Warnings: ANGST, ANGST, ANGST! Maybe too much… *sweatdrops* And slight shounen ai. Think that there could me never enough, ne? ^-^
Explanations: The italic passages are flashbacks. Hope it won't confuse you too much… ^_^;;;; Special thanks to Fumi Ayakoganei fo being my sub editor! Sankyuuuuuu Fumi-chan!!! =^-^= Chapter 4
For a moment the howling storm was the only thing to hear. Satoshi stood up and walked to the window. With his hands in his trouser pockets he watched the snowflakes dancing hectically in the wind only to become one with their sisters and brothers on the ground. The way lay there empty and silent in the pale streetlight. It seemed that there was still something peaceful in this stormy night.
Suddenly he turned around to Daisuke. The blue haired boy opened his mouth to say something. A desperate attempt. He didn't know how to start. But when he looked in this ruby and warm eyes of his classmate Satoshi wanted to tell him everything, to get rid of all he had on his mind for such a long time. He wished nothing more as that the scars in his mind, which still hurt so much, will be cured. So he just started to tell Daisuke everything.
"Do you know the Hikari family?"
"Oh, yes. You mean that rich family of art dealers, e? Have heard of them." Daisuke answered casual and wasn't really sure what Satoshi wanted to intend with this.
"Well…You're wondering what this has to do with me, aren't you? So… My… my real name is Hikari, not Hiwatari" he explained calm.
Daisuke was only able to look at Satoshi with big and widened ruby eyes full of disbelief.
"O-Oh… Hikari?! You are… you mean you are a Hikari?" were the only words he could bring out. He wasn't sure if he still said sentences.
"Yes, that's true." There was a hard tone in the voice of Satoshi now and Daisuke had the impression that his blue eyes got colder than ice. That fact made him shivering a little bit.
"Well… I belong to this… family." The tone in his voice had changed to contempt and pain now.
"But… I think I don't really understand…" the redhead throw in confused.
"Gomen, Niwa-kun. It's so hard to bring all into words. It must be confusing for you. But… where should I start?" Satoshi looked to Daisuke, into his adorable eyes. Which colour had they? It was a red he'd never seen before. It shimmered in different shades.
A soft smile crept over Daisukes face. "The beginning of all wouldn't be the worst, ne?"
"Hai… I'll try it." Satoshi left his place on the window and returned to Daisuke. The blue haired boy crouched next to his classmate, took his cup with the tea which was only lukewarm now and sipped at it. So he tried to obtain some time to order the chaos in his mind a little bit. Satoshi looked at Daisuke who sat to his left now. He smiled. And it was an encouraging one. How was it possible that one single smile could spend so much power and warmth to him? Satoshi took a deep breath and continued.
"It seemed that my birth already had predetermined everything. My mother suffered a lot during it. It seems that this was one reason why she hated me so much, one of many reasons…" Satoshi faltered. Too many impressions of his past flood back again, punched him like fists in his face. Daisuke recognized this reaction. It was like an instinct that he could feel when his friend felt bad.
" Is everything okay?" he asked concerned. Then a sigh. "No… of course not."
"It's only …" Satoshis hands closed so firm around his cup that the knuckles of his fingers turned white. "It's only because…. It seems to me that it was just yesterday."
"Hey… take so much time you need. I won't rush you." Daisuke responded softly. "I'm just here with you." Now a soft blush crept over Daisukes adorable face. But this words came from the deepest depths of his heart. And somehow Satoshi felt covered by the warmth of this word like with a soft blanket.
"Arrigato … Daisuke-kun." This word... For the majority of people it was natural. But for him… He was only get used to apologize.
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-Flashback-
"Gomen nasai, okasan!" A five years old Satoshi stood in front of the fragments of the expensive Chinese vase on the floor which just broke. He kneeled down on the floor and tried despaired to pick up the sharp pieces. That he cut his hands he dind't recognized.
His mother stood like a menacing shadow over him and stared with a gaze full of hate down to him. "You good-for-nothing child! What have you done this time?! I spent a property on this vase!"
Satoshi startled under the voice trembling of anger and hate. The next thing he felt was a burning pain on his cheeks. Blue eyes filled with tears were looking up to his mother.
"But…mummy… I haven't done this…" Satoshi sobbed.
"Beat it!" hissed his mother more hateful than ever. " Get out of my view!" She turned around on her heel and trundged angry through the big hall.
Satoshi sobbed again and wiped with his sleeve the tears from his face. There, where his mother hurt him, his face still burned like fire.
As he looked up he was leaning on one of the columns of the hall. Long blonde hair was falling over his shoulders and a cruel smile lay on his lips. Satoshi was afraid of him.
Slowly the figure moved to where Satoshi kneeled and settled down in front of the slim figure of Satoshi. The blonde buried Satoshis face in his immaculate hands and stroke over it. Golden eyes, hard as steel, looked into big sea blue ones. Then he said something that Satoshi froze the blood in his veins.
"She will never love you, Satoshi-sama. No matter how hard you try." The sadistic smile on his face broad as he saw Satoshis shocked and painful expression. After that he stood up and disappered in the darkness.
