Wait, what chapter is this? ::checks:: Six. Yay. I've been doing this for.. a while. Wow.
I decided that this fic wasn't funny enough and needed to be made more funny. So I made a list of funny things-
1. Pointlesssness.
2. Monty Python.
3. Dream sequences.
Thus, this chapter is a pointless Monty Python dream sequence. If you do not like Monty Python, or if you have a bizarre and unhealthy attachment to plot, then this is not the chapter for you. If you do not like slash, however, you are in luck, because this isn't a slash-focused chapter- apparently Padma finds defending oneself from a banana more distracting than Lisa's hair.
In other news: I was going up the stairs in school one day, and I happened to pass beside two populars exchanging greetings. As I did I heard one of them say "Hey, Mand," to the other. Parvati and Lavender do exist! Also, I am watching /Buffy/, which rocks. I have devoted my life to Willow's hair, clothes, expressions, and token-gay jokes, all of which never fail to fascinate me, despite the fact that token-gay jokes usually make me feel like banging my head against the proverbial wall. I've been told it's a psychological problem.
Oh, yes, and while the books belong to JKR, Jack belongs to me and Lavender. Monty Python belong to themselves, unless they've done something stupid like selling their souls to the devil- I wouldn't put it past them, really. Would you?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Padma shifted through a hazy land of dreams; the sort of place where snow stuck and there were a lot of topless dancers. It was a rather majestic place, that foggy land of dreams. Occasionally she wished she could stay there forever, although she wasn't sure what that said about her sexual morality.
"Wake up," someone yelled shrilly. "My brother's having an identity crisis!"
Padma jerked awake and shoved away the sleeper's bluriness that clouded her vision. Once it was gone she saw quite clearly- the Turpins, one despectacled and looking oddly vulnerable without them, the other sobbing into a handkerchief.
"What?" she inquired, rubbing her eyes. She disliked being removed from the land of dreams. Greatly.
"I /said/," Lisa repeated, trying and failing to adjust her glasses, "my brother's having an identity crisis. Says he never wanted to be a Hufflepuff."
"Oh," Padma said. "Well, Jack, if we- wait, how did he get into our common room?"
"I dunno," said Lisa, shrugging.
"Hmmm. Jack, being a Gryffindor is highly overrated. All they do is run around and get killed and stuff. It's much better to be loyal or smart, you live longer that way. Well, maybe not being loyal- or fair- or... no, wait, Hufflepuffs don't live very long either. But they're much better people, you know, and..."
"Shhhh!" Lisa hissed. "Listen!"
"You don't understand!" Jack whined brokenly. "I never wanted to be a Gryffindor either! I never wanted to go to Hogwarts! I wanted to be..."
"A Squib!" Padma offered, helpfully.
"A lumberjack!"
Suddenly a lot of Hufflepuffs jumped out from behind a sofa and started singing. Lisa winced.
"What is this madness?" Padma cried out in terror.
"Not madness, Patil," Lisa explained. "Monty Python."
"What shall we do?"
"I think we should go to Dumbledore. He'll know what to do."
"All right!"
And off they went.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Why are you walking that way?"
"What d'you mean, why am I walking this way? Are only pure-bloods allowed to-"
"It's a bit odd-"
"It is not. I always walk this way. You ought to see my father."
"Oh."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Professor McGonagall?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know where Professor Dumbledore is?"
"Oh... I do, as a matter of fact. Fell out the window quite some time ago."
"Perhaps I've got the layout of Hogwarts wrong, Professor, but I was under the impression that his office was on the first floor."
"You've got it wrong."
"Ah."
"While you're at it, though, could you take the body away?"
"I'm not dead yet!"
"I think you're dead. What do you think?"
"I think I'll go for a walk!"
"I think he's dead, Professor."
"Well, I don't. Look, he's quite alive."
"Oh, be quiet, Patil. He's dead, just look at him."
"Am not!"
"/Avada Kedavra!"
"......"
"You can take him now."
"Oh."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Where shall we put him?" Padma said uncomfortably, lugging the headmaster down the hall. "And why are you so calm about this?"
"I dunno."
"I wish you'd stop saying that."
"Well, I wish you'd stop doing that to your hair."
"Will you shut up about my hair!"
"And you keep disregarding your ethnicity."
"At least I don't /walk silly/!"
"I think he's getting away."
"You're just saying that to make me shut up. You're irritating and politically correct and you think you're smarter than other people because you're half-"
"/How dare you!/"
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right. But I think he got away."
"When danger reared its ugly head, brave Professor Dumbledore..."
