Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with Legend of Zelda or Lord of the Rings, or any random quotes I may have stolen from anywhere else. Legend of Zelda belongs to Nintendo, Lord of the Rings to New Line Cinema and the Tolkein estate, and that's the way it's going to stay!
It was a typical day in the land of Hyrule. The sun was coming up over the hills in its usual blindingly cheerful fashion, and the mist cleared mysteriously from the flat, pixelated grass. A cock crowed to signify a new day, just in case there was someone somewhere who wanted to be up that early. There wasn't. The cock made a lovely roast.
As no one in Hyrule seemed to do anything especially, only one person was out on the field, looking suitably heroic despite the clear lack of rescuing opportunities. The majestic form of a mounted warrior followed by a degradingly pink fairy moved up the incline of the hill, slowing down at the steeper sections and completely disregarding the fact that Horses generally go faster up hills. The rider brought the horse up sharply by a disgustingly picturesque river and let it rear on it's back legs for extra effect. Unfortunately, he completely miscalculated the hold he needed to keep on the horse, and fell off backwards with an unnecessarily loud scream. Although he felt quite pleased at the prospect of having used one of his limited number of exclamations so early in the day, Link was also a little perplexed. He had never fallen off Epona before, in fact he was pretty sure it was impossible as he had discovered after the nasty incident with the cuccos and the bad-natured owner of Lon Lon Ranch. He remounted with a nifty little vault and smacked the mare on the buttock, shouting encouragingly in case abuse wasn't enough to get her to move. Epona wasn't having any of it. She reared again in an uncannily similar way to before, managing not only to regain her dignity but also cleverly dumping Link in the river. This was definately unexpected, and Link didn't even have time to surface for his token theatrical gasp before he was carried off in the current. After travelling for some time it dawned on him that he had never seen this river before. He should have discovered this sooner, but he always seemed to realise things half an hour after the rest of the world, no matter how obvious it was to everyone else.
It was at this completely inappropriate point that Navi decided to share her latest incredible and highly appreciated words of wisdom.
"LINK, if you travel too far down this river you're bound to end up in some highly unlikely but exciting situation which involves you saving otherwise helpless people/countries/worlds."
Swallowing the irritation that always overwhelmed him when Navi spoke, Link contemplated what she had said. A new adventure was probably exactly what he needed, especially since the hot girl from the Ranch had run off with one of the Hyrulian knights that guarded the castle.
(What is it with girls and men in uniform?) he wondered, not stopping to consider if the fact that he insisted on wearing a skirt had anything to do with his rejection. Besides, she was always talking at him, and although she seemed to enjoy and understand their conversations, he was always left with the feeling that he hadn't actually contributed anything. Yes, he decided, a new adventure sounded like an excellent idea.
His revelries were unfortunately interrupted by the ominous splash of falling water, and even someone as slow as Link could guess what was up ahead.
(What is it with me and falling down gaping chasms which would instantly kill a lesser man?) He thought wryly, wincing at the warning cry of "HEY!" that Navi issued, given as usual, just too late for him to take precautionary measures. He sucked in his breath importantly as the edge of the waterfall approached. If he was going to hurtle through hundreds of feet of crashing water, he was also going to make the most of a screaming opportunity, and he eagerly braced himself for the drop. Unfortunately he didn't brace himself for the whopping great rock that was sticking up out of the water in front of him and smacked into it, knocking himself unconscious. Pants, he thought as he drifted into sleep, that would've been a flipping good scream.
***
Meanwhile, a troubled elf was wandering by one of the many rivers in the extensive forests of middle earth. I use the term "troubled" loosely, since Legolas the elf only seemed to have one multi-purpose facial expression which made it hard to know exactly how he was feeling other than slightly bewildered. It was some days since he had found anything to shoot, and Gimli was sulking after they had got into a fight, escalating to Gimli rolling his R's at an incredible speed, and concluding in Legolas calling him fat.
"How was I to know that Dwarves are naturally obese?" he thought, flicking his silken locks in an impressively masculine way. It took a lot of practise to master looking tough, whilst maintaining healthy follicles, but he had discovered that provoking dwarves and hair-care wasn't what it used to be. Since the one ring had been destroyed there was nothing for a warrior elf to do except look good, (if a little confused,) and it was starting to get old, even if he wasn't. He smiled, subconsciously maintaining his bemused expression. That was sharp. It was a pity no one was there to hear it.
He jumped lightly onto one of the lily-pads that were scattered across the river, partly because it really ticked off the frogs, and partly because he could. It was all very well being immortal, but things could get boring pretty quickly. What he needed was some excitement.
As coincidence would have it the unconscious form of Link was at this time being transported to middle earth, via the all too obviously mysterious river As Legolas stood gazing confusedly over the water, the rather hefty weight of an unconscious Hyrulian crashed by, simultaneously knocking Legolas off his feet and bringing Link into the world of the waking. Legolas was on his feet instantly, feeling a little angry at being upended so unceremoniously, a little confused (as always) as to what had just happened, and also a little self-satisfied at the amazing speed of his reactions. Man, I'm good, he thought, trying to regain his composure.
Link however was feeling a tad worse for wear. He hadn't anticipated that rock, his head was throbbing horribly now and for some reason the world seemed to have faded from the garishly bright and regimented array of scenery that he was used to, to realistic tones and shapes. The trees had branches for goodness sake, and what was with the different shades of green in the grass? He was tempted to take out his Ocarina and pipe his way home, but someone was stood watching him and he couldn't look like he was running away.
(Man, that guy looks clueless), he thought observing the characteristically puzzled face of Legolas. (He must be the reason I've ended up here. If ever anyone was a candidate for my help, it's him), he decided. He got to his feet and brushed off his tunic which inextricably looked exactly the same as it had before he had fallen in the river. He stopped and took a proper look at the elf, whose expression seemed to Link to have the curious quality of looking sellotaped to his face. (Look at that hair!) He sniggered inwardly, running a hand through his own immaculate curtains. (That is so five years ago, who wears it like that nowadays? And those clothes! Doesn't he know lycra tights allow much more freedom of movement than trousers?)
During this time, Legolas was trying to decide what to make of the curious fellow that had just accosted him. Aside from the fact that he was apparently wearing a skirt, the most disturbing thing about him was his colour. Legolas was very proud of his fine blonde mane, but this chaps hair was completely yellow! And that green tunic wouldn't serve too well as camouflage, I mean, talk about lurid. He was also troubled by the impression that he wasn't quite three-dimensional, but couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was that made him feel that way. Here was an enigma and no mistake.
After observing each other in such a manner for some minutes, Legolas decided it would probably be best to try and communicate with the unfortunately formed fellow. But how to address him?
"Greetings.......er, traveller. I am Legolas Greenleaf, wood elf from the forest of Mirkwood. What business brings you to these shores?"
(Flippin eck) thought Link (He's a talker. How am I gonna get around this one?) He decided the best way to reply was to look around him in a manner not dissimilar from the lost one Legolas had earlier demonstrated. Legolas was confused, but noticed as Link turned about that he had pointed ears.