-Flashback
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"Your mother hated you that you broke her vase?!"
Satoshi looked through blue strands into blank ruby eyes.
"How-" Daisuke started again.
"She knew that this wasn't me." Satoshi interrupted the furious redhead with a calm voice. "She knew it. And she knew who was it." While saying this his voice got more and more silent.
Daisuke lay his hand on Satoshis arm, but said nothing. With a look full of sorrow he watched his friend. A supposition crept up into him.
"Your brother?" Daisuke asked timid.
The blue haired boy nodded. "After my mother he was the person which hated me most. They all hated me. I could do what I want, they hated me only more. I tried to get some recognition from my family by learning like mad. But this was wrong, I know now. How could I dare to be better than their favourite son… He, who had the best private teachers failed . And that against his younger brother who only visited a third class middle school. From that on everything worsen. My brother teased me more than before and I thought I couldn't bear his harassments any longer. It was like hell. I had never thought that it could be more worse than before." Satoshi run a hand through his blue hair. His face was distorted painfully.
"Satoshi-kun…" Daisuke wasn't able to do anything. He had no ideas how to show him his sympathy. He could only listen to Satoshis words and try to share his pain. Let him feel his nearness and hoping that this was enough for Satoshi.
"Since this time I distanced myself from others and let nobody into my heart. I thought so I could avoid further suffering . But my mother and my brother managed it to cause pain to me again and again. Not only physical ones…"
Satoshi nearly collapsed. He felt weak, but he forced himself to continue. It was still painful, but with every word he told Daisuke he felt better. It was as if a heavy weight fell off. It was enough for him that Daisuke listened to him. He seemed to understand him, that he was able to put in his place.
"But… what's with your birthday?" the concerned voice of his younger classmate interrupted his thoughts.
"The day before they ignored me more than ever. My mother treated me with a coldness and she let me feel what she was thinking of me. I got used to their maltreatment and somehow everything was indifferent to me. I didn't care if they hurt or insult me. Slowly I blamed myself for everything and believed what my mother said to me the whole time. The day before my 12th birthday the situation escalated. All the hateful feelings to me which where stacked up into my mother exploded this time. I don't know what was the release for that, but I think that it had something to do with my brother. This evening she hit me so long till I thought my head will burst of pain.
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-Flashback-
Pain jerked through his body. It seemed that he only consisted of pain now. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth and caused a nausea to Satoshi. Then his mother screamed and raged in anger and hatred. But every pain he bear till now was nothing to what the words of his mother caused.
"You bastard! You are the biggest mistake I have ever made! I detest you!"
Tears shot into Satoshis eyes, She never said that out loud, but now it became cruel certainty. The blue haired boy shivered on his whole body. Now he definitely knew that he wasn't more for her than waste. This realization filled his heart with an icy emptiness.
-Flashback-
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Daisuke looked at Satoshi horrified and with a husky tone in his voice he said: "How could a mother do such things to her own child?!"
"You wouldn't understand me now, but I believed what she said." Satoshi said continued.
"What?! But-" And again the confused redhead was interrupted by Satoshi.
"I was awake the whole night and thought about everything. And I came to the conclusion that I was nothing worth to myself. All efforts were for nothing. I thought what would be if I weren't there anymore."
Daisukes eyes widened in horror. " You…You haven't…?"
"Not this night." The blue haired boys voice was not more than a whisper now. "But the next day, my birthday, a wave of depression flood me. The whole impressions of the last evening flood back in my mind. It was so horrible that I couldn't bear it any longer…"
Satoshi showed the redhead his pale wrists with long scars on them.
"Satoshi-kun…" A tear run silent over his cheek.
Satoshi couldn't believe what he saw there. Daisuke cried for him? Nobody did this before. He looked at him and wiped away the tear from Daisukes cheek. This salty liquid was warm. As everything of the redhead.
"Gomen ne, Daisuke-kun. But I have to tell you this. Is this okay for you?"
A nod.
"I could remember every tiny detail of this day, as if it was yesterday."
*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*
-Flashback-
It was just lunch time and so the school was abandoned. Only the laughing and screaming of the students forced their way through the windows to the classrooms. Satoshi didn't want their company. Therefore he hide inside the rest room. Crouching on the bare floor he looked around. Suddenly something dazzled him. In front of me on the floor lay a piece of broken glass. Destiny? He didn't knew. Again this thought: What would be if I'm not here anymore. Nobody would miss me or cry for me. Before he knew what he did he held the fragment in his hand. It would be so easy, he thought.
He pressed the sharp glass deep in his wrist. The pain seemed to be the welcome salvation.
Warm red blood poured from the wound.
Warm?
He felt cold as ice.
A red trickle worked it's way over Satoshis wrist. Fascinated he stared at his hand how the blood, his blood, dripped on the floor.
The blue haired boy took the piece of glass in the other hand . More and more streamlets were covering it now.
He set the fragment on the other wrist again where the artery was situated. Again, he pressed it deep in the flesh and a burning pain filled him.
