Disclaimer: Wheee!! Me happy, me no own this! Me no happy no more.

Narrator: So… I'm back. Good, really, I need some Galleons to erm, support my… um, habit. Faberge eggs habit, that is. I mean, back in the 80s I was buying nine or ten eggs a day. And then one day my Mum stopped giving me money to buy 'em. That was the wake up-

Mr. Foo-foo: Me 'an the other hybrid stuffed animals wanna hear the friggin' story, not your stupid life story!!

Narrator: Ah, oookkkaaayyy… I never knew stuffed animals could talk. Sure, Aunt Myrtle swore they could but she also said Elvis lived on Mars and she was really a pur-

Mr. Foo-Foo: Can somebody please tell me why the author got this blathering idiot to tell the story?!

Me: 'Cause I ran out of funds, also known as money. I am now living a life of voluntary simplicity in which I must beg morons to tell my stories… Damn lack of money… CURSE YOU, EVIL PARENT-CREATURES!!!! However, I'll be nice and tell the story from now on. So Remus was a playa…

***

"Mwahahaha! I gots my bitches, I gots my pimpmobile. I'm the biggest playa in the whole damn hood!" Remus yelled. Sirius and James whimpered from underneath the large pile of baggy clothes covering them. Sirius coughed, almost choking on a big ole platinum and diamond man-symbol pendant.

"Baby, that's my man-pendant! Get your own mojo, you unsexy bitches!" A short man dressed in a red velvet suit declared, wrenching the pendant out of Sirius' mouth and disappearing in a flash of green peace-symbol colored smoke. Yeah baby. Peace, drugs, and 24/7 NON-STOP SHAGGING!!!!

"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!" James yelled in terror. Sirius merely turned to his friend and said, "That guy is my hero." He then got up and ran downstairs screaming, "Secret agent maaaaan, secret agent maaan…"

Remus muttered angrily, mumbling something about uncooperative hooker-slash-friends. He shook his head and pulling his droopy elephant pants up and began the highly dangerous trek downstairs in ten-sizes too big pants. James slowly dragged himself up from underneath the Pile of Smother-Inducing Clothes.

"Why me?" He asked to his empty dorm-room. His four-poster merely shrugged its headboard. James rubbed his eyes and backed out of the room, muttering, "No more LSD flavored butterbeer for me."

Meanwhile, in the Gyffie's local hangout Lily was pacing in circles, slowly going lower and lower as her hole in the stone floor deepened. Peter was huddled in the fireplace, which unfortunately was unlit.

A nice toasty fire would have quickly solved all future problems concerning Rat-boy. Darn student protection acts.

Anyway… Lily was quietly whispering (redundancy, yay!) to herself her Spanking-New, Freshly Baked Plan! Whee, time for more Lily-induced violence.

Suddenly a really loud bell rang, causing a large stampede in which Filch was trampled and a small blue pixie paralyzed from the wings down as students ran to the Great Hall for an exquisite twenty-three course feast for lunch. Ooey-gooey choco goodness.

Lily snarled in frustration as she clambered out of her pit and ran downstairs, happily looking forward to her soon-to-happen Most Embarrassing Moment! Nancy style.

Arriving in the hall, she flipped her hair behind her back and flashed her psychotic You're-In-For-Lots-Of-Pain smile at the room. Everyone in the room gasped and scrambling backwards, trying to hide behind Dumbledore's very long beard. Unfortunately he was already cowering behind it, which meant everyone else had to stand and watch the blood bath that was about to happen.

"Popcorn! Get yer popcorn!" A random Slytherin cried out, throwing a bag of popcorn across the room, blinding Professor Twitchy-Rabbit-Ears in the process.

"MY POOR, INNOCENT EYES!!!!"

Lily smirked and walked toward a cowering Nancy Snape. Nancy gasped as Lily stopped in front of him. She grinned for a minute, before saying, "So Nancy. I hear you're really a girl. How 'bout I test that little theory out?" Nancy shook his head frantically and backed away, tripping over his chair.

"It's in the name of science, y'know." With these oh-so-innocent-yet-very-foreshadowing words Lily drew her foot back and… began to jig happily.

No, actually she kicked him in the Bleep. I'd tell you what but it's a highly censorable word. Needless to say, Nancy never was able to have kids after that little incident.

And I was looking forward to the little grease-balls running around Hogwarts. Oh well.

Quite predictably Nancy screamed, like well, a little girl with a broken Barbie. Everyone in the Great Hall giggled, happy they hadn't provoked The Wrath Of Lily Evans. Lily curtsied.

Gasping for air, Nancy crawled across the floor to the Marauders and pulled out his wand- Not that wand, you perverts!! Wincing, he stood up and said, "Cheerleaderitis."

The Marauders screamed as their robes changed into green and silver miniskirts topped with tight sweaters. Green pompoms glued themselves to their hands. James mouthed wordlessly, turned to Nancy and began to beat him with his pompoms.

"Green's so, like, not, like, my color!" Sirius wailed. "It, like, makes me, like, look fat!"

"Yeah baby! You're some sexy bitches!" Mr. International Man of Mystery cried from his black-lit corner. A girl pouted and burst into tears. "You're sexy too, sex-kitten." He hastily said.

Sirius blushed happily and began to do cartwheels, screaming, "Hey Snapey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Snapey!" The other Marauders sighed before beginning to wave their pompoms.

Remus said, "This skirt makes my calves look big." James nodded in agreement.

"Honsetly, he coulda at least made our outfits red 'n' gold."