"What?"
"It wasn't me."
"I'm tired."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++When Padma woke from her nap, Lisa was gone. A few hours later she located her outside the girls' toilet, telling Seamus that he needed to be brave.
"But they'll /laugh/ at me!" he said. "People always /laugh/ at me..."
"People only laugh because you're dead sexy and they're embarrassed," Lisa explained kindly.
"I am?"
"Well, according to a lot of people. I wouldn't know, myself, but I'm sure..."
"I was sure too! I thought Parvati would fix our relationship, not.... seduce Lavender!"
Padma stared.
"It's all right, it's all right," Lisa soothed, patting him on the back rather hard.
"Okay," he sniffled.
"Go back into the girls' toilet..."
"Okay." Seamus went back in. Then he came back out. An anvil landed on him.
"So much for sympathy," Lisa remarked. "Why don't we go see Professor Snape? McGonagall is in no state to banish a Monty Python takeover of the school."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Excuse us, Professor, but-"
"Potter, come at me with that cherry."
"We've done cherries, Professor."
"Five points from Gryffindor. Longbottom, come at me with the cherry."
"But we've done cherries!"
"Malfoy, have we done cherries?"
"Cherries, pomegranates, lemons, apples, oranges, pears, grapes, blueberries... yes, Professor."
"Right. So now we will do raspberries."
"We've done raspberries, Professor."
"Stop being such a know-it-all, Granger."
"Excuse me, Professor, but the school-"
"What about bananas?"
"-is being taken over by Monty Python, and personally I think it's the work of Death Eaters or aspiring-"
"Right. Weasley, come at me with that banana."
"Oh, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Right," Lisa said, pacing back and forth. She banged into a wall and wished she had her glasses. "We must do something about this."
"I don't know if we can."
"Of course we can. I personally think we ought to go to Brocklehurst and ask her what the attackers looked like. I'm sure they're behind this."
"Mmmm."
"She must know."
"I bet she doesn't," Padma said. "I personally don't think that anyone should be able to give supreme executive help just because some watery Slytherins threw a curse at-"
"Patil."
"I'm sorry."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"I can't believe this, Pomfrey! I can take the stupid hospital gown! I can take the ugly bedcurtains! But this- I will not stand for this!"
"Calm down, dear. You're very stressed."
"Excuse me- Mandy-"
"Help me, Padma! She's given me..."
"All I did was to give her a healthy breakfast."
"Spam, spam, spam, spam," observed Jack's Hufflepuff friends, jumping out from behind a bed. "Wonderful spam!"
Mandy scooped up a gob of spam and threw it at Lisa. Padma dived in front of her, the spam whacked her soggily in the face, and all was blackness.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ::giggles:: Oh. My. God. I can't even believe that I wrote that.
More questions, not all fic-oriented:
1. Who, in your opinion, is the most irritating gay character in a book, movie, fic, or TV show? I'm torn between Raven in /Tomorrow Wendy/ and Jack on /Dawson's Creek/.
2. What zodiac signs do you think the characters in R.A.D. are?
3. Are all the /Buffy/ characters equal in hotness, or are some hotter than others? If so, who?
4. Should I make this a more standard f/f fic? Y'know, Mandy turns out to have been in denial and she and Padma jump into a horse-drawn carriage and ride off into a majestically beautiful sunset?
Little answer-thingys:
Normandie M- Ang oo or evoking. (That was me thanking you for reviewing with my mouth full.) I meant Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, but because I like love/hate R/H, you get a cookie for interpreting it that way. ::makes a note to read your fic:: I actually label most un-Housed characters as Ravenclaws; bias, I suppose.
Chisakami- ::pats Padma on the head and gives you a cookie:: ::gives you two more cookies for sharing her orientation and thirteenophile:: ::is in a cookie-giving mood::
Dala- (1) Menage a trios? Spellcheck didn't mind, so I've probably spelled it wrong. I'm not sure if this chapter has one, because I think someone once told me that a three-way is just three people and a whatchamacallit is when there's a love triangle. Or not.
Dala- (2) ::is happy:: Such a pretty acronym. I've since read it in this loverly thing-posing-as-a-fic called The Slash Glossary- although I rather wish I hadn't read TSG, because in social studies my teacher was talking about oil, and when he said "lubrication" I... well, you didn't need to hear that, I think.
Oh, and does anyone know what channel 'Sun' is in the Cape Cod area? Because if I don't see a slashy movie I'll probably have some weird identity crisis thing because of being all repressed-ish, and there's one there on Friday, but my parents brought the stupid New York TV Guide... you didn't need to hear that either, did you?
