+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What, no flames? ::cries:: Please! I will fall madly in love with any flamers! (Of course, considering most people on ff.net are girls, and most flamers are homophobes, they might not want me to fall madly in love with them...) Maybe I should up the action, have Padma sexually assault Mandy or something- then *someone* would flame me. ::thinks:: Erm... no.
Ookay, Hagrid belongs to Lisa who belongs to Padma who belongs to Mandy who belongs to Terry who belongs to Ivan who belongs to Morag who belongs to someone else, and they and everyone not mentioned all belong to the great and mighty JKR.
::bows to JKR:: Please don't hurt me!
JKR: I will not hurt you, grasshopper.
Me: I am no grasshopper! I am a slasher!
JKR: Ah, so you are. And so am I, or at least I am if you believe 'How I Suppressed My Inner Slasher.'
Me: You're supposed to be amusing the readers, not plugging fics that I didn't write!
JKR: Sorry. Okay, kids, this is slash. Not big, bad, yicky slash, just a girl with a crush on her ex-best friend, who also happens to be a girl. ::drifts off:: Slash is nice. And Neil likes slash too!
Me: Oh, your husband, right?
JKR: Yes! Also, this is not me, I did not actually say these things unless I did, in which case the author did not mean to say that she made them up, and I never told Elysa Mental anything, and she stole the idea of having a conversation with me from Emerald Rose, another slasher, who has also done her disclaimers in this amusing way. 'Kay?
Me: 'Kay! And I have a funny quote, from A Late Night Conversation by Eloria, which amused me because it reminded me of this fic. And it's not mine. Idiot.
""You ever, you know?" He arched a brow and Draco laughed.
"No! When would I have the time? And who with!"
"Well, there's always those rumors about some of the Ravenclaws, and-"
"Wait! What rumors?" Draco asked inquisitively, sitting up a little. Goyle immediately claimed the surrendered space with his sprawling form.
"Haven't you heard?" Vincent demanded. "Two 6th years were caught, in the library, smooching!"
"Two guys?" he exclaimed.
"No, two girls! I think one was Padma or something like that.""
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Excuse me," Padma said to Lisa in the library the next day. Lisa neglected to look up from her book.
"*Excuse me*," said Padma, in a much louder voice. Madam Pince glared at her and muttered something obscene, but Lisa didn't move.
"Hello?" Padma said.
Lisa said, very quietly, and without lifting her head from the book, "My mum is dead because of people like you and I don't want to speak to you again, not that I ever did before."
"Er?" Padma quavered.
"Muggle, she was," Lisa whispered. "Killed by former Death Eaters for a laugh when I was five. Not that you'd care- suppose you support that sort of thing, with what you said to Mandy Brocklehurst."
"*Oh*," Padma said, enlightenment finally dawning. "Look, Lisa- that isn't what it was about-"
"Oh, right, then," Lisa said, finally meeting Padma's eyes- her own were oddly jolting behind the spectacles- "What was it about then?"
"It was- I-" Padma cut herself off. "Look, it was nothing. I was just really upset that day and I took it out on her." She couldn't believe she'd almost told the other girl why she'd snapped at Mandy. She had to be more careful, really.
"Yes, those Muggles and Mudbloods are always there when you need to blow off some steam, aren't they?" Lisa returned to her book. "Kill them, rape them, call them nasty names- just a lovely way to get out your anger."
"Look, that *isn't what I meant*!" Padma shouted, quite a bit louder than she'd meant too. "It wasn't like that, all right? I was really upset about *her*- there was something I couldn't tell her!"
Madam Pince started toward her, eyes glowing red.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++After being banned from the library for the rest of the year, Padma realized that she still had to go talk to Lisa about the tutoring. She was not, of course, going to Granger. She had taken their House's one glory, and all the Ravenclaws hated her with a passion.
Although it was going to be rather hard to get Care of Magical Creatures help from a half-blood who thought she hated Muggles. Not to mention the fact that they wouldn't be able to study in the library. Maybe she should just give up...