Slowly he felt dazed and a warm darkness surrounded him. The last he heart before he faint was the glass falling on the ground and the Gong of the beginning lesson.
Then he was pulled down into deep darkness.
-Flashback-
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Satoshi stroke with his hands over his eyes which shimmered suspicious of tears. The exhaustion which demanded his detailed telling was written in his face. Satoshi avoided the look of the other boy. What would he think of him now? He surely regarded him as a coward.
Still avoiding the sympathetic look of Daisuke he asked: "And? What are you thinking of me now? I'm a coward, as a weak and egoistic person. Say it if you despise me. I wouldn't take amiss at it if you want to go now." His face was buried deep in his hands now.
"Why are you saying such things? Do you really believe that I would leave you alone in such an situation, Satoshi-kun? I don't know what I had done if I were in your situation." Replied the redhead, searching for Satoshis look.
"Look at me, Satoshi-kun." Daisuke took the other boys hands away from his face. Blue eyes were glancing at him. He was still holding his hands and touched softly the scars on Satoshis wrists. The redhead continued serious. "If I regarded you as this what you said would I still sit here next to you? Hm?" A gentle smile crept on his lips now.
"Why are you doing this for me?" Satoshi whispered hesitating.
"Because first you are my friend and secondly I think you are a very charming person. Somehow I knew this from the beginning. Crazy, isn't it?" A light blush conquered his cheeks and he scratched embarrassed on his head. "Well… If you want to continue I'll listen to you."
The blue haired boy looked surprised at his red haired classmate. How could he still like him after all he had told him? More than that, he said that he was his friend. This what Daisuke said to him touched him deep in his heart. He couldn't explain it, but he hat the feeling that something connected him and little bit dopey but still adorable redhead. That there was something special. He had ever wished that there would be such a person somewhere, someone who will understand him. And now this someone sat next to him.
"I was alone when I woke up in the hospital." Satoshi continued. "The doctors told me that I had to join a therapy when I got well again. And that I would live in a hostel for hard teachable youths. My mother said to them that she didn't got along well with me." Satoshi laughed bitter. "From that on I haven't heard anything from her and my brother. They had disown me. I really died for them. Later I heard by chance that they moved to Hong Kong."
"They didn't want to know how you are?!" Daisuke asked in disbelief.
"No. They broke up every contact. Maybe this was the best that could happen to me." The other boy replied. Anyhow, I made the therapy. I finished it circa one year ago. The institute I were got an apartment for me and I changed my name. A new life so to speak. Anyway, I never managed it to let people get close to me. I never wanted to bear such things like in my past. That's why I acted so cold and distanced. So I wanted to protect myself. One year ago I joined this class in Azumano middle school number 2. The rest you know…" Satoshi looked towards Daisuke who nodded slightly. Both where completely exhausted from this evening.
"Gomen ne, Satoshi-kun. I'm sorry that you had remember of this on your birthday. I wasn't a big help for you." The redhead sighed.
"No. That's not true. I'm glad that you listened to me. It was time to entrust this to somebody. And I'm also glad that this was you." Satoshi calmed the other boy.
"Really?" An adorable smile of relief conquered Daisukes face and his ruby eyes shone.
Then they both sat next to each other in silence, slurping in their cold tea. It was one of this precious moments where two people knew that they were sharing a special thing, were in a special atmosphere. After a while Daisuke glanced at the clock on the bare white wall of his apartment. 23:30 p.m.!
"Wai! Is it already so late?!" Daisukes eyes where opened widely. How time flew by.
Satoshi glanced at the clock too. He wished that this moment will never come before. But know it was there. "Maybe you should go home, Daisuke-kun. Your mother is surely concerned." He really forced himself to say this.
"Mh… You're right…." What should he do now. He felt so helpless. And he felt that it wasn't a good idea to leave Satoshi. But what should he do? His mother will die of concern where her son will be so late.
Both got up and walked to the door. Daisuke put on his coat and his scarf . "So, then… We'll see on monday, Satoshi-kun?" he asked calm and felt very uneasy.
"Hai…" Satoshi watched Daisuke turning around to leave. Everything struggled inside him against the fact that the redhead will leave now. Then however he noticed that Daisuke hesitated and turned around to him again. Two big ruby eyes looked at him in question. Then he noticed that had grabbed Daisukes arm.
Daisuke looked deep into Satoshis blue eyes as he felt that his arm was grabbed by his older classmate. Satoshi mustn't say anything. Daisuke could read his thoughts from the expression in his eyes: Don't go, please! They seemed to say. It was as if they could communicate without words with each other. As Daisuke saw the despaired look of Satoshi he knew what he had to do. A bright smile covered his adorable face now.
"Could I phone with my mother Satoshi-kun?"
~End of Chapter 4~
Notes: Waaaaiiii! This was a really long chappy *scrolls up and down* I really struggled through it many nights. But I'm afraid that it's not good enough, that I wasn't able to bring the feelings of Satoshi into the right words. The flashbacks were also a struggle, especially the last one. *sighs*
Well… I hope you liked it a little bit and were not confused about the flashbacks. Please let me know your thoughts and review!