I decided that this fic wasn't funny enough and needed to be made more funny. So I made a list of funny things-
1. Pointlesssness.
2. Monty Python.
3. Dream sequences.
Thus, this chapter is a pointless Monty Python dream sequence. If you do not like Monty Python, or if you have a bizarre and unhealthy attachment to plot, then this is not the chapter for you. If you do not like slash, however, you are in luck, because this isn't a slash-focused chapter- apparently Padma finds defending oneself from a banana more distracting than Lisa's hair.
In other news: I was going up the stairs in school one day, and I happened to pass beside two populars exchanging greetings. As I did I heard one of them say "Hey, Mand," to the other. Parvati and Lavender do exist! Also, I am watching /Buffy/, which rocks. I have devoted my life to Willow's hair, clothes, expressions, and token-gay jokes, all of which never fail to fascinate me, despite the fact that token-gay jokes usually make me feel like banging my head against the proverbial wall. I've been told it's a psychological problem.
Oh, yes, and while the books belong to JKR, Jack belongs to me and Lavender. Monty Python belong to themselves, unless they've done something stupid like selling their souls to the devil- I wouldn't put it past them, really. Would you?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Padma shifted through a hazy land of dreams; the sort of place where snow stuck and there were a lot of topless dancers. It was a rather majestic place, that foggy land of dreams. Occasionally she wished she could stay there forever, although she wasn't sure what that said about her sexual morality.
"Wake up," someone yelled shrilly. "My brother's having an identity crisis!"
Padma jerked awake and shoved away the sleeper's bluriness that clouded her vision. Once it was gone she saw quite clearly- the Turpins, one despectacled and looking oddly vulnerable without them, the other sobbing into a handkerchief.
"What?" she inquired, rubbing her eyes. She disliked being removed from the land of dreams. Greatly.
"I /said/," Lisa repeated, trying and failing to adjust her glasses, "my brother's having an identity crisis. Says he never wanted to be a Hufflepuff."
"Oh," Padma said. "Well, Jack, if we- wait, how did he get into our common room?"
"I dunno," said Lisa, shrugging.
"Hmmm. Jack, being a Gryffindor is highly overrated. All they do is run around and get killed and stuff. It's much better to be loyal or smart, you live longer that way. Well, maybe not being loyal- or fair- or... no, wait, Hufflepuffs don't live very long either. But they're much better people, you know, and..."
"Shhhh!" Lisa hissed. "Listen!"
"You don't understand!" Jack whined brokenly. "I never wanted to be a Gryffindor either! I never wanted to go to Hogwarts! I wanted to be..."
"A Squib!" Padma offered, helpfully.
"A lumberjack!"
Suddenly a lot of Hufflepuffs jumped out from behind a sofa and started singing. Lisa winced.
"What is this madness?" Padma cried out in terror.
"Not madness, Patil," Lisa explained. "Monty Python."
"What shall we do?"
"I think we should go to Dumbledore. He'll know what to do."
"All right!"
And off they went.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Why are you walking that way?"
"What d'you mean, why am I walking this way? Are only pure-bloods allowed to-"
"It's a bit odd-"
"It is not. I always walk this way. You ought to see my father."
"Oh."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Professor McGonagall?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know where Professor Dumbledore is?"
"Oh... I do, as a matter of fact. Fell out the window quite some time ago."
"Perhaps I've got the layout of Hogwarts wrong, Professor, but I was under the impression that his office was on the first floor."
"You've got it wrong."
"Ah."
"While you're at it, though, could you take the body away?"
"I'm not dead yet!"
"I think you're dead. What do you think?"
"I think I'll go for a walk!"
"I think he's dead, Professor."
"Well, I don't. Look, he's quite alive."
"Oh, be quiet, Patil. He's dead, just look at him."
"Am not!"
"/Avada Kedavra!"
"......"
"You can take him now."
"Oh."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Where shall we put him?" Padma said uncomfortably, lugging the headmaster down the hall. "And why are you so calm about this?"
"I dunno."
"I wish you'd stop saying that."
"Well, I wish you'd stop doing that to your hair."
"Will you shut up about my hair!"
"And you keep disregarding your ethnicity."
"At least I don't /walk silly/!"
"I think he's getting away."
"You're just saying that to make me shut up. You're irritating and politically correct and you think you're smarter than other people because you're half-"
"/How dare you!/"
"I'm sorry."
"It's all right. But I think he got away."
"When danger reared its ugly head, brave Professor Dumbledore..."
"What?"
"It wasn't me."