"Are you an elf? I have never seen a mortal man with ears such as those." But no elf would dream of wearing such distastefully feminine earrings either, he thought observing the hoops Link was adorned with. It was Link's turn to be puzzled
(What's an elf?) He thought, trying to remember the various races he had encountered on his travels. Although his background linked him to pretty much every kind of creature in Hyrule, he was sure he didn't remember meeting any elves. Mind you, a yes/no question was good for him. He shook his head in an endearing, but highly exaggerated fashion, managing to give the impression of innocence and naiveté without losing his determined demeanour.
Oh dear, thought Legolas. I could be here for some time. He was however beginning to notice something about the mannerisms attributed to this curious creature. He didn't have any. In fact, his facial expressions seemed to be as limited as those of himself, except instead of looking confused he seemed to be perpetually determined. His curiosity (and confusion) was growing.
Link was relieved at this momentary break in dialogue. Maybe he wasn't going to ask him any more awkward questions. (If I ignore him) he thought slyly (maybe he'll just leave me alone)
It was of course now that Navi in her wisdom found it appropriate to make her presence known.
Poor Legolas could be forgiven for his reaction then when an airborne pink blob emerged from Links tunic, yelled "HEY!!" in his face, and, turning a hostile shade of blue proceeded to hover over his head in a most threatening fashion. Also, he hadn't been hunting for a while and it seemed the perfect opportunity to put his skills to good use. Navi however, like all the most annoying things, was too resilient even for him, and quickly retreated back to the confines of Links tunic, after freeing herself from the arrow that had pinned her to a tree.
(Hmmmm) Link mused (maybe this guy isn't as bad as I thought)
Legolas however was less sure about Link. "It is dishonourable to issue an unprovoked attack on a peaceful party!" He retorted. Besides, it was most embarrassing to think that he had been startled into such extreme retaliation by a glorified fluff ball.
Link sympathised with this guy, he had often had the urge to impale Navi on a wooden stake himself. He gazed at the confused form of Legolas with what he hoped was an apologetic expression.
The blasted ruffian looks even more determined than before! Legolas thought. Why won't he speak? He was starting to get angry now, although he was quite enjoying himself. This encounter was certainly more exciting than the prospect of grovelling an apology to a disgruntled dwarf.
"Why do you not answer me? Explain the actions of your companion!"
(I wish I could mate) Link sighed inwardly (But you know what women are like). He was starting to feel a little testy himself now. If he could control the stupid fairy did he seriously think he'd let her scream "HEY" at him all the time?
As the stud of Mirkwood forest, there was nothing Legolas hated more than being ignored. There was also something about this person that was increasingly reminding him of himself, and there was definitely only enough room in middle earth for one of those. He thought of the best way he knew to insult people like himself.
"Answer me, coward!"
(Woah there lady-boy) Legolas had crossed the line now (You can insult the woman, but NEVER call me a coward!) Link drew the blade that was for some reason constantly strapped to his back and assumed the attack position.
(What is it with this guy and talking anyway? A little less conversation a little more action please...) He smiled to himself. That was good, it was a pity no one could hear it.
Legolas was really getting into this now, and drew his twin blades aggressively.
"You dare to draw your blade against me?! I will teach you a lesson in honour, disrespectful cur!"
(Bring it) thought Link.
The two warriors faced each other, trying to assess the others strengths and weaknesses. Link had the strange feeling of Deja-vu, this situation reminded him of that time in the water temple when he had to fight his shadow self. He remembered thinking he really had to get a black tunic like that guys, he looked kinda mean and moody in it. Girls love that.
Taking control of the situation Legolas lunged sharply at Link, and was amazed when his attack missed. Link had somehow performed a gravity defying backflip, travelling an impossible distance upwards and backwards without using his hands or losing grip on his sword. He was impressed, if a little disturbed (and confused). He followed up his attack with a number of sharp controlled stabs, all of which were either blocked or dodged by his opponent. To his satisfaction, one of his blades caught the fabric of Links tunic and ripped a piece away from the shoulder.
(This dudes really gonna get it now) thought Link, a little flustered about the implications of what just happened. His tunic, ripped? This world was weirder than he thought. Maybe, he thought, if people got their clothes ripped they might actually have to change them! He felt sick, and tried to put the obscene idea to the back of his mind. Instead he proceeded to charge his weapon in order to unleash his trademark spin attack, which, he decided, had to knock this light-footed freak off balance. As Legolas watched, the deranged fairy lover seemed to be surrounding his blade with ridiculously blue waves of energy.
"What kind of new devilry is this?!" He exclaimed, and stopped to wonder where it was he had heard that before. Memories of Moria came to him, and waves of nostalgia surrounded him, shortly before waves of another, more damaging kind took their place. Legolas however was far too nimble, and jumped lightly out of the way before the effects of Links' sword could reach him.
(He's good) thought Link. (Maybe he's not as much of a pansy as he looks)
The two paused and observed each other again for a moment. It seemed clear that they matched each other in skill, agility and fashion sense. How could they decide this?
As is always the way with these things, the appearance of a female sorted matters. "Leeeeeeeeegoooooooolaaaaaaas." The speaker had the strange ability of pronouncing every vowel for twice the length that everyone else did, in a husky and sincere tone, no matter what it was she said.
(Kinda sexy) Link thought, re-sheathing his sword, (in an irritating way)
"Arwen approaches!" Legolas exclaimed. What should he do? He could either leave the newcomer to the rantings of the trying elf, or he could rescue him. The foreign warrior was rapidly growing on him, and it seemed a shame to leave him to endure her tiresome conversation.
"Come with me if you want to live." He offered Link his hand, and then jerkily retracted it, shocked with himself. Why on earth had he done that? He tried again. "Quickly, we must leave here, now!" With as much dignity as he could muster he minced off into the wood, leaving Link unsure as to what to do. The female elf sounded kind of nice, although if she was anything like this guy he'd never shut her up. But then, how could he trust someone who ran so much like a girl? It was a tough choice, but he couldn't cope with another conversation and embarrassedly hot-footed it after the retreating form of the male elf.
Arwen walked out into the clearing next to the river, holding herself in and incredibly poised and graceful manner, still calling. "Leeeegooooooolaaaaas, Leeeeegoooooolaaaaaas? Wheeeeeere aaaaaaart thoooooou, elven waaaaaaarrior?" She floated down to the waters edge and looked about her, flicking her immaculate brunette locks over her slight shoulders. "Leeeeegoooooolaaaaaaas, I wiiiiiish to hoooooold coooooouncil with yoooooou!"
Realising the elf was no where to be seen, she hitched up her skirt and sat down on the ground, pausing to light up a ciggy and rearrange her bra.
"Bugger," She sighed, "he must have run off."
***
Meanwhile, Legolas and Link were celebrating their clever escape. Actually, since neither of them got worn out, regardless of how long, far or fast they had been running, and looked exactly the same no matter what unfortunate circumstances they had emerged victorious from, there was no indication that anything had happened before. In fact, as Legolas looked continually confused and Link looked perpetually determined, there was nothing in their expressions that indicated their relief. So you could say that Legolas and Link were stood gormlessly looking at each other.