No. She was a Ravenclaw, and if Lisa thought being kicked out of the library and accused of liking to murder Muggles was going to keep her from getting good grades, she just didn't know Padma Sapienta Patil.
That sounded good. She repeated it out loud. "She just didn't know Padma Sapienta Patil!"
Terry tapped her on the shoulder. "Padma, lovey? You all right?"
"All right?" Padma said. "Why wouldn't I be all right?"
"Because you're shouting about yourself in the third person past tense, and there's no one else in the room. D'you want me to do your History of Magic for you again?"
"No, Terry. I do not."
Terry looked mildly worried.
"By the way, d'you know where Lisa is?"
"Lisa? Oh, you mean Lisa Turpin? In our year?"
Padma hoped she never got that anonymous.
"I think I saw her heading to the Great Hall."
"Thank you, Terry. And don't call me lovey."
He shrugged and walked off, calling "And don't forget to ask me if you need any help with History of Magic!"
Padma turned and went toward the Great Hall, wondering what Lisa could possibly be doing there this late.
"Padma, wait! The common room is that way!" cried Morag.
"I'm going to the Great Hall."
"Dinner was an hour ago!"
"I know!"
"Padma, if you ever need to talk to me about anything-"
"Go away!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Lisa was sitting at the Ravenclaw table when Padma came in, just staring into space. Maybe she liked to do that and only could when the Great Hall was empty, Padma hypothesized. Poor thing. Maybe *she* was the one who shouldn't have to do Binns's essays.
"Excuse me?" Padma said.
Lisa jerked and looked up, and Padma thought she saw a glistening of something in her eye, although she couldn't tell whether it was moonlight or tears. "You can get arrested for stalking people, you know, Patil!"
"I'm *not* stalking you, Lisa. Really!"
Lisa glared. "Then what are you here for?"
"Well, actually I'm failing Care of Magical Creatures and Hagrid told me I had to go to you- or Granger- or drop it-"
"Drop it then, why don't you, and take up Muggle Studies- if you can bear it. Or- yes- why don't you go to Granger? You should be in Slytherin anyway, so you might as well not even try acting like a Ravenclaw. No, wait, she's a Mudblood, so you won't want to go to her. I suppose that's why you're here- at least I'm not *that* tainted!"
"Lisa!" Padma yelled. Her yell echoed very spookily, and both of them jumped. "I-don't-hate-Muggles, all right? And even if I did, you'll probably get extra credit for tutoring me or something. And *you're* the one who should be in Slytherin- at least *I* don't call everyone by their last name!"
"I don't *need* the extra credit, Patil."
"But you *want* it, don't you?" *Remember, Padma, she's a Ravenclaw just like you. Well, maybe not /just/ like you, but you get my drift.*
Lisa sighed, looking at her hands. "Fine. I'll tutor you. Meet me in the library tomorrow."
"I can't."
"Oh, you *can't*, can't you? Can't even go out of your way for a half- breed, can you?"
"Lisa, I'm banned from the library."
"All right then, the common room. If you must."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Right."
"Right."
They sat there staring at each other from their respective armchairs.
"Do you even *know* what we're studying?"
"Antipedian Opaleyes."
"You've got to keep the magical world safe from us but you haven't even got the intelligence to know the names of the creatures. It isn't Antipedian Opaleye, it's *Antipodean Opaleye.*"
"Sorry."
"You should be. They're considered the most beautiful type of dragon and they hardly ever eat people. Actually, I'm a bit surprised Professor Hagrid even had us read about them- they're not bloodthirsty at all, really. Just eat sheep, majorly."
Padma snickered under her breath. "Maybe he didn't know when he chose them."
"I doubt that greatly," Lisa said. "Just because someone's a half-giant doesn't mean they're stupid. In fact, some of us half-breeds know just a *bit* more than the rest of you."
Padma sighed. It was going to be a *long* night.
"And I suppose you don't know the other dragons we're studying as soon as we finish with the Opaleyes?"
