Chapter 5

2003

Spike stared at the box. He was scared to death, a feeling he certainly wasn't used to. He had only felt this way twice before. The first was when Dru was taken by the mob in Prague. The second time was the day Cassandra was born. Now, the feeling settled in his gut, and every time he looked at the box, it got worse. He knew that opening that box would be like cursing himself with a soul, among other things. He would feel guilt for the things he'd done, suffer for his past wrongdoings. The pain he got from the chip was nothing compared to the pain the curse would send on him.

The probability of survival wasn't all that great for a mortal. Vampires had staked themselves before, just to end the pain. Spike closed his eyes. The curse lasted 24 hours. He had endured torture before, and he had worked to hard to let Dru's idea of a practical joke ruin the life he had finally gotten.

2002

Buffy slid into the kitchen chair across from Spike, casting a quick glance at the kitchen door. She had no doubts that the rest of the gang was trying to listen in on the conversation.

"How long have you known?" Spike asked, his voice quiet, his eyes were still red from crying.

"Almost a day. And it's been one hell of a day."

"I shouldn't have said those things to you earlier." He said, and it was obvious that he was mentally beating himself up for it, "I don't have a right to--"

"Spike, don't. You apologized already, and I won't let you punish yourself for a reaction that really wasn't all that unpredictable." Buffy said, taking his hand and running her thumb over his fingers, "Besides, I'm starting to get used to the idea, and you should, too."

"You mean...you want me to be a part of its life?"

"Of course." She whispered. The pause that followed was full of unasked questions that just couldn't be answered, so she took a deep breath, "I love you."

"Do you mean that, though?" He said, his voice cold around the edges, "Or are you trying to convince yourself to make having this baby seem easier?"

Buffy took her hand away from his, and he immediately regretted saying anything. She fidgeted with her hands in her lap, "Spike, I've tried not to feel anything for you, except maybe hate. But I can't hate you, because when I felt like I was still dead you made me feel alive. You make me feel, period. And because of you I went on living in the world instead of just going through the motions. I know I sound like some made for TV movie, but it's true."

Spike looked away, "So you don't hate me. That doesn't equal love, Buffy."

"No, but I started to respect you, Spike. Then I actually started liking you. LIKING, for God's sake. I got scared, because I didn't understand how I could like someone who should be my sworn enemy." Buffy took a breath, and studied his face for a moment, "So I went to Tarah to find out if maybe something was wrong with me, like you said in that alley. When there wasn't I had to start facing the fact that maybe you had changed, and maybe I was falling for you.

"I fought my feelings harder than I've fought ANTHING. But when you love someone, it doesn't just go away. You should know that as well as anyone."

Spike stood up and moved around the table to her, pulling her to him in a crushing hug. Her arms circled his slender waist under his duster and she leaned her cheek against his chest.

"I love you, Slayer. You're a strange bird. But I love you."

Buffy laughed through tears that were beginning to gather at the corners of her eyes, "Leave it to you to turn a serious moment into a joke." She wiped at the tears, "All this crying can not be good for my skin."

Spike smiled and kissed a tear away, "Then stop crying." He murmured, and lowered his lips to hers.

2003

Buffy sighed, a far off look on her face, "He surprised us all that day."

"Yeah." Willow agreed with a smirk, "Spike cried. I saw Spike cry when Dru dumped him. But I think he was more or less crying because his pride was hurt. When he showed up at the house that day...wow."

"Almost human, right?"

"Exactly."

Buffy took her coffee mug to the sink, and then checked on Cassandra, who was sleeping peacefully in her carrier. "Then the next night, he shocked us all again."

2002

The Bronze was packed the next night, and the entire Scooby Gang had decided to come and dance the worries away, just for one night as a stress reliever from the past two days. Anya and Xander were on the dance floor already, while Tarah and Willow went on a drink run. Buffy hung her jacket on the back of a chair and smiled over at Spike, weighed down with everyone else's jackets. He dropped them in a chair.

"Since when did I become coat lackey?" He muttered, shrugging off his duster.

"Since I'm in my delicate condition and can't handle the carrying."

Spike rolled his eyes and tugged lightly on the strap of her tank top, "You're full of it."

"Duh." She retorted, wrapping one arm around his waist and leaning into him, "Wanna dance?"

"But I thought you were too delicate?"


"Shut up. Come on. Please?"