"Wherever I go some buxom young lass seems to trail behind" Legolas sighed in an, oh-isn't-life-hard sort of a manner.
This was something Link could definitely sympathise with,
(Not even just laydees either) he thought (In fact all the females I've ever met seem to have fallen for the ole' Kokiri charm)
"It's happened a lot actually." Legolas explained, sitting down on the grass. "It usually involves an unnaturally beautiful but misunderstood girl, who gets transported to middle earth from twenty-first century America. For one reason or another it turns out that she is the only person who can save the fellowship from some hideous fate, and in the process falls in love with me." He rubbed a hand against his forehead. " I've lost count of the amount of times it's happened now."
Throughout this speech something odd was happening to Link. He had a strange burning sensation in his mouth and his head had started throbbing again. (Maybe that guy's blades were tipped with poison) he thought vaguely (or maybe the lack of migraine-inducing colours that I'm used to are causing withdrawal symptoms). He slumped heavily on the grass next to Legolas holding his head.
"LINK!! What's wrong?" Navi as always was sensitive to Links pain (If she speaks again a fairy is going to fry) Link thought (My head's killing as it is, she may just tip me over the edge) "LINK!!! What is it? HEY!!!! What's up, huh? LINK? LINK!!!!"
The silly tarts voice was like wire wool. Legolas contemplated shooting her again but since it didn't work last time it would probably just be a waste of an arrow. Besides, the foreigner was looking very pale, and he was worried about him.
"Is something troubling you? What is it? I am a skilled healer; if I can help at all please tell me"
(Again with the talking!!!! What is it with this guy? He doesn't seem to know when to SHUT UP!!!!)
"Yeah what's wrong LINK!!! HEY!!! HEY LINK!!!"
Links head was pounding with nausea, the grating of their voices swam around his head and crowded in on him. Why wouldn't they just stop talking at him, couldn't they see he needed some peace? Anger boiled inside him, soon it was going to overwhelm him and he would not be held responsible for the consequences. Why wouldn't they just shut up? Why wouldn't they SHUT UP!!! He scrambled to his feet and stumbled away from the pair. "LINK?? HEY!!!!!"
"What's wrong, tell me!!"
It was too much for Link to take.
"WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?!!!SHUT UP PLEASE JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP NOW, WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!!" Shaking with years of pent up rage and irritation he unsheathed his sword and flung it at Navi, who of course dodged just in time. Screaming in frustration he took out his bow and fitted an arrow to it, taking aim at the shocked, and confused, face of Legolas.
"Silent now huh? What's wrong, never had someone shove an arrow in your face before? I find that unlikely; if you walk around looking like that I'm sure there are plenty of people trying to kill you!"
He span around and glared at Navi "And you, why so quiet, bored of stating the obvious? Not in the mood to torture me with an endless stream of useless never-ending babble?! Come on, there must be something you can screech at me!"
There was silence. A phenomena had occurred, and for once Navi was speechless. Well, almost. "Link? You......spoke?!"
"Huh?!" Link gazed at her, still panting from his tirade. He lowered the bow slowly and dropped the now insignificant arrow. "I wha?!"
"You spoke, although your choice of words were somewhat inadvisable" Legolas was still smarting from that dig about his appearance.
"But.....I can't talk! I don't need to talk, everyone in Hyrule somehow manages to construct a conversation with me without any interaction on my part." He was stunned. "My only contribution is to put my hand on my hip in an understanding but manly fashion and listen as they discover things about me without ever having to join in myself . It's only this guy that's ever had any problem understanding me, and I'm not too fussed about that anyway." He sat back down again. Speaking? This day was really messing with his head now, he just wanted to go back to his tree-house and sleep for like a week. He wouldn't miss anything, no-one did anything except with him anyway.
Legolas was also quite confused, and not entirely amused by matters. This fellow was even worse now he could speak, and he didn't like abuse no matter if it was said in jest. He was a sensitive soul at heart.
"Perhaps now that you can speak, you will do me the courtesy of telling me your name?" Legolas said curtly.
"Dopey here yells it at me all the time, and you haven't guessed it yet?" Link glanced up at the slightly miffed form of Legolas
"It's Link, hero of time, blah blah yada yada, how do you do and all that, anyways." He wasn't one to dwell on chit-chat "Why the heck can I talk now after 18 years of being ordered around by people who thought it would be a good idea to take advantage of the fact that I couldn't argue back? It would've been handy that time Ruto the underwater bint decided we were engaged, or the time Zelda decided I had to go and find all the spiritual stones for her cos she was too lazy to get off her backside and do it herself. The ability to say no could've saved me a lot of work."
Legolas however did not like having the focus of conversation switched from him. "Hero of time? What does that mean? I have never heard of such a person."
"It means all the dangerous, unpleasant and usually life-threatening jobs get assigned to me, which I have no choice about because it's the will of destiny. After I've heroically and selflessly risked my life to save a load of people I otherwise have no affinity with, someone else comes along and takes the glory for it, generally one of the sages. No-one actually knows what they do, but they supposedly play a big part in the battle between good and evil, especially Zelda. She's always stealing my thunder." Man, it felt good to let all the things he had wanted to say for years finally come out. He was starting to enjoy himself, maybe there was more to this talking malarky than he had thought.
Legolas knew what he meant. Although he was clearly the fastest, cleverest and best looking member of the fellowship, a poxy hobbit somehow got appointed with the task of destroying the one ring. Where was the sex appeal in that?
"I sympathise with you Link. If they had appointed me with the task of destroying the ring, I would have got it done in half the time, and with much less angst. But no, they have to go for the classic underdog-defying-all-the-odds-to-become-triumphant story. Now I find I'm surrounded by a lot of jumped up midgets swanning around like they own middle-earth, and I don't get any thanks for constantly rescuing them. I mean, I have never known someone fall over quite so much as that Frodo chap."
"Why is it whenever you rescue someone, they decide they play some important part in it and claim a load of glory for being a pain in the backside?"
"I do not know friend, but it grows tiresome."
The two gazed at each other with a new understanding. It was as if they were the same person, with the same worries, the same heroic qualities, and the same flowing blonde locks. They shouldn't fight, they were too much alike.
"I'm sick of being bossed around by that bimbo Zelda. Where does she get off anyway? I only helped her coz I thought she fancied me, and then she nicked my ocarina and sent me back in time as soon as I'd done all the work for her. Sure, it left the whole thing open for a sequel, but it really ticked me off."
"I used to quite like the hobbits, but lately they've become unbearable; most of my elven family have taken to running away across the sea to escape the hobbit egos which far outsize their bodies. I have had enough."
"Maybe we should teach the lot of them a lesson" Link looked intently at Legolas. I'm not suggesting anything violent of course, just a bit of payback for all the years of hard graft that has gone unappreciated."
