Disclaimer: Once, along time ago, I was the true inventor of Harry Potter.
Then JK got me drunk, and weaseled it outta me. Now I'm just poor and
reduced to fanfics ::sobs:: Oh, what the hell, JUST KIDDING!
Me: (wild Snoopy dancing) I got a new narrator! Woo!! Remember Pookie, the toilet cleaner's assistant's assistant? Yeah he got fired, and I got 'em. Yay. But if he starts mumbling about attacking Mr. Hankie, ignore him. (Walks off, and grabs a small house-elf, shoving some papers at it.)
Pookie: Mistress says Pookie should read this paper. Pookie wishes to say it is a good story and should be reviewed (A.N.- how's that for shameless begging?!) and that that bloody bastard Mr. Hankie-
Me: Okay, sorry 'bout that. (Grins sheepishly and smacks Pookie upside his head) I guess I'll be the narrator again..
** The months flew by (quite literally; November even waved) on their way to their once-a-millenium vacation to Vegas. It was now December, the student's favorite time of year, because of Quidditch season (and it was much easier to get illegal booze from Hogsmeade, but nobody ever actually said that).
James being the cute little jock-boy he was, was the Wank- er, Chaser for Gryffindor. Of course, the only reason he did it was because if he flew high enough he could see down certain. um, articles of clothing to certain body parts.
How's that for vagueness? I'll just insert a nice ole equation here: horny teenager + lots of height = free views of girls' chests. Poor, corrupted Jamsie.
It's just wrong when an innocent boy is suckered into hormonal rampages like that. (snickers)
So anyway, all this rambling amounts to (wait for it) . THE FIRST QUIDDITCH GAME OF THE SEASON!!!!
"IT'S QUIDDITCH, BABY. YOU WANT IT, YOU NEDD IT, IT'S LIKE SEX, BUT WITHOUT THE MORNING AFTER!!" Sirius screeched from the Gryffindor stands. "IT'S FUN, EXCITING, STIMULATING. HELL IT'S A BLOODY TURN-ON FOR PEOPLE."
From her seat in the teacher's stands, McGonagall fainted, and was promptly attacked by a rampaging pink elephant. She was saved, unfortunately, by Dumbledore transfiguring it into a lollipop.
"Yummy. elephant flavored."
Back in the Gryffie section, Sirius was clutching his broomstick (God, not that way! I'll have you know it was a Nimbus 500, new, shiny, and nice and hard ) tightly, a gleeful expression on his face.
"Man, Sirius, will you put that thing up?" Remus grumbled. "You're gonna put somebody's eye out."
Sirius turned to his friend, accidentally pushing Peter off the stands with its end, making him plummet to his death a few hundred feet below.
"Ah fuck, now who're we gonna get to do our homework for us?" Sirius muttered sadly. He appeared to have forgotten about his broomstick in the recent tragedy that was the Death of The Marauder's Homework-Doer.
"Uh. Lily." Remus answered.
"Nah, she'd probably go all psycho-" He stopped as somebody whirled him around.
"Um. hiya, Lily, best friend of mine." Sirius said sweetly.
Lily cackled evilly.
** "Holy fucking hell, I didn't know a broom could even fit that far up that!!" Silent Bob, the narrator, screeched. "Geez, man, that was just sick. Really, that couldn't be legal."
Dumbledore stood up and bellowed, "YES! Go Gryffindor, it's your birthday." He proceeded to tear his robes off, leaving him clothed only in a bright red g-string with a gold lion on it.
The lion roared.
In the Slytherin stands, a few girls screamed happily and jumped off their seats, rampaging toward the teacher's stands.
"God, he is soo hot!" One screamed.
Unfortunately for everyone's favorite Slytherin (okay, second favorite, since Lucius Malfoy is sex on a walking stick) he was overheard muttering, "He's hot?! What the fuck is that?"
A few days later Nancy was laid to rest underneath a tombstone which read "Here lies Nancy. we mean, Severus. Snape, who was unfortunately killed in a freak accident involving screaming Dumbledore groupies'.
And the Marauder's were scarred for life, because without an arch-evil guy there was no point in living.
Then they went to a bar, got drunk, met a girl named Sugar Titsqueak, and promptly forgot about Snapikins.
But that's a different story. (Not really, but melodramatic, ain't it?)
So anyway, back at the game.
"Fuck, man, that's some fucked up shit!" Jay, the new narrator (Silent Bob had to leave to help a girl named Bethany on a journey of, um, self discovery). "The fucking Gryffindors just won the fucking game! Fuck yeah, man. WILD FUCKING ORGY BACK AT THE FUCKING GRYFFIE COMMON ROOM!"
Dumbledore jumped out of the teacher's stands, sending half naked groupies flying.
"God, I wish I was Dumbledore." Sirius said to Remus.
Remus just nodded and chased after the Headmaster.
"Y'know, I never truly realized the irony of Dumbledore being called 'the Headmaster' until know." Lily said wheezily.
Sirius turned to look at her and nearly fell over.
"Uh, Lily? Where'd your shirt go?"
Lily merely grinned mischievously. A few yards in front of them, Dumbledore waved a ripped gold and red t-shirt over his head.
"Fucking hell Lily, that's your bloody shirt! What will Jamsie say?!!"
"Lucky Lily, probably."
Sirius turned to his friend and screamed. "Oh my God, James. I'm best friends with a. a. poofter!!"