Spike smiled as the music slowed down and Buffy tugged him to the dance floor. "You know," he said as they began to sway to the music and he fiddled with her tank top strap again, "You won't be able to wear these skimpy little outfits for long."

"Yeah, I know." She sighed with a mock-pout, "Will you still love me when I'm the size of the Goodyear blimp?"

Spike's eyes were serious as he bent and brushed his lips against her ear, "Always."

Buffy looked up at him for a moment, and then buried her face in his neck, breathing in his scent. Nicotine, peppermint, and leather mixed with cologne. She placed gentle kisses on his neck until he growled low in his throat.

"I'll drag you out of here if I have to." He warned and she smiled and leaned her cheek on his shoulder.

Find me here
speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
I find peace again

Willow nudged Tarah as they waited for the tray of drinks, and pointed over at Buffy and Spike on the dance floor. Tarah smiled, "They look good together don't they?"

"Yeah." Willow whispered, "It's gonna be hard for them."

"They can deal, though. Spike hasn't taken his eyes off Buffy since last night. He loves her, anyone can see that."

Willow frowned a little, "Tarah?"

"What?"

"I just wanted to apologize. Again. For screwing everything up between us."

Tarah shook her head, "It's OK, Willow. You're getting better, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but--"

"That's enough for me."

You are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this

Spike tilted Buffy's chin so she was looking up at him, "Do me a favor, luv?"

"What is it?"

"Trust me."

Buffy's eyebrows came together in a frown, "Trust you?"

"You said once that you would never trust me. Has that changed?"

"Yes," she whispered, "I trust you, Spike. I just have to. I don't know why I suddenly do. Something in me just tells me to have faith in you."

Spike kissed her gently then said, "I guess we've turned into a normal couple."

"Not normal. Never normal." Buffy said it with a smile, which surprised Spike a little. She ran her fingers through his hair; "Normal isn't even in my vocabulary anymore."

Spike held her closer and breathed in the scent of her shampoo, looking over her shoulder, "They're back with the drinks."

Buffy stepped away from him reluctantly and they headed back to the table.

You calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away

Everyone sipped their drinks (Spike added blood to his from the flask in his jacket) and talked around the table, mostly about Xander and Anya's wedding.


"What colors have you decided on for the wedding party?" Willow asked, stirring her ice.

"You, Buffy, and Tarah will be wearing light yellow and Dawn's going to wear pink because I decided to make her my maid of honor."

"Really? She never mentioned anything to me." Buffy said.

"I haven't asked her yet. But in the past few weeks since she started working off her…debt at the magic shop, we've been talking a lot and I think it would be nice. I like her." Anya paused, "She's a lot older than I thought."

Spike leaned over to Buffy, "I'm going to ask you something, and it would help if you said yes."

"That depends on what you're asking."

"I want to marry you."

Buffy froze, her drink halfway to her lips. She set the glass down with a clink and looked at him, "You what?"

"I shouldn't have said anything. Never mind."

"No. You can't just "never mind" a proposal." Buffy whispered, "That's like…I don't know what it's like but you can't do it!"

She got up, grabbed her jacket, excused herself for some air and hurried out of the club. Spike mumbled an excuse and followed her.

"Why did you leave?" He demanded, finding her leaning against the outside of the building.

"You just proposed to me!"

"I know."

"In the Bronze!"

"I know."

"With EVERYONE there!"

"I know, Slayer. But I just…I used bad judgment. Big surprise. But I was going to ask you anyway, didn't really matter where."

"Vampires don't get married."

"This one does."

"You can't! You can't do the church thing, because holy water WILL be involved. A wedding just won't work."

"Then we won't have a wedding." He insisted, "If we have to we can go to a Justice if the Peace and do it that way. But I want…I don't know what I want."

Buffy sagged against the wall, "Spike, I'm yours, whether it's legally binding or not."

He turned and looked at her, "Maybe I'm getting a bloody soul, because I'm turning into a sentimental poof."

She giggled, "That's not so bad, though."

Spike smirked, "Angelus'd be laughing his bloody arse off if he could see me now."

Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck, "Do you want to marry me? For real?"

"Forever, pet."

Buffy shook her head, "You really are a strange vampire."

He smirked then took her mouth in a passionate kiss. She returned it full-force, leaning into the embrace hungrily. This was what she wanted, and she finally had it at her fingertips.

Would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all I want
you are all I need
you are everything
everything

And how can I
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this