"Perhaps you are right." Legolas returned the gaze. It sounded like a good plan, even if he was a bit confused about the exact meaning of "Pay-back"
***
In another area of the forest, Frodo Baggins was sitting with his loyal follower Sam under a large oak tree, looking shocked and incredibly vulnerable. This was because he had just tripped over some non-existent obstacle on his way to lunch (which was sausages today), managing to drop his consequently unused sword and simultaneously stare at Sam with what can only be called puppy-dog eyes. Sam was sat worriedly next to him, simply because he couldn't bring himself to be further than two feet away from Frodo at any given time.
"Mr. Frodo, Mr. Frodo!!!!!" Sam was, as always concerned about the delicate hobbit. "Mr. Frodo, are you alright?"
Frodo's digitally-enhanced blue eyes seemed to take over his face as he bravely replied; "I....... I think I shall be fine, my dear Sam. Only...... Only I don't think I will be able to chew my sausages."
"Don't you worry about that Mr. Frodo. I'll chew em up for you, you see if I don't. As long as you don't mind a bit of Gamgee spittle they'll taste just as good as if you chewed em yourself."
Frodo smiled weakly, and took hold of his loyal skivvies' hand. "Ah Sam, what would I do without you?" He pulled himself to his rarely used feet and leaned on Sam's shoulder.
What would I do without you Mr. Frodo, Sam thought to himself with a pained smile. You'll never know what you really mean to me.
The two of them continued on their way towards The Clearing where they always met the other hobbits for lunch. They didn't know it, but there was far more in store for the hobbits that day than sausages.
***
Back in Hyrule, a rather impatient Princess Zelda stood in the regimented and plain grounds of a castle. She had waited all morning, but her floppy-haired dogs-body still hadn't arrived. She needed him to kill an otherwise immortal and altogether evil creature in one of the regions of her Kingdom, spectacularly freeing the put-upon inhabitants forever, and then shunt him off somewhere else leaving her to claim the glory. It was an unbeatable formula, and since it was clear the ponce fancied her she could get him to do it as many times as she wanted. This morning however, he hadn't turned up. She turned to the rather butch handmaiden that was stood vacantly staring across the courtyard. She had taken more than her usual amount of steroids that morning, and it was making her feel a little light headed.
"Impa, where in Din's name is Link?"
The attendant scratched at her crotch for a minute, contemplating the question.
"I don't know my Lady." She flexed her impressive biceps casually, looking down at the slight form of her mistress "But if you need someone bumping off, I'd be more than happy to oblige."
"You are a loyal subject, my dear Impa, but this requires the skills of a trained archer." Besides, she didn't want Impa to think there was anything more to their relationship than a master-servant one. Ever since Impa had split up with her girlfriend she seemed to be showing increasing interest in Zelda, and it was starting to worry her. "I must find him Impa, this problem cannot wait." Besides, she didn't like being stood up, especially not by a skirt-wearing fairy-boy. She had her horse saddled and brought to the main gate and, declining Impa's offer of riding together, mounted the stereotypically white and docile filly.
"I will search the Kingdom until I find him" She rather enjoyed being over-dramatic "I do not know when I will return."
With that she spurred the horse into a canter and sped out of the gate into the land of Hyrule. Impa stood tearfully at the drawbridge, waving until the silhouette of the mounted princess disappeared over the hill. One day Zelda would realise she could not cope without her, one day her time would come....
***
Sam and Frodo had managed to stumble their way down to the river near the clearing, but there was no sign of any of the other Hobbits, or indeed of lunch.
"Where could they be Mr. Frodo?" Sam fumed "They can't possibly expect you to wait for your luncheon. Why you'll fade away into nothing unless you get some sausages inside you soon, that you will."
"That's OK Sam" Frodo said in the most martyr-like way he could, and gazed weakly up at Sam with his ever growing eyes. He let go of Sam's shoulder and walked down to the waters edge. He didn't feel like sausages today anyway, it was all they ever seemed to eat and it was getting a bit boring.
Sam joined him on the banks of the river and looked downstream. There was something a little odd about it today, there was a kind of unearthly stillness that was disturbing. Sam knew all about unearthly stillness, as his mind seemed to be in that state a lot of the time.
"Mr. Frodo, something aint right and no mistake." He turned to his master anxiously.
"Oh Sam, you have an over-active imagination. I'm sure it's nothing." Of course, there is a mystical law that dictates that whenever someone says "I'm sure it's nothing" something to contradict this statement will inevitably happen. This instance was no exception.
At that moment the still-mounted form of Zelda was carried down the river on a supernatural swell of water, her well-trained horse managing to tread water and stop her rider from being unseated as the current pulled them towards the shore. Unlike Link, Zelda had worked out pretty rapidly what had happened, when she discovered an obviously strange and new river on her land, also realising that where there was something strange, there was usually Link. She had therefore ridden her horse into the water and let her and her charge be carried along. She knew it wouldn't be long until she arrived wherever Link had gone, all she had to do was wait to be dumped somewhere. And dumped she was, right on the bank where two startled hobbits were standing.
A curious event then took place, one which changed the history of the two worlds forever. As Zelda was thrown off the back of her horse and onto the grass, the hobbits were, quite reasonably, trying to get out of the way so as not to get squashed by her. However, Frodo was not at his best in any situation that required him to move, and as Sam tugged at his arm in his doting manner urging Frodo into some kind of action, Frodo panicked. He drew his small blade in a distracted way, not intending to use it at all, but wishing to look like he was making some kind of an effort. As Zelda's helpless body was flung towards him, Frodo did the only thing he was confident in doing. He fell over. The bright, surreal body of Zelda was catapulted onto the small earthy one of Frodo, but bizarrely he wasn't crushed by her. As they collided, a great electric charge ran through them both, lighting up the wood with it's light. As Zelda was in fact a computer character, and Frodo a mythical creature from a book, a barrier that should never be taken lightly was crossed. The electric charge that all computer characters have as a result of living in a computerised world flowed from Zelda into the papery body of the little hobbit, engulfing him. However, it was soon clear that the after effects would be more than just frizzy hair. In fact, as Frodo had frizzy hair anyway, it wouldn't have made much difference in that respect, but that's by the by. As Sam watched, horrified by what was happening and incredibly fearful for the life of his master, the two seemed to merge into one body.
"Mr. Frodo!!!" Cried Sam in an anguished manner "Mr. Frodo what's happening to you?" The pair were buzzing with white electricity, Sam couldn't see what was happening anymore as the light radiating away was too bright. They weren't moving, and he was beginning to worry that his beloved master was dead. He didn't know who the harlot was, but if she was still alive she was going to answer to him. He raised his fists in an unfortunately quite endearing way, and formed what he hoped was a glare.
The light started to fade from the still form that lay on the ground in front of him. As Sam watched, it started to move, to stand up in fact, but what it was he couldn't tell.
"Oh, Mr. Frodo, where are you? What has that witch done to you?" He was quite overcome now. He couldn't bare thinking about what he'd do without Frodo to trail devotedly after. But what slowly stood up from the ground to face him, was neither Frodo nor Zelda. It had the characteristically huge eyes of Frodo, in fact they took up the majority of it's face except for a tiny mouth tucked in underneath. The feet also were incredibly large and hairy like Frodo's, but the body was that of a tall, slender woman, the hair that grew on it's angular head was long and straight, and it was made up of shockingly bright and imposing colours. All in all, it was a little bit strange.