A.N. That was screwed up, even for my standards. Hehe. Review. I just might be able to get g-string Dumbledore to come dance for you. (Oh, bad mental images.) Other stuff will be updated soon, I swear.
Me: (wild Snoopy dancing) I got a new narrator! Woo!! Remember Pookie, the toilet cleaner's assistant's assistant? Yeah he got fired, and I got 'em. Yay. But if he starts mumbling about attacking Mr. Hankie, ignore him. (Walks off, and grabs a small house-elf, shoving some papers at it.)
Pookie: Mistress says Pookie should read this paper. Pookie wishes to say it is a good story and should be reviewed (A.N.- how's that for shameless begging?!) and that that bloody bastard Mr. Hankie-
Me: Okay, sorry 'bout that. (Grins sheepishly and smacks Pookie upside his head) I guess I'll be the narrator again..
** The months flew by (quite literally; November even waved) on their way to their once-a-millenium vacation to Vegas. It was now December, the student's favorite time of year, because of Quidditch season (and it was much easier to get illegal booze from Hogsmeade, but nobody ever actually said that).
James being the cute little jock-boy he was, was the Wank- er, Chaser for Gryffindor. Of course, the only reason he did it was because if he flew high enough he could see down certain. um, articles of clothing to certain body parts.
How's that for vagueness? I'll just insert a nice ole equation here: horny teenager + lots of height = free views of girls' chests. Poor, corrupted Jamsie.
It's just wrong when an innocent boy is suckered into hormonal rampages like that. (snickers)
So anyway, all this rambling amounts to (wait for it) . THE FIRST QUIDDITCH GAME OF THE SEASON!!!!
"IT'S QUIDDITCH, BABY. YOU WANT IT, YOU NEDD IT, IT'S LIKE SEX, BUT WITHOUT THE MORNING AFTER!!" Sirius screeched from the Gryffindor stands. "IT'S FUN, EXCITING, STIMULATING. HELL IT'S A BLOODY TURN-ON FOR PEOPLE."
From her seat in the teacher's stands, McGonagall fainted, and was promptly attacked by a rampaging pink elephant. She was saved, unfortunately, by Dumbledore transfiguring it into a lollipop.
"Yummy. elephant flavored."
Back in the Gryffie section, Sirius was clutching his broomstick (God, not that way! I'll have you know it was a Nimbus 500, new, shiny, and nice and hard ) tightly, a gleeful expression on his face.
"Man, Sirius, will you put that thing up?" Remus grumbled. "You're gonna put somebody's eye out."
Sirius turned to his friend, accidentally pushing Peter off the stands with its end, making him plummet to his death a few hundred feet below.
"Ah fuck, now who're we gonna get to do our homework for us?" Sirius muttered sadly. He appeared to have forgotten about his broomstick in the recent tragedy that was the Death of The Marauder's Homework-Doer.
"Uh. Lily." Remus answered.
"Nah, she'd probably go all psycho-" He stopped as somebody whirled him around.
"Um. hiya, Lily, best friend of mine." Sirius said sweetly.
Lily cackled evilly.
** "Holy fucking hell, I didn't know a broom could even fit that far up that!!" Silent Bob, the narrator, screeched. "Geez, man, that was just sick. Really, that couldn't be legal."
Dumbledore stood up and bellowed, "YES! Go Gryffindor, it's your birthday." He proceeded to tear his robes off, leaving him clothed only in a bright red g-string with a gold lion on it.
The lion roared.
In the Slytherin stands, a few girls screamed happily and jumped off their seats, rampaging toward the teacher's stands.
"God, he is soo hot!" One screamed.
Unfortunately for everyone's favorite Slytherin (okay, second favorite, since Lucius Malfoy is sex on a walking stick) he was overheard muttering, "He's hot?! What the fuck is that?"
A few days later Nancy was laid to rest underneath a tombstone which read "Here lies Nancy. we mean, Severus. Snape, who was unfortunately killed in a freak accident involving screaming Dumbledore groupies'.
And the Marauder's were scarred for life, because without an arch-evil guy there was no point in living.
Then they went to a bar, got drunk, met a girl named Sugar Titsqueak, and promptly forgot about Snapikins.
But that's a different story. (Not really, but melodramatic, ain't it?)
So anyway, back at the game.
"Fuck, man, that's some fucked up shit!" Jay, the new narrator (Silent Bob had to leave to help a girl named Bethany on a journey of, um, self discovery). "The fucking Gryffindors just won the fucking game! Fuck yeah, man. WILD FUCKING ORGY BACK AT THE FUCKING GRYFFIE COMMON ROOM!"
Dumbledore jumped out of the teacher's stands, sending half naked groupies flying.
"God, I wish I was Dumbledore." Sirius said to Remus.
Remus just nodded and chased after the Headmaster.
"Y'know, I never truly realized the irony of Dumbledore being called 'the Headmaster' until know." Lily said wheezily.
Sirius turned to look at her and nearly fell over.
"Uh, Lily? Where'd your shirt go?"
Lily merely grinned mischievously. A few yards in front of them, Dumbledore waved a ripped gold and red t-shirt over his head.
"Fucking hell Lily, that's your bloody shirt! What will Jamsie say?!!"
"Lucky Lily, probably."
Sirius turned to his friend and screamed. "Oh my God, James. I'm best friends with a. a. poofter!!"
A.N. That was screwed up, even for my standards. Hehe. Review. I just might be able to get g-string Dumbledore to come dance for you. (Oh, bad mental images.) Other stuff will be updated soon, I swear.