"I'm tired."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++When Padma woke from her nap, Lisa was gone. A few hours later she located her outside the girls' toilet, telling Seamus that he needed to be brave.
"But they'll /laugh/ at me!" he said. "People always /laugh/ at me..."
"People only laugh because you're dead sexy and they're embarrassed," Lisa explained kindly.
"I am?"
"Well, according to a lot of people. I wouldn't know, myself, but I'm sure..."
"I was sure too! I thought Parvati would fix our relationship, not.... seduce Lavender!"
Padma stared.
"It's all right, it's all right," Lisa soothed, patting him on the back rather hard.
"Okay," he sniffled.
"Go back into the girls' toilet..."
"Okay." Seamus went back in. Then he came back out. An anvil landed on him.
"So much for sympathy," Lisa remarked. "Why don't we go see Professor Snape? McGonagall is in no state to banish a Monty Python takeover of the school."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Excuse us, Professor, but-"
"Potter, come at me with that cherry."
"We've done cherries, Professor."
"Five points from Gryffindor. Longbottom, come at me with the cherry."
"But we've done cherries!"
"Malfoy, have we done cherries?"
"Cherries, pomegranates, lemons, apples, oranges, pears, grapes, blueberries... yes, Professor."
"Right. So now we will do raspberries."
"We've done raspberries, Professor."
"Stop being such a know-it-all, Granger."
"Excuse me, Professor, but the school-"
"What about bananas?"
"-is being taken over by Monty Python, and personally I think it's the work of Death Eaters or aspiring-"
"Right. Weasley, come at me with that banana."
"Oh, dear."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"Right," Lisa said, pacing back and forth. She banged into a wall and wished she had her glasses. "We must do something about this."
"I don't know if we can."
"Of course we can. I personally think we ought to go to Brocklehurst and ask her what the attackers looked like. I'm sure they're behind this."
"Mmmm."
"She must know."
"I bet she doesn't," Padma said. "I personally don't think that anyone should be able to give supreme executive help just because some watery Slytherins threw a curse at-"
"Patil."
"I'm sorry."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++"I can't believe this, Pomfrey! I can take the stupid hospital gown! I can take the ugly bedcurtains! But this- I will not stand for this!"
"Calm down, dear. You're very stressed."
"Excuse me- Mandy-"
"Help me, Padma! She's given me..."
"All I did was to give her a healthy breakfast."
"Spam, spam, spam, spam," observed Jack's Hufflepuff friends, jumping out from behind a bed. "Wonderful spam!"
Mandy scooped up a gob of spam and threw it at Lisa. Padma dived in front of her, the spam whacked her soggily in the face, and all was blackness.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ::giggles:: Oh. My. God. I can't even believe that I wrote that.
More questions, not all fic-oriented:
1. Who, in your opinion, is the most irritating gay character in a book, movie, fic, or TV show? I'm torn between Raven in /Tomorrow Wendy/ and Jack on /Dawson's Creek/.
2. What zodiac signs do you think the characters in R.A.D. are?
3. Are all the /Buffy/ characters equal in hotness, or are some hotter than others? If so, who?
4. Should I make this a more standard f/f fic? Y'know, Mandy turns out to have been in denial and she and Padma jump into a horse-drawn carriage and ride off into a majestically beautiful sunset?
Little answer-thingys:
Normandie M- Ang oo or evoking. (That was me thanking you for reviewing with my mouth full.) I meant Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, but because I like love/hate R/H, you get a cookie for interpreting it that way. ::makes a note to read your fic:: I actually label most un-Housed characters as Ravenclaws; bias, I suppose.
Chisakami- ::pats Padma on the head and gives you a cookie:: ::gives you two more cookies for sharing her orientation and thirteenophile:: ::is in a cookie-giving mood::
Dala- (1) Menage a trios? Spellcheck didn't mind, so I've probably spelled it wrong. I'm not sure if this chapter has one, because I think someone once told me that a three-way is just three people and a whatchamacallit is when there's a love triangle. Or not.
Dala- (2) ::is happy:: Such a pretty acronym. I've since read it in this loverly thing-posing-as-a-fic called The Slash Glossary- although I rather wish I hadn't read TSG, because in social studies my teacher was talking about oil, and when he said "lubrication" I... well, you didn't need to hear that, I think.
Oh, and does anyone know what channel 'Sun' is in the Cape Cod area? Because if I don't see a slashy movie I'll probably have some weird identity crisis thing because of being all repressed-ish, and there's one there on Friday, but my parents brought the stupid New York TV Guide... you didn't need to hear that either, did you?