"Erm. Chinese Fireball, right?"
"That one was in the Tournament, don't try to cheat."
"I *wasn't*." This, Padma realized, must be how Gryffindors felt around Professor Snape.
"Stop stalling."
Padma sighed again.
"Sighing won't help you if you don't know the answers."
"All right, all right- I don't know any others, although I probably did before you started bullying me."
"Ah, getting just a *taste* of your own medicine, are you, full-blood?"
"Look, are you helping me or not?"
"Fine. Fine, I'll help you." Lisa began to sing. "The dragons are the Common Welsh Green, which roars musically and is happy when sheep are near, the Hebridian Black, which has purple eyes and likes to eat deer, the Hungarian Horntail, which has bronze horns and is happy when humans are near, the Norwegian Ridgeback, which is rare and can breathe fire at a quarter of a year, the Peruvian Vipertooth, which flies fast and without fear, the Romanian Longhorn, which may soon disappear, the Swedish Short- Snout, which you will not find here, and the Ukrainian Ironbelly, which is heavy and treats people like beer."
Padma stared. "Why are you singing?"
"Because it's a song."
"There's a song about dragons?"
"I made it up."
"When?"
"When I was four."
"Why?"
"Because my mother couldn't remember the different dragons."
"Oh." Padma squirmed a bit. "Er, I'm sorry. That your mum died."
"She didn't *die*," Lisa said. "She was *murdered*."
"Sorry."
"You should be."
"What about we go up to bed and leave the studying till tomorrow?"
"Excellent idea. You're not so stupid after all."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Oookay, that was short again, but I don't *think* it was quite as bad as the last chapter. I meant to make Lisa really angsty and sad, but instead I made her like the guy in Rush Hour 2 when he's trying to distract the people at the casino- you know, where he starts going "You gave me a five thousand dollar chip because *you* thought a black guy wouldn't be able to pay!" I prefer her like this, though- much funnier.
Right. I took Padma's middle name from the word "sapient," which means "wise" or "smart." I took all the dragons' names from my trusty copy of Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them.
And now for a word from our sponsor (a.k.a. me):
When I did not yet have a userID on ff.net, I longed for people to know who I was, and I loved it when people whose stories I had reviewed put my name in their author's notes. And now I am being cruel and hypocritical, and not replying to people's reviews at all. ::shrugs:: So here I go...
Lapucia- You should have flamed me. If you like stories about Padma and Parvati you should go read Parvati, You Ditz! and Parvati's Song (oh, God, sooo funny!). Or Only, if you're into twincest, which I'm not- it majorly squicked me.
Me- You should have flamed me. Isn't 'Me' the name of most flamers? But you did not flame me. ::frowns and shakes finger:: And there *is* more- this is it.
black no. 1- You should have flamed me. I review much more badly than you- I tend to just say "Liked it," and leave it at that... Also, did you know that a really cool source of caffeine is Cappuchino Chip ice cream, found at an obscure little place in Truro, Cape Cod? Once I had it and stayed up till two in the morning- too bad the shop closed for the winter and is nowhere near me or I could have it in the morning.
Kimagure- You should have flamed me, because- ::bursts into tears:: I'm not worthy of your greatness! You- you wrote Spider Webs and Mischief, didn't you? And you- you said my fic was *cute*! ::cries really hard:: I'm-not- worthy!
Roise Noix- You should have flamed me. And Padma *is* entertaining, so there, even if she *was* mean to Ron! (I always think I'm at Sugarquill.)
Normandie M- You should have flamed me. But thanks.
Calypso- You should have flamed me. Thank you for being the person by whose link I discovered FictionAlleyPark. I hate the title; you are kind.
T- You should have flamed me. Don't fall off your Ravenclaw bed!