'Mr. Frodo, what has she done to you?" Sam fell on his knees in front of the disturbing thing. His Frodo was gone, what if he never came back again?
"There is no Frodo any more" The voice that issued from the mouth was a combination of a breathy, terrified sounding hobbit, and a bossy, high-pitched girl. "From now on Zelda and Frodo are one, we are.......ZELDO!!!!!"
"Zeldo?" Sam looked dubious 'Are you sure that's the name what you want to go for?" It clearly didn't have the dramatic effect intended.
"Yes, minion, do not question the great power and might of Zeldo! We will rule this land, it will be ours!!!!! All will love us and despair!!!!!" Not another one, thought Sam. You'd think these corrupt power-hungry villains would find another place to try and dominate, enslave and ruin. Why did it always have to be middle earth? Still, he thought, it was probably best if he played along for now.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, in his most thespian way.
"That's better." Replied Zeldo.
***
Sam's scream carried to the wood where Link and Legolas were still stood, deep in conversation. They were talking about the best way to tame a horse, and it was quite a heated discussion.
"All you have to do is address the horse as an equal, it is a spirit of the forest, like us. If you ask it, it will gladly carry you anywhere you wish." Legolas explained.
"If you play it a tune it'll come pegging over, then all you have to do is jump on and smack it till it does what you want." Link articulately countered. They were unfortunately interrupted at this point by the raucous in the nearby clearing. It was obvious something was up, but it still took the pair quite a while to work this out. Legolas stood looking confusedly in the direction of the noise, accompanied by Link who drew his sword determinedly.
Good old Navi was there to lend a hand. "LINK!!! Theres somet......"
"Link, I believe there's something afoot in the clearing." Legolas swiftly intervened, in the hope that if he spoke loud enough he could drown out the whine of the fairy. 'Let's go check it out" said Link, in his most heroic manner. The elf nodded a reply, and they ran back down the trail into The Clearing together, not knowing what to expect, but up for a barney at any rate.
They burst into The Clearing dramatically, figuring that if there was going to be a big fight of some kind, they should show that they were professionals.
I wonder if it's Ganondorf, who somehow managed to break out of his supernatural bonds, track me down in the hope of a fiendish revenge, the bulk of which involves all the people from Hyrule, and a beautiful but helpless woman as bait?, thought Link.
Perhaps it is the evil Lord Sauron, who managed to forge another, identical One Ring before the original was destroyed, and has come back in the hope of enslaving middle earth and consequently ruining everything for some ever elusive reason, mused Legolas.
What actually met them on the banks of the river, was completely unexpected by both of them. Sam was on his knees looking up in what appeared to be bored despair, at the most malformed thing they had ever seen. It looked like a pair of giant eyes stuck on a very angular, and yellow head which was in turn connected to the slender and elegant body of a hideously colourful woman, with a pair of enormous and hairy feet stuck on the bottom for good measure. It was, all in all not unlike many of the creatures the pair of them had encountered before. It was customary in a situation like this however, to look as shocked, determined and confused as they could, and this is exactly what they did. Link opened his mouth in a hugely theatrical way, automatically bringing his shield forward to guard his body, but also flourishing his sword in a demonstratory manner, in case the monster decided to try something funny during this little demonstration. Legolas was a little more productive in these sorts of situations, and quickly assessed what had happened. The feet were obviously those of a Hobbit, and the eyes of the monster were so abnormally large and blue they could realistically only belong to one person.
"Tis some sort of mutated form of Frodo." He cleverly asserted, drawing his bow as he did whenever anything of significance happened.
Link observed the familiar colours of home, the angular, not quite real dimensions of the body and the long, yellow hair of the monster, and eventually worked out something else.
"It's Zelda as well! I wonder how she got here? And how she somehow managed to combine with that guy you were talking about?"
Navi tried to help, screeching into Links ear;
"LINK!!!! Maybe Zelda discovered the ridiculously suspicious new river that somehow appeared on her lands, realised that you were nowhere in Hyrule, and made the logical connection" She offered, helpfully. A little too helpfully. This wasn't like Navi at all, and Link didn't like it.
"Yeah Navi, that would make sense" Taking out his hookshot, he grabbed the fairy and pinned her to the ground with the end of his sword. "Who are you working for, you traitor?!"
Navi squirmed under the point of the sword, trying to escape, but for once she couldn't do it. There was only one way she knew that would ensure her freedom.
'LINK!!!! HEY, HEY HEY LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Arrrrrrgh!!!!" Link dropped his sword and shield and covered his assaulted ears, Legolas similarly letting go of his bow in order to protect his own vulnerable ears. The bone-shattering screaming was too much, even for the hero of time to take. Navi flew into the air quickly, before either of them could recover, and giggled as she rose out of harms way. "I wondered how long it would be until you worked it out LINK!!!! But then, I didn't expect a miracle, you're not exactly the brightest button in the box are you?" She sniggered contemptuously and flew over to Zeldo.
"I thought you might guess something was up when your pathetically loyal horse threw you into the river, but no, it took you until now to work it out."
"Why, Navi? Why would you want to betray me?" He stopped midflow, and thought for a minute.
"Hang on, what is it you've actually done? I haven't faced a life-threatening situation yet."
"HEY!!!! Let me carry on with my story!!!!" Navi wailed especially loudly, forcing Link to retreat under his shield with his fingers jammed into his ears.
"When all the sages banished Ganondorf to the spiritual realm, I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. All he did was destroy the happy and prosperous land of Hyrule for his own selfish gain, kidnap the princess, and try and claim the Triforce so that he would be all-powerful. I mean, who wouldn't feel sympathy for the guy?"
OK.....thought Link, I knew she was annoying but I didn't know she was crazy as well. He exchanged a look with Legolas, who had been getting more and more lost by what was being said. Navi, it seemed, had decided to make the fatal mistake that all crazy villains do. She was going to tell them the exact nature of her plan, thereby offering them some way to foil her plan, kill her and save the world. Genius.
"So, I snuck off after you had been sent back in time and found a way of communicating with Ganondorf. I wanted to help him, and as the person closest to you I knew I'd be able to carry out his revenge. I considered the options; poison your potions, replace your underwater tunic with a normal one and so drown you, smother you in your sleep, or come up with a situation from which you could easily emerge victorious, and looking even more heroic and virtuous than before, and leaving me to be punished duly for my insolence. It was an easy choice" She looked smug, at least as smug as an airborne glowing blob can look.
"When you went on your daily tour of the kingdom, I knew that as usual you would canter up to some bit of river and make Epona rear on her back legs in your unimaginative style. Using the power that Ganondorf transferred to me, I made this bridge between worlds."
"Why couldn't you use it to free Ganondorf, surely that's the same sort of thing?" Link observed. Navi shook angrily.
