ice persona back in place; indifferent mask slipped over the top of me. Poker player at the ready. I reached to open the door with a deep breath.
I. Am. In. Control.
For all of three seconds, when Taichi threw himself through the doorway, wild-eyed and slightly scary looking. However, I took those three shocked seconds to regain my emotionless state and waited.
"Yamato?"
"I owe you an apology." Not a flicker in my voice. Good, keep it that way. "I shouldn't have flipped on you back then. It's just that I wasn't expecting you to hurt Jun in that way. Sure, she's annoying, but that wasn't fair." Perfect.
"No, it wasn't fair." Taichi agreed. I raised an eyebrow. "It's never fair if not everyone knows what's actually going on."
"Exactly. I'm going to go and tell her that you were joking, and that I just wanted her to back off a little." Shrug quickly. "You never know, she might be nicer if she's less obsessive." Final card in play. "She's pretty hot actually. I was sitting here, feeling-" like my heart had been stuck through a blender, "-really guilty. She's a nice person. In fact, I was thinking of maybe going on a date with her. It's not entirely her fault; I could've been nicer. Unrequited love makes you do stupid things I guess, but it still kills you from the inside." Mask in place, considering expression. We left the changing room, Tai seeming slightly more himself. He took me at face value. I am an excellent actor. Lucky me.
"Yeah, I've heard that 'unrequited love makes you do stupid things'." He added. "Like, an old friend of mine went out with this girl he hated, just cause he thought there was no chance of going out with his crush."
Hmm, the irony there. If Tai's caught on, I'm so dead. But no, dense expression fixed as firmly as my emotionless mask. "Maybe that's the best way." What if his stupidity is his mask? "Do I know him?"
"Yeah." Nothing more, nothing less. We carried on walking in silence. It wasn't a painful silence; it wasn't anything really; just silence. The sort that you know you'll break with some stupid comment. I tried hard, I really did.
"Bit like Dai going after 'Kari when all he really wanted was Ken?" I blurted out. Way to go Yamato. Ice cool. Like big melted puddle cool.
A Million-Watt-Tai-Smile was directed my way. "Yeah, just like that." We rounded the corner to where the others were waiting for us. "Only, the thing was that Ken knew what he wanted too. And, as the saying goes-"
"'Never stand in the way of a dictator's desire'." I quoted, flicking a glance toward Ken in remembrance. Hey, this was actually going pretty damn well. Casual small talk puntuated with usual in jokes. Shame my heart had taken it on itself to rip into seventeen equally painful pieces.
"'Niichan?" Takeru called, worry splayed across his face. He ran over and gathered me in a hug, shooting an evil glare at Taichi. I just stood, bemused, wrapped up in my taller little brother. The irony. He was being my protecter now, so it seemed.
"What's the matter? Huh? Keru? I'm fine, all body parts intact."
He looked at me long and hard before whispering gently, just loud enough for only me to hear, "All but your heart, right?" My mask slipped, split second.
"All but." I agreed, snapping back into my persona. "So, how's about we go for pizza then? I dunno about you guys but I'm famished."
"Yeah well, you're the only damn stick insect around here Ishida." Daisuke teased, slinging an arm round my shoulders. They're all bigger than me now. It's weird. Ken latched onto Daisuke's free arm, smiling at me shyly. Never a big one on public affection is Ken. I like him. We have far too much in common of course, and there's no way I'm anywhere close to his intelligence, but we're good friends. I'm his confidant; Tai's Daisuke's. Strange, isn't it? How someone that bright would think I had any of the answers he needed when I had none for myself. But that's often the way of it.
"I'd love to, but I'm expecting an enthusiastic phone call about how nice Fiji is this time of year." Jyou. Of course. I'd forgotten: Mimi always calls him on Sunday nights. She'd want to know how the concert went.
"Give her my love." I called after him. I could see Sora shifting away from the group also. "The invitation extends to you as well."
She looked shocked. "I, uh, didn't expect... well, the song made it pretty clear how you felt about me."
"Peace offering?" I asked, holding out a hand to her. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said all that so publically. Just, what I can't say in real life I can always sing."