Okay, Here we go. Another happy chapter! This chapter is chock full of pork bashing, violence, Profanity, stupidity, and, because I love you, SHIRTLESSNESS!
Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter Characters, or The Subway Sandwich Company.
Oh yeah random Caps and all that loveliness.
~!@#$%^&*(~!@#$%^&*~!@#$%^&*(~!@#$%^&~!@#$%^&*(~!@#$%^&*~!@#$%^&~
Beatings, Cursing, and Partial Nudity
Snape grabs Malfoy's shoulders and shakes him in an attempt to calm him. And says, surprise, surprise, "Draco, Calm Down!"
Draco stops squirming and muttering unintelligibly. He blinks dimly and says, "Professor, you've got to get back in here YOU'VE GOT TO!!!! It's Horrible!" he says through stifled sobs.
"Draco, What on earth is the problem?" Snape says, clearly rather alarmed.
"My Father's come! You have to save me! He's MAD!"
The Narrator wonders if he means mad as in angry or mad as in crazy. She also wonders whether or not she would like to be witness to such displays. But it seems that while the narrator was pondering, Snape had been convinced to go back into Dumbledore's office and is hurrying to keep up with Draco who seems to have been possessed by a jackrabbit and is moving incredibly fast. Not wanting to be left behind, the Narrator hops quickly in order to catch up with them.
When the Narrator reaches the room, she was met with a sight that will haunt her nightmares forever. Harry Potter, in all his sexy glory, was still tied to a chair. The crowd of bystanders had lessened greatly, the only remaining people were, Fred and George, Oliver Wood, Ron, and the Creevey Brothers. The Narrator Supposes that these people are in some way relevant to the plot and dismisses the change. Wormtail seemed to be asleep in what Voldemort had deemed "The Evil Corner". Voldemort was even sitting back in Dumbledore's Desk (The narrator would like to take this opportunity to indignantly cry out, "The AUDACITY!") and watching what he seemed to think were the "Festivities". Snape stands beside Voldemort, Draco huddles in a corner, And Lucius Malfoy is standing on a cabinet against the back wall yelling obscenities and wearing, Mother of God, A coat made of every kind of pork product imaginable.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! WE'VE GOT YOU NOW YOU STUPID LITTLE DOG-STUFFER!!!!!!!!!" dog stuffer? How horrid. That was uncalled for, Lucy. But Lucius doesn't seem to notice anyone except Harry. Harry is shaking with insane rage. The Narrator will do her best to refrain from commenting on how incredibly HOT Harry is when he's angry and attempt to keep to the rapidly unfolding plot.
Harry seems to have regained some of his compusure. "Damn you, Ham. Lucius, if I were you I would get that lunchmeat and other bits of dead hog out of my face. Right now." He says dangerously. The Narrator wipes some drool from her mouth and continues to narrate.
"And what if he doesn't, Harry?" Says the Dark Lord coolly.
"Yeah, what if I don't?" Said Lucius stupidly.
Harry looks over at the narrator. What? Are those birds, I see? He Winks, and nods at Snape. The Narrator looks over at Snape, who looks back at the Narrator meaningfully. The Narrator takes this to indicate that she should execute the plan she spoke of out in the hall. The only problem is, since Draco came and interrupted our brainstorming session, There are still a few kinks to work out. Like that I'm tied up.
Suddenly there is a stir from the diminished crowd of innocents. From behind Fred, George, and Oliver Wood, (The good looking ones that the narrator had earlier placed in the front by mentioning them first) emerges Colin Creevey. And in a triumphant flash, He finally does something right. He pulls out his wand and screams piercingly, "REDUCTO!"
Thankfully, this does not blow a hole straight through the dear narrator, but does cut her bindings. I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now to execute my plan.
"Oh no you don't!" Yells Voldemort
Oh yes. Yes I do. COLIN! GET HARRY!
Another earsplitting rendition of the Reductor Curse and Harry is emancipated from his bonds. He Springs like a bat out of hell at the blond man in the pork coat who is perched atop a filing cabinet. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH!" Screams Harry.