"It's not the same sort of thing at all........I....it's a glitch in the story, OK? Anyway, When Epona reared on her back legs, I secretly flew out of your tunic and tickled her belly. This made her throw you off her back and into my river. Of course, what I wanted to happen to you happened to Zelda instead." She turned and looked at the odd figure that was trying to use its enormous eyes to glare at Link and Legolas, but there was just too much of them and it only succeeded in looking constipated.
"I had already been down this river to investigate, and the only thing I encountered were frogs. What I thought would happen was LINK would combine with a frog, so becoming helpless and end up stuck here. I didn't count on blondie here turning up and becoming your boyfriend." She sneered at the two, although if she had stopped to assess matters she would have discovered that in the scheme of things, she was a little out-numbered, and out-sized. Link wasn't thinking about this however, he was finding more faults in her tyrannical rant.
"But if Zelda collided with Frodo, causing them to combine to become..."
"ZELDOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed the monster, wanting as all monsters do, to be the centre of attention.
'Yeah, Zeldo" Replied Link, ignoring the play for attention, "Then how come me and Legolas didn't become some mutated lump of gorgeousness when I took him out coming down the river."
Navi fortunately had this one covered
"Well LINK!!!!" He winced "It seems that you and Legless here are genetically identical. It's the only way something from a book world and something from a computer world can resist being combined. It has to be a living organism, like a mammal or reptile, plants won't do it, and it has to have a different genetic code." She had lost Link long ago, but Legolas was already there.
"That means we're.......twins!!!!" He grabbed the startled form of Link and embraced him emotionally "My Brother.....Now we must issue this glowing minx with.....pay-back?"
"You're darn tooting" Replied Link, finally grasping what Navi had said. "Come on bro, lets take her out, and not for a curry! We can have a family reunion later." He stood up and faced Navi. "All the years we've been friends Navi, we saved Hyrule together! How could you betray me like this?!" He re-sheathed his blade and took out his bow and an arrow, charging it with ice as he took aim. "If you're a lump of ice you won't be able to run away." He held the arrow there, facing one of his oldest friends who in turn faced him. He couldn't do it. He couldn't kill Navi. He lowered the weapon and his eyes.
" I......I can't shoot you Navi, I don't betray my friends."
As Link choked on his words Legolas looked on, aghast. There was nothing he could do; if he touched her he would be instantly melded into one with her. The only thing he could do would be to shoot her, and that hadn't worked earlier. What could he do?
Throughout this entire episode Sam had sat on the grass unnoticed, slowly growing more and more angry by what the malicious little fairy had done to his Frodo. He listened with great interest to what she had said about the two worlds combining, and a simple plan formed in his simple head. Quietly, so as not to raise attention to his presence, he crawled down to the edge of the river. The frogs had assembled again, after their rude upheaval by Legolas, and then by the startling form of a woman on horseback. The horse was there too, eating the grass and looking a bewildering shade of spotless white.
"I best not get too close to her," thought Sam, casting a suspicious eye over the mare, "I might get turned into something.....unnatural." Instead, he grabbed a frog, who was likely to die of shock after all the events of that day, and sneaked back to the scene of the action. Navi was issuing a standard crazed villain laugh, and Link had his head in his hands, his bow forgotten on the ground.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Shrieked Navi "I knew you wouldn't be able to do it, you big blonde wimp!!!! MWAHAHAHA!" Sam didn't like her tone, it wasn't polite to talk to someone in that manner, especially that poor gentleman who'd clearly had a bad enough day as it was. He crept up behind her demonic, pink form and hurled the indignant frog at her. As the two collided, a huge bolt of white electricity formed around the two small figures and their individual forms were lost in the glare. Collectively, they fell to the ground still consumed by energy. Eventually, the light subsided and a single creature was left standing on the ground.
"My wings, my beautiful wings!!!!" Navi half-sobbed, half-croaked as she looked down at her new body. Her iridescent fairy wings were gone, in their place were a pair of long, green, slimy frog legs and she no longer glowed with a supernatural light. She was in fact, a blob on legs.
"Navi, what's happened to you?" Link looked at her in horror, somehow managing to conceal his, justifiable, amusement.
"Well done Sam!" Legolas applauded "He realised that Navi would be mutated into something else if she was combined with a creature of this world!" Sam blushed modestly, he had always had a bit of a crush on the handsome elf.
"Yeah, nice one Sam, she won't be able to flit off so easily now." Link smiled weakly at the little hobbit. It was almost too much for him to bear, and he sat down giggling embarrassedly, turning a bright shade of red. Link turned to Legolas
"I still can't do it bro, I can't bring myself to hurt her. You'll have to do it for me. Now she's combined with a frog you shouldn't be combined if you touch her." Legolas felt for Link, and nodded solemnly at him.
"Perhaps if we can capture her we may be able to reform her yet." He drew his blades and faced the pitiful new form of Navi. "Now you shall pay for the sorrow you have caused my brother to feel." He lunged at Navi, but with her new frog legs she was almost as slippery as before. With each stab of Legolas' blade, she jumped into the air, escaping all of his attacks. It was a bizarre sight, a proud elven warrior chasing the deranged psycho fairy-frog. At last he gave up, and Navi collapsed exhausted on the floor with her legs spread out in front of her. An odd thing seemed to be happening to her, the classic inner struggle of conscience in fact.
"LINK!!! It's me, LINK!!! Please help me, the spirit of Ganondorf has taken control of my body!!! No, LINK!!!! I am Navi and I am going to KILL YOU! Please LINK!!!! Help me, I tried to resist but I couldn't!!!"
Legolas and Link looked at each other. It seemed the combining of Navi with the frog had forced the unwanted and previously hidden spirit of Ganondorf to the surface, thereby revealing the true nature of events and allowing Navi to redeem herself somewhat. They were getting good at this.
"Ganondorf? How did you get inside Navi? How do I know it's really you, and not just Navi trying to escape a gruesome and undignified death?"
The fairy-frog hopped jerkily over to Link, now going eagerly, now trying to run away. "It is him LINK, activate the triforce!!!! No, you don't want to do that LINK, it'll just waste valuable whooping time!!!!" Man, thought Link, even as Ganondorf she still has that same grating voice. But the point about the triforce was pretty good. He held out his hand in a "vogue" style pose, which was of course the only way of activating the triforce. A pyramid comprising three gold triangles appeared on the back of his hand, and as he watched the hand of Zeldo was lit up in a similar fashion. He turned to the fairy-frog that was still writhing on the ground, and sure enough the gold emblem of the Hyrulian royal family lit up the little pink form.
"Ganondorf, it is you!!" Link shouted "What have you done to my fairy?!" The voice that issued forth from the forlorn little blob was now entirely one of an evil maniac, with a hint of a frog's croak lingering in the background. "What does it look like you fool, I've taken over her feeble little body!!! I will wreak my revenge, but I can't do it in this form. Although she's apparently indestructible, she's also weak and incredibly annoying. No matter, I will find a new body."