Dala- Why didn't you flame me? I *like* being flamed! I've always *wanted* to be flamed! ::cries:: Thank you for reviewing my story, though... ::considers saying "long live the sacred alliance" but will feel stupid if she does::
What, no flames? ::cries:: Please! I will fall madly in love with any flamers! (Of course, considering most people on ff.net are girls, and most flamers are homophobes, they might not want me to fall madly in love with them...) Maybe I should up the action, have Padma sexually assault Mandy or something- then *someone* would flame me. ::thinks:: Erm... no.
Ookay, Hagrid belongs to Lisa who belongs to Padma who belongs to Mandy who belongs to Terry who belongs to Ivan who belongs to Morag who belongs to someone else, and they and everyone not mentioned all belong to the great and mighty JKR.
::bows to JKR:: Please don't hurt me!
JKR: I will not hurt you, grasshopper.
Me: I am no grasshopper! I am a slasher!
JKR: Ah, so you are. And so am I, or at least I am if you believe 'How I Suppressed My Inner Slasher.'
Me: You're supposed to be amusing the readers, not plugging fics that I didn't write!
JKR: Sorry. Okay, kids, this is slash. Not big, bad, yicky slash, just a girl with a crush on her ex-best friend, who also happens to be a girl. ::drifts off:: Slash is nice. And Neil likes slash too!
Me: Oh, your husband, right?
JKR: Yes! Also, this is not me, I did not actually say these things unless I did, in which case the author did not mean to say that she made them up, and I never told Elysa Mental anything, and she stole the idea of having a conversation with me from Emerald Rose, another slasher, who has also done her disclaimers in this amusing way. 'Kay?
Me: 'Kay! And I have a funny quote, from A Late Night Conversation by Eloria, which amused me because it reminded me of this fic. And it's not mine. Idiot.
""You ever, you know?" He arched a brow and Draco laughed.
"No! When would I have the time? And who with!"
"Well, there's always those rumors about some of the Ravenclaws, and-"
"Wait! What rumors?" Draco asked inquisitively, sitting up a little. Goyle immediately claimed the surrendered space with his sprawling form.
"Haven't you heard?" Vincent demanded. "Two 6th years were caught, in the library, smooching!"
"Two guys?" he exclaimed.
"No, two girls! I think one was Padma or something like that.""
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Excuse me," Padma said to Lisa in the library the next day. Lisa neglected to look up from her book.
"*Excuse me*," said Padma, in a much louder voice. Madam Pince glared at her and muttered something obscene, but Lisa didn't move.
"Hello?" Padma said.
Lisa said, very quietly, and without lifting her head from the book, "My mum is dead because of people like you and I don't want to speak to you again, not that I ever did before."
"Er?" Padma quavered.
"Muggle, she was," Lisa whispered. "Killed by former Death Eaters for a laugh when I was five. Not that you'd care- suppose you support that sort of thing, with what you said to Mandy Brocklehurst."
"*Oh*," Padma said, enlightenment finally dawning. "Look, Lisa- that isn't what it was about-"
"Oh, right, then," Lisa said, finally meeting Padma's eyes- her own were oddly jolting behind the spectacles- "What was it about then?"
"It was- I-" Padma cut herself off. "Look, it was nothing. I was just really upset that day and I took it out on her." She couldn't believe she'd almost told the other girl why she'd snapped at Mandy. She had to be more careful, really.
"Yes, those Muggles and Mudbloods are always there when you need to blow off some steam, aren't they?" Lisa returned to her book. "Kill them, rape them, call them nasty names- just a lovely way to get out your anger."
"Look, that *isn't what I meant*!" Padma shouted, quite a bit louder than she'd meant too. "It wasn't like that, all right? I was really upset about *her*- there was something I couldn't tell her!"
Madam Pince started toward her, eyes glowing red.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++After being banned from the library for the rest of the year, Padma realized that she still had to go talk to Lisa about the tutoring. She was not, of course, going to Granger. She had taken their House's one glory, and all the Ravenclaws hated her with a passion.
Although it was going to be rather hard to get Care of Magical Creatures help from a half-blood who thought she hated Muggles. Not to mention the fact that they wouldn't be able to study in the library. Maybe she should just give up...