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screams Lucius. Harry Proceeds to attack and overpower this sorry excuse for a grown man, and not just a grown man, a grown wizard. The fuckin loser has a WAND for Christ sake! Oh, wait, not anymore, Harry has seized it and is using it to give Lucius a few extra appendages. And what is the Dark Lord doing during all this? He is Jabbing wormtail with a broom handle and yelling for him to wake up. He does wake up, but as The slimey little git is looking blearily around the room, The Narrator heroically Leaps upon Voldemort And begins clawing at his face.
Apparently, this whole thing was not such a good idea, because it only seemed to aggravate the Dark Lord. He pulled out his wand And bellows, "Avada Kedavra!"
The Narrator Stops clawing at Voldemort's Eyeballs and slumps over. Stone Dead.
Just Kidding! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Suckers!
What really happened is much better. The Narrator Grabs a lovely inscribed candelabra (That reads. "Dear Albus, Happy 100th birthday. I had a Wonderful time last night. Love Effie." The narrator Shudders) And Hits dear old Voldy over the head with it. He is knocked unconscious.
Tired from her epic battle the narrator Stumbles into a corner to rest and narrate the lovely goings-on.
Harry is still tearing Lucius to pieces. The Creevy Brothers are now assisting him. Whoa, look at 'em go, folks. "Squash that Ham, Harry! Mash those Gonads, Dennis! The Narrator pauses and Waits for Male Readers to finish cringing. Okay.
And, Ladies and Gentlemen, In the other corner, Oliver Wood Has Removed his shirt and is beating the crap out of Snape. I guess he's still bitter about the time Snape gave the quidditch field over to the Slytherin team. Ha Ha Snapey. We mustn't reveal your treachery. Heh Heh. Anyhow, Oliver's muscles are working as he Slams Snape into a wall. Oh yeah. But I Can't Betray My Dear Harry!
Harry looks up From the Bacon he was Throttling, "Huh?" Oh now you notice me? Well, I say nothing. NOTHING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The narrator Regains her composure. Uh, Harry, That bacon looks like it may still be breathing.
"Ack!" Says Harry and returns to Strangulation of the poor bacon.
The Narrator Sulks for a moment before informing the readers of the doings of the Weasley brothers. They are beating on Wormtail. The Twins are Working the upper body while Ron is doing some fancy footwork on the lower body. Mostly the nether region. The Narrator Pauses for the Male readers again. On we go.
Oh, yeah, and Draco is still huddled in a corner, Clearly incapacitated.
It seems to this Narrator that we have come to a stalemate. I don't know what we will do When Voldemort wakes up, Because I can't fight and narrate at the same time. And I think My arm may be broken. Damn Dark lord.
Abruptly, somehow sensing the opportunity to add insult to injury, Voldemort snaps up and looks around. Seeing that the narrator is the only one unoccupied and since she is the one who gave him such a spectacular knot on his head, pulls out his wand and advances on the narrator. Before She even has a chance to launch into another piteous Soliloquy, The Dark lord, who, by the way is really REALLY ugly, (Hey, I'm about to die anyway, why not?) Opens his mouth to utter those most unforgivable words, "AVAD—"
Then, out of the blue, in the most magnificent demonstration of good luck this narrator has ever seen or has ever dared hope for, The Door Swings open and There Stands Dumbledore holding a bag Depictiong the Subway Logo.
Cheers, Albus.
~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*(&*()~!@#$%^&*()~!@#$%^&*(~@#*(Z!@#$&*()!@#$%^&*(~!@#$%^&!@#
Well, How was that. I just love cliffhangers. Review, darlings. And for all you Snape fans, I'm sorry I beat the shit out of him. I really just needed an excuse to get Oliver's shirt off. I mean, come on, You can't blame me. You'd do the same thing in my position. Oh, and I'd like to clarify the reason Oliver took his shirt off was so he wouldn't get it all sticky and sweaty as he was beating the shit out of Snape. Yeah, it's a stetch, but it all comes back to one question:
Can Ya Blame Me?
No. You Can't.
But you may all thank me for the Visual and shower me with praise.
I'm Rambling again. I'll Stop now.