The blob on legs hopped in as much of an evil manner as it could muster, travelling quickly across the glade to the still present form of Zeldo, who was incidentally sulking because no-one was paying it any attention. Jumping lightly onto the mutant's shoulder, the proud villain's voice rang clearly across the Clearing.
"ZELDO, I hereby take possession of your body and it's contents, claiming full control and operation of motion, senses and thought, to be returned at my discretion, with one years free insurance, warranty and full written details on request." He yelled threateningly, and cackled in a menacing, yet also quite camp way.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Link, Legolas and Sam shouted in dutiful unison. As they watched, Navi's body became limp and fell to the ground, motionless. The eyes of Zeldo seemed to widen even further, the hands twitched at it's sides and the breathing became laboured.
"Navi!" Link ran up to the poor little fairy-frog, and picked her up carefully. "Navi, don't be dead dude!!!!" He sobbed, prodding her hard with one finger in the hope that it would somehow revive her. There was nothing.
"Navi....."
No, how could Navi be dead, all the times that they'd been partners, all the times she'd been threatened with death, she couldn't be dead now, she just couldn't. He sat with the limp form of his friend in his hands, unable to see through his tears. He didn't see the little body move with the effort of drawing a breath, or hear the weak little "ribbit", until Legolas came running over.
"Link, look! She's alive!"
Link looked up quickly, and watched in disbelief as the delicate shape writhed gingerly.
"Link.....I'm sorry.....He was too strong...."
"Navi!!! You're alright!!! Man, you really are indestructible." He wiped away his tears hurriedly and placed his friend carefully on the grass. How could he have let Legolas see him cry? He'd think he was a right wimp now.
"It's OK, Navi, don't worry about it. Just get better, OK?" Link was so relieved, and really quite exhausted. This sure had been a day for emotions, he could do with a nice red potion to revive him a bit. But first he had to deal with Zeldo, and prove to Legolas that he wasn't a big girls blouse, he was just in touch with his feminine side. In situations like these, a good butt-kicking seemed the best solution to all his problems.
As the newly taken-over figure of Zeldo became more animated, it also realised something. As just the combined form of Zelda and Frodo, it really couldn't have achieved world domination. Since both of them had always relied on other people to achieve their goals for them, it would have been a case of all talk, no trousers. But now that Ganondorf had joined them, they might actually get something done. It was an exciting and new prospect.
"ZelDoDorf shall be my new name!" It screeched in order to detract attention away from the touchingly emotional scene in front of it. "And now Link, I shall finally be able to KILL YOU!!!!!" It roared, and produced from within the folds of it's dress a weapon what looked like a combination of a small woodwind instrument and a long, light sword. It was an odd piece of equipment but it was all it had, so it had to make do.
"I shall destroy you, Link, and your similarly over-achieving, handsome and heroic brother. Prepare to fight!" It flourished the weapon, which in a way was quite threatening, and also caused a pleasant chorus of "London's burning" to issue forth. Taking up the offensive, it prepared itself to attack. Link and Legolas however were not quite sure how they should go about fighting this creature. Since the presence of Ganondorf in any form was obviously bad and a little irritating, it was clear that he had to be defeated. But the relatively innocent parties of Frodo and Zelda had to be protected somehow. What could they do?
"For now, let us simply defend, and see if there is a flaw in their defence that we can use to our advantage." Legolas suggested, drawing his blades.
"Good plan" Said Link "If we can figure out how to separate the two forms, the spirit of Ganondorf will have to find a new body. If we can simultaneously separate the two, force Ganondorf into the open, and find a way of returning him to the spiritual realm, we'll be sorted. For now, we'll just have to hope for the best." He took the old Hyrulian shield from his back, and took the defensive position. Side by side, they watched as ZelDoDorf approached.
What happened next was unsettling to say the least. The mutant lunged forward awkwardly, glaring ineptly with it's huge eyes, the long sword whistling a chorus of "Danny boy" in an aggressive and provoking manner. Summoning all it's strength, which wasn't a lot if you remember that is was in fact just Zelda and Frodo shoved together, it swung the sword limp-wristedly at Link, hitting the shield with an altogether unimpressive ping. The frustrated voice of Ganondorf screamed in dismay, and lunged instead at Legolas. The same thing happened again, except the chorus of "Danny boy" was replaced menacingly by "Three blind mice". Legolas blocked the feeble blow almost without thinking, and turned to Link, leaving the monster to it's angry rantings.
"Link, I don't think Ganondorf poses a huge threat in this form. We have to think of a way of separating the bodies, and capturing the fiend."
Link stood and thought for a while. He wasn't used to it and it hurt, but he persevered. In her current state, Navi wouldn't be much help, he thought, glancing over at the quiet little creature that was lying pitifully on the grass. He had to come up with something. There had to be something, some catalyst that caused the reaction to escalate to a merging of the forms, other than the fact that they were from different worlds. Idly blocking the prods that for ZelDoDorf served as vicious jabs, he thought back to what evil Navi had told him. The only thing in middle earth she had seen on her preliminary visit was the river, that was the vital link between their worlds. He thought harder, as ZelDoDorf gave up on him and started slicing the air in front of a confused Legolas. When Zelda combined with Frodo, she had just come out of the river, she would have been soaking wet. And the frog that combined with Navi had just been usurped from it's lily pad on the river, it would have been wet as well. That was it!
"It's water, that's what causes the mutations!" Link yelled to Legolas urgently, incredibly proud and somewhat stunned that he had worked it out for himself. "If we can get ZelDoDorf into the river, the process should be reversed, Zelda and Frodo will separate, and Ganondorf will be exposed!" He felt light-headed as he was overwhelmed with the significance of what he had done, and cast a hand through his beloved curtains in celebration. He had actually figured out what to do.
"Brilliant Link! Getting it into the river shouldn't be too taxing" Legolas shouted back, and, before it could retaliate, or more realistically run away, he grabbed ZelDoDorf and carried him over to the water. As it struggled and pulled cattily at Legolas' locks (it was after all part Zelda), ZelDoDorf was surprised to find itself dropped decisively into the river. Immediately there was a huge flash of electric light which spread from the writhing form and shivered out through the entirety of the river, and the monster's form was lost in the glare. The three on the bank watched warily as slowly the light began to diminish, and they squinted to see what would be left. Sam clapped his hands together and let out a cry of joy.
"Mr. Frodo, you're back!" he squealed. And indeed he was. Sat ungracefully among the weeds and mud of the river were two shaken people, looking slightly soggy and very relieved.
"Oh Sam," Frodo sighed, looking up at his dear companion, "I'm so happy that's over." Sam stumbled into the mud to help out his beloved master, taking him tenderly by the hand and gazing, overjoyed, into those huge eyes.
"I thought I'd lost you forever, that I did Mr. Frodo. "
"Sam, you could never lose me." Frodo gazed back with a gentle smile.
"After sharing a body with a girl I finally know where I belong. We shall never be parted again, my dear Sam." He smiled at his now deliriously happy servant, weakly squeezing the rough hand that held his.
"Mr. Frodo....I....I love you" Sam uttered, finally managing to say what he had been keeping concealed for so long.