No. She was a Ravenclaw, and if Lisa thought being kicked out of the library and accused of liking to murder Muggles was going to keep her from getting good grades, she just didn't know Padma Sapienta Patil.
That sounded good. She repeated it out loud. "She just didn't know Padma Sapienta Patil!"
Terry tapped her on the shoulder. "Padma, lovey? You all right?"
"All right?" Padma said. "Why wouldn't I be all right?"
"Because you're shouting about yourself in the third person past tense, and there's no one else in the room. D'you want me to do your History of Magic for you again?"
"No, Terry. I do not."
Terry looked mildly worried.
"By the way, d'you know where Lisa is?"
"Lisa? Oh, you mean Lisa Turpin? In our year?"
Padma hoped she never got that anonymous.
"I think I saw her heading to the Great Hall."
"Thank you, Terry. And don't call me lovey."
He shrugged and walked off, calling "And don't forget to ask me if you need any help with History of Magic!"
Padma turned and went toward the Great Hall, wondering what Lisa could possibly be doing there this late.
"Padma, wait! The common room is that way!" cried Morag.
"I'm going to the Great Hall."
"Dinner was an hour ago!"
"I know!"
"Padma, if you ever need to talk to me about anything-"
"Go away!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Lisa was sitting at the Ravenclaw table when Padma came in, just staring into space. Maybe she liked to do that and only could when the Great Hall was empty, Padma hypothesized. Poor thing. Maybe *she* was the one who shouldn't have to do Binns's essays.
"Excuse me?" Padma said.
Lisa jerked and looked up, and Padma thought she saw a glistening of something in her eye, although she couldn't tell whether it was moonlight or tears. "You can get arrested for stalking people, you know, Patil!"
"I'm *not* stalking you, Lisa. Really!"
Lisa glared. "Then what are you here for?"
"Well, actually I'm failing Care of Magical Creatures and Hagrid told me I had to go to you- or Granger- or drop it-"
"Drop it then, why don't you, and take up Muggle Studies- if you can bear it. Or- yes- why don't you go to Granger? You should be in Slytherin anyway, so you might as well not even try acting like a Ravenclaw. No, wait, she's a Mudblood, so you won't want to go to her. I suppose that's why you're here- at least I'm not *that* tainted!"
"Lisa!" Padma yelled. Her yell echoed very spookily, and both of them jumped. "I-don't-hate-Muggles, all right? And even if I did, you'll probably get extra credit for tutoring me or something. And *you're* the one who should be in Slytherin- at least *I* don't call everyone by their last name!"
"I don't *need* the extra credit, Patil."
"But you *want* it, don't you?" *Remember, Padma, she's a Ravenclaw just like you. Well, maybe not /just/ like you, but you get my drift.*
Lisa sighed, looking at her hands. "Fine. I'll tutor you. Meet me in the library tomorrow."
"I can't."
"Oh, you *can't*, can't you? Can't even go out of your way for a half- breed, can you?"
"Lisa, I'm banned from the library."
"All right then, the common room. If you must."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Right."
"Right."
They sat there staring at each other from their respective armchairs.
"Do you even *know* what we're studying?"
"Antipedian Opaleyes."
"You've got to keep the magical world safe from us but you haven't even got the intelligence to know the names of the creatures. It isn't Antipedian Opaleye, it's *Antipodean Opaleye.*"
"Sorry."
"You should be. They're considered the most beautiful type of dragon and they hardly ever eat people. Actually, I'm a bit surprised Professor Hagrid even had us read about them- they're not bloodthirsty at all, really. Just eat sheep, majorly."
Padma snickered under her breath. "Maybe he didn't know when he chose them."
"I doubt that greatly," Lisa said. "Just because someone's a half-giant doesn't mean they're stupid. In fact, some of us half-breeds know just a *bit* more than the rest of you."
Padma sighed. It was going to be a *long* night.
"And I suppose you don't know the other dragons we're studying as soon as we finish with the Opaleyes?"