"Come on Sam, let's go home" Frodo replied breathily. He nodded his thanks to Link and Legolas, and hand in hand two tired but contented hobbits walked back through the woods together, happily heading for the Land of Slash (where I hand over to other writers who have altogether more twisted minds than mine).
After watching their departure somewhat misty eyed, Link composed himself enough to remember Zelda was still sat in the river. Wiping away a stray tear, he clambered down the bank, anxious that she would be alright. Sure, she ordered him around like she did her butch maidservant, but he knew that deep down she was really quite fond of him (and obviously fancied him; after all, everyone in Hyrule did).
"Zelda, are you alright?" He offered her his arm and pulled her to her feet.
"I.... Yes, I'm fine Link. But Ganondorf, where has he gone? We must stop him!" Link rolled his eyes. He knew that "We must stop him" really meant "You, go challenge, fight and vanquish the evil man, while I look pretty and helpless, and come back at the end to claim praise and glory". It wasn't going to work this time. Not now he could answer back.
"You know what Zeldy," He put an arm around her rather shocked body and led her to the bank of the river, "Why don't you do something for a change, hmm? Why don't I stand here and squeak with despair while you go fight flipping Ganondorf?" Zelda was shocked into silence. She really didn't like this new articulate Link.
"What? I......"
"I know you can handle a sword, you've had years of practising with that hemale attendant of yours" As they alighted on the shore he pinched her cheeks in an altogether too patronising way for her liking.
"Go on Zeldy, do it for me?" He fluttered his eyelashes in an uncannily similar way to her on many past occasions and clasped his hands together behind his back, smiling coyly. She was furious, and a little pleased. She kinda liked this assertive side of Link.
"How dare you ridicule me in such a way! I have helped you many times in battle!!! I am the Princess of destiny...."
"Drop it sister, it won't wash with me anymore." He turned his back on her and walked over to Legolas, extremely pleased with himself and put his hand in the air for a high five. Legolas looked at his opened hand confusedly. Did he want something? He picked up the nearest thing to hand and gave it to Link.
"Ah man, that totally ruined my victory." Link hissed under his breath, painfully aware that Zelda was stood behind him, smirking at his brothers lack of "cred". At that moment the thing in his hand squirmed slimly. It looked decidedly angry, and a tad constipated.
"Link, look what your bumbling attempts at killing me have reduced me to! Your arch-enemy has become..... a frog." It tried to glare in a dignified way at his adversary, but just managed to look bug eyed, and even more constipated. All of a sudden it gave up trying, and spontaneously burst into tears.
"I give up, OK? I flipping well give up. You just won't die, will you? You big, blonde.... good-looking....kinda sexy..." L
Link looked at the frog chastisingly. "Look, we discussed this OK? No slash."
"Sorry." It cleared it's throat and tried again "I mean, You disgustingly valiant and morally incorruptible idiot! Why won't you just DIE!" As it resumed it's sobbing the three other parties exchanged looks.
"Link, this is your arch-nemesis?" Legolas tossed his hair smugly "Sauron might have been a giant eye, but he at least he didn't have a human side you can sympathise with. How are the audience expected to really hate him if they can feel sorry for him?"
"You're right Legolas. He used to be so.....tough. But now look at him." He shook his head and looked at Zelda, who was finding herself more and more attracted by this new, assertive Link by the minute. She liked her men to be in control.
"What are you going to do with him?" She simpered, finally taking the feeble female part that she should have long ago.
"Don't worry your little head about it." He winked at her, assuming the all-women-are-pathetic-and-stupid-and-need-to-be-spoken-to-very-loudly-and-slowly tact. "He's only a frog. I don't see what damage he could possibly do in this form. Besides, this story is long enough as it is, without another fight scene." He picked up Ganondorf the frog and lobbed him into the river, where he landed with a splash. Link walked over to Navi and kneeled down.
"Time to turn you back" He said, wincing at the implications of what he had just said. It was so peaceful with her confined to hopping, no unpleasant buzzing around his face, or yelling "HEY!!" in his ears. Maybe he didn't have to change her back at all....
Too late, as he was pondering a quiet life, Legolas picked up the fairy and took her down to the river. Healing is what we elves do best, after looking impossibly handsome of course, he thought to himself. It seemed only fair that he was the one to change her back, and he hadn't really done anything important in this story for a while. He placed her carefully in a shallow pool of the river, and stepped back as the transformation took place. What emerged from the glow was as energetic, overbearing and loud as before.
"HEY!!!!" She screamed at Legolas, flying an inch away from his face. "You saved me, thanks!" She flew over to Link, who jammed his fingers in his ears in preparation. 'LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M BACK!!!"
"What have you done?' Link looked up in horror at Legolas, who fell on his knees in despair.
"I am sorry brother, she's....she's even worse than before."
As they gazed at each other with a growing feeling of dread, Zelda came up to Link and smiled in a persuasive way. "Come Link, now the battle is over.....let us return home. Home, where you belong."
Ey up, he thought to himself. This sounds familiar. But it's not going to work again.
"No Zeldy my dear. It's time for YOU to go home, and you can take that flipping fairy with you. I have had enough!!!!" Without taking time to think it through, he grabbed the fairy and flung her into Zelda's arms.
"Go on, naff off." He said with relish. He plonked her onto the back of her mare, and smacked it on it's rump, sending it careering into the river.
"Link, what are you doing? You belong with me, in Hyrule!"
"I don't think so babe!" He lifted a hand in salute, waving in an hugely exaggerated, but still quite satisfying way. Zelda and Navi screamed angrily as the horse was swept down the river, and out of middle earth forever.
There was silence on the bank. Finally, thought Link, some peace and quiet. Legolas looked at him, cocking his head in a bemused way.
"What happens now, Link?" He asked, furrowing his brow in a manner carefully engineered to cause a thousand women to swoon.
"Since Slash is banned, Twin-cest is out of the question…" Link turned to him, looking incredibly determined, although he had no more of a clue than Legolas. "You know what bro?" He finally decided. "I don't care. Let's go and take a holiday or something. I'm not going back to Hyrule, certainly not for a while at least."
"Shouldn't we try and find out how it is possible that we are twins, even though we come from different dimensions? And how it was you came to be able to talk?" Legolas replied
"Nah, I shouldn't worry about that." Link said "The writer never came up with a reason for that anyway, and as for me talking, that was just a device that she used in order to make the plot easier. Let's just go somewhere, anywhere. This Clearing's getting boring." Legolas turned to run out of the glade, but Link stopped him hastily.
"Er....maybe we should just walk." He said. A little bewildered, but happy to oblige, Legolas walked out of the glade, followed by a finally happy Link.
***
In the empty silence of The Clearing, a single form crept out of the water and onto the motionless grass. Stopping to look around it cautiously, it croaked. The croak became a snigger. The snigger grew to a laugh. After quickly checking that there was really no-one around to hear it, the frog burst into full evil guffawing.
"YOU HAVE UNDERESTIMATED ME AGAIN LINK!!!!! AND IT WILL BE YOUR DOOM......"