"Erm. Chinese Fireball, right?"
"That one was in the Tournament, don't try to cheat."
"I *wasn't*." This, Padma realized, must be how Gryffindors felt around Professor Snape.
"Stop stalling."
Padma sighed again.
"Sighing won't help you if you don't know the answers."
"All right, all right- I don't know any others, although I probably did before you started bullying me."
"Ah, getting just a *taste* of your own medicine, are you, full-blood?"
"Look, are you helping me or not?"
"Fine. Fine, I'll help you." Lisa began to sing. "The dragons are the Common Welsh Green, which roars musically and is happy when sheep are near, the Hebridian Black, which has purple eyes and likes to eat deer, the Hungarian Horntail, which has bronze horns and is happy when humans are near, the Norwegian Ridgeback, which is rare and can breathe fire at a quarter of a year, the Peruvian Vipertooth, which flies fast and without fear, the Romanian Longhorn, which may soon disappear, the Swedish Short- Snout, which you will not find here, and the Ukrainian Ironbelly, which is heavy and treats people like beer."
Padma stared. "Why are you singing?"
"Because it's a song."
"There's a song about dragons?"
"I made it up."
"When?"
"When I was four."
"Why?"
"Because my mother couldn't remember the different dragons."
"Oh." Padma squirmed a bit. "Er, I'm sorry. That your mum died."
"She didn't *die*," Lisa said. "She was *murdered*."
"Sorry."
"You should be."
"What about we go up to bed and leave the studying till tomorrow?"
"Excellent idea. You're not so stupid after all."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Oookay, that was short again, but I don't *think* it was quite as bad as the last chapter. I meant to make Lisa really angsty and sad, but instead I made her like the guy in Rush Hour 2 when he's trying to distract the people at the casino- you know, where he starts going "You gave me a five thousand dollar chip because *you* thought a black guy wouldn't be able to pay!" I prefer her like this, though- much funnier.
Right. I took Padma's middle name from the word "sapient," which means "wise" or "smart." I took all the dragons' names from my trusty copy of Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them.
And now for a word from our sponsor (a.k.a. me):
When I did not yet have a userID on ff.net, I longed for people to know who I was, and I loved it when people whose stories I had reviewed put my name in their author's notes. And now I am being cruel and hypocritical, and not replying to people's reviews at all. ::shrugs:: So here I go...
Lapucia- You should have flamed me. If you like stories about Padma and Parvati you should go read Parvati, You Ditz! and Parvati's Song (oh, God, sooo funny!). Or Only, if you're into twincest, which I'm not- it majorly squicked me.
Me- You should have flamed me. Isn't 'Me' the name of most flamers? But you did not flame me. ::frowns and shakes finger:: And there *is* more- this is it.
black no. 1- You should have flamed me. I review much more badly than you- I tend to just say "Liked it," and leave it at that... Also, did you know that a really cool source of caffeine is Cappuchino Chip ice cream, found at an obscure little place in Truro, Cape Cod? Once I had it and stayed up till two in the morning- too bad the shop closed for the winter and is nowhere near me or I could have it in the morning.
Kimagure- You should have flamed me, because- ::bursts into tears:: I'm not worthy of your greatness! You- you wrote Spider Webs and Mischief, didn't you? And you- you said my fic was *cute*! ::cries really hard:: I'm-not- worthy!
Roise Noix- You should have flamed me. And Padma *is* entertaining, so there, even if she *was* mean to Ron! (I always think I'm at Sugarquill.)
Normandie M- You should have flamed me. But thanks.
Calypso- You should have flamed me. Thank you for being the person by whose link I discovered FictionAlleyPark. I hate the title; you are kind.
T- You should have flamed me. Don't fall off your Ravenclaw bed!
Dala- Why didn't you flame me? I *like* being flamed! I've always *wanted* to be flamed! ::cries:: Thank you for reviewing my story, though... ::considers saying "long live the sacred alliance" but will feel stupid if she does::